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Thread: Not sure what to make of this, any help appreciated sincerely

  1. #1
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    Not sure what to make of this, any help appreciated sincerely

    Hello everyone,

    So I recently had to end a relationship with someone I was dating for about 12-13 months.

    Little background/problems that led to the breakup:

    In the beginning, we definitely hit it off and were connected in many ways; we both were in graduate school and passionate, and really were able to hold good conversation (and had a high level of attraction). However, right from the bat, we had some sexual sync issues. I'm the type of person where I need to be in love to have sex, and she is the type that absolutely doesn't; prior to this relationship, she swore to herself that she would only be looking for sex (which was even her initial intention with me, I later found out). However, our connection was too strong for her to ignore it, and we proceeded forward.
    After dating her for a while, she mentioned to me that she has a lot of problems committing sometimes, problems feeling vulnerable in a relationship, etc. However, I never really felt this until we hit the 1 year mark (our breakup).

    Along the way, I definitely made some mistakes. Back in November of 2017 I had immense anxiety issues that led me to neglect her needs, and act as if mine were more important. However, after talking with me, I responded by going to therapy, and engaging in lifestyle changes (going out to see more friends, etc). Another problem that I had was in May of 2018, I had no choice but to leave a growing abusive situation at home with my stepmom; I had to move in with friends, and this process was insanely difficult on me. As a result, I was very very stressed, irritable, and demanding of her support in excess of what is probably normal. Unfortunately, it culminated in me yelling at her at one point during a random argument (this is the only time I ever displayed any yelling in this relationship). Also, I overall was someone who was fighting with insecurities as a grad student, and at times I definitely was asking for more validation than necessary, and getting visibly upset when she didn't do that in some way.

    So, those were my issues that I needed to work on. In terms of her, she has immense issues connecting with people. There were so many times where she was visibly distant and cold for no reason, or completely "absent" from moments of heightened emotional intimacy. We had good sex when we had it, but we would NEVER "make-love". I tried to initiate that experience, and she clearly wanted a different variety of sex. Also, our sex life dropped off VERY quickly. For me, love-making is how I connect with my SO; which is why I save it only for people who I'm deeply in love with (and I expressed that to her). However, even in moments where the context made "sense" (like a romantic evening with massages, candles, etc). she would constantly reject me/turn me down. We are in our 20s, and our rate of sex turned into once a month if we were lucky by about 4 months in. This led to a conversation where I said hey, our intimacy seems to be in a rut, how can we fix this? And she would always tell me that she was feeling "disconnected". So I would respond by doing things to enhance our connection (dates, nice activities), and we still never did anything. It became SO heartbreaking for me; was I unattractive to her? To make matters worse, she would tell me about her sex life with exes, which was a lot more normal. This led me to feel unloved, as during anything that would distinguish us from a friendship (love, emotional connection, intimacy) were being unreciprocated most of the time. Despite all this, there were definitely bouts of passion/intimacy and emotional connection (that sometimes lasted weeks or even a whole month), but seemingly randomly and unprovoked she would blank out and be unable to even kiss me at times.

    In June of 2018, we had our first real breakup. She cited all the reasons why, and how it was difficult with her to connect with me while I was going through my familial issues. We had a discussion about it, and ultimately decided to get back together because she trusted my process (and her father, who loved me, told her that you shouldn't walk out on someone just because they are going through one of lifes many challenges). Again, I responded immediately by going to bereavement therapy, and seeing other friends. As a result, I drastically improved, and so did the relationship at first (passion/intimacy/connecting). However, she then again started the rejecting, the pushing away, and the intimacy went back to being something that was on her terms; not a natural connection between two people in love. She also had extreme jealousy at times that led her to stalk my exes, and even try and restrict friendships of mine (giving me an ultimatum, your friend or me). She revealed to me early on as well that she cheated on every single one of her exes, shy of maybe 1.

