He suddenly stopped texting & calling. Help make sense

Hi

I need an opinion on an unusual situation. I've been talking to this guy I met online 2 months ago. The website is matrimonial website where everyone signing up signs up under the premise of getting to know someone for the purpose of marriage. It might be strange to mainstream culture but I'm from a culture where that's quite normal. Anyways we've been talking for almost 2 months he's due to visit next month during the holidays. We have a very strong connection though we haven't met yet. I've never had this crazy connection with men I've dated in the past while in the same city let alone someone who's on the other side of the world. We've discussed future plans & tentatively worked out it'd be best if I move to where he is, it works for the both of us. First time we talked for almost 3hours, longest we've talked is 6hours which felt like 1hour at most. And that's been our common theme since, talking and texting quite often though limited time due to work/studied. He has initiated every single interaction 100% of the time. I've been receptive thus far.

He has ticked every box regarding what I look for in a partner. Everything he's told me about him checks out as I have relatives in his city that know him and he is who says he is. He has expressed how he feels and even said ILY after 1 month. I of course have been trying to pace this relationship by telling him let's hold off the emotions until we at least meet however there's no denying that I do have some feelings for him and have gotten a little attached. It's very hard not to catch feelings for him cos he's very handsome, he supports me and enourages me with my studies and always tells me good things. He's very intelligent and well rounded so conversations with him is always a blast.

Now here's the thing. He texted me yesterday morning being his old self- sweet text and asking how I'm doing etc. I respond with the same when I woke up like normal. He responds hours later (unusual given he was at home then). His response was a little distant but I just said "cool" after he answered my text. And that's the last time we spoke. I haven't heard a word from him since. He's been online and I don't plan on calling him or texting him since I've never done that previously.

It's almost 2 days of no contact whatsoever, which has not been the norm thus far, he's always initiated and called/texted first. What will be the best way of dealing with this?

I did OLD for several years. If you can't meet a guy within 2 weeks, you're wasting precious time. Because before you meet, it's all fantasy. Before meeting several of the men, I loved the photos, the e-mails, the phone calls, etc., but 9 out of 10 times, when we actually met, everything fell apart. Either one or both of us didn't feel the chemistry, or the guy had lied about his age and he was much older than his photos, and one had lied about his height and was far shorter than he'd claimed to be.

What's going on with him? The holidays are approaching, getting close to his supposed plan to visit. He probably never planned to visit because he's probably not who he says he is, and just likes communicating romantically with someone for whatever reason.

With a LDR experience, you've chosen the riskiest way to date. You can't date at a normal pace. You spend enormous amounts of time on an unknown. You're alone in your home without a companion, versus cuddling on the couch with someone and having fun outings. LDR's are extremely expensive with all the cost of travel. And when you do travel, you end up spending too much time together at the beginning, which ends up feeling smothering and too much too soon.

Your connection isn't real. Until you regularly meet up with someone over a period of a year, you don't know who that person is, how he handles stress, his health, his finances, his career, how he treats you, his family, his friends, etc. You don't know if he's already taken. Of course it's all lovey-dovey talk and no stress with him since you're not going through life together in 3D, like you had to do with the local men you dated. So don't think you wouldn't experience the same obstacles with him as you did with your exes.

It took going on dates with 30 men, most not going past the 1st date, before I found my future husband. At the rate you're going with LDRs, you'll likely be an old lady before you find a man to marry, since it takes a lot of sifting through sand to find the treasure. It's rare to meet a man who meets all of your main needs, plus having chemistry with him, and it takes a lot of work. I put so much time into doing so, and it finally worked for me.

I highly recommend local dating. I guarantee you're far more likely to achieve your goal that way. Good luck.

Hi Andrina thanks for yoir input. What you're saying makes huge sense but I wasn't planning on meeting anyone online. I went on my profile after months to delete it but he messaged and that's how it all started. In regards to him not being who says he is I've mentioned in my post that I know people in his city who know him so he's not lying about who he says he is.

Well, if this was a Western relationship, there would be all sorts of red flags here. The big thing I think is that a lot of these guys are nice at first and very attentive, and then once they get you, everything starts going down hill. Also you haven't met this guy and he's already telling you he loves you. We would consider that very creepy. Then the guy lives halfway across the world and we would tell you an LDR just won't work out unless you're just going to marry him and move.

