Do not know where to start but need some help.

I just found this site and am very grateful. I am 38 years old and have been pretty successful in life. I have promoted very far in my current field of work and make a very good living. I have been very successful in all of my athletic endeavors and am currently one of the best Amateur golfers in my area. I have plenty of hobbies that keep me occupied, hunting, working out, running, golf, reading but these are all solitary activities. My issue is i feel like it is impossible to truly live a good life. I believe i have social anxiety or even avoidant personality disorder. Over the years i have managed to make plenty of friends. The problem is i eventually abandon them. I get so close and i usually start to push them away. I take a mini break from them... avoid their calls... avoid hanging out.... and then it becomes awkward so i eventually ghost them. I currently have 3 guys I hang out with. One of them is my closest friend in a very long time. Me and my fiance used to hangout with him and his wife often. They are very social people and were constantly inviting us to go on trips with them and other couples, attending parties, and so on. Me and my fiance both declined over and over. I have always felt awkward at parties... i always feel like i do not belong. It is now to the point that they are constantly hanging out in groups with the other couples. They rightfully do not ask me or my fiance to hangout anymore because you can only get rejected so many times. I really do not know what to do anymore. All the friends i have had growing up I surely pissed off. My college/ highschool friends no longer check in with me because i abandoned them. It is a tough pill to swallow at 38 when you realize you accomplished everything in your life you wanted.... except the only thing that matters... having people to enjoy life with. Any advice would be appreciated.

Sounds like time for a therapist to dig deep to find out what is really going on here. Time to look within, with the help of a therapist (imo).

Being isolated from your friends is what you chose to do; so you need to ask yourself why you did the things that you did to isolate yourself from them. It would seem that you did it because you want to be left alone and you accomplished that.

Being isolated from your friends is what you chose to do; so you need to ask yourself why you did the things that you did to isolate yourself from them. It would seem that you did it because you want to be left alone and you accomplished that.

your right I successfully accomplished that. I can’t logically explain my thought process because it’s so screwed up. I essentially never feel like these people view me as a friend. More like the only option at the time. Something usually comfirns that... like finding out my friends all did something without inviting me ( even though I would probably decline). Then In my mind I think why even reach out anymore. The contact gets less and less... then eventually very awkward so I just stop.

your right I successfully accomplished that. I can’t logically explain my thought process because it’s so screwed up. I essentially never feel like these people view me as a friend. More like the only option at the time. Something usually comfirns that... like finding out my friends all did something without inviting me ( even though I would probably decline). Then In my mind I think why even reach out anymore. The contact gets less and less... then eventually very awkward so I just stop.

This is all a self-fulfilling prophecy though. They do things now without inviting you because they now know that you always reject them anyway. You talk about being avoidant, about abandoning them, so it's totally understandable that after they get "bitten" by you they soon learn that you don't want to be around them.

This is of your own making. Your choice. You need to figure out WHY you do this and where it's all coming from - hence my suggestion of looking into professional help.

Well, what about your fiancee? Is she antisocial too? Do you spend any time with her? Does she have any friends? How much free time do you have a week?

Meanwhile, golfing usually requires three other people, don't you meet anyone there? There are usually other hunters out hunting at the same time or hanging around where you buy ammo and other supplies. What about them? Do you have any friends at work? If you're doing all these activities, it doesn't really sound like you have any time for friends. It might just be a question of finding time for other people.

But isn't your question really about trying to get back in the good graces of the other couple that use to invite you over? You turned them down so much, they stopped inviting you. So maybe you need to invite them over to your house for dinner, and they might invite you to another social event they're holding. And that way, you can get back with them. And then don't turn them down in the future.

This is all a self-fulfilling prophecy though. They do things now without inviting you because they now know that you always reject them anyway. You talk about being avoidant, about abandoning them, so it's totally understandable that after they get "bitten" by you they soon learn that you don't want to be around them.

This is of your own making. Your choice. You need to figure out WHY you do this and where it's all coming from - hence my suggestion of looking into professional help.

I agree, II need to go work with someone. I was just very down tonight. It’s the holiday weekend and I’m considering going into work. There was a time when I loved the holidays. I literally have nothing to do. I pictured my life at 38 being much more social and having fullfling relationships. I guess I was sort of venting. I regret being such bad friend to people over the years... I know this is all on me. There was a period in 2002 after a devastating relationship breakup that I committed to my friends. I made myself go attend everything I was invited to. I did things out of my comfort zone and it was a great time! Then I slowly fell back into this rut.

What about your fiance'? Does she feel the same way as you do? chi

I could be way off base, but you sound a lot like me, so I’m going to suggest you google introvert and do a little reading on it to see if this might be the issue. I too used to completely alienate all my friends because I didn’t understand my own responses or why I avoided social interactions. Once I truly understood introversion, I started explaining this to friends. I was amazed at the response when I simply explained introversion is about energy. Outgoing extroverted people are re-energized being around others and they find too much alone time lonely and difficult to endure. Introverts find social interaction draining. A big party or a lot of social interaction literally makes me feel physically exhausted so that I need alone time to recover. However, I can easily slip away and spend days or even weeks completely isolated and feel energized. Once I explained to family and friends that it wasn’t about them, it was me, and that it wasn’t personal, I was this way with everyone, people were suddenly really understanding and tolerant of my need for space and quiet. It’s easier for them to hear another no when they know it’s not about them.

Thank you all. My fiancé is very similar. She maintains her friendships though and still has her friends from Highschool and college. She can stay at home all weekend for weeks at a time and it doesn’t stress her out.

Awanderer, I am very introverted and during the spring, summer and even fall I’m not really too stressed. I wake up at 3am workout, then go to work for 8 hours.. after work I’m usually golfing until sunset and drained. I don’t want to be around anyone. It seems like this time of year and winter when the weather turns and i have a ton of time that i miss having people or couples to hang out with. There is a lot I need to work on!

Some people just don't enjoy spending time with friends as much as others.

You are obviously capable of making friends so that's not the problem.

We only chose to keep connections going with people if we want to. For some reason you don't want to. Doesn't mean there is a reason wrong with that.

You seem very accomplished in life. It's not causing any issues with you progressing in life.

Maybe getting to the route cause may require some therapy. Could be linked to something in your past.

Just remember though friends come and go. Sometimes some friends are there for that specific time or event in your life and you grow apart.

Sometimes all we need is a small collection instead of a massive bunch of friends that you aren't even that close with.

My issue is i feel like it is impossible to truly live a good life. I believe i have social anxiety or even avoidant personality disorder. Over the years i have managed to make plenty of friends. The problem is i eventually abandon them.

I recognize a lot of what you posted. I tend to avoid my friends when conflict arises. I think I probably do a poor job of setting boundaries during the initial stages of the friendship and I tend to end up feeling like I'm no longer comfortable with the friendship and/or I've been taken advantage of in certain situations. I'm also not crazy about attending social gatherings, however if I do feel accepted by a group, I tend to enjoy socializing.

I don't necessarily think you have a personality disorder, you may simply need more solitude to "recharge" yourself than others do. You may also be an empath, being more sensitive to others feelings which can be a burden for your psyche. Your Myers-Briggs Type Indicator is likely an INTJ. If you haven't determined your type yet, I would do that next which may help you better understand your method of processing social situations and interactions.

I actually had to take the Myers test for work and was the only one who was an INTJ.... the psychologist who issued it said it was super rare.