Video games...

Ok, so let me start off by saying that I also play video games and have days here and there where I play for a few hours a day.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 3 years. He’s always been an avid gamer, and it never really bothered me much until the past few months. He works a ton-6 days a week, long hours, and I go over his house most wednesday nights and sleep over, as well as the weekend. We are both saving to buy our own place in a more convenient location. I live an hour away.

So, some nights when I’m there he will come home and we will see each other for maybe an hour and he’s exhausted, so he will go to sleep. Some days he will come home or have Sunday off and want to play like all day and night. The few nights he is by himself he will play all night and stay up late.

We haven’t really had any time as a couple lately, and I’ve said it a few times. Today before he left for work he made a joke about letting him play later so he could have a better score.... and I just felt so empty inside and said softly, “That’s really what you wanna do when you come home?” He’s like, “Ok. I won’t play,” and got kinda distant.

Like I wait around all day for him to come home when I’m here. I get my work stuff ready for the week, relax, do his laundry, get him things he needs for the week, clean his room... sometimes I’ll meet with my friends or play video games. I get that he doesn’t have the time off that I have, but weeks where I am super busy with work I always make sure I have time for us. I usually always bring him lunch on saturdays— lately he says no because he’s too busy.

I just feel so pushed away and I’ve told him I’m not going to keep trying to make time to spend together. And after he said that this morning, I feel like crap. For the first two years together I never said a peep about this and just sat there and watched some tv- I’ve told him that things have changed and I don’t always wanna watch the back of his head and would rather do things together sometimes. Sometimes when we do hang out I can tell he just wants to play and I get frustrated and tell him go play cuz I don’t want to hang out with someone who’s head is elsewhere.

I love him. This isn’t like how things normally are, but lately it’s all that it is. I know he doesn’t have time to relax much and he says he likes to play and hang out with me at the same time. I told him it doesn’t work like that. He will rub my feet while he plays... it’s sweet. I just want more time for us to do things like watch a movie, lay in bed, or go out. I don’t want to feel like I have to compete with a video game and some random people online that he is friends with— which I feel like he wants to talk to some random person more than me.

Idk. Any advice? I kinda wanna just go home tonight cuz I’m aggravated that he said that and wants to play rather than do something with me, but I also don’t wanna cause a fight.

Sorry to hear this. Whenever a parent-child dynamic like this takes over there is frustration, loss of respect and a decline in romance. You need to stop going there weekdays and playing mom. Immediately stop going there when he is not there. And never start cleaning his house and doing his laundry.

You need to develop more interests outside of this relationship and taking courses, classes, joining groups, clubs, volunteering etc. He can't miss you (or respect you) when you go there playing mom and waiting for him to get home as if rehearsing for some wife role. It's understandable he's "pushing you away" because of this mothering and smothering.

I go over his house most wednesday nights and sleep over, as well as the weekend. I wait around all day for him to come home when I’m here. I get my work stuff ready for the week, relax, do his laundry, get him things he needs for the week, clean his room.

Hi. Thanks for the reply. I do have interests outside of this and have been more active in them lately. I’ve been making more time with friends— no more courses lol I have my master’s. It’s definitely depressing to hear what you said, but I understand it. Wonder what will happen now.

Sorry to hear this. Whenever a parent-child dynamic like this takes over there is frustration, loss of respect and a decline in romance. You need to stop going there weekdays and playing mom. Immediately stop going there when he is not there. And never start cleaning his house and doing his laundry.

 

You need to develop more interests outside of this relationship and taking courses, classes, joining groups, clubs, volunteering etc. He can't miss you (or respect you) when you go there playing mom and waiting for him to get home as if rehearsing for some wife role. It's understandable he's "pushing you away" because of this mothering and smothering.

I think he works too many hours and needs his own personal down time as much as couple time.

