Trusting my wife again after her office Sex-Texting

Been married to my wife for 19 years and have 2 teenage children. No major dramas during our marriage, always had a good sex life.

12 months ago, installing some software on her PC I opened her Facebook which was just a shortcut on her desktop. Never went directly onto her Facebook before. I found myself snooping on her imessages (my bad) and could see that she seemed to be quite close to one of her male work colleges. One comment he said to her was that she was an absolute fox. I didn’t like it but I left it. I did though start making a point of over the following months checking their messages every now and again, and I found they were starting to communicate more and more.

I soon became obsessed after this and started following her message trail everyday unknowing to her. I figured out her Facebook password (not hard) and logged into her imessage account from my own phone. Their texting soon became quite explicit, talking about sex all the time. Mainly him describing what he wanted to do with my wife and continually asking her questions about her fantasies. She was always obliging and also telling him even though she “still loved me” there was an attraction to him she couldn’t help. She deleted the conversation at the end of each day at his request because of security but use to say to him “he doesn’t know my Facebook logon anyway ….”

My wife seemed a completely different person with him. This guy was a massive sleaze. Some of the stuff he said to her shocked me (and I’m no prude) but she loved it, responding with smiley emoje’s and love hearts. And get this, about a year ago her sister-in-law was caught out cheating on her brother and my wife went ballistic when she heard. Use to go on about how could married people have affairs and how trashy her sister-in-law was. Anyway in one text “office sleaze” went into explicit detail to her about the 2 previous times he cheated on his wife. And what is my wife’s reply to that. “That’s naughty…heh...heh...” and sends more hugging and love heart emojes to Office sleaze.

I was very curious to see how far my “loving wife” was going to take this so took the risk of letting it roll along, I rationalized that at least at this point I could track what was going on even though I was very conflicted on what to do and it was starting to really stress me. From the texts they talked about their physical encounters in the company lift and stairwell where they would occasionally meet to kiss and cuddle especially when office drinks were on. Even to watching porn on his laptop. Office sleaze kept suggesting meeting in a motel room but my wife never responded to that.

We had an argument one night though (about her work) and that’s when I finally snapped and I told her I had read every message. Even showed her printouts of the screen shotted messages.

My wife went into meltdown, shock, freaked out, cried, said it wasn’t her, said she didn’t know what she was doing and vowed to immediately end all socializing with office sleaze and make it up to me from then on. She insisted that she would never have had sex with him, it was flirting that got a little out of control. As they hadn’t at that stage had no actual sexual encounters meant I had to make an effort and keep things in perspective even though before being outed she had no intention of slowing down her office “affair” and who knows where it could have gone.

There’s an extra complication to all this and I had to factor this into my reaction. Her medication. Before all this started my wife for medical reasons had to go on a high dosage of Steroids for about 6 months. Her behaviour changed while she was on this drug, she was more carefree, didn’t want to stress about anything, happier, and our sex life went through the roof. But that is when the explicit sex texting started and the other things at her work. She takes responsibility somewhat for what happened but mainly blames the steroids and claimed “it wasn’t her”.

My dilemma is that she still works with this guy and I did establish she always liked him even before the steroid/ sex texting period. But she assures me nothing is now going on, her period on steroids is finished and she tells me she is now actually uneasy around him. She told office sleaze that I knew everything and they are now no longer Facebook friends (obviously). I had threatened to blow their “affair” up in their office to get back at him (I had screen shot weeks of their conversation, including him boasting about his affairs, and all I had to do was mail it to his wife….I still dream of doing that) but my wife who has a high profile in her department is terrified of any blow back from his wife that would ruin her rep. From snippets of information she has let slip to me he is still pursuing her to some small degree, asking to go out for coffee’s and drinks and talk about things.

So still a hard one for me, I want to trust her, but I still get nervous everyday she goes into the office.

Well, steroids can make people horny and can make them feel really good and really powerful. I'm inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt here. I was on some simple blood pressure medication that sent me to the hospital twice in 10 days, and a replacement medication that caused my legs to swell up and my arms to break out in a rash, not to mention turning me into a zombie. So a lot of these medications doctors hand out like candy are quite powerful.

