Rude as hell SIL

We went to see my in-laws for mine and my MIL’s combined birthday. For the past year since my in-laws got really sick and have been needing a lot of care my sister-in-law has been incredibly rude to my husband.( her brother) Now keep in mind we live three hours away and they have refused all kind of outside help. Do not even bring it up with them it’s not even going to be considered.

Anyway my sister-in-law has been increasingly rude to each visit . Yesterday she was 2 1/2 hours past the time she said she was going to be there without a call.

Then after the meal when her mother was out of the room she says to my husband ,”get up here and help me with these dishes .” It was said in an extremely rude tone with no please or anything . In the past year my husband has not defended himself except this time and said don’t speak to me that way . She proceeded to say, really really I should have to ask you anything?” To which my husband said please would be nice . So she said please and he went to help and then here she proceeded to needle him some more and then told him in an extremely rude tone told him to ,”shut up .”

At the point my son and I our mouths fell open . I burst into tears. I ADORE my husband and hate to see him disrespected by that spoiled little snot. I have never cried at my in-laws house in my life so that was embarrassing .

My husband keeps letting this behaviour go. However, I can’t tolerate it. I have never seen adult siblings act like that . However ,I can’t go to Boxing Day if this is how she’s going to act. She can ruin her own Christmas if that’s how she wants to be .

We went to see my in-laws for mine and my MIL’s combined birthday. For the past year since my in-laws got really sick and have been needing a lot of care my sister-in-law has been incredibly rude to my husband.( her brother) Now keep in mind we live three hours away and they have refused all kind of outside help. Do not even bring it up with them it’s not even going to be considered.

 

Anyway my sister-in-law has been increasingly rude to each visit . Yesterday she was 2 1/2 hours past the time she said she was going to be there without a call.

 

Then after the meal when her mother was out of the room she says to my husband ,”get up here and help me with these dishes .” It was said in an extremely rude tone with no please or anything . In the past year my husband has not defended himself except this time and said don’t speak to me that way . She proceeded to say, really really I should have to ask you anything?” To which my husband said please would be nice . So she said please and he went to help and then here she proceeded to needle him some more and then told him in an extremely rude tone told him to ,”shut up .”

 

At the point my son and I our mouths fell open . I burst into tears. I ADORE my husband and hate to see him disrespected by that spoiled little snot. I have never cried at my in-laws house in my life so that was embarrassing .

 

My husband keeps letting this behaviour go. However, I can’t tolerate it. I have never seen adult siblings act like that . However ,I can’t go to Boxing Day if this is how she’s going to act. She can ruin her own Christmas if that’s how she wants to be .

Why didn't you say something in your husband's defense? She is a bully and needs to be put in her place.

The same happened with my mother's family. My mother got married to my father and they moved away from the family home to a different city, then years later even further away.

When my grandmother got older, my uncle, who had always lived nearby, took it upon himself to be the 'carer' after my grandfather died, mowing lawns, hospital visits etc and charging my grandmother excessively for it. Then, when my grandmother passed on, my uncle went to court to argue the will stating since 'he was the carer and my mother had moved away' he should get it all. We, of course, fought it and got the will left as it was stated. This caused a breakdown of their relationship, and my uncle, mum's only sibling, has not spoken to her in 10 years. This, of course, has deeply hurt my mother.

To me, it sounds like you Sister in law is acting out because your husband isn't giving the same level of care to the family that, in her mind, she is. Based on how she is now, it would sound like there are a lot of barriers to getting this resolved. Even getting the underlying issue out on the table will no doubt be frought with annoyance, but it would be best to get it down as time will make it worse. And then, at least you know why she has her knickers in a knot.

His family holds life long grudges and his parents are at end stage of life and he wants to see them. I wasn’t going to get in a fight on his mom’s birthday after the poor 84 year old woman had cancer surgery a few months ago. Cancer for the 3rd time and my FIL has advanced Parkinson’s with dementia. My SIL will get hers after her parents are gone. Plus my husband is almost 50 years old. He can speak up. But he didn’t want to ruin his mother’s birthday as it could be her last.

