Boyfriend constantly lies/takes me for granted...need advice please.

I don't have many female friends in real life so I'm kind of desperate for some female/sisterly/motherly or honestly any advice I can get. Ever since my bf started college, he's begun to lie and hide things from me, like who he's talking to at school and if he made any new friends. We never had this problem before so I really don't know why this started happening. At the beginning of the semester he "jokingly" told me not to go exchanging my number with any guys at my school but then he goes and exchanges numbers with multiple girls within the first month of school, and he's hidden it all from me. I caught him lying about the gender of one of these female classmates, pretending that "she" was actually a "he", until I called him out on it. His excuse was that he didn't want me to feel weird about him talking to other girls, even though I haven't ever had any severe negative reaction to him talking to other girls, so I don't know where his reasoning is coming from. We had a fight about it and I told him it made me feel bad when he lies to me about something that he shouldn't have had to lie about to begin with, that I wanted him to be more open and honest with me and share with me things couples normally talk about (how their day was, how they had a funny conversation with so and so, etc). And he said he understood and promised he would be more open with me and wouldn't lie anymore.

Flash forward a week later and we were in the car at 11PM at night and he gets a text from ANOTHER different female classmate that he had exchanged numbers with asking for help on a report, someone that he "forgot" to tell me about, only a week later after our fight where we had that conversation about him being more open with me. My trust in him is seriously beginning to waver, especially after I found out that he hasn't let her know that he was taken and from the limited text he showed me, he sounded pretty flirty with her, at least for someone he claimed was strictly only a classmate. Over the next couple months we keep having fights pn and off about how he intentionally hides information from me, how he intentionally keeps me in the dark about the people in his life, especially about other females. We've never had this problem before, about jealousy or what not so I'm not sure why there's a sudden change now.

I found out that not only did he hide the fact he exchanged numbers with this girl and regularly texts her about "school work" but he also hid how she then joined his group in lab and is now one of his lab mates, how she now sits next to him in lecture, how she now eats lunch with him immediately after lecture (though he claims its also with 2 other people), to how now he chats with her about things outside of school work. Just literally anything and everything about her, he hides from me. He hid all this from me, despite having so many fights with him about it, about him not being more open and honest with me, and him promising that he would. All empty promises. I asked him during our previous fight before today, that if he had anything else he wanted to tell me about her that he's hiding because he might as well tell me now while we're on the topic, and he lied to me saying he didn't have anything else to hide.

Well today I just found out that during that one night when she texted him at 11PM (which was months ago), that he actually TOLD her about me getting angry about her texting him so late at night (of course, he didn't mention to her how he's lied to me about a girl before and how we had a fight about him being more open only a week before exchanging numbers with this girl, which he failed to do so by hiding HER from me of course), and basically they talked bad about me behind my back. I feel so betrayed. I feel so damn betrayed, like someone stabbed a knife into my heart and gutted me. How can a boyfriend ever think it's okay to confide in a girl who he's known for LESS than 2 months about his relationship problems, talking crap about his own gf to this new girl, and have a grand ol' time laughing it up about his gf behind her back? He's been more communicative with her and open with her than he has ever been with me, the whole reason why we've been having these fights to begin with. I just don't understand. He keeps insisting that he's not flirting with her or will never cheat on me (because in his own words, "Not to be mean or anything, but she's not that good looking.." like somehow that's supposed to be reassuring to me?!), that she's just a classmate - not even a friend - and they only talk about school but that's obviously all a lie now. He's been getting closer and closer to her while ignoring me and our relationship. We're growing further and further apart and I feel like I'm the only one who is concerned for our relationship, the only one who cares that this relationship is falling apart due to his insistence on hiding girls from me and not being fully honest with me. I just don't understand why it's so hard for him to be open and share with me these simple aspects from his day, from his life (like what he did today, or how he had a funny conversation with so and so, etc), the way normal, healthy couples do - the way I do with him. I share everything with him without him needing to feel any doubt or getting upset first, without needing to be REQUESTED to tell him things the way I have to request from him. And if he does ask me for more details, I tell him right away because I have nothing to hide from him and I want him to know, to reassure him that he has nothing to worry about. And yet he has the nerve to deny he's ever hidden anything from me and that he's always been honest with me (what a blatant lie?!?) and he doesn't understand why I don't trust him anymore (he actually gets really angry and offended by this).

