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Thread: After 3 years and a month, she still keeps trying

  1. #21
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    Just to clarify, I wasn't suggesting he engage with her to "prove" anything. To her, to himself, to anyone.

    My only point was to say when one reaches indifference, responding back telling her (not asking, directly telling her) to stop contact and wish her well becomes a non-issue.

    There is no fear of her "pulling him back in" or being at all affected by the communique.

    Breaking no contact can actually even be quite healing, it was for me with my long term ex, who became a bit abusive towards the end due to drug addiction.

    It actually gave me a sense of peace and enabled me to move on for good, versus remaining stuck which is where OP is now, imo.

  2. 11-25-2018, 08:36 PM

  3. #22
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    No but itís also no the healthy to act like his reaction is within a normal range after these many years.

    I get that seymore is a regular poster and Is liked by many but come on, this isnít healthy.

    How long until someone has the balls to tell him this is far too long to still be so wound up about all this. These excuses about the email address the refusal to do anything to stop her even though her affect is still this strong....

    We all heal in our own ways. I would never argue that, youíve endured a lot, Iíve been there, you know it, so I get it.

    But it does seem itís time for you to take extra steps to get over this final Ďhumpí

    To say that your healing has stalled would be an understatement. You still post in the post here instead of contacting your ex, not a judgement, there are times Iíve doing the most mundane things and a past memory will pop into my head and Iíll get angry or upset, but on this post you are acting like itís all her, like Kat said, own your part. How else will you heal?
    I wouldn't answer to my abusive ex either despite we having broken up years ago.

    Sure the OP is wound up and us probably traumatized after the abuse he endured. If he needs therapy or extra help so be it, he's not 100% over it... but I'd never recommend an abuse victim to answer to emails from their abusive ex or try to be civil with them to appease them. He doesn't owe his abuser closure and it's great he's not engaging with her and knows this. Some abusers won't stop trying to reach out even if you "answer politely". He knows what kind of abuser this woman is better than us.

    I think there are ways of blocking her email and he should try finding them out and delete her for good.

  4. #23
    Platinum Member Seymore's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Annia
    I wouldn't answer to my abusive ex either despite we having broken up years ago.

    Sure the OP is wound up and us probably traumatized after the abuse he endured. If he needs therapy or extra help so be it, he's not 100% over it... but I'd never recommend an abuse victim to answer to emails from their abusive ex or try to be civil with them to appease them. He doesn't owe his abuser closure and it's great he's not engaging with her and knows this. Some abusers won't stop trying to reach out even if you "answer politely". He knows what kind of abuser this woman is better than us.

    I think there are ways of blocking her email and he should try finding them out and delete her for good.
    Thanks Annia. I did get a reply today from the website host and all of her emails are blocked now. They've also been blocked in my email account as soon as I would receive one from her.

    You are correct about some people being the type to not stop even after a meeting to declare it's over. I know this because I've had to cut off all mutual friends and some family - the minute I would talk to one of them, I knew they would talk to her because she would ramp up the attempts. So I cut all ties and that's when she really got nuts because there was nobody left to feed her information.

    A Meetup to end things in her mind would be a victory knowing that her persistence in getting a response paid off, and open a whole new can of worms. She has no sense of boundaries.

    I never claimed to be 100% but compared to even one year ago, I am doing much better.

  5. #24
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by RainyCoast
    I didn't see him go ballistic in this post or anything of the kind at all that would prompt me to "muster the balls to tell him he isn't acting normal". And was not commenting on his healing process but the very disturbing idea that one should "prove" to their abusive ex (or to anyone) how over they are by engaging with them, and the idea that anyone owes an abusive ex closure. Both scream perfectly unhealthy to me.

    So my original response was flagged so I will respond more respectfully. You are correct, I also did not see him go balistic on anyone, didnt accuse him of it either but I digress. I actually agree with you an abusive ex is not owed anything. He owes it to himself to take the proper steps to move forward. Thats the message I took away from the comment you are referencing, I cannot speak for her nor do I know the intent of her message but she goes on to explain further what she meant by her comment and I tend to agree. No, he doesnt owe her an explaination or anything of the sort but he owes it to himself to take the proper steps to no longer be exposed to her as she is a trigger.

    Originally Posted by Annia
    I wouldn't answer to my abusive ex either despite we having broken up years ago.

    Sure the OP is wound up and us probably traumatized after the abuse he endured. If he needs therapy or extra help so be it, he's not 100% over it... but I'd never recommend an abuse victim to answer to emails from their abusive ex or try to be civil with them to appease them. He doesn't owe his abuser closure and it's great he's not engaging with her and knows this. Some abusers won't stop trying to reach out even if you "answer politely". He knows what kind of abuser this woman is better than us.

    I think there are ways of blocking her email and he should try finding them out and delete her for good.
    No quite sure why my post was used to reference someone elses post but to respond I agree with you. Theres no use in responding,my quoted post wasnt referencing responding but rather attempting to get over the final 'hump' and continue on his road of healing since he seems quite stuck.


    Originally Posted by Seymore
    Thanks Annia. I did get a reply today from the website host and all of her emails are blocked now. They've also been blocked in my email account as soon as I would receive one from her.