I would just say that whatever he's doing just shows that you don't know him and you don't know what he's into and up to. Even in an arranged marriage, I would recommend that you date someone locally where you can meet all of his friends and relatives and know what you're getting in advance.

Hi Danzee. Thanks for your input. I know our relationship is unorthodox but the plan was to meet, then if we click he meet my family and friends. Then the second visit I go visit him in his city then meet his family and friends. If everything went well after a year of this then I go to his city after we marry. That was the plan.

But for now is there anything to do about this drop in communication. Given he's always initiated and reached out to me first in those 2 months is he now expecting me to initiate communication at least once?

PLhanoolato, with the exception of the matrimonial website, what you've posted isn't very unusual at all. It actually happens all the time on non-matrimonial dating sites. And the "I've never felt like this before" sentiment isn't unusual, either. Read through this forum and you will find zillions of examples where a connection 'unlike any other' suddenly fizzled into nothing, never to be resurrected.

Ultimately, those sentiments mean nothing at this early stage, and shouldn't be used as the basis of important decisions like marriage. Most people are on their best behavior during the early stages of a relationship. It often takes quite some time for the mask to drop and the for real person to emerge.

There is nothing for you to do now but wait and learn more about the kind of person he is. He may have the name he says he has, the job he says he has, and live in the city where he claims to live. None of those things mean that he has good character. You have to wait and see about that, and here is your first chance at insight. Be patient.

If he's so handsome and a man who would tick all the boxes for a woman, why hasn't he found a local girl and feels the need to woo a woman halfway around the world? What has been his past relationship history according to him and your relatives? Who would be moving where if things worked out? When a person has to be yanked away from family, friends, a career to start a new life with someone, if you don't think that involves a great amount of stress, you're kidding yourself. It takes an extremely stable relationship to withstand that major life change, and grandparents in the other country will rarely get to see their grandkids, if children will be in the picture. I don't understand why you're taking a much tougher route just because some guy in another country paid attention to you. I had guys in other states contact me too, and I always let them know I was sticking to local dating, and started putting that in my profile.

What should you do? See if he puts in the effort or not. Don't put any more effort than he does. Don't accept breadcrumbs if he's fading away. You take control over your own life if someone isn't making you a priority. Let him spend the money to visit your town, and do not house him. Do not sleep with him. If he bails, and says he's not visiting until next year, don't put yourself on hold anymore, and also be open to dating others locally, because you two aren't exclusive. Try meet up.com to meet local men who you can actually vette far quicker. Take care and let us know how it goes.

If he's so handsome and a man who would tick all the boxes for a woman, why hasn't he found a local girl and feels the need to woo a woman halfway around the world? What has been his past relationship history according to him and your relatives? Who would be moving where if things worked out? When a person has to be yanked away from family, friends, a career to start a new life with someone, if you don't think that involves a great amount of stress, you're kidding yourself. It takes an extremely stable relationship to withstand that major life change, and grandparents in the other country will rarely get to see their grandkids, if children will be in the picture. I don't understand why you're taking a much tougher route just because some guy in another country paid attention to you. I had guys in other states contact me too, and I always let them know I was sticking to local dating, and started putting that in my profile.

 

What should you do? See if he puts in the effort or not. Don't put any more effort than he does. Don't accept breadcrumbs if he's fading away. You take control over your own life if someone isn't making you a priority. Let him spend the money to visit your town, and do not house him. Do not sleep with him. If he bails, and says he's not visiting until next year, don't put yourself on hold anymore, and also be open to dating others locally, because you two aren't exclusive. Try meet up.com to meet local men who you can actually vette far quicker. Take care and let us know how it goes.

If he is living in a western country and wants a wife from his culture, it very common. I am thinking this may be a Hindu relationship, where many men seek women from their homeland

Is there something that prevents you from asking him what’s going on other than the fact that you have never initiated?

Andrina, thanks for taking the time to respond. To answer your question, he only wants to marry women of the same culture & there aren't many where he lives. Same goes for me. Hence the matrimonial website that facilitates this. We're both practising Muslim so there won't be any sex relation before marriage.

