Originally Posted by Awanderer
I'm sorry but you sound incredibly cold and inconsiderate to what your SIL has been dealing with here, if she has been the main care giver through all this. I think you and your husband need to do some soul-searching and evaluate how absent you have been through all this, and how casual your attitude is about what your SIL has been shouldering on her own, what she has endured, and what she has sacrificed to be there 247 for their parents. You just shrug off your responsibility because you live 3 hours away and his parents claim they don't want help. That's not facing the reality of what the parents needs and requirements for help are. News flash! NO parent wants to have to ask their kids for help, even more so when it's obvious the child and spouse don't want to be inconvenienced. Sometimes you have to step in and insist on helping elderly parents, even when they argue about it. It sounds to me like you are clueless as to what it is like to be a full time care-giver to a cancer patient or a patient with Parkinson's with dementia.
Cancer THREE TIMES? That's enough to drive any daughter to breaking point, but add in your FILs advanced Parkinson's with dementia and sorry, your SIL is getting BURIED under stress and strain trying to care for them both day in and day out with what sounds like very little help from you or her brother, not to mention very little thanks or appreciation. Does she get ANY time off? Is there ANYONE else to give her a break, even for a few hours? It doesn't sound like it, and I'm guessing this has been going on for YEARS, so no wonder she's angry and full of resentment.
You say she CHOSE it, but not really. No one really chooses this life. They feel driven because they love their parents. They feel obligated. They feel guilty for what the parents are going through and that they can't fix it for them. They feel guilty for feeling resentful for wishing they could get a break. She's given up her whole life to take care of them. Nobody chooses this. And then you dare to judge her because she's angry and frustrated at your lack of involvement and support. She's given up her whole life to help them because you two won't do your share of the care-giving!
I think your husband needs to step up and help figure out a way to be a LOT more helpful. The fact that you live 3 hours away is a very lame excuse. Your husband needs to go stay a couple weekends a month with his parents to give SIL some much needed time off completely away from the house. She needs regular, consistent, reliable breaks away from the constant stress and responsibility. Hire some help for her. It really is not fair that your SIL has had to shoulder the entire burden for their care. It sounds like you are clueless to what caring for a cancer patient entails, from taking them to all their dr appointments, lab work, pharmacies, maybe physical therapy, to cooking all their meals and cleaning up after them, to helping them while they puke their guts out from Chemo or helping them back and forth to the restroom after surgery. And caring for a parent with dementia is absolutely heartbreaking. Your sister is not getting a free ride by living there rent free I guarantee she is earning her living there.
You both need to step up and start giving her a much much needed break. It sounds like your SIL is reaching a breaking point and you both ought to be a little more considerate and a lot less judgmental.