No contact/block? Need advice

Hi all,

I’m 25(M) and she is 24(F). To cut to the chase, I dated a girl for about 13 months. During this time, we developed a deep love and care for each other, but ultimately ended things *somewhat* mutually (I initiated it) predominately due to the fact that she refused to open up with me and connect as she was afraid to (both because of her holding on to and amplifying our past conflicts, in addition to her overall announcing that she has commitment issues). She still cares for me very much, and vice versa as does her whole family. I have ALWAYS blocked my exes on everything, but in this case, the thought of losing her in my life completely is far worse than losing her intimacy (she didn’t express any for a long time anyway).

Should I still block her?

Can you decode what you're saying? You mean she wouldn't have sex with you? How long did this go on for? Also what were these "past conflicts?" Were you arguing about having sex? Maybe you should leave her alone.

^ intimacy pertains to emotional closeness, not just sex.

I think you could block her for a while, it might be good for your healing process.

I think the first conflict we had was when I was hanging out with a friend (F) and she found her threatening, and gave me the ultimatum that she would either leave or I would stop seeing that friend. It was around month 3-4 that she began to “shut down” in every way in terms of connecting. Sexually for sure, but also during just emotional moments together, she wouldn’t seem to be very present. However, if I acknowledged this and talked to her about it to see if everything was okay, she would deny it and then a few days later initiate a connection. Most of the time, I picked up on her disconnection, so I disconnected naturally, and then she initiated with me. So typical hot/cold.

Our arguments and conflict centered around her not talking to me about her problems connecting, and working through them like adults. Couple that with her hot and cold behavior, and I was surely confused, frustrated, and had no clue what was going on.

She told me from the getgo that she has issues in long term relationships in regards to self-destruction and connecting. However, during the whole relationship, she at the very least was supportive. We just never really maintained any kind of intimacy or emotionality; the relationship felt very “cold” so to speak.

She has been trying to initiate contact again with me, both directly through texting and indirectly by “liking” posts on various forms of social media. So I’m not sure how to proceed.

I think you should block her and move on. I'm not exactly sure what was going on in the relationship. Could you have been doing something to create her connecting problems? For example, if I'm just sitting on a couch, enjoying a movie, and then I'm accused of not connecting when I thought I was connecting, and accused of not telling you I'm not connecting, I would be very confused about what was going on in the relationship. And then the fact that she got jealous when you were hanging around with this other girl certainly is a sign that she has feelings for you. Maybe you're expecting more in a relationship than there really is. I mean, at 13 months, a relationship is enjoying hanging around each other, going out on dates, and having sex. I'm not sure what else you want her to do.

But obviously you're not compatible in what you expect from a relationship and you should move on.

Yeah, our relationship was fun, but during the more tender moments, she wouldn’t ever let things get past a certain depth. It’s like there was constantly a wall there. I’m not saying I didn’t contribute to this problem; im sure I did, but we never really got into big relationship ending fights...she augmented little tiny problems to be WAY objectively larger than they were, and even after resolving them, hung them over my head.

In terms of sex, we started off good, but once the relationship leveled out and became more serious, it dropped below what I would consider normal for people in their 20s even considering the end of the honeymoon period. We lived close, and we engaged in sex maybe once every 3-4 weeks, despite effort on both of our parts to “spice” things up and institute more romance. However, I think she’s just simply incapable psychologically of being vulnerable in a relationship that’s more than very casual, as she even told me this.

She was either hurt badly in the past or it's due to some childhood issue. I think sex daily is normal or at least every other day. Once every month is crazy low.

Her mother has severe debilitating bipolar, and she pushed away her husband (my gfs dad) to the point where they don’t have anything between them anymore. I think she fears opening up because she doesn’t want to seem like her mother; any time she is compared to her mother, she becomes psychologically disturbed. I think she keeps things superficial because she is afraid of opening up, but genuinely tried to do so with me but ultimately couldn’t do it. She sought teeny tiny reasons and blamed them for her inability to do so, when there’s no way she should shut down over them.

And yeah, about the frequency of sex...we were long distance since Aug, and when I just came to visit for 8 days, we had sex the second day I was there and never again even had a meaningful level of intimacy.

sorry to say... i would move on. i don't think it has to be quite as black / white as an "all or nothing" thing. You can keep her unblocked. But I would move on as far as seeing this as a relationship with future potential. Too many bad signs and red flags on this one.

Thanks everyone! I for sure wouldn’t want her in my life again romantically, but trying to decide what place she should have, if any. Currently, due to the context of the relationship, I don’t have really any romantic or intimate feelings for her, as I think I’ve been preparing for this psychologically for a while with the amount she has rejected those feelings in the relationship. This is an ex where we simply didn’t work out, and there’s no hard feelings between us. So I’m just going to leave her unblocked, and after we arrange me sending her belongings home, maintain no contact and just simply see how my future (if any) with her develops naturally.

You are not compatible. You both have many issues that need to be dealt with through therapy - read your original thread.

Block her. Get some counseling and move on with your life.

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like there were chronic fights about this female friend and your gf simply gave up, shut down and you chose the female friend. It seems you both decided to totally withdraw from the relationship and let it fall apart, but now from "disconnection" rather than chronic conflicts. You both dug your heels in got into a standoff and then the games began.

It may be time to just write this off as incompatibility and learn from it in terms of picking your battles, picking your friends and learning better communication and conflict resolution skills. It may be best to have a clean break since there is too much damage and there's no future. Why end up in the friendzone responding to social media drivel, etc.?

I think the first conflict we had was when I was hanging out with a friend (F).

 

It was around month 3-4 that she began to “shut down” in every way in terms of connecting. Sexually for sure.