All during this time he's been putting very little effort into our relationship. Just a few examples: for Valentine's he didn't bother trying to meet up with me (not even for only one hour - hell I would have taken 30 minutes! Hell, even a Facetime call?!?!) claiming he had school even though I knew he was free and home at night and he lives only 20-25 minutes away from me. The next day when we met up for dinner, I didn't receive anything - not a card, not a flower (we've been together for a little over a year and I've never received a single flower from him, hah), not chocolates, not even a "Sorry we couldn't meet on Valentine's Day." What I got instead was him sitting in the car with me and leaning over me as I was in mid conversation, to check out a group of girls in the car that pulled up next to ours (despite him claiming he wasn't staring at them, but I'm not blind, I know what I saw). About a month ago it was our anniversary and he had school on that day, so if we couldn't meet at night then I thought maybe I could drop by his school during lunch so we could at least see each other on the day of our anniversary. He tried to reschedule this plan to the day before our anniversary, when the whole point was to spend some time together on the day of (I found out weeks later that he normally gets lunch with that same female lab mate and "2 other people" during the time I wanted to come, coincidence much?). We planned to meet that following Friday to have a late celebration for our anniversary. I was excited to see him and I even bought a customized gift for him. Lo and behold when the day came, he became unresponsive through text and then tells me last minute that he felt bad about failing a test and just wanted to stay home, flaking out on plans we made a week before just because he wanted to mope at home alone. He had the nerve to demand I stay on the phone with him though, expecting to me feel okay with being flaked out on FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY and sit alone in my room on a Friday night, staring stupidly at the gift I bought him, holding back tears so my family won't hear me crying, thinking why am I trying so hard for someone who can't even give back 5% of the effort I give for him. When we finally met up the week after and I gave him the gift, he didn't bother giving me anything back, not even a simple apology in person, wow...

I just don't know what to do anymore. I give and give to him in all aspects of our relationship and I don't get anything back but pain and hurt. Whenever he's feeling down, I'm there with gifts and whatnot to cheer him up. Whenever he felt like doing this or doing that, I agreed and went along, even if they're things I've already done before or have no interest in. When I found out he needed certain things, either because they were broken or he just really needed it, I got it for him. I've been so considerate and patient and honest with him and all I'm asking is for him to treat me the same. Is that really too much to ask out of a partner? Instead, all I get back are half-assed apologies, empty promises, him lying about/hiding girls and practically everyone else in his life from me, and then to top it all off - him getting angry and immediately blaming me for all his wrongdoings, absolving himself of any blame or responsibility. It's always my fault, I'm just being crazy/ridiculous/jealous. etc. It's never his fault - not even 1%!

I'm so tired and frustrated. I've told him before that I felt distant from him now, that sometimes I feel even more lonely being this relationship with him than I did when I was actually single, but he doesn't care. He shrugged it off and found ways to blame me as usual. At this point I know there's no hope in trying anymore because despite all his claims about changing, I know he's not and the trust between has been completely shattered. I know this and yet it's hard for me to put it into action when he keeps feeding me sweet lies about how he will treat me better. When I'm at my lowest point, I end up thinking terrible things like maybe I did something to deserve being treated like this, that maybe this is karma for something I've done. I keep praying for the strength to just finally break up with him, but it's hard when you've come to deeply care for someone and unfortunately they don't care for you as much back. What should I do? How do I gain the strength to finally break it off with him and move on?

And sorry for the long read...

How do you know about the texts? Do you go through his phone?

This relationship is over. I'm sure you already know that.

You love him. But, sadly, despite what he might tell you he doesn't feel the same anymore. Struggling to hold on with gifts and money and doing whatever you think he wants won't change that fact.

It's very common for people to drift apart when one of them goes to college, no matter how good their intentions are.

It's not going to be easy, but you do need to tell him it's over. I'm sure these past weeks have been unpleasant, but unfortunately the only way out of this bad situation is to end it.

You have set the stage for him to treat you like a doormat... by continuing to try and try even though he isn't reciprocating, is lying and is openly hanging out with and texting other women, you are saying you aren't valuing yourself and that you aren't worth his respect. I think it's gone too far at this point for you to fix things, and he doesn't seem to want to anyway. I would definitely have kicked him to the curb long ago for that sort of nonsense.

