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Thread: Found out husband has been cheating for 10 years?!

  1. #1

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    Found out husband has been cheating for 10 years?!

    Iíve just found out that my husband has been cheating on me for 10 YEARS. On and off, with the same woman.

    I found a different email account, going back to 2008, where it takes them hundreds of emails and 2 years to have sex. According to emails, they only had oral sex. She did not want more. The emails spanning 10 years show their break ups, when either my husband dropped her, or she dropped him. They discussed kids- sheís married with kids like us, careers, etc..

    He offered her jobs on 3 different occasions. She denied them. (They worked in the same field.) After my husband lost his job, she contacted a group including my husband, saying she was looking for something part-time. My husband did not reply to her but saved emails asking a college buddy of his to contact her and offer her a job. He goes through these elaborate conversations to convince his buddy that the scope of the job should be big, basically trying to give her as good an opportunity as possible. These are from 3 years ago.

    Fast forward to March, 2018. Iíve found LI messages where someone contacted him with a profile named ďI Miss YouĒ. At first he didnít know who it was, but messages reveal that itís the woman. She eventually tells him in May that sheís going to be moving away for the summer and canít see him, but will in September.

    He saved screenshots of her 3 visits to his profile in October. No communication.

    Then this past Monday, there are more messages between them - my husband reached out to her. Asking her if she thinks about the past. They go back and forth at midnight, heís trying to rope her into sex talk! She doesnít give in and eventually tells him she has guests and itís a late night, so they can ďtalk tomorrowĒ.

    My husband didnít reply and I havenít seen anything else. I cannot begin to describe how hurt and betrayed I feel.

    I have known of NSA affairs heís had. Heís very good looking and women swarm him. I always knew they would blow over, and always have. But I never, ever imagined the amount of deceit and manipulation that goes into having a 10-year affair.

    But another part of me says itís not a real affair since theyíve never had actual sex, and itís never lasted past a few months at a time. I canít figure out if I should count my husband as emotionally involved with her, or if sheís just sex like the others. And why would he go back to her now? I understand he needs sex, and I give as much as I can, but that doesnít seem to be enough for him.

    Is this woman worth ending my marriage over? Is my husband in love with someone else?

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Someone you canít trust farther than you fling them is worth ending it over. No trust = no relationship romantic or otherwise .

  3. #3

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    But does the amount of time, and going back and forth when heís had other women, mean he has feelings for her?

  4. #4
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    He may or he may not. But unfortunately youíre being played for a fool . I would get out .

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jill0501
    I cannot begin to describe how hurt and betrayed I feel.
    No need to describe it. Many of us know exactly what you're going through...and going to go through, and I'm so sorry for that.
    Originally Posted by Jill0501
    But another part of me says itís not a real affair since theyíve never had actual sex, and itís never lasted past a few months at a time. I canít figure out if I should count my husband as emotionally involved with her, or if sheís just sex like the others. And why would he go back to her now? I understand he needs sex, and I give as much as I can, but that doesnít seem to be enough for him.
    There is quite a bit of denial and self sacrifice in that paragraph ^^

    Are you saying he's had sex with other women and you're ok with that? Were these in secret or part of a polygamous arrangement you two have?

    Whether they've had sex or not, it seems like they will at some point if this continues. Are you ok with that? I'm guessing no....

    Whether they've had sex or not this definitely is an emotional affair and the fact he's never told you is a massive breach of trust.
    Originally Posted by Jill0501
    Is this woman worth ending my marriage over?
    It's not this woman that's the question, it's your husbands behavior that you should be looking at... If it's not her it'll be someone else...

    And I worry that he'll end up leaving you for someone else which will throw you into a spiral wondering how he could do that after all you've done and put up with....That is a very real risk here....
    Originally Posted by Jill0501
    Is my husband in love with someone else?
    Well it depends on ones definition of love, but my 2 cents is no, he's not 'in love' with her, but he is infatuated and treating your love and marriage with basically zero respect.

    Again I'm sorry for your situation. It's going to be messy and painful whichever way it goes.

    First thing to do, if you haven't already, will be to talk to him about it...

    But even if he says he's ready to work on your relationship I think you might have a hard time regaining any sort of trust in him.

    You will then become anxious and hyper vigilant and your health will suffer.

    Sounds like the situation is quite fresh and you'll get opinions on here based on what 'they' would do....But you've got some decisions to make.

    Sending You Strength

    Carus*

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jill0501
    But another part of me says itís not a real affair since theyíve never had actual sex, and itís never lasted past a few months at a time.
    You answer your own question here, if you reread:

    Originally Posted by Jill0501
    But I never, ever imagined the amount of deceit and manipulation that goes into having a 10-year affair.
    You have to determine what's ok for you. You have to define the lines. Is an NSA affair ok? Well, what really constitutes NSA? Does it stop being NSA when he shows some degree of respect or admiration for the woman he is having sex with? Is it ok for him to sleep with the same woman repeatedly as long as he views her as a piece of meat and not a person?

    What about trust? Is he forthcoming about the NSA affairs, or do you find out unbeknownst to him? If he is telling you, and you are ok with it, fine. But if he is having these affairs behind your back, I don't see how that is less deceptive than the 10-year affair that he has been having.

    Why is ok for him to deceive you, but not ok for him to care for somebody? The former makes him more of a pig. The latter makes him human.

    What are your values in all of this?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    He has had multiple affairs. This one doesn't sound any worse than the others. It sounds as disfuctional, and imo the on-off feature doesn't matter. What matters is that he sounds like a guy who will continue to cheat for as long as he gets away with it i.e. forever as things stand. If you are ok with the NSA sex, then this affair should make no difference imo.

    Imo, one shouldn't put up with cheating, NSA or not. Period. Yet, you seem ok with that. This on-off thing sounds equally dead end as the NSA affairs so I don't get why it bothers you any worse. It's highly unlikely that he will leave you for her. Plus, she knows what he is and she sounds smart enough not to leave her marriage for the likes of him.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member superfan's Avatar
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    I would have left after the first affair - NSA or not.

    You don't seem to have any respect for yourself. You have let this man treat you like dirt for years. Why have you stayed so long? There are so many men out there who won't cheat and actually believe in monogamy.

    I think you need to look at his pattern of behavior and realize he is not going to change. You either continue to rationalize it and allow your self esteem to erode into nothing or you walk away and begin to like yourself again.

    Up to you

  10. #9
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I think he'll keep doing what he's been doing for at least 10 yrs. The best predictor of future behaviour is relevant past behaviour. Have you talked to him about this? If so, what does he say? I'd have been gone years ago.

  11. #10
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    Are you staying "for the kids"? Or are you really OK with having an open marriage where your husband gets to sleep around?

    The kids know or will know. I wonder how they feel about having a father who has sex with random women.

    And I hope you are getting a full STD workup every six months including HIV screening.

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