Unfortunately the only thing you can control or change in this scenario is your actions. You tell him "it doesn't work that way", but then you make it work that way, by hanging out there too much. Pull way back on hanging out and then being resentful. Plan specific dates and things to do on weekends. He's taking you for granted and has become complacent and lazy because you agree to it by going there and doing nothing.

he says he likes to play and hang out with me at the same time. I told him it doesn’t work like that.

I've got to echo the two responders above. Granted I'm not every guy, but if I were working long hours and couldn't so much as have a lunch hour to myself without having to ask my partner to back off, I'd be pretty miserable and grasping for every minute to decompress I could. It always concerns me when someone volunteers themselves into a position to resent the other partner, doing their laundry, bringing them lunch, cleaning their room (????), when in reality, you're most likely the martyred mother no one asked for.

I live with my wife and she's not even this much of a presence in my every day professional and home life. Stop waiting around for him to come home. Take the hint if he's got a particularly long and stressful workweek and needs to game a bit to bring himself back down. By no means be catty about it, but it's fine to give him a kiss and excuse yourself back to your place if you know he's gonna need to decompress in a way that's not all that interactive or entertaining for you.

What I will say is that his situation doesn't sound incredibly sustainable. Back in my warehouse days, I worked many 65+ hour weeks wherein, sorry to my lady, I was definitely going to be winding down the way I needed to wind down before my next 14 hour shift throwing heavy **** around. It was great for making some quick money to save up as a seasonal gig. And you claim the "problem" only became a notable one recently, so perhaps it is a seasonal / temporary thing. But if this is a dynamic that's going to be pretty much constant, you may want to ask yourself if this is the right guy and the right relationship for you. If he's the type who "lives to work" so to speak, that should be taken as a serious consideration. But that doesn't mean getting quippy with him about video games before he goes to work a long shift in the morning. It means looking at him for who he is and you as you are, and making a grown up decision from there.

And you claim the "problem" only became a notable one recently, so perhaps it is a seasonal / temporary thing. But if this is a dynamic that's going to be pretty much constant, you may want to ask yourself if this is the right guy and the right relationship for you.

Absolutely this is the answer you need.

The facts: he works six days a week and long hour shifts. He DOES spend time with you when he gets home from work. He only spends one day a week playing video games.

That is not a video game addiction. That’s him needing his downtime from a long week. As a cohabiting couple, you both need to manage your personal and couple time. Make plans ahead in a week advance so he can be prepared. That’s a skill you will need for marriage.

Also if he has to work that many hours to save for a house, are you even sure that’s the right time to purchase one together?

Woah. Back off. I bring him lunch on saturdays only... and I’m there to sleep over 3-4 nights a week. He is the one who initiated this and asks me if I’m coming over so he can make sure I have a parkin g spot and bring my things up. I never said his gaming was a problem, so calm down. I understand he needs a balance between doing things he wants and being in a relationship... I said this is mainly recently. I feel like you are being overly judgmental and berating. Sorry but if I’m in a room that needs to be swept and picked up, I’m going to do it rather than just sit in it. I know when he needs to decompress, so sometimes I encourage him to play or I’ll go out, but I do want time for us and I feel like it’s not happening and I’m not repeating myself.

I've got to echo the two responders above. Granted I'm not every guy, but if I were working long hours and couldn't so much as have a lunch hour to myself without having to ask my partner to back off, I'd be pretty miserable and grasping for every minute to decompress I could. It always concerns me when someone volunteers themselves into a position to resent the other partner, doing their laundry, bringing them lunch, cleaning their room (????), when in reality, you're most likely the martyred mother no one asked for.

 

I live with my wife and she's not even this much of a presence in my every day professional and home life. Stop waiting around for him to come home. Take the hint if he's got a particularly long and stressful workweek and needs to game a bit to bring himself back down. By no means be catty about it, but it's fine to give him a kiss and excuse yourself back to your place if you know he's gonna need to decompress in a way that's not all that interactive or entertaining for you.

