My partner left me after early miscarraige

Hi all, this is the first time I am writing on forums so please excuse me if not making sense or the lenght of this post. But i think details of situation matter before blaming one side. I am a 37yr professional, my partner is (was) 28 yr old divorced father of one. On the surface our age difference didnt seem like an issue as i quite petite and often mistaken for being in my early 20s. We had been living in different countries and mantained a one year long distance relationship. He is extremely family oriented and persistantly brought up his dream of starting a family. Finally he told me its what he wants the most from life. And will move to UK in spring to start a family (he lives in Austria) I always sensed a contridiction in what he said about moving over here. But he is an extremely genuine person with principles in other acpects of life, therefore i decided to trust him on this. I spoke to my GP about IVF due to my age and previous early miscarraige. His obvious advice was I should come off pill and try a few months atleast. I guess I was so confident in his commitment to the matter and my own desire that I subcontiously stopped taking the pill regularly. last time he was here (which was also his first time in UK figuring out if he likes it here at all for thr move; prior to that I always visited or we met somewhere else) i told him I suspect i am pregnant, far from being happy he freaked out and got mad at me. ( told me it reminded him of his first experience with his son his ex and him where only 18 then) But besides this he had a fair point he said: I thought we would do this properly together when I move over. When he told me that he was considering to have a discussion with me about this. I felt so selfish and immature. I think his persistant asking, my age, and previous failed attempts in previous relationships, lead me to rush and take things in my own hands. I am very ashamed of this. I told him i have a well paid job now in UK therefore cant move to Austria anymore but also take full responsibility for my actions and do not expect anything from him, unless he still loved me and wanted a family. He told me his love for me is unconditional he wanted to be involved. it was just that he had planned this differently. We had a few more nice days together before he returned home. Sadly a few weeks later when he was visiting his best friend on the cycling tour I miscarried. It broked my heart so deep i wanted him by my side, but didnt want to spoil his trip (also he didnt like being contacted when he was on cycling tours etc with the lads normally) so I respected that told him to enjoy in a message but try to call me when he is alone. 2 days after the tour he called. He was very shocked and concerned for me. And said he would call again in a few hours but never did. Finally I called him two days later. He said he is not eating and is extremely confused. He said he is questioning what he wants from life. He suggested a break. But I told him I rather know if he doesnt love me anymore and move on. Or if there is a chance we can try again. I had apologised a lot and he said he was not angry with me. When I asked him again if he still loved me he said he stopped loving me from the night I sprung up the pregnancy on him and hung up the phone. Finally a few hours later he agreed to call me back to explain. His tone was cold and unloving, he said i should forget him. When I asked if any of what we had true he said everything else was true apart from the part that he wanted a family. And I am better off forgetting him. I told him it is a very bad time for me and i wasnt ready for a break up but he said goodbye and take care of yourself. Few hours later he changed our FB relation status, deleted our photos and put me in restricted profile. I blame myself for being hasty and in some respect deciteful for not being clear about missing pills. But I am still shocked to hear that doesnt want one at all and left myside at a time like this. I do blame myself mainly for all of this. I feel lost heartbroken and mostly empty. I think i lost him forever.

I am very sorry for your loss. I had 3 early losses and a second trimester loss.

Thanks 😞 i am sorry for your losses too its never easy

I am very sorry for your loss.

This guy is too young emotionally. This was never going to work. He sounds like a insensitive jerk. Even you had gotten pregnant on the pill, he would have been the same. He is not your great love.

You said that he is a great father, yet he was willing to move away from his son? That doesn't make sense.

I think that you've dodged a bullet. Find someone local and in your age group, it will be much better if you wish to start a family.

How many times did you meet up with him?

Please block and delete.

Thanks for reading my post Holly. We met every month for over a year. The issue with the son did come up in the start but since they already lived 8 hrs drive away. He figured an 2 hours flight to London may not be anyworse. But I knew he was torn deep down still.

And about deleting or blocking he put me on restricted profile which is as good as deleting! Funny he did it for me

I think you were deceived. This guy may have been playing mind games with you, or he himself has some psychological issues. The problem with Internet romances is you don't really know the other person, and he could be married or have other other Facebook profiles and other women. Or he was just simply a nutter. I suspect a lot of what he told you was made up.

Block him and delete him from your life and take time to heal. And then only date people locally who you can check out. A lot of people on the Internet are not who they say they are.

I'm so, so very sorry for your loss.

I agree with Holly that this guy is showing his maturity level, which is low. He may also be showing something else—a lack of character when it comes to conflict—that can be a forever thing.

Whatever genuine feelings he has for you—and I believe he has them, even now—he can't harness them alongside what has become reality. He is still kind of stuck in idealizing a future and his future self, so when the present butts in with a wrench—as it always does, forever and ever—he can't hang. He's kind of combusting, shutting down, going into sabotage mode, and as a result you're getting torn up. No cool. I'm sorry. Hugs.

