Rude as hell SIL

[~Seraphim ~]

She's a spoilt, horrid little girl who has assumed a stance of aggressive self-pity. If she were to accept help in an adult way, it would blow the martyrdom with which she wants to beat everyone else, so of course she isn't going to do that. Unfortunately family tragedies in general exacerbate any underlying tensions or unresolved behaviour patterns, and if there's been a bereavement or an impending one, doubly so. Or, to put it another way, if someone's normally an absolute git, they'll become a mega-git under stress.

You were right to let your husband deal with her, rather than stepping in yourself, because otherwise this would have been to undermine him in front of her - he's a grown up and deals with things in his own way.

However, it sounds as if your Christmas will be spoiled if you spend any part of it with her around. Is there any way you'd be able to have contact with your mother- and father-in-law to let them know you're there for them, and are thinking of them, without having to extend a visit where you have to deal with your sister-in-law? You know the situation better than anyone else on here, but I have some nightmare relatives whom I don't see for years at a time, and having got over the initial feelings of regret I'm quite happy to keep it that way.

I totally understand why your husband wants to keep the loving contact with his parents, but if there's a way of doing it without having to breathe in the toxic fumes of his sister, then go for it - free of guilt!

(((HUGS))) and hope you had a wonderful birthday despite everything. xxxx

I would love to take them out without her but they tell her everything and these people don’t like surprise anything . The last time we took my in-laws out my FIL didn’t know where he was and couldn’t figure out how to put a hamburger together.

The only thing would be to have my husband take an annual day and I close my daycare for a day and go see them while she is at work but then I lose $150 for the day. But I just may need to do that .

[tattoobunnie]

My brothers and I don't say please or thank you when we're in private. No need to...we're siblings.

But if she is not right in the head, why expect her to act normal? Sometimes you just have to LOWER - LOWER - LOWER your expectations.

[nutbrownhare]

I would love to take them out without her but they tell her everything and these people don’t like surprise anything . The last time we took my in-laws out my FIL didn’t know where he was and couldn’t figure out how to put a hamburger together.

The only thing would be to have my husband take an annual day and I close my daycare for a day and go see them while she is at work but then I lose $150 for the day. But I just may need to do that .

Gawd ... what a nightmare. Hope you manage to sort something out!

[~Seraphim ~]

My brothers and I don't say please or thank you when we're in private. No need to...we're siblings.

But if she is not right in the head, why expect her to act normal? Sometimes you just have to LOWER - LOWER - LOWER your expectations.

But you probably don’t snarl at your brother “ get over here and help me and tell him to shut up. “

She is going to have lower hers when we no longer see her after her folks are dead. And she can find another pasty to go to Disney with her not my son.

[~Seraphim ~]

It is a nightmare.

Gawd ... what a nightmare. Hope you manage to sort something out!

[SherrySher]

My SIL is not much better. All you can do is try your best to ignore it. (even though I know it is aggravating as h3ll).

Hang in there.x

[Awanderer]

the poor 84 year old woman had cancer surgery a few months ago. Cancer for the 3rd time and my FIL has advanced Parkinson’s with dementia.

I'm sorry but you sound incredibly cold and inconsiderate to what your SIL has been dealing with here, if she has been the main care giver through all this. I think you and your husband need to do some soul-searching and evaluate how absent you have been through all this, and how casual your attitude is about what your SIL has been shouldering on her own, what she has endured, and what she has sacrificed to be there 247 for their parents. You just shrug off your responsibility because you live 3 hours away and his parents claim they don't want help. That's not facing the reality of what the parents needs and requirements for help are. News flash! NO parent wants to have to ask their kids for help, even more so when it's obvious the child and spouse don't want to be inconvenienced. Sometimes you have to step in and insist on helping elderly parents, even when they argue about it. It sounds to me like you are clueless as to what it is like to be a full time care-giver to a cancer patient or a patient with Parkinson's with dementia.

Cancer THREE TIMES? That's enough to drive any daughter to breaking point, but add in your FILs advanced Parkinson's with dementia and sorry, your SIL is getting BURIED under stress and strain trying to care for them both day in and day out with what sounds like very little help from you or her brother, not to mention very little thanks or appreciation. Does she get ANY time off? Is there ANYONE else to give her a break, even for a few hours? It doesn't sound like it, and I'm guessing this has been going on for YEARS, so no wonder she's angry and full of resentment.

You say she CHOSE it, but not really. No one really chooses this life. They feel driven because they love their parents. They feel obligated. They feel guilty for what the parents are going through and that they can't fix it for them. They feel guilty for feeling resentful for wishing they could get a break. She's given up her whole life to take care of them. Nobody chooses this. And then you dare to judge her because she's angry and frustrated at your lack of involvement and support. She's given up her whole life to help them because you two won't do your share of the care-giving!

