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Thread: After 3 years and a month, she still keeps trying

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Seymore
    She has had a history of abuse (especially alcohol abuse) and violence, not to mention cheating. I just don't believe that has all changed or will ever change, especially at her age. None of her correspondence even mentioned the work she's done, because I know she's done no work. I've kept tabs (I check the county docket every few months) and know she's been sued three times this year, so her life is still full of drama.

    I know she wants to be "friends", and then try to slowly push me into another relationship. Suck me back in slowly. I don't buy the friendly image at all and I don't think I can ever trust her again.

    She's not going through it, either. She just wants control over me again and wants all I have to offer and this is a ploy. She's not getting what she wants and it's driving her crazy.
    I'm so happy that you can see through her and don't want to engage in the abuse again. Many people stay in this cycle of abuse for so many years and never push through or let themselves get sucked in again all of the time. Keep avoiding her and eventually it'll all be fine. She'll probably find another victim and leave you alone. Just don't engage with her AT ALL and if she does something crazy press charges.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Seymore's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Annia
    I'm so happy that you can see through her and don't want to engage in the abuse again. Many people stay in this cycle of abuse for so many years and never push through or let themselves get sucked in again all of the time. Keep avoiding her and eventually it'll all be fine. She'll probably find another victim and leave you alone. Just don't engage with her AT ALL and if she does something crazy press charges.
    Thank you! It can be difficult but I'm glad I stayed NC. You always want to believe things will be better but what's the cost, you know? And after a while through their behavior you start to see that things really haven't changed. It's sad but I've gotta keep pressing on.

    I'm very careful of what I tell certain family members about my personal life as well. I have a strong feeling a couple of them are still friends with her on FB and maybe even still have contact. It's a life of paranoia but it's getting better.

  3. #13
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    So she has contacted you twice in a year and a half? Did I read that correctly?

    IF so, and you're this wound up about it, enough to start a thread, you are not over it, have not moved on.

    Own that, at least.

    This also explains why you don't want to engage, she still has power over your emotions since you said (indirectly) she's capable of pulling you back in.

    If you had moved on, this would not be a concern for you and you'd be able to have a civil convo with her and give her some closure.

    So maybe look into that to determine why you're having such a difficult time extricating yourself emotionally.

    As for her, she still cares which is why she still reaches out, even if sporadically.

    Best of luck.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member RainyCoast's Avatar
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    Victims don't have to prove they are over or above it by attempting civil pleasantries with someone who has proven amply civilized behavior is out of their reach.

    Your mentality is just fine Seymore. Keep your resolve to not engage with her.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Seymore's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by RainyCoast
    Victims don't have to prove they are over or above it by attempting civil pleasantries with someone who has proven amply civilized behavior is out of their reach.

    Your mentality is just fine Seymore. Keep your resolve to not engage with her.
    Took the words right out of my mouth, thank you.

    Also, I never said I was 100% over it. I said I was definitely doing better. I know the details of the hell I went through weren't in my original post but I've had to call police on her while in the relationship and deal with her abuse. 3 months after the breakup we had a "civil" conversation after she snuck into my complex, and she tried telling me she never choked me and that I was the on who did it to her, and that other things she did never happened. I started it civil and she showed me that all she was interested in doing was gaslighting me, and all the while doing so with a sick smile. I don't wish to have such a conversation again.

    Closure comes from within and I'm working on bettering my life.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by RainyCoast
    Victims don't have to prove they are over or above it by attempting civil pleasantries with someone who has proven amply civilized behavior is out of their reach.

    Your mentality is just fine Seymore. Keep your resolve to not engage with her.
    No but itís also no the healthy to act like his reaction is within a normal range after these many years.

    I get that seymore is a regular poster and Is liked by many but come on, this isnít healthy.

    How long until someone has the balls to tell him this is far too long to still be so wound up about all this. These excuses about the email address the refusal to do anything to stop her even though her affect is still this strong....

    We all heal in our own ways. I would never argue that, youíve endured a lot, Iíve been there, you know it, so I get it.

    But it does seem itís time for you to take extra steps to get over this final Ďhumpí

    To say that your healing has stalled would be an understatement. You still post in the post here instead of contacting your ex, not a judgement, there are times Iíve doing the most mundane things and a past memory will pop into my head and Iíll get angry or upset, but on this post you are acting like itís all her, like Kat said, own your part. How else will you heal?

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Seymore's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23

    These excuses about the email address the refusal to do anything to stop her even though her affect is still this strong....
    What excuses? My refusal to do anything to stop her? I've blocked her and she emails through a new address. I've gotten completely off social media. I've contacted local police. What do you suggest now?

  9. #18
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Seymore
    What excuses? My refusal to do anything to stop her? I've blocked her and she emails through a new address. I've gotten completely off social media. I've contacted local police. What do you suggest now?
    If you are honestly so negatively affected by her contact DELETE THE EMAIL.

    Seymore it is 2018, there are far too many ways to get rid of people we don't want contacting us. Stalking is illegal. There are resources available to get away from abusers, I worked at one.

    While I already have two email addresses and it would be a pain to update everything, I considered that. If I change my address, I have to change it on my website so possible clients can reach me, and she will have access to it then. If the website responds to me and can block her I think I will be ok, then I can change my email.

    I know that's a lot of rambling but I did consider it. We will see if the site I'm on can block her.
    The level of nonchalance when questioned about how she is still able to contact you...

    Its like everyones noticing the fire and you're waving trying to divert our attention like "NO, NO, NO, dont look over there, look over here!"

    You're a participant Seymore. You get something out of this. You aren't ready to let go yet, leaving that door cracked ever so slightly, these posts.... seems to me its all a way to indirectly keep her in the forefront of your mind.

    I know how hard it is. Eventually though you are going to have to look within. That doesn't mean what she did doesn't matter or that it didn't affect you,of course it did! its simply you respecting and loving yourself enough to get better for you, stripping her of any and all power she has over you, for you.

    You keep putting a bandage over the pussfilled gaping wound, and when someone points out you keep picking at it, you lash out that its not your fault it isnt healing, even though you have access to the antibiotics.

    What would you be without that wound though? Who would you be? Are you afraid of life without the pain?

    You are actively standing in your own way Seymore.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member RainyCoast's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    No but itís also no the healthy to act like his reaction is within a normal range
    I didn't see him go ballistic in this post or anything of the kind at all that would prompt me to "muster the balls to tell him he isn't acting normal". And was not commenting on his healing process but the very disturbing idea that one should "prove" to their abusive ex (or to anyone) how over they are by engaging with them, and the idea that anyone owes an abusive ex closure. Both scream perfectly unhealthy to me.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Seymore's Avatar
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    Thanks RainyCoast.

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