How do I simply let her and the anxiety go away?

Hi. I’m a 22-year-old student. I need your objective advice on a situation that just starts driving me crazy.

In 2013, I fell for a girl (call her Amy). We are both Muslim and our families are close, so we both decided to keep this a secret. We agreed we couldn’t kiss, hug or hold hands, as it is forbidden. We just talked and enjoyed spending time together. We told each other that, when the time would be right, we’d come out and tell everyone we want to get married.

In 2014, she asked my sister, who used to be her BFF, to break up with me for her and to tell me she wanted to remain friends instead. When my sis told me, she kind of mocked me and I didn’t believe her (I didn’t have any doubts whatsoever, mostly because I never thought she would go through a third party to convey a decision like this).

Afterward, Amy continued talking to me as if nothing happened (we would talk on a daily basis, like very close friends). I kept believing she was my gf and one day, in 2017, as I was being nostalgic about old times, she asked me 5-6 times what my sister told me about her, but nothing came to my mind. Amy then told me she didn’t have the same feelings anymore but that she wanted to remain, friends, to which I said yes even if I was devastated.

I would throw up and have panic attacks when thinking about her, so, after a couple of months, I stopped talking to her. A year later, I apologized for ignoring her messages, to which she said that she was hurt but hopes to be friends as our families are close. I said I couldn’t.

My sister came to me about a month ago and told me (again) that Amy was not interested in me anymore and that she was flirting with other guys back in 2014. I snapped out, asked Amy for explanations (I realize now that my questions sounded more like accusations). She denied everything, telling me that she does not appreciate having to justify herself for something I was told by others. I felt extremely bad and apologized, but she didn’t reply. Last week, my sis showed me conversations between her and Amy, confirming everything I was told. I don't think she voluntarily led me on, nor do I believe that what she's done can be considered as cheating, but I still do think that was totally unfair for me (to say the least).

Now, if I try to see things from her side. She was under the impression that the breakup would go smoothly and we’d be able to part ways without any hard feelings. But my text might have thrown her off and she might think I messed up everything, hence being more mature than me. Since she knows it isn’t her fault she fell out of love, she put all the blame on me.

I am so messed up right now (It’s been almost a year and a half that I’ve been having panic attacks or throwing up whenever I thought about her) that I am unable to see things with a cool mind. I’ve been doing my best to move on, but it’s extremely hard to let go of my feelings. At the same time, I feel played, fooled and stupid. Yet, I continuously blame myself for ignoring her for a year, for not being able to be her friend and for asking her whether she cheated on me or not and if she lead me on (which I realize I didn’t do in the softest of manners, and I regret it). Since both of our families are close, we’ll see each other at family gatherings. I have the feeling that if she wanted to remain friends, it was to avoid the awkwardness when we meet again. And… yeah I am the one who screwed that up.

Assalaamualaikum brother,

I’m going through pretty much the same thing right now. Loved her and was totally dedicated, but for her it turned out differently and now it’s over. Now here’s the problem...

We put a woman in a place in our hearts where only Allah should be. It’s shirk bro, and we are both feeling the effects of worshipping something other than our Creator.

They don’t want to marry us. They’re not gonna change their minds. Let her go. And you most certainly should not be friends with her, as it’s not right to have a relationship with a woman who is not your wife.

But you gotta work on yourself man because there’s no reason a woman should leave you in a state like this for so long. Practice your deen. Build your love and trust in Allah. Know that He will provide you with someone better. But at this point, do you think you’d be a desirable husband? Nobody wants a partner who gets excessively attached. It only leads to possessiveness, insecurity, anxiety, and an incredible amount of pressure for your partner.

Forget about marriage for a time, because you’re not ready. Get your mind right bro and focus everything you got on your Lord. Gotta free your heart from the dunya.

Hope this helps...

A year and a half is a long time to struggle with getting over someone. I would recommend getting some counseling to help guide you through it, because you truly seem stuck. I just want to point out that somewhere out there is your future wife, the love of your life, living her own life, going about her day to day activities, waiting for you to appear in her life. As long as you stay so focused on this ex-girlfriend that is NOT your future, you are not open to meeting your future wife. You may run right into your future wife and not even recognize her because your thoughts are so focused on this ex. You can not reach out to your future if you are holding on to your past with both hands.

Since both of our families are close, we’ll see each other at family gatherings. I have the feeling that if she wanted to remain friends, it was to avoid the awkwardness when we meet again.

I think you're right, but that is why the standard advice here is that when you break up, go No Contact, because it keeps the dumpee (you) from moving on. I don't know why she could not have told you outright that she had no romantic intent in you anymore, and you could have just asked her what your sister meant by what she said, but this is all in the past.

My advice is that you do not have to be her friend. When you see her at a family gathering, you say, hello, and then go talk to someone else.

Since you're at school, see if there are other girls you can talk to who may be interested in you. Are there single girls in other families that you're friends with? You're still young and there's plenty of time to get married.