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Thread: Divorce and Green Card Mess

  1. #1

    Divorce and Green Card Mess

    We've been married for 2.5 years, and have been in a relationship for about 5 (2 of them were through long distance).

    As in terms of the relationship, my wife feels disconnected from me. Because of the way I am, I cannot open up to people fully, not even my wife. And she's feel neglected and hurt because of this. And because of this, she asked for a divorce recently. She said she was young back then and clouded by depression, but now she's a bit older, more confident, and her depression is managed, she sees it clearly now that we don't have the chemistry.

    So throughout the years, my wife has been bringing this issue of being neglected, lonely, and rejected because of my emotional disconnectness or inability to open up as fully. have issues because of it.

    In addition, in the last 2 years, we've moved from across the country, we both attended two different schools, moved twice, and tackled a lot of immigration paper work for the green card process. My wife is from UK and moved here as an international student 3 years ago to be with me. So at 19, she moved to the USA, a year later, we married, and then moved to texas. In other words, we've piled on a lot in a short amount of time, and that has caused us both a great amount of stress.

    My wife is also a bit younger (her: 24, me: 40) I feel like her negative views are somewhat attributed to her meds - she's currently tapering off an antidepressant starting on another. Since the start of the meds, overall she's doing better, but I somehow feel it may have to do with our situation. In a way that her emotions are numbed, from the meds and from years of neglect. She's recently became close friends with a group at school.

    She said that she sees what can be with other ppl, and at this point, she wants a fresh start and explore that. She's revealed to me that she found someone she feels she has great chemistry with, but it's been really recent, and they've cut contact and said it's better to wait till this divorce is cleared. (I suspect is someone she met online that's in a different country, and it lasted maybe 3 days or so)

    I said to her it's natural to have these feelings for someone else. Sometimes when a relationship goes back, we seek out others who has what the relationship lacks. Even if it's 1%, that 1% is so important, that you are willing to leave your original spouse who has 99%, but it's a disillusion. You will find that this person will be imperfect, not the way you envisioned them to be.

    Right now we are still living together due to financial reasons. We simply cannot afford to move out on our own, nor do we have family near by to house us. When I brought up the notion of trying again, she was very much against it stating it's been so many years already. Her outlook is very grim and she goes silent about it as she has made up her mind.

    Her emotions (as are mind) are unsteady, and some days she gives me hope, other days it seems hopeless. It's difficult to be with her like this, but I still want to try and be with her and repair things if possible.

    Our plan is simply to go to counseling once a week for now. We've been to another counselor before and it was not useful at all, so she's not very hopeful. She may be doing it for me so I can process my emotions with the whole situation (her words).

    Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

  2. #2
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    So is there any questions?

    My observation is that you should divorce her and let her move back to the UK where she can live her own life and move on.

    If she's trying to stay in the United States, she should have filed for a Status Change with Immigration when you were married to get a conditional spousal green card. Have either of you done this? With your age difference, you would face extra scrutiny. If you didn't do that, it may be too late.

    It's too bad you didn't give her more support in your marriage. A depressed person needs a lot of love and understanding and your emotional disconnectedness probably made things worse. Do you have a disorder too?

    If you have a question, feel free to ask it.

  3. #3
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    You two are seriously incompatible, imo. She's still so young and it looks like she's finally woken up and sees that the marriage is never going to work for her (understandably). It can't be easy making, and keeping, a connection to someone who is emotionally disconnected. I don't think this relationship is going to work even with marriage counselling.
    I would cut my losses so that both of you are free to find more compatible partners and a happier future.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately it seems as though now that she has a green card, she's found a younger man.
    Originally Posted by readeronline
    We've been married for 2.5 years

    she asked for a divorce recently. .tackled a lot of immigration paper work for the green card process. My wife is from UK and moved here as an international student 3 years ago to be with me. So at 19, she moved to the USA, a year later, we married, and then moved to texas.

    She's revealed to me that she found someone she feels she has great chemistry with. Right now we are still living together due to financial reasons.

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  6. #5
    I guess I wasn't exactly clear about the Green Card. She has her 2 year (unconditional green card already), and we are in the process of renewing it to the permanent 10 year one. Up till this point, the marriage has been a bonafide one. It's just maybe the last 6 months or so that things has been on the rocks and only recently has it finally reached tipping point. We are going into counseling today. I would like to work on my issues of opening up emotionally. I know a lot of the fault is with me. That will be my main focus.

  7. #6
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    If she repeatedly told you over the years that she feels neglected because you don't open up, there was a time if you went to therapy, the marriage could have been saved.
    But now both her feet are firmly out the door. However, due to your large age gap - i think this relationship had an expiration date from the word go. If she moved at 19 to be with you - you were dating a teenager. She in no way would have anything meaningfully in common with you. She has grown from a teenager to a woman and you are not her cup of tea now that she's a grownup.

    If she has asked for a divorce, I would grant her one. Let her go. Learn how to open up in personal counseling, anyhow for YOU.

  8. #7
    I would if I could. I also feel it's best to let one go and have their freedom. But because of the green card process, if we divorce now, that all ends, and she has to answer to immigration. The odds would be against her favor. In other words, the burden of proof would be on her. I don't want this, nor does she. I know what you guys are thinking. That's something that needs to be done or it may not be my problem anymore. Yes, that is true, but I have to live with it for the rest of my life. I cannot. We are stuck for 12-18 months for now. She has cut contact with the fellow, and has promise me she would not put me in jeopardy of fraud and jail sentences. Right now, our marriage is in turmoil, decay, maybe even at it's end, but it's still a marriage. So as of right now, I am unable to with good conscience force her to give up her green card, and live guilt free for the rest of my life. She married me for me. She also wants to leave because of me. Here life is here now, I want her to have that, whether with or without me.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    She wants a divorce and is already having an affair. Unfortunately she will probably only hang on until the paperwork is done. It sounds like a green card sham if you are afraid of legal consequences. All you can do is remain married on paper until the immigration/green card thing is complete so you don't have legal problems from a sham marriage.
    Originally Posted by readeronline
    because of the green card process, if we divorce now, that all ends, and she has to answer to immigration. We are stuck for 12-18 months for now. has promise me she would not put me in jeopardy of fraud and jail sentences.


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