I think your husband needs to step up and help figure out a way to be a LOT more helpful. The fact that you live 3 hours away is a very lame excuse. Your husband needs to go stay a couple weekends a month with his parents to give SIL some much needed time off completely away from the house. She needs regular, consistent, reliable breaks away from the constant stress and responsibility. Hire some help for her. It really is not fair that your SIL has had to shoulder the entire burden for their care. It sounds like you are clueless to what caring for a cancer patient entails, from taking them to all their dr appointments, lab work, pharmacies, maybe physical therapy, to cooking all their meals and cleaning up after them, to helping them while they puke their guts out from Chemo or helping them back and forth to the restroom after surgery. And caring for a parent with dementia is absolutely heartbreaking. Your sister is not getting a free ride by living there rent free I guarantee she is earning her living there.

You both need to step up and start giving her a much much needed break. It sounds like your SIL is reaching a breaking point and you both ought to be a little more considerate and a lot less judgmental.

[DanZee]

I would just say this is sibling stuff, so stay out of it. Let your husband handle it. Don't say anything. This resentment probably goes all the way back to the womb. You can't do anything about it now. Just take the higher road and always be polite and don't say a harsh word to her. Keep in mind, you just have to get through these family events and try to leave with your dignity.

[tattoobunnie]

But you probably don’t snarl at your brother “ get over here and help me and tell him to shut up. “

She is going to have lower hers when we no longer see her after her folks are dead. And she can find another pasty to go to Disney with her not my son.

Depends. If I cooked an entire Thanksgiving dinner, and they aren't jumping in to help clean up, there'd be a beat down.

[~Seraphim ~]

I'm sorry but you sound incredibly cold and inconsiderate to what your SIL has been dealing with here, if she has been the main care giver through all this. I think you and your husband need to do some soul-searching and evaluate how absent you have been through all this, and how casual your attitude is about what your SIL has been shouldering on her own, what she has endured, and what she has sacrificed to be there 247 for their parents. You just shrug off your responsibility because you live 3 hours away and his parents claim they don't want help. That's not facing the reality of what the parents needs and requirements for help are. News flash! NO parent wants to have to ask their kids for help, even more so when it's obvious the child and spouse don't want to be inconvenienced. Sometimes you have to step in and insist on helping elderly parents, even when they argue about it. It sounds to me like you are clueless as to what it is like to be a full time care-giver to a cancer patient or a patient with Parkinson's with dementia.

Cancer THREE TIMES? That's enough to drive any daughter to breaking point, but add in your FILs advanced Parkinson's with dementia and sorry, your SIL is getting BURIED under stress and strain trying to care for them both day in and day out with what sounds like very little help from you or her brother, not to mention very little thanks or appreciation. Does she get ANY time off? Is there ANYONE else to give her a break, even for a few hours? It doesn't sound like it, and I'm guessing this has been going on for YEARS, so no wonder she's angry and full of resentment.

You say she CHOSE it, but not really. No one really chooses this life. They feel driven because they love their parents. They feel obligated. They feel guilty for what the parents are going through and that they can't fix it for them. They feel guilty for feeling resentful for wishing they could get a break. She's given up her whole life to take care of them. Nobody chooses this. And then you dare to judge her because she's angry and frustrated at your lack of involvement and support. She's given up her whole life to help them because you two won't do your share of the care-giving!

I think your husband needs to step up and help figure out a way to be a LOT more helpful. The fact that you live 3 hours away is a very lame excuse. Your husband needs to go stay a couple weekends a month with his parents to give SIL some much needed time off completely away from the house. She needs regular, consistent, reliable breaks away from the constant stress and responsibility. Hire some help for her. It really is not fair that your SIL has had to shoulder the entire burden for their care. It sounds like you are clueless to what caring for a cancer patient entails, from taking them to all their dr appointments, lab work, pharmacies, maybe physical therapy, to cooking all their meals and cleaning up after them, to helping them while they puke their guts out from Chemo or helping them back and forth to the restroom after surgery. And caring for a parent with dementia is absolutely heartbreaking. Your sister is not getting a free ride by living there rent free I guarantee she is earning her living there.

You both need to step up and start giving her a much much needed break. It sounds like your SIL is reaching a breaking point and you both ought to be a little more considerate and a lot less judgmental.

My husband is in the military and can’t just up and leave whenever he wants.

PLUS , I research ALL KINDS of in home hell for them through social workers and everything. Even MY parents did. It was thrown back at us.

Plus my in-laws have been aholes to me for 30 years but you don’t know that. They are lucky I even have any compassion.

And my MIL has never had chemo but surgery and my husband went down for a week and stayed with his dad while his sister cared for their mom at the hospital.