How do you know about the texts? Do you go through his phone?

 

This relationship is over. I'm sure you already know that.

 

You love him. But, sadly, despite what he might tell you he doesn't feel the same anymore. Struggling to hold on with gifts and money and doing whatever you think he wants won't change that fact.

 

It's very common for people to drift apart when one of them goes to college, no matter how good their intentions are.

 

It's not going to be easy, but you do need to tell him it's over. I'm sure these past weeks have been unpleasant, but unfortunately the only way out of this bad situation is to end it.

I didn't go through his phone, he voluntarily showed me a portion of the texts.

Yeah...I've been stressing out over school and my mom's health and now this on top of it...it's been a rough week and I feel like I'm at my wit's end.

Thank you for your reply.

You have set the stage for him to treat you like a doormat... by continuing to try and try even though he isn't reciprocating, is lying and is openly hanging out with and texting other women, you are saying you aren't valuing yourself and that you aren't worth his respect. I think it's gone too far at this point for you to fix things, and he doesn't seem to want to anyway. I would definitely have kicked him to the curb long ago for that sort of nonsense.

I really am...I don't know when exactly it's gotten to that point where I'm allowing all this to happen and continue to hang on to such a toxic relationship. I guess I just need to hear it from more people to really make me understand and find the courage to end it once and for all.

Thank you for your reply.

You don't need courage, you just need to realize that you are worth a whole lot more than the way he treats you. Once you believe that, you'll not have any qualms about dumping someone who doesn't value you the way you value yourself.

You know whatcha gotta do.

Well, when people go to college, they meet a whole lot of people, and they make a lot of friends, and a lot of those people are going to be girls, and everyone is young and horny, and there's flirting, and so on. And of course he's not going to tell you he's talking to girls because you're going to flip out, which you have. And the grass is always greener, as they say. And these folks are lots of fun, and you're back at home and you're starting to be a drag because you feel him slipping away from you.

And now you're at the crossroads and you have a decision to make. As boltnrun pointed out, the relationship is over. You can't trust him anymore, and he's probably going to break up with you soon as he gets closer to these girls. You probably should break up now, because now you're fighting with him and this, which will push him away further, and you're not going to win. So you should probably break up now and leave with some dignity rather than just letting it crumble on its own. Your choice.

You don't need courage, you just need to realize that you are worth a whole lot more than the way he treats you. Once you believe that, you'll not have any qualms about dumping someone who doesn't value you the way you value yourself.

 

You know whatcha gotta do.

 

This is what I've been trying to tell convince myself, that no one deserves to be treated like this and that I need to learn to value myself more and leave him.

 

Thank you!

 

Well, when people go to college, they meet a whole lot of people, and they make a lot of friends, and a lot of those people are going to be girls, and everyone is young and horny, and there's flirting, and so on. And of course he's not going to tell you he's talking to girls because you're going to flip out, which you have. And the grass is always greener, as they say. And these folks are lots of fun, and you're back at home and you're starting to be a drag because you feel him slipping away from you.

 

And now you're at the crossroads and you have a decision to make. As boltnrun pointed out, the relationship is over. You can't trust him anymore, and he's probably going to break up with you soon as he gets closer to these girls. You probably should break up now, because now you're fighting with him and this, which will push him away further, and you're not going to win. So you should probably break up now and leave with some dignity rather than just letting it crumble on its own. Your choice.

 

 

Well it's obvious that people are going to make new friends when they go to college. I'm not against him being friends with girls - he's had summer classes before where he's told me he became friends with a girl who showed him how to use his iphone to get better video recordings of his lectures. I never once flipped out about this because he was being honest with me and sharing his life with me, the way normal couples do. The difference between then and now is that he's begun to lie to me and hide things from me for no reason at all, despite all his claims that nothing is going on. If nothing was going on then why the need to lie and hide from me in the first place? When I never given him a reason to think he needs to hide things, especially other girls, from me?