I think she's been shamed and embarrassed enough not to continue this office romance, and stopping the steroids will help. Put yourself in her place. If you were horny all the time, I'm sure you'd be coming on to every girl you met just to keep sane.

Now, if you don't want to drive her into the arms of this guy again, you've got to forgive her totally. Loss of affection is the number one reason women cheat, and you don't want to cause a situation that pushes her away. I think this is the only time I would tell someone to forgive and forget. She wasn't in her right state of mind.

Sorry to hear this. Up to 30% of people on high dose steroids develop full blown mania and to a lesser extent psychotic symptoms. However that does not excuse this affair.

Marriage therapy is a must here. Also while your evidence gathering did uncover this, it's time to rebuild trust both ways. Do not threaten to tattletale and tell the office. They probably already noticed/know, so that is of no value.

Before all this started my wife for medical reasons had to go on a high dosage of Steroids for about 6 months. Her behaviour changed while she was on this drug, she was more carefree, didn’t want to stress about anything, happier, and our sex life went through the roof. She takes responsibility somewhat for what happened but mainly blames the steroids and claimed “it wasn’t her”.

I found out my husband was sexting an old ex this time last year.

This is my thread about it: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=544838

Although even though he's now in counseling once a week, he still hasn't verbally apologized, and I still haven't really forgiven him.

You have to just realize, she cheated. It can take a very very very (years) long time to move on from this.

So, your wife works with his wife? I emailed screenshots to the woman's husband. Blow back on her? Maybe she shouldn't have done it in the 1st place if she was that concerned about her reputation. This is for the benefit of the cheated on spouse. What about her reputation as a wife to YOU?

Steroids can make you impulsive, but SIX WHOLE MONTHS is not being impulsive - it's premeditated and a choice. I wouldn't let her off the hook so easy. Picture months and months of her talking about having his di*k inside her.

Also, this is something they will probably do again once things settle. Blaming the steroids is not being accountable. There is no medication in the world with a disclaimer that says, "May cause uncontrollable sexting with someone other than your spouse!"

Good luck. I would take some time to think about what you want. And make your needs and demands known.

Its between you and your wife how you handle this. Bottom line, if you want to stay together then you BOTH should be headed to a marriage counselor. You, to help you learn how to trust her again and her, to learn personal boundaries and how to keep herself out of temptation's way even if she's as horny as a toad on steroids.

Good luck. You've been married a good many years, work together with the help of a counselor to get you through this. At least then if you find yourself unable to trust her even after therapy TOGETHER and the marriage dissolves, you will know you did your best to get past it before throwing in the towel.

I think she's been shamed and embarrassed enough not to continue this office romance, and stopping the steroids will help.

 

Now, if you don't want to drive her into the arms of this guy again, you've got to forgive her totally. Loss of affection is the number one reason women cheat, and you don't want to cause a situation that pushes her away. I think this is the only time I would tell someone to forgive and forget. She wasn't in her right state of mind.

I pretty much agree with this. I've had heated discussions with her about about all this since, and one time she got so upset that she said "The way your carrying on I might as well as have had sex with him". I had to really reinforce my position to her after that statement. Made it perfectly clear that as it stands that I will not forget but I can forgive, but if there was sex....well I wouldn't be sitting with her here now.

So yes I have made a deliberate effort to spend more quality time with my wife and stop belittling her about what happened and that side of its been good. I definitely do not want to unintentionally push her back to him again as this predator is waiting for an opportunity.

"...but I still get nervous everyday she goes into the office."

- As well you should.

"...as this predator is waiting for an opportunity."

- Very astute. You're the first poster I ever noticed who understands this element of infidelity. Lonely neglected wives are easy targets.

Unless you change-up the game (yep, marriage, like dating is sort of a game), the affair(s) will most likely continue.

To understand infidelity read James Dobson's "Love must be Tough" (Never let her see this book)

"The way your carrying on I might as well as have had sex with him"

You have every single right to your feelings. The way she's making you feel guilty and that you shouldn't feel the way you do, talk about her lacking what-so-ever accountability. So everytime she's on a medication, she can cheat on you for an entire year. First of all, the private FB chats they've been having shouldn't have even started in the 1st place. You are trying to sweep this under the rug, and that's sad, because that is what sets it up to happen again and again. Maybe not a few months from now, but do you have the energy to look at her FB account everyday for the rest of your lives together? What she did was selfish, and the fact that she's dismissing your feelings only cements that she doesn't think what she did was bad.

