Found out husband has been cheating for 10 years?!

I’ve just found out that my husband has been cheating on me for 10 YEARS. On and off, with the same woman.

I found a different email account, going back to 2008, where it takes them hundreds of emails and 2 years to have sex. According to emails, they only had oral sex. She did not want more. The emails spanning 10 years show their break ups, when either my husband dropped her, or she dropped him. They discussed kids- she’s married with kids like us, careers, etc..

He offered her jobs on 3 different occasions. She denied them. (They worked in the same field.) After my husband lost his job, she contacted a group including my husband, saying she was looking for something part-time. My husband did not reply to her but saved emails asking a college buddy of his to contact her and offer her a job. He goes through these elaborate conversations to convince his buddy that the scope of the job should be big, basically trying to give her as good an opportunity as possible. These are from 3 years ago.

Fast forward to March, 2018. I’ve found LI messages where someone contacted him with a profile named “I Miss You”. At first he didn’t know who it was, but messages reveal that it’s the woman. She eventually tells him in May that she’s going to be moving away for the summer and can’t see him, but will in September.

He saved screenshots of her 3 visits to his profile in October. No communication.

Then this past Monday, there are more messages between them - my husband reached out to her. Asking her if she thinks about the past. They go back and forth at midnight, he’s trying to rope her into sex talk! She doesn’t give in and eventually tells him she has guests and it’s a late night, so they can “talk tomorrow”.

My husband didn’t reply and I haven’t seen anything else. I cannot begin to describe how hurt and betrayed I feel.

I have known of NSA affairs he’s had. He’s very good looking and women swarm him. I always knew they would blow over, and always have. But I never, ever imagined the amount of deceit and manipulation that goes into having a 10-year affair.

But another part of me says it’s not a real affair since they’ve never had actual sex, and it’s never lasted past a few months at a time. I can’t figure out if I should count my husband as emotionally involved with her, or if she’s just sex like the others. And why would he go back to her now? I understand he needs sex, and I give as much as I can, but that doesn’t seem to be enough for him.

Is this woman worth ending my marriage over? Is my husband in love with someone else?

Someone you can’t trust farther than you fling them is worth ending it over. No trust = no relationship romantic or otherwise .

But does the amount of time, and going back and forth when he’s had other women, mean he has feelings for her?

He may or he may not. But unfortunately you’re being played for a fool . I would get out .

I cannot begin to describe how hurt and betrayed I feel.

No need to describe it. Many of us know exactly what you're going through...and going to go through, and I'm so sorry for that.

But another part of me says it’s not a real affair since they’ve never had actual sex, and it’s never lasted past a few months at a time. I can’t figure out if I should count my husband as emotionally involved with her, or if she’s just sex like the others. And why would he go back to her now? I understand he needs sex, and I give as much as I can, but that doesn’t seem to be enough for him.

There is quite a bit of denial and self sacrifice in that paragraph ^^

Are you saying he's had sex with other women and you're ok with that? Were these in secret or part of a polygamous arrangement you two have?

Whether they've had sex or not, it seems like they will at some point if this continues. Are you ok with that? I'm guessing no....

Whether they've had sex or not this definitely is an emotional affair and the fact he's never told you is a massive breach of trust.

Is this woman worth ending my marriage over?

It's not this woman that's the question, it's your husbands behavior that you should be looking at... If it's not her it'll be someone else...

And I worry that he'll end up leaving you for someone else which will throw you into a spiral wondering how he could do that after all you've done and put up with....That is a very real risk here....

Is my husband in love with someone else?

Well it depends on ones definition of love, but my 2 cents is no, he's not 'in love' with her, but he is infatuated and treating your love and marriage with basically zero respect.

Again I'm sorry for your situation. It's going to be messy and painful whichever way it goes.

First thing to do, if you haven't already, will be to talk to him about it...

But even if he says he's ready to work on your relationship I think you might have a hard time regaining any sort of trust in him.

You will then become anxious and hyper vigilant and your health will suffer.

Sounds like the situation is quite fresh and you'll get opinions on here based on what 'they' would do....But you've got some decisions to make.

Sending You Strength

Carus*

But another part of me says it’s not a real affair since they’ve never had actual sex, and it’s never lasted past a few months at a time.

You answer your own question here, if you reread:

But I never, ever imagined the amount of deceit and manipulation that goes into having a 10-year affair.

You have to determine what's ok for you. You have to define the lines. Is an NSA affair ok? Well, what really constitutes NSA? Does it stop being NSA when he shows some degree of respect or admiration for the woman he is having sex with? Is it ok for him to sleep with the same woman repeatedly as long as he views her as a piece of meat and not a person?

What about trust? Is he forthcoming about the NSA affairs, or do you find out unbeknownst to him? If he is telling you, and you are ok with it, fine. But if he is having these affairs behind your back, I don't see how that is less deceptive than the 10-year affair that he has been having.

