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Thread: Not sure if she's 'the one' - cant decide what to do

  1. #1

    Not sure if she's 'the one' - cant decide what to do

    I'm a 33 year old male... I still class myself as being pretty shy albeit more confident than I used to be.

    A number of PoF dates over the last few years has built my confidence around women, aswell as a couple of FWB situations I randomly found myself in.

    Lately, I met this girl at an evening class (around the same age as me).

    There was something about her I found really attractive, and she started making it really obvious that she was into me. After a few days of messaging online, I asked her out. She said yes and a few days later we went out for a couple of drinks. It felt so surreal that this girl I liked had actually come out to meet me, not only that, she seemed to be really enjoying herself (this seemed like quite a rare thing for me).

    But strangely, I felt like my interest started fading soon after. We met up a few times and it just didn't feel quite the same (despite her seeming increasingly into me). I don't get that tingly feeling that I've had with other crushes in the past (maybe a little right at the start but not much) and it makes me think she can't be 'the one'.

    Despite this, I still look forward to seeing her and her texts brighten up my day... I think about her quite a lot.

    I'm not sure if I'm just making excuses to myself not to get with her properly. I've never had a proper girlfriend before and the idea of a relationship I find pretty daunting (even though I'd like to be in one).

    I've been asking myself if there is much point in getting into a relationship if I'm not sure if she's the one. Am I just thinking way too much about this? I can't decide if I should bail before it's too late, or if I just pursue it and see how things go.

  2. #2
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    My sense is you like the thrill of the chase and sheís too eager and available. So you feel crowded instead of intrigued. Itís not bad to like the thrill of the chase as long as you also like being liked back by someone youíre interested in. Itís the dance of intimacy - not playing games and also choosing not to reveal too much too soon so that thereís no sense of unwrapping layers of a package- itís more interesting that way as opposed to someone you donít yet know well making it very obvious that she is interested - and men feel more crowded by this than women traditionally.
    What I would do is keep seeing her once or twice a week and donít ignore her but you donít need to respond ASAP to random texts - take things at a bit of a slower pace if possible. Good luck!

  3. #3
    Platinum Member wilyone 11's Avatar
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    You don't need to know yet if she is The One. That is the purpose of dating. If you look forward to seeing her and her texts brighten your day, why not continue exploring this??

    Don't let your fears of a relationship get in the way and sabotage this connection. It's an incredibly positive thing that she seems to be enjoying herself and is increasingly into you. Unfortunately, for men that often makes them feel less interested. Try not to fall into that trap.

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    Hey, you're not a teenager anymore, and I think you'll find mature love is different than teenage love. You've already experienced all of your firsts: first girlfriend, first kiss, first sex, etc. Now that you're in your 30s, the excitement isn't as much, but you can experience mature love where you grow closer and stronger with time. You'll find that having a great companion, someone you can talk to for hours and that you enjoy their company is much more valuable and fulfilling than the teenage love that burns out quickly.

    This woman sounds great, and I think you should continue to date her, and you may find yourself falling more and more in love with time. Give her a chance.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
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    If only there was such a thing as 'The One', and that those people that could be defined as 'The Ones' were labelled accordingly, love would be so much easier.

    This ideal of 'The One' you write of, is just that, an ideal, and when someone does not live up to that ideal, they must not be right for us. That leads us to push away potential partners because early on because they don't live up to these lofty ideals we have for who makes a good partner. More often than not, these ideals are built on prior relationships, expectations, or society's standards. Just because you are not getting that tingly feeling, does not mean she is a bad choice, in fact, many relationships that have survived the test of time are not based on that initial tingly feeling, but a deep set love and understanding for each other built on time together. In turn, many relationships that begin with that tingly feeling, burn out when the honeymoon phase ends.

    I'm not necessarily saying that she is the person you should be with, I am just saying that to right her off because of some lofty ideal you may have might not be the best thing.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Not everyone who is attractive from a distance is someone there is chemistry with. It sounds like you don't want a relationship, just casual dating, fwb etc.
    Originally Posted by jimdavies149
    We met up a few times and it just didn't feel quite the same. I don't get that tingly feeling that I've had with other crushes in the past. I've never had a proper girlfriend before and the idea of a relationship I find pretty daunting.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Well, the ones you had severe tingles for went by the wayside and they weren't "the one," so your theory doesn't work. Subconsciously, we choose who we think is worthy of us. You say you've suffered from a lack of confidence in the past, which goes along with low self esteem. If you still have a bit of that, your subconscious is probably saying: I'm not worth liking. If this woman clearly likes me, there must be something wrong with her. I need to be with someone who treats me like crap, because that's what I am--a pile of crap.

    You think she's pretty. You look forward to seeing her. I'd mellow out and give yourself more time dating her. After 3 or 4 months, reassess. Good luck and let us know how it's going.

  9. #8
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    The feeling of fireworks and knots in your stomach or tingling is a level of anxiety you feel. It's anxiousness that translates as excitement. This does not mean it turns into an amazing, trusting partnership.

  10. #9
    Member ButWhyTho's Avatar
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    The tingly feeling you describe when experiencing former crushes is all based in fantasy. My bet is that once you got to know them a bit better (if you had been given the chance) is that it would have faded as the mystique and excitement wears off.
    I agree with the above posters in that you are too quick to write this 'clearly interested' woman off. If she were to show more restraint, would that intrigue you more? Would her value increase in your eyes? If so, there may be some self-esteem issues at play still and may be worth exploring.
    Don't get me wrong - We all enjoy the ego stroke of obtaining that hottie who may or may not be into us, but once they indicate that they are and the feeling is not mutual anymore, clearly some self-exploration is warranted.
    You do say you like her and enjoy her company; she sounds communicative and warm. These indicate a great start to a relationship.


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