 

What I will say is that his situation doesn't sound incredibly sustainable. Back in my warehouse days, I worked many 65+ hour weeks wherein, sorry to my lady, I was definitely going to be winding down the way I needed to wind down before my next 14 hour shift throwing heavy **** around. It was great for making some quick money to save up as a seasonal gig. And you claim the "problem" only became a notable one recently, so perhaps it is a seasonal / temporary thing. But if this is a dynamic that's going to be pretty much constant, you may want to ask yourself if this is the right guy and the right relationship for you. If he's the type who "lives to work" so to speak, that should be taken as a serious consideration. But that doesn't mean getting quippy with him about video games before he goes to work a long shift in the morning. It means looking at him for who he is and you as you are, and making a grown up decision from there.

And I wasn’t being catty about it; I said it softly as if I was hurt. I get quiet when I’m hurt or upset.

Those are not facts. Please read what I wrote. We don’t see each other every day. He has plenty of nights where he stays up late and plays when I’m not there and he will when I am there too one or two of the three or four days i am there. He spends an hour or maybe 2 hours with me and then falls asleep because he is tired.

Absolutely this is the answer you need.

 

The facts: he works six days a week and long hour shifts. He DOES spend time with you when he gets home from work. He only spends one day a week playing video games.

 

That is not a video game addiction. That’s him needing his downtime from a long week. As a cohabiting couple, you both need to manage your personal and couple time. Make plans ahead in a week advance so he can be prepared. That’s a skill you will need for marriage.

 

Also if he has to work that many hours to save for a house, are you even sure that’s the right time to purchase one together?

I feel for you, OP. I also understand where the others are coming from, in the posts you took issue with.

Between the lines here what I can't help but see is a relationship that you've maybe outgrown while he's still content the way things are. That's not your fault, not his, but perhaps the real rub here. I mean, at the end of the day dude is an avid gamer working intense hours. I'm sure he likes being in a relationship; he also likes his high score. To him, those things are compatible; to you, maybe not so much.

Look, if my partner let's me know that she feels we haven't had quality time, I'm going to put the controller down and listen. If I'm exhausted, burnt on work, needing to keep my score high to keep my equilibrium in check—well, I'm going to find a way to let her know that while also letting her know she's heard, and try to have a conversation about keeping the balance so everyone is content. That's because, generally speaking, I'm someone for whom keeping things sparkly and sexy is quite important; it's sort of why I get into relationships.

The fact that he made the little comment about you "letting" him play—well, sadly, that speaks to him feeling a bit mothered, a bit smothered, and it's hard to reach for the roses-and-dinner and/or movie-and-laying-about button when you're in that posture. Again, that's not really on you, but it's where things are.

I'm curious: Do you ever try to make specific plans, like a nice dinner, and get rebuffed? It sounds a bit like you're waiting for him to do something like that, based on hints and pokes, rather than being direct about your needs. If you're direct, you can see if he can meet them, without going into resentment mode. And, if he can't—well, then you know.

What's the situation where you live? I'm just wondering why you always go to his place?

It's somewhat ironic that he's working all these hours to save up to buy a house together and you are upset he isn't giving much time to you. I'm confused on that - what is the significance for the two of you moving in together and buying a house? Is it for convenience or is it a step up in the relationship, a further commitment and/or plans to get married?

I ask because if you do buy a house together, truly sharing bills and space and chores together, these things will only be more in your face. What irritates you now and him now, like you not liking how he comes home and plays games, will drive you bonkers if you don't find a way to resolve it now that you'll both be happy with.

I agree that being less accessible and doing things at his place less - not only chores but just being there- and taking this out to real dates would be a step in the direction to working out if this can be figured out.

The “letting” part - I don’t let him play or not play. If there’s a time where I feel like we need couple time, I say that. If he wants to play, he can, he just might be pushing me away, but I’d never say you’re not playing.like I said, I also play games, but I have weekends and holidays off- he doesn’t. And I mainly “wait” at his house because he says all the time that he doesn’t want me driving back and forth because it’s a crazy amount of driving, time, and money.