Why is ok for him to deceive you, but not ok for him to care for somebody? The former makes him more of a pig. The latter makes him human.

What are your values in all of this?

He has had multiple affairs. This one doesn't sound any worse than the others. It sounds as disfuctional, and imo the on-off feature doesn't matter. What matters is that he sounds like a guy who will continue to cheat for as long as he gets away with it i.e. forever as things stand. If you are ok with the NSA sex, then this affair should make no difference imo.

Imo, one shouldn't put up with cheating, NSA or not. Period. Yet, you seem ok with that. This on-off thing sounds equally dead end as the NSA affairs so I don't get why it bothers you any worse. It's highly unlikely that he will leave you for her. Plus, she knows what he is and she sounds smart enough not to leave her marriage for the likes of him.

I would have left after the first affair - NSA or not.

You don't seem to have any respect for yourself. You have let this man treat you like dirt for years. Why have you stayed so long? There are so many men out there who won't cheat and actually believe in monogamy.

I think you need to look at his pattern of behavior and realize he is not going to change. You either continue to rationalize it and allow your self esteem to erode into nothing or you walk away and begin to like yourself again.

Up to you

I think he'll keep doing what he's been doing for at least 10 yrs. The best predictor of future behaviour is relevant past behaviour. Have you talked to him about this? If so, what does he say? I'd have been gone years ago.

Are you staying "for the kids"? Or are you really OK with having an open marriage where your husband gets to sleep around?

The kids know or will know. I wonder how they feel about having a father who has sex with random women.

And I hope you are getting a full STD workup every six months including HIV screening.

No, he doesn’t know that I know about this affair or the NSA flings he’s had. What concerns me is that I could live with sex only - I know this isn’t normal but I knew when I married him that he wouldn’t be sexually faithful because of his looks. We’ve never discussed that, but the price I’ve had to pay to be with someone like him was to accept the lack of sexual faithfulness.

But he is crossing the line going back and forth with the same woman for 10 years. I feel betrayed in a way I never have before. I already had my doubts about what she meant 8 years ago when their affair was fledgling, and even saw an attorney. I never confronted my husband or ended the marriage. But she keeps reappearing every once in a while when one of them returns. My husband went too far in trying to “help” her with a high paying job through a friend ( she turned it down), and he never even told her he was the one arranging the job - in other words, he did it selflessly, genuinely to help her. When I figured this out from the emails, my heart sank.

Now in their messages from Monday, she’s curbing his sex talk attempts and he doesn’t let down. She asks what made him reach out to her and he said he didn’t know but that he hadn’t had head in a long time and always thinks of her when he wants good sex! She stopped replying until he reached out to her again and she said she was busy with guests. (Holiday in the U.S.)

We had had sex the day before. It’s not like he’s neglected. He has other women to get sex from. I don’t understand the need for this one 10 years later and my jealousy doesn’t let me think straight.

I know this isn’t normal but I knew when I married him that he wouldn’t be sexually faithful because of his looks. We’ve never discussed that, but the price I’ve had to pay to be with someone like him was to accept the lack of sexual faithfulness.

That is not a fair statement to make about good-looking people! His lies and deception are byproducts of his character, not his looks.

I am so sorry that you have settled for him, based on this completely incorrect belief that you have about looks. I'm also sorry that you feel his his looks are worth the betrayal.

There's a lot more to life that you are missing out on, due to this silly belief.

Of course it is. Seek an attorney immediately! Print out all of the messages before he deletes him.

I don't care how hot he is, this should NEVER be expected from a partner. Also, don't think that it was only her, I am sure there are many more. Get tested ASAP!

Don;t use the kids as an excuse to stay with him. It is not good for them to be in this environment.

He cheated on you emotionally and physically. Oral sex is sex. I don't understand what you are thinking. Expect more from a partner.

Sorry, for all of this deceit. If you stay, you will have no one else to blame, but yourself. He will always cheat on you, as he does not respect or care about you.

Are you getting full STD workups including HIV testing every six months? I hope you are. You want to be around for your kids.

And no, a good looking man doesn't get a free pass to cheat just because he's good looking. This is a character issue, not a looks issue. He could say "no", you know. Do you think having a good looking husband is more important than having a husband who is faithful, committed and honest?

" I knew when I married him that he wouldn’t be sexually faithful because of his looks."

This is sad. There are many good looking men who do not cheat. It has nothing to do with looks, but has everything to do with character. Why would you marry someone like this? Why do you think so little of yourself?

What! " He has other women to get sex from" So you are cool with all of his affairs? Are you using condoms?

I cannot respond to this anymore. It hurts to read how little you respect yourself.

but the price I’ve had to pay to be with someone like him was to accept the lack of sexual faithfulness.