 

I wouldn't be "flipping out" like this if he had been truthful with me and open with me the way normal, healthy couples are. The way you're wording it sounds as if you're blaming me for reacting negatively to his wrongdoings. I'm a drag because I feel hurt that he's lied to me and hid things from me when he should've been upfront and honest with me since the very beginning??? And I'm to blame for his conscious decision to lie?? You sound a lot like him, with the victim-blaming and whatnot, thanks for your input though I guess.

Sadly, he's acting single and playing the field when he's at college, whilst keeping you as backup when he's at home. The reason he isn't acting like someone in a 'normal, healthy' couple is because from his perspective - he isn't! Though he's too much of a coward to tell you that. He's hiding his home life from his friends at college, and trying to hide his college life from you.

Many couples break up when one, other or both of them goes to college, because you're no longer moving in parallel grooves. He's having loads of new experiences and meeting new people - which is where he's putting his energies - while you're putting your energy into keeping the relationship going.

This kind of scenario will have a devastating effect on your self-esteem, as you are finding. There's no way he's going to start treating you differently, so YOU need to take your focus away from him and on to yourself. If breaking up with him now would be too much, then expand your range of activities and friends so that the energy you're currently putting into him, and thinking about him, is diverted into activities for yourself.

To put it another way, what would you be doing socially if you did break up? Hopefully you wouldn't just sit at home feeling more and more lonely and sad! Act as if you were single and need to make your mark on the world, get a wider support network and then the decision as to whether to break up with him or not will take care of itself.

As it is, you are looking to him as the source for all the good things in your life, and that just isn't going to happen. I've had the experience of feeling lonely and isolated whilst being in a relationship, and it sucks. The good thing is, it doesn't have to stay like that.

Good luck!

The best thing is to set each other free and end it. Then block and delete him from all messaging and social media. This way, you both have the freedom to do whatever you want whether it's forming an exclusive relationship for yourself, dating local boys, etc. And he can play the field without having to pretend and lie that he's not and without hurting you.

I am really sorry to hear this.

It is a common thing that most young couples face. When they start University it makes them get a sense of freedom.

Despite being in love with someone they also want to experience that free and single life.

This sounds like what he is experiencing.

I think you have known for a while that this relationship is coming to an end.

It will be incredibly hard but the best thing you can do is walk away now. As the longer you stay the more hurt you will feel.

Sadly, he's acting single and playing the field when he's at college, whilst keeping you as backup when he's at home. The reason he isn't acting like someone in a 'normal, healthy' couple is because from his perspective - he isn't! Though he's too much of a coward to tell you that. He's hiding his home life from his friends at college, and trying to hide his college life from you.

 

Many couples break up when one, other or both of them goes to college, because you're no longer moving in parallel grooves. He's having loads of new experiences and meeting new people - which is where he's putting his energies - while you're putting your energy into keeping the relationship going.

 

This kind of scenario will have a devastating effect on your self-esteem, as you are finding. There's no way he's going to start treating you differently, so YOU need to take your focus away from him and on to yourself. If breaking up with him now would be too much, then expand your range of activities and friends so that the energy you're currently putting into him, and thinking about him, is diverted into activities for yourself.

 

To put it another way, what would you be doing socially if you did break up? Hopefully you wouldn't just sit at home feeling more and more lonely and sad! Act as if you were single and need to make your mark on the world, get a wider support network and then the decision as to whether to break up with him or not will take care of itself.

 

As it is, you are looking to him as the source for all the good things in your life, and that just isn't going to happen. I've had the experience of feeling lonely and isolated whilst being in a relationship, and it sucks. The good thing is, it doesn't have to stay like that.

 

Good luck!

Throughout out arguments about this topic, I would tell him that all I'm asking for was for him to be honest and share details from his life with me the way I do with him. Simple. And I pointed out that he kept breaking his promise to do this with a little lie there, a little omitting of information here. I said he's acting like what I'm asking of him was outlandish, that it was impossible for him to do, which he vehemently denied and said he could do it. Hah. I also asked him what if the scenario was reversed, and I was the one treating him like this and of course he said he would be uncomfortable and hurt. And then I would say, "So...do you understand how I feel then? Where I'm coming from and why I'm reacting like this?" But he always has some kind of excuse like, "Yes I understand...........BUT you're just being _________" like he never accepts responsibility for his wrongdoings and always somehow turns it back around on me. It's like he doesn't care, even if he knows what he's doing is wrong, because those wrongdoings aren't being done to HIM and that's all that matters to him. I feel like I'm on the cusp of finally doing what I know is best and breaking up with him for good, I just need that extra push to make me go over the edge and do it.