My father, frankly, is like this, so understand that it can extend far beyond 28. I don't talk to him as a result—long sad story there. And I've been like this myself, when I was 20, got someone pregnant, and only learned later after she had an abortion. I had no idea how to handle that—no maturity—and just shut down. Basically ghosted on someone I cared for. I'm not proud of that chapter. I apologized to her for that, something like a decade later, because I don't want to replicate the man responsible for half my DNA. Still, back then it was the best I had, and my best was pretty lousy.

Sadly, I think this guy is showing you that his best is pretty lousy too. Don't blame yourself, is the point. Life happens, pills get untaken, unexpected pregnancies happen, and there are loads of people out there who deal with all that with grace. He's shown himself incapable of that.

Did you tell him you stopped your regular birth control? I'm not sure what "subconciously" stopped taking it infers.

I think the way he responded to your situation is a pretty good indication of how he might respond to any situation that was beyond his control.

The fact that you went off birth control without telling him was a bit shady... could be construed as you trying to trap him into a relationship or trap him into making you pregnant.

At the end of the day even if this was an accident, he behaved immaturely and his reaction is pretty telling of his feelings for you... it seems like he just wanted to keep you hooked by saying all the right things but not actually taking action to move forward with the commitment.

I'm very sorry for your loss :( take some time to heal and going forward, don't assume you have a commitment with someone until their actions match their words.

Hi DanZee, I didnt mention in my post that it wasnt an online romance we met in person at his work place. He introduced me to his entire family and friends in the small village that he is from. Funny enough we became FB friends a lot later into our relationship when he decided to update his relationship status, after I had spent time in his family home.

The mind games i think he was decieving himself and I chose to go along with it. He clearly has a desire to start a family to makeup for his failed marraige. But unlike me being 28yr male has all the time in the world. He was probably dishonest about the time line. Which became the ultimate betryal.

I am deeply sorry about your loss. I have been there. I am still devastated.

I think the problem is not the miscarriage, it is that you stopped birth control without his knowledge or against his wishes. He would have felt the same whether you miscarried or carried to term. But if you carried to term, he MIGHT still marry you, but he also might support the child, but break up over the betrayal.

It would sound to me if I were a guy like you saw me as a sperm donor -- you were more intent on getting pregnant then letting the relationship progress naturally towards marriage and even being in the same place as a couple. There are plenty of guys in your country that are 35-40 who would like to be fathers, but want to meet the right woman and let it progress - because he wants her whether she pops out 10 kids or cannot have them

Sorry this happened. It seems he is too immature for you. However he did have a point about waiting until things are more settled and deciding things together. You seem to have insight that deciding on a pregnancy through deception on your own was the real reason for the breakup. He did not abandon you, he was concerned. However being deceived was a valid reason for him to end things.

I am a 37yr professional, my partner is (was) 28 yr old divorced father of one. I spoke to my GP about IVF due to my age. I subcontiously stopped taking the pill regularly. i told him I suspect i am pregnant, far from being happy he freaked out and got mad at me.

 

he said: I thought we would do this properly together when I move over.

 

I told him i have a well paid job now in UK therefore cant move to Austria anymore. Sadly a few weeks later I miscarried. He was very shocked and concerned for me. He suggested a break. he said he stopped loving me from the night I sprung up the pregnancy on him. I blame myself for being hasty and in some respect deciteful for not being clear about missing pills.

Hi DanZee, I didnt mention in my post that it wasnt an online romance we met in person at his work place. He introduced me to his entire family and friends in the small village that he is from. Funny enough we became FB friends a lot later into our relationship when he decided to update his relationship status, after I had spent time in his family home.

The mind games i think he was decieving himself and I chose to go along with it. He clearly has a desire to start a family to makeup for his failed marraige. But unlike me being 28yr male has all the time in the world. He was probably dishonest about the time line. Which became the ultimate betryal.

Its comical that you say his timeline was the ultimate betrayal - when you betrayed him by skipping the pill!! And he never indicated that there was a timeline - other than AFTER you were living in the same area and went from there.

People can dream-talk. It sounds like he really wants a family, but your relationship was still in the honeymoon stage. you apparently took it as he wants a family this very second. Lots of people sort of present what they want -- then the honeymoon is over and the relationship needs time to grow.

No we didnt talk pills after he told me he wants a family. And thats where I think I decieved him and myself by getting careless/reckless instead of having an honest conversation about coming off them completely. This is were I accepted responsiblity and told him i dont expect his involvement unless he is still in love and wants this family.

I still think it was wrong of me but what I didnt expect was to be left alone in my grief.

I agree with a lot of what bluecastle says too:

The dream suddenly became reality and he went into frozen mode. Maybe when he was taliking about the move to UK in spring, he was still in the process of figuring things out. But i was over excited and chose to be reckless thats my regret.

Anyone, man or woman, discretely abandoning a contraceptive is well beyond "a bit shady" or deceitful "in some respect." Imagine if a guy came in here openly admitting he took his condom off without telling her. I'm frankly flabbergasted the man's maturity is what's in question after being sexually deceived only to lose what he may have considered his child for it. Yeah, sorry but I'd be 110% astonished and concerned for his mental health if he weren't out the door most rikki ****in' tik.