Idk. It’s not like I don’t want him to have time to himself- sure I do.he does have fine to himself, just maybe not as much as he wants, but I feel like he’s rathee be playing games than doing something with me. I’ve told him I want to do things like go see a movie, or dinner, but like I said he works long hours and we don’t always have the same days off, so I understand— this is the last few weeks. Before that we did things more often.

I feel for you, OP. I also understand where the others are coming from, in the posts you took issue with.

 

Between the lines here what I can't help but see is a relationship that you've maybe outgrown while he's still content the way things are. That's not your fault, not his, but perhaps the real rub here. I mean, at the end of the day dude is an avid gamer working intense hours. I'm sure he likes being in a relationship; he also likes his high score. To him, those things are compatible; to you, maybe not so much.

 

Look, if my partner let's me know that she feels we haven't had quality time, I'm going to put the controller down and listen. If I'm exhausted, burnt on work, needing to keep my score high to keep my equilibrium in check—well, I'm going to find a way to let her know that while also letting her know she's heard, and try to have a conversation about keeping the balance so everyone is content. That's because, generally speaking, I'm someone for whom keeping things sparkly and sexy is quite important; it's sort of why I get into relationships.

 

The fact that he made the little comment about you "letting" him play—well, sadly, that speaks to him feeling a bit mothered, a bit smothered, and it's hard to reach for the roses-and-dinner and/or movie-and-laying-about button when you're in that posture. Again, that's not really on you, but it's where things are.

 

I'm curious: Do you ever try to make specific plans, like a nice dinner, and get rebuffed? It sounds a bit like you're waiting for him to do something like that, based on hints and pokes, rather than being direct about your needs. If you're direct, you can see if he can meet them, without going into resentment mode. And, if he can't—well, then you know.

I would not move forward with this, as he has already shown you what your living arrangement will be:lonely. You will take a back seat to his gaming etc....

Find another guy. I would never have accepted this, and certainly not for THREE years!

Is the career he's in now going to be what he does for a lifetime? Does he love it, or is this the best paying job he can get in the area, and he only tolerates it and has very few options? I would just say that what you see is what you get, and expect whatever's going on now will continue for a lifetime, and you're not happy with it. You say the gaming didn't used to bother you as much, and now it does, so it's likely you are evolving and tired of the lack of spark and quality time together, versus him changing.

I will tell you that I somewhat know how you feel. I was once in a 1 year relationship with a guy who worked 10 hour days M-F and 8 hours on Saturday. He too would fall asleep at 8:30 p.m. and on Sunday would sleep until 2 and then claim to always wake with a headache on that day. I was divorced with a recent empty nest and wanted a lifetime companion to enjoy my leisure time with, which rarely happened with him as a bf. His hobby was playing poker at the casino, although he didn't do it more than once a month. I saw over time that I was the least of his priorities in life, but was always hoping for improvements. Apparently I had low self esteem because I didn't pull the plug. He did, but after that I realized he'd done me a favor because it allowed me to be single to meet my future husband 8 months later who has a high work ethic but works normal work hours and I now have the companion who meets all of my major needs.

In your case, let me ask you some questions. If your car broke down, would he come to assist you or make you wait 3 hours for AAA to arrive. When you've been sick, does he pick up medicine for you at the store? Does he try to make you comfortable by making you soup, etc? Does he make you feel special on your birthday. What efforts does he make for the relationship? If you married and decided to have children, would you be doing most of the child-rearing with his schedule?

Only you can decide if he's worth sticking around for. I'd say the best way to change someone else's behavior is to change your own. I'd change up the pattern of your regular pattern of going to see him. How about every other weekend for a while, make plans with family or girlfriends instead. If he asks why, tell him you're going stir crazy lately and need to get out into the open air to do xyz. Same thing for Wednesdays. Don't go every week.

If he asks if you're coming over on the next weekend, ask, "I don't know. What would we be doing?" If you go on the weekend and it's Sunday, you could say: I saw that there's a nice park by here. I'm going to take a hike. Would you like to go?" If he balks, tell him you're going to go by yourself. And then pack your stuff and head home. If he goes but can't seem to enjoy himself, why be with a companion who you can't enjoy leisure time with?