    In Aug of 2018, our relationship moved long distance (3 hours), which despite the connection issues, we wanted to try and work through (as we did very much care and love each other). Honestly, for both of us, distance DID make the heart grow fonder as they say in her passion toward me. However, this time I was feeling disconnected, as I said prior its physical interaction in some degree that makes me feel loved and how I show love (kissing, massaging, etc). So, I told her this, which made her completely break down and cry, saying she didn't want to lose me. So I comforted her, and suggested we brainstorm ideas on how to increase our connection emotionally and intimately. We arranged video chat dates, and we agreed to do some sort of phone sex or video chat sex, both were successful. We had several visits with each other, which went extremely well each time (passionate).

    Two days ago, the relationship ended. I came up for the Thanksgiving holiday and stayed with her (it was also our anniversary). The whole week, she was acting extremely distant for the most part, but then clearly trying for closeness during others (very hot/cold). On Monday, we had sex 3 times, but after that, she didn't even want to hold my hand, nor would she engage in any sort of emotionally charged conversation with me at any point. On Saturday, she got a bottle of champagne, closed her bedroom door, kissed me and said she wanted a romantic evening with me (Yay, she's finally making an effort!). This culminated in us in bed, just kissing, massaging, with some sexual activity (grinding). All of a sudden, she backs away from me, and says she doesn't think she wants to connect with me right now. I finally had enough of being rejected emotionally in my relationship, and said we aren't compatible and I proceeded to pack my stuff. She said she agrees, and has felt this way for 3-4 months. Which is NOT how things have been at all; she even applied to PhD programs near my University just to be close to me. And our connection, passion, etc did deepen with the distance and we made so many trips to see each other. Things were looking and feeling good.

    She was then crying, saying she actually thinks its all her fault, and has no idea what she's doing or whats going on; she says she feels like she can't connect with anyone, which reminds her of her mother. She then said she was so afraid I was going to hurt her (emotionally, obvs). She begged and pleaded for me to stay the night so she could drive me to the train station in the morning, but I declined at decided to purchase an Uber. I proceeded to go outside, and she followed me downstairs and begged me to wait inside with her. I again declined, and went outside. She (creepily) watched me from her front door, and when the Uber arrived, she chased after it saying how sorry she was we never got a "goodbye hug". She then called me when I got to my friends house, and said how completely sorry she was, how much she loves and cares about me, etc. So I asked why she feels this way, and she cited the challenges I went through at the beginning of our relationship she never processed (the ones I grew from, learned from, and showed DRAMATIC changes; my anxiety disappeared, i made peace with my home situation, and got a new career training as a PhD in neuroscience). However, she had told me long ago that she did, and saw my changes and my dedication to myself. So I don't understand why she would lie about this? Also, what makes no sense if she's apparently been feeling this way for 3-4 months is that she applied to PhD programs of her own that are SPECIFICALLY close to my university so we could be together. I brought this up in conversation, and she said "I don't know, I just don't feel emotionally available right now to anyone". Then I said okay, no worries, I hope you can work through that.

    We've been in NC since the phone conversation, but she did text me about if I wanted anything back from her (when she knows that she doesn't have anything of mine) and she clearly tried dragging out this conversation. Also, I couldn't help but check her social media (bad for healing, I know) and noticed she's on, on all hours of the night (which is new since the breakup).

    I think its obvious she loves me, cares about me, and is having a hard time with this. I'm just so confused as to why if someone feels those things toward someone, why they have such a hard time in situations showing it. This is probably my most difficult breakup, as the signals even WITH the decision to end things, are mixed (stay the night, lets hug, but breakup, then calling me, etc).

    I know this is a long read, so I appreciate any help or support.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this, but on/off relationships involve continuous unresolved conflicts. There is way too much turbulence and drama for dating one year. Unfortunately in addition to all the external stress, stress of long distance, you are simply not compatible. She may have started talking to more compatible, even-keeled local guys as well.

    There is also a bit of immaturity such as "I proceeded to pack my stuff" style drama scenes when you don't get your way when she's not in the mood for sex. Perhaps some therapy, learning communication skills and learning to temper emotional swings and impulsiveness would help you in future relationships.

    Continue no contact and delete and block her from messaging and social media. There are no mixed signals, just on/off drama. Don't end up in the friendzone. Cut this off.
    Originally Posted by Nick51965309
    In June of 2018, we had our first real breakup.
    In Aug of 2018, our relationship moved long distance (3 hours)

  3. #3
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    Thank you for your response!