She had an emotional affair for a year, and sexted him for six months! I know you want to tell me it's all going to be peachy keen in a few weeks, but she needs to dig deeper on her repentance to you. I mean, your sex life was through the roof, but I bet she was picturing the other guy the whole time.

Don't roll over so easy on this. You should be able to talk about it as much as you need.

You have every single right to your feelings. The way she's making you feel guilty and that you shouldn't feel the way you do, talk about her lacking what-so-ever accountability. So everytime she's on a medication, she can cheat on you for an entire year. First of all, the private FB chats they've been having shouldn't have even started in the 1st place. You are trying to sweep this under the rug, and that's sad, because that is what sets it up to happen again and again. Maybe not a few months from now, but do you have the energy to look at her FB account everyday for the rest of your lives together? What she did was selfish, and the fact that she's dismissing your feelings only cements that she doesn't think what she did was bad.

 

She had an emotional affair for a year, and sexted him for six months! I know you want to tell me it's all going to be peachy keen in a few weeks, but she needs to dig deeper on her repentance to you. I mean, your sex life was through the roof, but I bet she was picturing the other guy the whole time.

 

Don't roll over so easy on this. You should be able to talk about it as much as you need.

Hi tattobunnie, thank you for your responses and I appreciate your points of view.

I think the same as you where I believe I deserve the right to discuss this whenever. Its been 3 months now since I outed her and for most part of that we have discussed this a lot...a real lot, I mean we stretched it, we twisted it, tried to come to an understanding on the whole horrible thing. I know she is ashamed, embarrassed, done wrong, she admits all this in our discussions but it came to a point where she was exhausted talking about it constantly. Hence her comment that you highlighted. So I am at the point of not trying to over play my card here so when it does come up it, and it does on occasion randomly, even by her sometimes, it can be discussed more rationally without her getting the s. This works for me, I get more value from it.

With the rolling over, it may seem like that on the surface but things have changed subtly. We maintain a very good loving relationship but my wife fully understands that the full unequivocal trust that I always had in her is now tainted. I know this would hurt her as this trust was a bedrock of our relationship.

It's the little things. For example my wife is very social at work and was always part of the their office social events and Friday night drinks was a massive part of it. Done it for years. She loved it. As part of the healing I told her I did not want her to go on anymore Friday night office drinks or any other office social functions. She has accepted this and has not gone to any in the last 3 months. Where in the past I would let her go where-ever she wanted, that doesn't happen anymore, she doesn't even ask, just accepted it. On the outside this might not seem much, but for us this is a massive change in how we live our lives.

Yes, it's sad you've become her parole officer. Cheating erodes trust and policing erodes respect. So now there are more problems. Marriage therapy may help you both come up with better ways of reconnecting and rebuilding than replacing one problem with another.

Of course anyone can cheat with anyone anywhere anytime, it doesn't have to happen with coworkers or happy hour. However "punishing her" seems to make you feel better, even though it's not going to help your marriage in the long run.

As part of the healing I told her I did not want her to go on anymore Friday night office drinks or any other office social functions. She has accepted this and has not gone to any in the last 3 months.

I agree with Wiseman, you need professional counseling to get past this.

Instead of the both of you talking this to death you need to find and set up an appointment with a marriage counselor. I would go as far as telling her she needs to do the leg work and find a marriage counselor she feels comfortable with and that you are eager to sit down with someone and try and to start repairing some of the damage that has been done.

She gave excuses for her behavior and like most shocked and stunned spouses you wanted to believe her because you love her. You are in no position to fix this yourself and you need to realize it right now. If you don't seek help you will continue to question her and set all kinds of rules to replace the missing trust and she will eventually resent you for it and she will file for divorce because you are controlling. It will not matter why you are acting that way, it will only matter to her that you are controlling.

You have an excellent opportunity to repair your marriage and make it even better than before but you need help doing so. She needs to answer some tuff questions and you need to hear the brutal truth about how she views you and the marriage.

Read the bottle the steroids came in, one of the side affects is not cheating...

Lost