He can play video games every week night after work when you're not there. I don't agree that he should be playing when you two are together, or at the very least, he set a time limit, because there is not a healthy balance in his life according to his time with you.

And even though he works long hours, he should occasionally make an effort to go your way on Sundays. You could say: I'm staying home this weekend, but you're welcome to come over Saturday night after work and spend the night.

Shake things up and see what happens. He might stop taking you for granted, and step up to the plate. If he doesn't, maybe he's too cowardly to break up and will let you fade away. You have some important decisions to make. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

We haven’t really had any time as a couple lately, and I’ve said it a few times. Today before he left for work he made a joke about letting him play later so he could have a better score.... and I just felt so empty inside and said softly, “That’s really what you wanna do when you come home?” He’s like, “Ok. I won’t play,” and got kinda distant.

 

Like I wait around all day for him to come home when I’m here. I get my work stuff ready for the week, relax, do his laundry, get him things he needs for the week, clean his room... sometimes I’ll meet with my friends or play video games. I get that he doesn’t have the time off that I have, but weeks where I am super busy with work I always make sure I have time for us. I usually always bring him lunch on saturdays— lately he says no because he’s too busy.

 

I just feel so pushed away and I’ve told him I’m not going to keep trying to make time to spend together. And after he said that this morning, I feel like crap.

I think it sucks to sit around looking at the back of your boyfriend's head. That's not what you signed up for, is it? And it's not really fair that he turns it around and makes it seem like you are just being petty and controlling him, when he could instead compromise or even communicate about perhaps a deeper issue.

So, you are stuck with a stupid power struggle instead of a conversation.

If I were in your shoes, I would start to distance myself from this relationship. Instead of planning to go to his apartment on those days, make other plans that you will enjoy. Do it until the ties are broken.

Don't agree to go to his apartment unless he agrees that this time will be for the two of you, not your relationship. If he has a problem with that, then there is a problem with this relationship.

Sometimes people grow apart. Sometimes people outgrow each other. Sometimes people take each other for granted. It's not always fixable.

For this to survive, you have to communicate. You are not mind-readers. You must be able to discuss things. You have said your part. He must now say his, if he has one. And his part can't be "FixYou is a pain in the ass," because that's not fair. If that were the case, he's been checked out of this relationship and simply been using you.

Why hasn't he been coming to your place? This is ridiculously one-sided.

You have really set a poor dynamic with all of this! You chose someone who is not willing to put in the effort.

Well, I did eight years of massive overtime, quite often working 20 to 30, to as much as 40 straight days of work and 60-80 hour weeks, and I just stopped dating. I was working a low-paying, per hour job and the only way to save for a computer, and then a car and then a house was to take as much work as possible. I just couldn't have a social life. Luckily, I found someone at work, or rather she found me, so things worked out, but in your boyfriend's situation I think the only way to work it out is to schedule Sundays as date day. You both promise on that day to spend the entire day together. Maybe you sleep over Saturday night into Monday morning, but you both put aside everything else and just spend it together. And then for the rest of the week you do your own things.

I remember when I was working those monster hours, I would come home and needed to play video games to decompress and not have to talk to anyone. It was a zombie existence, but I did save enough for a down-payment on a house (even though Uncle Sam was taking more money out of my paycheck than I could save a year).

So that's my advice. Spend one great day a week together. I don't think either of you can manage anything more than that until your boyfriend can find a higher paying job with less hours. And keep in mind that you can help him look for a job.

I would draw a line in the sand and tell him that you understand he needs down time but that you're also not a prop or a piece of furniture.

I would tell him that he can play video games all he wants, but you won't be there watching him. Instead, you'll find other people to spend your time with and if he wants couple time he knows where to find you. Period.

