I like my ex’s roommate!

And he likes me... we’ve talked about wanting to date but he wants to respect my ex and not have an awkward living situation which I understand... I am wondering if it could be mitigated by being up front tho.

My question is... do you think it would be a good idea if I went to my ex and told him I was interested in dating his roommate and wanted to know how he felt about that?

I am willing to accept whatever answer he gives me... we have been apart for almost 3 years and he has a GF so there is no pining going on from his side.

I guess I am wondering if asking is a good idea or if I should just let this go.

His roommate is a really great guy and I have known him for a few years... they only just started being roommates this year, before that they didn’t know each other.

It’s just that the roommate makes me have those butterflies you know? After all this time a switch flipped and I was like ooooohhh.... And I want to be respectful by not hiding or going behind my ex’s back.... maybe I am just in denial though and it’s a dumb idea and I need to let it go altogether.

Thoughts?

It sounds like you already discussed it with the ex's roommate and he doesn't want to pursue it. Good roommates are hard to come by and it sounds like he wants to keep his current living situation. If he was totally in to you, then pursuing something with you would be more important to him, but he said he doesn't want to create an awkward living situation. Respect that and let it go. If you go around him and talk to your ex anyway, that may totally backfire and 1.) create the exact awkward living situation he wanted to avoid and 2.) make him completely change his mind about you and want nothing to do with you because you wouldn't respect his decision.

It sounds like you already discussed it with the ex's roommate and he doesn't want to pursue it.

Exactly. The roommate has already told you no. You will look silly bringing it up to your ex. The roommate won't back you if you bring it up.

Don't bring it up to your ex, OP. You already got a clear "no" from your object of interest.

Right now there is no need to discuss it with you ex.

Even if your ex's roommate decided to date you... Until things get serious why tell your ex? You've been apart for three years. He has moved on in life. You don't need to explain your life to him really.

I'm not sure if you are still friends with your ex and want to bring respectful. But it sounds like he wasn't friends before with the roommate so he is literally just a roommate.

Just do you!

You are obviously confortable with your ex's housemate, so after the breakup and some time later, the connection was already there. This is why your heart leaped to the possibility of something easily happening between you both. That he has said no, has only served to encourage the crush, and yes, it is a crush. Crushes tend to grow with the Object of our affection is unavailable to us.

Keep your distance from him and let the crush fade away.

Why are you hanging around your ex's place so much? Why are you hanging around with your ex at all? He's an ex. Don't go behind the roommate's back and have this discussion with your ex. You don't want to ruin a good living situation, let alone a friendship. This whole situation seems like playing with fire. You shouldn't be hanging around your ex this much that you don't have your own circle. Meet someone outside of your ex and his circle. Do you still have feelings for your ex?

How did it come about that you are around your ex enough to develop feelings for his housemate? You don't need to ask your ex because his roommate already explained that he would not be comfortable with it. It may be best to let it be a crush but seek men somewhere else to date.

he wants to respect my ex and not have an awkward living situation .

How did it come about that you are around your ex enough to develop feelings for his housemate? You don't need to ask your ex because his roommate already explained that he would not be comfortable with it. It may be best to let it be a crush but seek men somewhere else to date.

I’ve never been to their place and I am rarely around my ex

The roommate and I know each other through other mutual friends and see each other weekly. He was the one to ask me out and then changed his mind the next day because he didn’t feel right about it.

I realize it’s a crush but it’s the first time since I started dating that I have been asked out by someone I had a crush on or even like for that matter and I was very excited and now I am beyond disappointed.

I won’t do anything.

It would actually be incumbent upon the roommate to ask your ex.

He may feel like he's breaking "bro code" to date you.

It would actually be incumbent upon the roommate to ask your ex.

 

He may feel like he's breaking "bro code" to date you.

I totally understand and agree with this. If it were reversed I don't know what I would do. Probably outwardly behave like an adult about it but inwardly feel yucky.

That all being said... the roommate changed his mind... no means no and I need to accept the answer.

Unfortunately, if the roommate really likes you, he is the one who is going to have to talk to your ex and make this happen.

If he is turning away from wanting to do that, then it's not a good sign.

It's a shame.

Hopefully this disappointment will pass quickly.

Call me nuts, but this doesn’t sound so complicated to me, assuming you and your ex have a decent relationship, even if that’s in silence. Meaning: it’s resolved, over, for both of you.

I have exes who have gone on to date my friends after years apart—same circles, life happening. We’ve all had dinner, laughed, on one occasion rented a house in the country together. It’s maybe awkward for a moment, but if there’s respect and maturity it’s pretty easy to navigate.

Of course, the roommate part could get tricky down the line—thin walls, etc.—and is clearly a hiccup for the dude right now, so let it lie for a bit, enjoy the crush, let the flutters be a reminder that, well, you’re capable of fluttering.

Maybe things change a bit with time, and the roommate isn’t so hung up on the situation. If that becomes the case, I don’t think you need to get in front of this by reaching out to the ex. You’re adults, living separate lives. If a little spark seems to be turning into something else, you’ll deal with that as it comes.

Call me nuts, but this doesn’t sound so complicated to me, assuming you and your ex have a decent relationship, even if that’s in silence. Meaning: it’s resolved, over, for both of you.

 

I have exes who have gone on to date my friends after years apart—same circles, life happening. We’ve all had dinner, laughed, on one occasion rented a house in the country together. It’s maybe awkward for a moment, but if there’s respect and maturity it’s pretty easy to navigate.

 

Of course, the roommate part could get tricky down the line—thin walls, etc.—and is clearly a hiccup for the dude right now, so let it lie for a bit, enjoy the crush, let the flutters be a reminder that, well, you’re capable of fluttering.

 

Maybe things change a bit with time, and the roommate isn’t so hung up on the situation. If that becomes the case, I don’t think you need to get in front of this by reaching out to the ex. You’re adults, living separate lives. If a little spark seems to be turning into something else, you’ll deal with that as it comes.

Not at all nuts, I completely agree with this. I do think my ex and I are capable of behaving like grown ups in this situation... I also recognize that I am not the one that has to live with my ex and that it is indeed down to what the roommate is willing to live with in his own life.

At any rate, it is what it is and I am powerless to change it... I have done what I can do in terms of behaving like a mature adult from my side of things.

Onwards and upwards.