    To clarify, it wasn’t so much that she didn’t want to have sex, it was the “frequency” of her pulling away in any capacity “romantically” during those moments. And, if I comforted her and backed off, she was then in hot pursuit again. Very much your typical hot/cold situation and it happened in almost every context. We went on a hike during the week and she was just distant from me, so I withdrew myself and tried to enjoy the hike for what it was. Next thing I know, she’s drawing in close to me and trying to have closeness, and when I reciprocated, she then backed off again. It happened in emotional contexts, sexual contexts, and even just hanging out contexts.

    Our relationship was so deteriorated at that point, and I’ve been dragged through the mud, so I knew I just had to leave and that it wasn’t going to work. I was staying over her parents/her house for the holiday and just felt uncomfortable and wanted to get out of there ASAP.
    Last edited by Nick51965309; 11-26-2018 at 09:33 AM.

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    Sorry for double post, I forgot to add a really important point: any time I tried to bring these things up in a conversation, trying to see if she was okay and such, she often refused to communicate. So it was incredibly frustrating.

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  6. #5
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    I agree with Wiseman. You're just not compatible. Plus you're dealing with various depression issues while she definitely has some mental issues. Plus she has HUGE commitment issues. Being with one guy just freaks her out. It's easier for her to have sex with a stranger than it is with someone who cares about her.

    Look, you've been trying to change her but you can't. This is where you cut your losses and move on.

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    Thanks! Yeah, her commitment issues became increasingly more problematic as the relationship progressed. I have no interest in getting back with her; obviously, I miss our positive interactions, but realized that they were such a small part of our relationship. Part of the way I heal is simply understanding, or, realizing there was nothing to understand.

    Which, is why her making career altering decisions to be proximal to me, under the same period of time she allegedly was sure we weren’t going to work out, makes such little sense. It’s like half of her was fully committed, the other half absently committed. It’s just confusing and hard to understand what she was doing there. Any opinions on that?

  8. #7
    Silver Member Jellybean9's Avatar
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    Reading that all I could see throughout was compatibility issues.

    You are wanting a deep engaging connection whereas she doesn't.

    She is a distant person who doesn't want passionate love making or massages that is just not her. Some people are like that. Doesn't mean there is an issue. It has nothing to do with you or if she fancies you. It's just the way she is.

    Also if you guys had a strong connection like you said you did. It would not break when you encountered issues in your life. In a stable relationship your partner will support you. But you guys broke up and only got back together because her dad said.

    Also the long distance you can often mask the issues that are there as you miss each other. Often the issue are all forgotten until you meet back up.

    You need leave this relationship as it is not making you happy.

    If she reaches out stay strong as out there there is someone who wants all the things you do.

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    I definitely agree, and thank you for your support. We definitely connected in a lot of ways that I haven’t connected to someone before, both being academics. But ultimately looking back, we always cared for each other and loved each other, but we were never able to really build upon a deep meaningful love connection. The effort I put in went unappreciated, as it simply wasn’t what she wanted in her life with all of her commitment issues. So the sight of anything beyond hanging out, made her run because she was never committed in the first place. I just wish she would’ve communicated this and been honest; at least in the beginning when things were less serious, we had a very open line of communication. I could tell her anything, and it was discussed maturely. As the relationship developed and got more serious (life events, long distance, increasing commitment) she really began closing down and imploding, which was a time where I was trying to deepen the connection, (so a complete opposite pattern), and she was trying to deduce it.

    Most of my past relationships ended in a different way, and I always block my exes. I’m not sure what to do here. She definitely cares about me (and vice versa) we just don’t want the same things. Should I still block you think?

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    Silver Member Jellybean9's Avatar
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    If you think she would reach out and delay your healing then I would suggest block.

    That said I haven't blocked all my exes as I've had no need to. I never initiated contact. Just deleted there number. Only one ever reached out. Got on with my life and that was it.

    If you are someone who blocks then maybe do that as that's your thing.

  11. #10
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    Yeah, we’ve only been talking logistics, as I live out of state and I have things of hers that she would want back. Other than that, the only casual thing she did was like some of my Instagram posts, which I thought was odd.


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