Why didn't you say something in your husband's defense? She is a bully and needs to be put in her place.

The same happened with my mother's family. My mother got married to my father and they moved away from the family home to a different city, then years later even further away.

 

When my grandmother got older, my uncle, who had always lived nearby, took it upon himself to be the 'carer' after my grandfather died, mowing lawns, hospital visits etc and charging my grandmother excessively for it. Then, when my grandmother passed on, my uncle went to court to argue the will stating since 'he was the carer and my mother had moved away' he should get it all. We, of course, fought it and got the will left as it was stated. This caused a breakdown of their relationship, and my uncle, mum's only sibling, has not spoken to her in 10 years. This, of course, has deeply hurt my mother.

 

To me, it sounds like you Sister in law is acting out because your husband isn't giving the same level of care to the family that, in her mind, she is. Based on how she is now, it would sound like there are a lot of barriers to getting this resolved. Even getting the underlying issue out on the table will no doubt be frought with annoyance, but it would be best to get it down as time will make it worse. And then, at least you know why she has her knickers in a knot.

This is exactly it. She is the caretaker and has CHOSEN to be. She also lived at home completely money free until 36. She also never did one chore, never cooked one meal or even washed her own clothes until she left home . On the other end of the scale my husband left home at 23 and made a life with me and has paid for himself.

Yeah not cool. Whatever issues there are, don't bring that around the parents. They've done their bit, they deserve some peace.

It never fails to shock me how self absorbed some people can be. There have been times I've wanted to cuff my bfs sister. His folks are 72 and 69, and she's always pulling them into real hard core stress and expects so much from them. Just really pisses me off how oblivious she is to their health and well being.

Sounds uncomfortable and awkward. However whatever sibling resentment is going on, your husband does his best to avoid drama and get through it. Perhaps he could help out more with the parents and with holiday gatherings. Nothing anyone can do about her personality or their sibling issues. Try to relax and let your husband deal with it. Just help out, leave the room or attend to your son or do something else.

For the past year since my in-laws got really sick and have been needing a lot of care my sister-in-law has been incredibly rude to my husband. Then after the meal when her mother was out of the room she says to my husband ,”get up here and help me with these dishes .” My husband keeps letting this behaviour go.

Yeah not cool. Whatever issues there are, don't bring that around the parents. They've done their bit, they deserve some peace.

It never fails to shock me how self absorbed some people can be. There have been times I've wanted to cuff my bfs sister. His folks are 72 and 69, and she's always pulling them into real hard core stress and expects so much from them. Just really pisses me off how oblivious she is to their health and well being.

Yes, this woman doesn’t care who she stresses either. She resents my husband has a life and she doesn’t. It was her choice though. She is spoiled rotten.

Sounds uncomfortable and awkward. However whatever sibling resentment is going on, your husband does his best to avoid drama and get through it. Perhaps he could help out more with the parents and with holiday gatherings. Nothing anyone can do about her personality or their sibling issues. Try to relax and let your husband deal with it. Just help out, leave the room or attend to your son or do something else.

My husband helps when he can. He got compassionate leave twice in one year to help out when his mom was hospitalized twice in one year. He looked after his dad both times and even I went for a week to care for his dad.

I wish there was a place to go in their place. They moved from their house to a 700 SQ ft condo including bedrooms. There is NO place to go.

But I won’t go to Christmas.

She's harboring resentment because she feels she's the one doing all the work. As you said, she put herself in that position, and you & your husband live too far away to help. Plus, they've refused any outside help, so it's all on her. Now, if she were to move away tomorrow, they'd have no choice, but since she's close, she continues to help, and resentment ensues.

She's acting childish and extremely rude.

However, skipping Boxing Day would hurt your in-laws.

When you go, is it possible to stay in a hotel (if you don't already)? Is it possible to swing by, say Merry Xmas, and leave when her rude behavior kicks in?