Jibralta- I really love what you said "You have to wait and see about that, and here is your first chance at insight. Be patient". That's exactly what I'm leaning to. But a guy friend advised me to text him as he has been the ONLY one to initiate and maintain contact for 2 months. He said he might be feeling like my interest is low but I feel that I've shown my interest in the way I've responded to him. I don't know. Now I have no idea what to do.

Holly- yeah it's pretty common for certain cultures (we're both Muslim) but definitely a little unorthodox in the west where we both live.

Why haven't you reached out to him?

Maew- there's nothing other than my pride to be honest. What would you suggest to say if I were to text other than "what's happening"? Etc.

HollyJ- that's never been our dynamic so far & as mentioned above, my pride got the best of me

Pride is not a good thing, as it is simply fear. if he is such a great guy, are you willing to lose him over your "pride?"

You have nothing to lose. Send a text saying hello.

What is your dynamic?

No my pride isn't worth this potentially good relationship. Our dynamic of communication is he texts first then I respond then we talk on the phone. Our last text exchange didn't lead to a phone call which has always been prompted by him. Then it was silence for 2 days. I saw him online few times during this time

I think you should reach out. It is not fair that he always has to contact you. Show him that you care.

I think you should reach out. It is not fair that he always has to contact you. Show him that you care.

I agree with this!

What will you really have to lose?

You could sit back for prided sake and never hear from him again!

I do think relationships should be a two way street. So no harm in reaching out...

By reaching out it will ease the worry you have and at least you know where you stand.

Good luck

You can either wait to hear from him or send him a text. Is he chatting with others on the site? Is he still planning to visit? How far away is he?

I've been talking to this guy I met online 2 months ago. The website is matrimonial website where everyone signing up signs up under the premise of getting to know someone for the purpose of marriage. he's due to visit next month during the holidays. someone who's on the other side of the world. It's almost 2 days of no contact whatsoever

Thank you Holly, jellybeans. Appreciate both your responses

Wiseman- we've decided to close our dating profiles few weeks in talking stage. The plan was still on as far as I'm concerned but no definitive plan was made as he said there's few loose ends at work (he has a very demanding job in finance) to sort out first. I'll definitely wait for few hours before texting him.c

Update:

So I've texted him: I missed hearing your voice. Hope everything is well to which he quickly responded with "hey I'm well. How are you". I was gutted by such indifference but still decided to reply with I'm doing great & left it there. He hasn't called which he usually does after we exchange formalities. Seems like I'm back to where I was but at least I've let him know where I stand and the rest is up to him. Otherwise, life goes on and onto the next.

Well you have established that this is not normal behavior for him.

I personally you are well within your right to state the fact something has changed and what's wrong.

Other posters on this forum my disagree with him.

But I would want to know than have him with the dribs abs drabs like now.

But it's entirely up to you with how you proceed.

Good on your for making that first step and text!

Thank you jellybeans! I'm so tempted to just write him an essay of why his behaviour seems off but I know for a fact that isn't gonna get anything resolved. So I'll sit this one out and wait this time even if it very uncomfortable

No essays for sure!!!!

Just sit it out for now...

Might be best to see how it unfolds.

If you are ever tempted to write and essay to a guy. Me and my best friend made a pact that we would right it and send it to each other instead and save the essay sending the they guy.

Yeah, no essays. The essay, the instinct behind that, is also pride, and control. We write those—and I say that as someone with a small novel of unsent essays to various women clogging my hard drive—with some misguided hope that we can "school" the person into suddenly becoming who they were, or who we hope them to be. Never works, never feels good.

I am sorry about all this confusion. Sounds like you've got a good head and a strong heart to weather it.

If possible, I'd try to take a deep breath, work on detaching emotionally a bit, and just kind of see how it unfolds. Who knows what's going on with him—in his life, in his heart, and so on. Asking those questions is a waste of energy, nothing but a knot that gets bigger and tighter the more you try to untangle it.

Your text to him was terrific, by the way. You put pride aside, put your true feelings forward—that's brave and strong and awesome and, in the big picture of living, will always serve you. His loss if he can't receive it now. Maybe he comes back around, maybe not—you hold that space as long as you feel, while making sure you're still moving forward.