I'm not sure where you've learnt this or who told you this. You basically have it in your head that 'good looking people' cannot be faithful or respectful. Why? Because they will have too many people wanting them based on looks and they will eventually go for it? so you as the wife have to 'pay the price' of him cheating if you want to be with him??!!

That's crazy! And so far from the truth, it's not even funny.

It does not matter what people look like. It matters on if they've got good morals and standards, if they've got respect for their spouse/partner, if they are faithful despite temptations.

And why on earth would you down grade yourself to have to 'pay the price' of pain and heartache to watch your spouse sleep around or cheat in order to be with him?

You do not need to pay any price!!

You need to get your self esteem back and realize that he is not a good man. Looks have nothing to do with it!

He is behaving badly and you're condoning it...why? Because of his looks and he can't help it?! Again..that's not right!

He as a man knows the difference between right and wrong. He can be man enough to tell any other woman.."NO, I am married"....and mean it. He can choose to be a respectful, decent man and to be a faithful man.

It's not his looks that control that but rather whats inside his heart. And if he is behaving this way, his got an ugly inside that outside looks cannot compete with.

Why would you settle for a man who is ugly on the inside in order to be with him because he's so called good looking on the outside?

It really boggles my mind.

Do you deserve this? Did you ever deserve this? NO woman or person ever deserves this kind of treatment and there is no excuse what so ever.

At the end of the day, people who cheat and behave like this are lacking in many things. Respect, loyalty, morals, self control, decency.

He has treated you like dirt.

He has no right to be staying in romantic contact with any woman, whether it's a fling or 10 years! It goes to show what a piece of garbage he is.

You need to start seeing things from a different perspective. Get your self esteem and self worth back.

This man is not worthy...all he deserves at this point is a divorce.

Are you most threatened by her being able to get into his wallet if she so chooses?

You only really seemed bothered because he's willing to set up jobs and opportunities for her.

Sorry to be blunt but is this about being scared that he's syphoning off resources or will?

My husband is a good looking guy. He's also got an accent that women flock to. He would never cheat and if he did I would be out the door.

Looks are no excuse. He's a loser.

You don't think having oral sex with another woman is having a "real" affair? Ridiculous! Stop making excuses for him and minimizing what he's been doing. He's definitely been having a REAL affair. Leave him. This was not a one time event, an accidental screw up. The fact that they have broken up and got back together over the years shows he made the choice to betray you over and over and over. This isn't an accidental screw up. It's a lifestyle for him. It shows his complete lack of character. He will NEVER be faithful to you. Dump him.

Being promiscuous is not for me - I would never cheat on him. And I honestly think that an inordinate amount of status, be it beauty, intelligence, or wealth, allows people to live outside of the rules of regular society. The tree huggers of the world obviously will disagree, but this is not the point of my post.

I have posted to understand the dynamic behind this one affair. Am I making too much of it by thinking he’s emotionally involved with her? Because if it’s just sex, I can live with it. But if he has feelings for her, I’d have to reassess our entire marriage.

Please spare me your outrage at my reasons for staying married to him. I know they’re not mainstream. But while I appreciate different perspectives, my main reason in posting is to understand if it is normal for a sex-only affair to last for 10 years.

And yes, we have children. 2 boys in 4th and 5th grade. He’s a wonderful and present father.

As long as you are ok with STD’s. But I don’t think a good father screws around on the mother of his children. Your kids are not stupid and will eventually figure this all out.

Seraphim, you must be incredibly young. Or not have children of your own, if you can’t understand the different dynamics in a marriage, and those in raising children.

I am not a tree hugger. We are saying that someone who valued their family and themselves would not tolerate this behavior. I do not understand why you think that someone who has been blessed with beauty or death does not have to follow the same set of rules. Perhaps, this is your way of excusing behavior that is unacceptable to the majority.

if you don't give a damn about yourself, then think about your kids. They will find out and this is not a safe or healthy environment for them emotionally. He is not a wonderful father when he has multiple affairs with others.

This is not about being mainstream. It is about having self respect!

Do you use condoms and have you been tested for STDs?

Seraphim, you must be incredibly young. Or not have children of your own, if you can’t understand the different dynamics in a marriage, and those in raising children.

Seraphim and I are older than you. It is called self respect! I don't know any of my married friends that would put up with this crap!

Why is this okay for you?

It seems you are well aware that this one is different and after 10 years there is obviously a bond. However this long term love affair is shaking you up, because you fear he'll leave you for her, which of course one day he will. He may wait for the kids to be grown or when it is financially more opportune, but he will leave you one day. If not for this lover, for someone else. He has no respect for you and you are aware of that as well.

Am I making too much of it by thinking he’s emotionally involved with her? if it is normal for a sex-only affair to last for 10 years.