I encourage all parties to be responsible for protection. I don't particularly sympathize with men who rely on the woman's BC and end up knocking her up anyway. However, that doesn't change the absolute deceit and what we'd quite rightly call sexual assault were the shoe on the other foot.

Yeah, upon further reflection, I do think you got a little carried away, a little shady, with going off the pills without telling him. And you've owned that, which is all you can do. I assume you've expressed that to him?

What he's not owning, and maybe not now capable of owning, is his own reaction. Like, the FB status stuff? I know that hurts, but from the sidelines all it is is someone trying to control what he can't control. His boat isn't yet ready for these kinds of winds.

No we didnt talk pills after he told me he wants a family. And thats where I think I decieved him and myself by getting careless/reckless instead of having an honest conversation about coming off them completely. This is were I accepted responsiblity and told him i dont expect his involvement unless he is still in love and wants this family.

I still think it was wrong of me but what I didnt expect was to be left alone in my grief.

I agree with a lot of what bluecastle says too:

The dream suddenly became reality and he went into frozen mode. Maybe when he was taliking about the move to UK in spring, he was still in the process of figuring things out. But i was over excited and chose to be reckless thats my regret.

Sorry, I don't buy that he was frozen. Changing countries takes time - its major upheaval - and he did say "i thought we would do this when i got settled". That is not the words of a frozen man. Those are the words of a man with common sense. When you deceived him, you became a different woman than he thought you were. The whole "you don't have to be involved" with the pregancy shows that you just wanted a baby and didn't care if he was involved or not vs two people taking the steps needed to be together.

I am glad that you are taking responsibility for your recklessness, but as far as being upset that he was not by your side in your grief -- this was a big bomb dropped on him. It was a SHOCKING revelation and a gamechanger as far as your character

I don't think the FB thing was hasty -- we preach no contact here all the time

This is partly true because when he told me that he wants a family, I reminded him of my age which is what initiated the move. He promised November and then delayed it to April by extending his contract. Between sep - Nov we didnt meet. He wasnt clear about his visit i kept taking the pill but irregularly.

This is brutally true. I dont know why i got so reckless. Why didnt i have an open conversation. (He used to avoid converstations at any expense) "i thought we would do this when i got settled". Made me realise how immature I have been.

I apologized to him so much over the phone before saying goodbye but the damage is done. Sad thing is that he was the one who wanted a baby more than I did. I was reluctant initially. So dont understand my own action only accepted responsiblity.

I am so sorry for your losses!

It's very painful. I hope you have a good network around you.

Also there are tonnes of charities you can talk to.

My mum experienced countless miscarriages before me and one when I was younger. It took a toll on her and she said the only person who really understood was her friends that had experienced that loss too.

So reach out to some support groups seen as your partner is no supportive.

I don't care if it was a shock to him. He should have never acted like that. So cold knowing you are grieving.

I got really emotional reading your post.

I know you are blaming yourself with the pill situation. It was no nice not to tell him. That said he was eager to start a family in spring which is not that far away!

Plus it's advised to come off the pill and let your body adjust before actively trying. So must have been a shock even for you about the pregnancy.

Don't beat yourself up too much about not telling him. It's not like he was adamant he never wanted kids and you tricked him.

Just you came off the pill before spring that's all.

His actions has proved to you that he would have been no decent father.

I know you must be hurting with the loss of a pregnancy and the loss of a relationship.

But if it had done one thing. At least know you had a lucky escape from this man that runs at the first sign of a grown up relationship.

I think you are right. But I did put all facts out there in hope of some objective solution not blame. We are both grieving but alone. I am lonely and going off my mind blaming myself for everything, but to suggest rape is not only insensitive b wrong. He wanted a baby but not till the next 5 months, until we were settled.

( see my last post)

Perhaps you unfortunately learned the hard way that people do not wanted to be tricked into a relationship or parenthood. You didn't "get a little reckless". You deliberately saw a fertility specialist who advised you to go off the pill if you wanted a pregnancy and that is precisely what you did. Not only did you not wait until you were an established couple or living in the same place there was no specific discussion about starting a family. Claiming he "dumped you after a miscarriage" is untrue. He broke up because you deceived him.

I dont know why i got so reckless. "i thought we would do this when i got settled".

Thanks jelly, i dont know if I using the thread properly. I was replying to J.Man before I saw yours.

'So cold knowing you are grieving' thats what made me question the love he claimed and his commitment to fatherhood.

'It's not like he was adamant he never wanted kids and you tricked him' thats how i felt, it was the contrary but reading some of the comments is giving me perspective on how he must have seen it too.

Weirdly your message made me cry. I hadnt been able to cry in days. Thankyou

I saw my doctor because he told me a family is what he wanted the most from life and i am 37yrs old. I wanted to know the chances. Maybe what you are saying is right in how he sees things. But from where i stand he claimed it was what he wanted the most. Not to forget he said his love was unconditional baby or not when i told a bout pills.

Yet in my grief he abadoned me. I hope some of what bluecastle and others say is true aswell. It may be his reaction to grief.because the pregancy was a shock but a more pleasant one cause it was what he wanted after all.