I have been trying to focus more on my school work and friends, but it's hard when this issue is plaguing my mind and especially since we used to spend the weekends together. I don't have many female friends to go to and the ones I do have are always busy with their own boyfriends and school. I guess if I was single again I would be talking to other guys honestly, maybe not to start something serious right away but at least get someone else's perspective on what relationships are supposed to be like - to instill some hope in me that not all guys are as deceitful and selfish as he is. At the beginning of our relationship he told me his ex cheated on him and at the time I just believed she was a bad person for cheating on him, but I'm starting to understand now why she would have cheated on him if he was treating her the way he does to me....as harsh as that sounds.

You're right, I shouldn't rely on him to be my one source of support and happiness, especially when he's established that he can't be that for me. Thank you for your reply!

The best thing is to set each other free and end it. Then block and delete him from all messaging and social media. This way, you both have the freedom to do whatever you want whether it's forming an exclusive relationship for yourself, dating local boys, etc. And he can play the field without having to pretend and lie that he's not and without hurting you.

That's what I was planning on doing should I finally go through with it this weekend when we meet in person. I'm definitely not going to keep his number or messages to tempt me into reminiscing about the good times and make me give in to wanting to get back with him. You're exactly right, the hardest part right now is going through with the action of breaking up with him and that period of time after to adjust to the breakup and lost of companionship but once I can get over that, I'll feel free and happier. Thank you!

I am really sorry to hear this.

 

It is a common thing that most young couples face. When they start University it makes them get a sense of freedom.

 

Despite being in love with someone they also want to experience that free and single life.

 

This sounds like what he is experiencing.

 

I think you have known for a while that this relationship is coming to an end.

 

It will be incredibly hard but the best thing you can do is walk away now. As the longer you stay the more hurt you will feel.

Yes..it's so hard being in love with someone who despite all their claims to love you too, don't show it back in their actions. That's exactly what it feels like - he wants to keep me around as his main girl but also wants to go around my back and flirt at his leisure with other girls and lavish in their attention, despite all his claims that he doesn't do that.

I have known in the back of my mind that this wasn't going to work...that he isn't the one. It's hard knowing that and knowing that I should break up with him but being terrified of the lost of companionship because I start to think of the good memories and how I'll miss those times.

You're right, it's going to be incredibly hard and it's going to hurt but I need to accept that it's the inevitable with the way things are right now. Thank you for your reply!

Trust me we have all been there.

My hardest ever break-up was with someone I loved and he still loved me.

It got to the stage there was more unhappy times with him than the good. It was due to his situation we had to separate.

You currents boyfriend situation his his "want for a single life".

It was incredibly hard for me to leave my ex. But I did! Years later I'm so much better out of that situation.

If I stayed I would continue to get hurt. Same with you if you was to stay.

I don't regret the relationship I had or ending it. As it made me stronger and made me realize my own worth.

Walking away will make you realize you deserve better. You deserve someone who cares about Valentine's day and your anniversary.

One day you'll look back and be glad you was strong and fought through that pain. It may not seem like you will but trust me from my experience you will be just fine :)

I agree with the others: this relationship has run its course. He's lost interest and you have been more invested than him for a long time now.

My guess is that if you don't end it now, he will do it soon anyway. He might not have had the stones to do it until now, but you're heading toward a break-up in any case.

In the future, don't waste your time by repeatedly explaining to someone that you would like them to pay attention to you. If they're not giving you a reasonable amount of time and attention on their own volition, you're with the wrong guy.

You'll do fine. It will take a bit of discomfort for a while, but soon a nice decent guy will just around the corner now that you'll be free.

That's what I was planning on doing should I finally go through with it this weekend when we meet in person. I'm definitely not going to keep his number or messages to tempt me into reminiscing about the good times and make me give in to wanting to get back with him. You're exactly right, the hardest part right now is going through with the action of breaking up with him and that period of time after to adjust to the breakup and lost of companionship but once I can get over that, I'll feel free and happier. Thank you!