Your husband is trying to keep the peace. He's trying to be the bigger person here, and he's succeeding at that, as if he were as horrid as her, a huge blowout would ensue. He's trying to keep that from happening, so give him props for that.

I get why you didn't step in. First of all, your first reaction was to cry.....I get it. Secondly, if you did, then you'd be blamed for the enormous blowout that she was probably hoping for, and that would hurt your husband, your son, and his parents. You are in a no-win situation.

Family drama is such bullish*t. I'm so sorry you're going through this. She sounds terrible. Once his parents pass on, you never have to see her again.

She's harboring resentment because she feels she's the one doing all the work. As you said, she put herself in that position, and you & your husband live too far away to help. Plus, they've refused any outside help, so it's all on her. Now, if she were to move away tomorrow, they'd have no choice, but since she's close, she continues to help, and resentment ensues.

 

She's acting childish and extremely rude.

 

However, skipping Boxing Day would hurt your in-laws.

 

When you go, is it possible to stay in a hotel (if you don't already)? Is it possible to swing by, say Merry Xmas, and leave when her rude behavior kicks in?

 

Your husband is trying to keep the peace. He's trying to be the bigger person here, and he's succeeding at that, as if he were as horrid as her, a huge blowout would ensue. He's trying to keep that from happening, so give him props for that.

 

I get why you didn't step in. First of all, your first reaction was to cry.....I get it. Secondly, if you did, then you'd be blamed for the enormous blowout that she was probably hoping for, and that would hurt your husband, your son, and his parents. You are in a no-win situation.

 

Family drama is such bullish*t. I'm so sorry you're going through this. She sounds terrible. Once his parents pass on, you never have to see her again.

Yes, absolutely we stayed in a hotel because there’s nowhere to stay with either family . When we go to see them we only see them max for four hours because they are very elderly and most of time too old for more than that. She wants a massive blow up to show us up. She resents having to look after her parents even though they carried her on their butt till she was in her 40s . She spoiled rotten and needs a smack upside her head . She will be hearing from me after her parents die believe me .

My husband is a peacemaker like his mother. I am more of a butt kicker . I don’t put up with bull crap and she’ll be hearing from me once her parents are gone . For now I’m silent due to respect for my husband and my in-laws .

I totally understand their situation. When my dad was dying from cancer, the familiarly imploded on itself. It's very stressful for all.

If it were me and my sister in law was angry/frustrated, I would have diffused the situation, showed some empathy and told her to take a much needed break and I would take care of the dishes. Maybe suggest the siblings go spend some time together and talk.

Some kindness can go a long way.

fk her vic

I totally understand their situation. When my dad was dying from cancer, the familiarly imploded on itself. It's very stressful for all.

 

If it were me and my sister in law was angry/frustrated, I would have diffused the situation, showed some empathy and told her to take a much needed break and I would take care of the dishes. Maybe suggest the siblings go spend some time together and talk.

 

Some kindness can go a long way.

My husband tried that before by taking her for dinner last time she blew up at him. Didn’t work. She told me to sit my butt because it was my birthday celebration too. She didn’t want me to do dishes. She wants him to read minds and just get up and do things. My husband isn’t like that. You need to tell him what is needed.

One time though she asked my husband to go to football game with her in Ottawa which is three hours from us and six hours from her and she stood him up without saying a word because she was mad about something . She is a bytch.

If it were me and my sister in law was angry/frustrated, I would have diffused the situation, showed some empathy and told her to take a much needed break and I would take care of the dishes. Maybe suggest the siblings go spend some time together and talk.

 

Some kindness can go a long way.

This advice would be great if she were a normal person.

I have a feeling, though, she's a toxic person who would respond to kindness as just another way to get ticked off. Oh, so now you've decided to help me with the dishes? After all I've done!!! Blah blah blah, run, scream out of the room, slam a door......unfortunately, we have one of those in our family (ironically, my SIL too), so I've done this dance before.

fk her vic

Right. I wanted to smack her silly.