OP, just wondering, how many days a week do you yourself work? I know you probably won't like this comment, but to me it sounds like maybe you have a bit too much free time on your hands and/or you're making your life ONLY about your relationship. I understand that you're just trying to be nice by cleaning your boyfriend's house while you wait for him and every Saturday bringing him lunch, but you don't have to do that all the time. I'm not sure if maybe you feel double as upset when your boyfriend comes home from work and plays video games because you'd made your day all about him (cleaning, making his lunch, etc.), but he doesn't make his day all about YOU. I think in a relationship you don't always have to make your life all about your partner. I agree with you that having a healthy balance of "me" time and "relationship" time is good but your partner should also be able to have some down time and pursue their own hobbies and interests. I guess your boyfriend just really likes gaming and it's his way to relax after a hard day at work.

I understand that it may feel a bit rude that he's gaming at his place but maybe after three years together, your boyfriend thinks that he can just do his own thing sometimes. This is what does happen if you live together or are actually married, you spend time alongside each other but not necessarily always doing the same thing.

My fiance is really into gaming too and I'm actually not into it. But sometimes he'll be playing video games and I'll just be near him but doing my own thing like reading or surfing the Internet. I agree with another poster that playing video games once or twice a week after a work day is not a gaming addiction or an issue. I think some of the issue may be that you need to also find some other way to occupy yourself and be more self-sufficient. While you are waiting for your boyfriend, you don't have to do hos chores. You can do things you like too like go out shopping, see a movie, see an art gallery, read books. I'm not sure what kind of stuff you like to do but I agree that you probably need to start developing your own interests too. I can see why you are resentful because you wait for your boyfriend all day doing his chores but you DON'T have to do that.

Also I just have to add that if you had a bit of a problem with your boyfriend's gaming for two years, then maybe you should have said something. I mean, if you never said anything then your boyfriend obviously thought you have no issue with it? So after all this time you can't really blame him for thinking you are fine with it.

I also think that you can't really change people and force them to be different e.g. give up gaming. You can try to reach a compromise and ask him to play video games less but end of the day it's something he really likes. If you can't accept it then I think you should break up with your boyfriend.

It would be best to take actions. Talk without actions is weak and pointless. Stop the mommying including cleaning up his house, doing his laundry, showing up to do these mommy/maid things when he's not there.

This type of thing indicates that you have no respect for your own time, energy or feelings and therefore why should he? You taught him to treat you like the help he can just ignore by acting as such instead of a gf who respects herself, her time and her energy.

For example on weeknights, do not go there to play mommy. If his place is a mess, just step over the mess. Take classes or courses that enrich you, language, yoga, whatever or do something that you enjoy and that rebuilds your self esteem..

Make specific plans on the weekends. Do not clean his house, act like a servant, etc. Do not hang out and condone ignoring you by accepting bs like "he rubs my feet while he plays, it's so sweet". If you are there on a weekend and he starts playing video games, pull yourself together and simply say, "ok I've got some stuff I need to do, I'll catch up with you later" and leave.

Rendering lectures is silly and ineffective. Take action and change the habits that condone his crappy treatment. Make yourself a bit more scarce so he can appreciate time with you as well as get some alone time.

tell him that you understand he needs down time but that you're also not a prop or a piece of furniture.

I would tell him that he can play video games all he wants, but you won't be there watching him.

I can appreciate that you (or anyone!) would prefer a great solution that would have BF automatically change his perceptions and behavior without making any changes of your own--but how realistic is that?

When nothing changes, then nothing changes. The only control we each have is over our own behavior. Since you don't like the way that BF is responding to yours, why not consider backing off, moving your focus onto expanding your own life in your own location, and see where the chips fall if you give BF the room to miss you enough to value your time and step up to date you?

I'd tell BF that I'm not being punitive, but I need to step back and invest in cultivating my own interests and social life on my own. If he finds himself able to take a bit of time off to invest in seeing me, we can meet then, or he can come to stay at my place for a nice meal and a change of scenery. Meanwhile, we can both enjoy a break in the pattern that's been wearing us both down, and he can let me know the best times to see one another and enjoy some life outside of his home.

Head high.