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Thread: Found out husband has been cheating for 10 years?!

  1. #11

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    No, he doesn’t know that I know about this affair or the NSA flings he’s had. What concerns me is that I could live with sex only - I know this isn’t normal but I knew when I married him that he wouldn’t be sexually faithful because of his looks. We’ve never discussed that, but the price I’ve had to pay to be with someone like him was to accept the lack of sexual faithfulness.

    But he is crossing the line going back and forth with the same woman for 10 years. I feel betrayed in a way I never have before. I already had my doubts about what she meant 8 years ago when their affair was fledgling, and even saw an attorney. I never confronted my husband or ended the marriage. But she keeps reappearing every once in a while when one of them returns. My husband went too far in trying to “help” her with a high paying job through a friend ( she turned it down), and he never even told her he was the one arranging the job - in other words, he did it selflessly, genuinely to help her. When I figured this out from the emails, my heart sank.

    Now in their messages from Monday, she’s curbing his sex talk attempts and he doesn’t let down. She asks what made him reach out to her and he said he didn’t know but that he hadn’t had head in a long time and always thinks of her when he wants good sex! She stopped replying until he reached out to her again and she said she was busy with guests. (Holiday in the U.S.)

    We had had sex the day before. It’s not like he’s neglected. He has other women to get sex from. I don’t understand the need for this one 10 years later and my jealousy doesn’t let me think straight.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jill0501
    I know this isn’t normal but I knew when I married him that he wouldn’t be sexually faithful because of his looks. We’ve never discussed that, but the price I’ve had to pay to be with someone like him was to accept the lack of sexual faithfulness.
    That is not a fair statement to make about good-looking people! His lies and deception are byproducts of his character, not his looks.

    I am so sorry that you have settled for him, based on this completely incorrect belief that you have about looks. I'm also sorry that you feel his his looks are worth the betrayal.

    There's a lot more to life that you are missing out on, due to this silly belief.

  3. #13
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    Of course it is. Seek an attorney immediately! Print out all of the messages before he deletes him.

    I don't care how hot he is, this should NEVER be expected from a partner. Also, don't think that it was only her, I am sure there are many more. Get tested ASAP!

    Don;t use the kids as an excuse to stay with him. It is not good for them to be in this environment.

    He cheated on you emotionally and physically. Oral sex is sex. I don't understand what you are thinking. Expect more from a partner.

    Sorry, for all of this deceit. If you stay, you will have no one else to blame, but yourself. He will always cheat on you, as he does not respect or care about you.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 11-24-2018 at 12:37 PM.

  4. #14
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    Are you getting full STD workups including HIV testing every six months? I hope you are. You want to be around for your kids.

    And no, a good looking man doesn't get a free pass to cheat just because he's good looking. This is a character issue, not a looks issue. He could say "no", you know. Do you think having a good looking husband is more important than having a husband who is faithful, committed and honest?

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  6. #15
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    " I knew when I married him that he wouldn’t be sexually faithful because of his looks."

    This is sad. There are many good looking men who do not cheat. It has nothing to do with looks, but has everything to do with character. Why would you marry someone like this? Why do you think so little of yourself?

    What! " He has other women to get sex from" So you are cool with all of his affairs? Are you using condoms?

    I cannot respond to this anymore. It hurts to read how little you respect yourself.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 11-24-2018 at 12:45 PM.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    but the price I’ve had to pay to be with someone like him was to accept the lack of sexual faithfulness.
    I'm not sure where you've learnt this or who told you this. You basically have it in your head that 'good looking people' cannot be faithful or respectful. Why? Because they will have too many people wanting them based on looks and they will eventually go for it? so you as the wife have to 'pay the price' of him cheating if you want to be with him??!!

    That's crazy! And so far from the truth, it's not even funny.

    It does not matter what people look like. It matters on if they've got good morals and standards, if they've got respect for their spouse/partner, if they are faithful despite temptations.

    And why on earth would you down grade yourself to have to 'pay the price' of pain and heartache to watch your spouse sleep around or cheat in order to be with him?
    You do not need to pay any price!!
    You need to get your self esteem back and realize that he is not a good man. Looks have nothing to do with it!
    He is behaving badly and you're condoning it...why? Because of his looks and he can't help it?! Again..that's not right!

    He as a man knows the difference between right and wrong. He can be man enough to tell any other woman.."NO, I am married"....and mean it. He can choose to be a respectful, decent man and to be a faithful man.
    It's not his looks that control that but rather whats inside his heart. And if he is behaving this way, his got an ugly inside that outside looks cannot compete with.

    Why would you settle for a man who is ugly on the inside in order to be with him because he's so called good looking on the outside?

    It really boggles my mind.

    Do you deserve this? Did you ever deserve this? NO woman or person ever deserves this kind of treatment and there is no excuse what so ever.

    At the end of the day, people who cheat and behave like this are lacking in many things. Respect, loyalty, morals, self control, decency.
    He has treated you like dirt.
    He has no right to be staying in romantic contact with any woman, whether it's a fling or 10 years! It goes to show what a piece of garbage he is.

    You need to start seeing things from a different perspective. Get your self esteem and self worth back.

    This man is not worthy...all he deserves at this point is a divorce.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Are you most threatened by her being able to get into his wallet if she so chooses?
    You only really seemed bothered because he's willing to set up jobs and opportunities for her.
    Sorry to be blunt but is this about being scared that he's syphoning off resources or will?

  9. #18
    Platinum Member superfan's Avatar
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    My husband is a good looking guy. He's also got an accent that women flock to. He would never cheat and if he did I would be out the door.

    Looks are no excuse. He's a loser.

  10. #19
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    You don't think having oral sex with another woman is having a "real" affair? Ridiculous! Stop making excuses for him and minimizing what he's been doing. He's definitely been having a REAL affair. Leave him. This was not a one time event, an accidental screw up. The fact that they have broken up and got back together over the years shows he made the choice to betray you over and over and over. This isn't an accidental screw up. It's a lifestyle for him. It shows his complete lack of character. He will NEVER be faithful to you. Dump him.

  11. #20

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    Being promiscuous is not for me - I would never cheat on him. And I honestly think that an inordinate amount of status, be it beauty, intelligence, or wealth, allows people to live outside of the rules of regular society. The tree huggers of the world obviously will disagree, but this is not the point of my post.

    I have posted to understand the dynamic behind this one affair. Am I making too much of it by thinking he’s emotionally involved with her? Because if it’s just sex, I can live with it. But if he has feelings for her, I’d have to reassess our entire marriage.

    Please spare me your outrage at my reasons for staying married to him. I know they’re not mainstream. But while I appreciate different perspectives, my main reason in posting is to understand if it is normal for a sex-only affair to last for 10 years.

    And yes, we have children. 2 boys in 4th and 5th grade. He’s a wonderful and present father.

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