And as we are leaving she says to me, “ well you had your birthday anyway so goodbye.” Wth is THAT?

She's a spoilt, horrid little girl who has assumed a stance of aggressive self-pity. If she were to accept help in an adult way, it would blow the martyrdom with which she wants to beat everyone else, so of course she isn't going to do that. Unfortunately family tragedies in general exacerbate any underlying tensions or unresolved behaviour patterns, and if there's been a bereavement or an impending one, doubly so. Or, to put it another way, if someone's normally an absolute git, they'll become a mega-git under stress.

You were right to let your husband deal with her, rather than stepping in yourself, because otherwise this would have been to undermine him in front of her - he's a grown up and deals with things in his own way.

However, it sounds as if your Christmas will be spoiled if you spend any part of it with her around. Is there any way you'd be able to have contact with your mother- and father-in-law to let them know you're there for them, and are thinking of them, without having to extend a visit where you have to deal with your sister-in-law? You know the situation better than anyone else on here, but I have some nightmare relatives whom I don't see for years at a time, and having got over the initial feelings of regret I'm quite happy to keep it that way.

I totally understand why your husband wants to keep the loving contact with his parents, but if there's a way of doing it without having to breathe in the toxic fumes of his sister, then go for it - free of guilt!

(((HUGS))) and hope you had a wonderful birthday despite everything. xxxx

She's a spoilt, horrid little girl who has assumed a stance of aggressive self-pity. If she were to accept help in an adult way, it would blow the martyrdom with which she wants to beat everyone else, so of course she isn't going to do that. Unfortunately family tragedies in general exacerbate any underlying tensions or unresolved behaviour patterns, and if there's been a bereavement or an impending one, doubly so. Or, to put it another way, if someone's normally an absolute git, they'll become a mega-git under stress.

 

You were right to let your husband deal with her, rather than stepping in yourself, because otherwise this would have been to undermine him in front of her - he's a grown up and deals with things in his own way.

 

However, it sounds as if your Christmas will be spoiled if you spend any part of it with her around. Is there any way you'd be able to have contact with your mother- and father-in-law to let them know you're there for them, and are thinking of them, without having to extend a visit where you have to deal with your sister-in-law? You know the situation better than anyone else on here, but I have some nightmare relatives whom I don't see for years at a time, and having got over the initial feelings of regret I'm quite happy to keep it that way.

 

I totally understand why your husband wants to keep the loving contact with his parents, but if there's a way of doing it without having to breathe in the toxic fumes of his sister, then go for it - free of guilt!

 

(((HUGS))) and hope you had a wonderful birthday despite everything. xxxx

I would love to take them out without her but they tell her everything and these people don’t like surprise anything . The last time we took my in-laws out my FIL didn’t know where he was and couldn’t figure out how to put a hamburger together.

The only thing would be to have my husband take an annual day and I close my daycare for a day and go see them while she is at work but then I lose $150 for the day. But I just may need to do that .

My brothers and I don't say please or thank you when we're in private. No need to...we're siblings.

But if she is not right in the head, why expect her to act normal? Sometimes you just have to LOWER - LOWER - LOWER your expectations.

I would love to take them out without her but they tell her everything and these people don’t like surprise anything . The last time we took my in-laws out my FIL didn’t know where he was and couldn’t figure out how to put a hamburger together.

 

The only thing would be to have my husband take an annual day and I close my daycare for a day and go see them while she is at work but then I lose $150 for the day. But I just may need to do that .

Gawd ... what a nightmare. Hope you manage to sort something out!

My brothers and I don't say please or thank you when we're in private. No need to...we're siblings.

 

But if she is not right in the head, why expect her to act normal? Sometimes you just have to LOWER - LOWER - LOWER your expectations.

But you probably don’t snarl at your brother “ get over here and help me and tell him to shut up. “

She is going to have lower hers when we no longer see her after her folks are dead. And she can find another pasty to go to Disney with her not my son.

It is a nightmare.

Gawd ... what a nightmare. Hope you manage to sort something out!