    You are correct about some people being the type to not stop even after a meeting to declare it's over. I know this because I've had to cut off all mutual friends and some family - the minute I would talk to one of them, I knew they would talk to her because she would ramp up the attempts. So I cut all ties and that's when she really got nuts because there was nobody left to feed her information.

    A Meetup to end things in her mind would be a victory knowing that her persistence in getting a response paid off, and open a whole new can of worms. She has no sense of boundaries.

    I never claimed to be 100% but compared to even one year ago, I am doing much better.
    Glad to hear you were able to get her blocked from that email Seymore. Im sure that was a huge relief, one less trigger. as for the second part, thats insane that family and friends are still engaging with her, do they know your history with her? I would have cut them off as well. You cant reach a happy and healthy place is you're surrounded by drama, so now that no one is left to feed her info and no more access points, now you can begin the final phase of healing. Her lack of boundaries, luckily, is no longer your concern. Any and everything she does, her issues, you're free.

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  7. #25
    Platinum Member Seymore's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    So my original response was flagged so I will respond more respectfully. You are correct, I also did not see him go balistic on anyone, didnt accuse him of it either but I digress. I actually agree with you an abusive ex is not owed anything. He owes it to himself to take the proper steps to move forward. Thats the message I took away from the comment you are referencing, I cannot speak for her nor do I know the intent of her message but she goes on to explain further what she meant by her comment and I tend to agree. No, he doesnt owe her an explaination or anything of the sort but he owes it to himself to take the proper steps to no longer be exposed to her as she is a trigger.



    No quite sure why my post was used to reference someone elses post but to respond I agree with you. Theres no use in responding,my quoted post wasnt referencing responding but rather attempting to get over the final 'hump' and continue on his road of healing since he seems quite stuck.




    Glad to hear you were able to get her blocked from that email Seymore. Im sure that was a huge relief, one less trigger. as for the second part, thats insane that family and friends are still engaging with her, do they know your history with her? I would have cut them off as well. You cant reach a happy and healthy place is you're surrounded by drama, so now that no one is left to feed her info and no more access points, now you can begin the final phase of healing. Her lack of boundaries, luckily, is no longer your concern. Any and everything she does, her issues, you're free.
    Yes, they know my history. That's one reason I got off social media - I have most of my family overseas who never met her in person and they saw all the good times on FB so they assumed she was great. One cousin even told me I was wrong to leave despite me telling her about the abuse. One member kept sending her gifts of the things she collects, according to the ex.

    When she showed up at my place she told me my family overseas was very supportive of her, again with that sick smile, I knew she reveled in the fact that she had them. Well, she can have them. I messaged everyone in my family that she was friends with saying I was so embarrassed to ask but please delete her. Some agreed immediately and I stay in contact with them, but some refused.

    Over the next year after the breakup she tried friending other friends and family members of mine. I know her plan was to convince them she wasn't all that bad. The following year on my birthday my godmother asked to take me to dinner and at that dinner said she talked with my ex. I told her again all the abuse (and she's a social worker), and asked her to please unfriend her. She said she would think about it and that she was a good person. I know she hasn't unfriended her so every holiday when family comes over, I'm very careful what I share about my personal life to her.

    I really try and I hated asking people to unfriend others but it sucks when you can't trust blood. It's made me very paranoid and yes it has hampered things but despite that I feel I've still come a long way. Ditching friends AND family is hard.

    I don't look for her car on the way to or from work (our paths cross on the way), I've passed her house a couple of times and I feel less and less. But I'm still angry at what she took. And I know some of the blame lies on me for getting with her in the first place and I'm trying to accept that and move on. Really I am.
    Last edited by Seymore; 11-26-2018 at 09:54 PM.

  8. #26
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    I think you're doin' fine bud*

    If we at least 'try' our best to move on that's all that we need to do.

    Carus*

  9. #27
    Platinum Member Seymore's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Carus
    I think you're doin' fine bud*

    If we at least 'try' our best to move on that's all that we need to do.

    Carus*
    Thank you so much.

    I have to admit, figureitout's comments, while harsh, pushed me to not think about her at all this week and it's mostly worked. If I've ever caught myself starting to think about her kids or her, I stop the thoughts and say I made the decisions I made, that's the way it is, and I was right to leave. I may have hurt people, but my life goes on and so does theirs.

    And it does. You can't step forward while having even one toe in the past. One day, hopefully sooner than later, I'll either not think about her at all, or think about her the same way as I think of all my previous exes - as an empty thought, where it doesn't affect me whether they're happy or not. They are just another person I used to know.

    Yesterday my parents wanted to meet me for dinner near my ex's place - near the martial arts school we used to train at, where most of our mutual friends were. After dinner I drove past the school and wanted to drop in to say hi, but I realized that was another life. I have to let that all go. If they hate me, they hate me. While I miss them, I can't control their impressions of me, if that makes any sense.

  10. #28
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Good for you Seymore. I know I come off harsh and brash, I just hate to see people encouraged to go in circles. We all need that time to be still, to wallow, to be sad, but itís shouldnt envelope us forever. I hope you donít think my comments come from a place of judgement or mean spiritedness. There are times we need to take care of ourselves and there are time we gotta kick ourselves in he butt.

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