Partner thinks my brother and wife are the "favourites" in family

Hey everyone, would really appreciate some advice.

My partner thinks that my brother and his wife are my parent's favourites and are the focus of their attention, and she is becoming upset and getting angry with me because of it. I, however, don't necessarily agree and have always felt very close to my parents and never really felt that my brother was the "favourite" when I was growing up, or even now that we are older (me 28, brother 31). As a result, when I have been trying to calm her worries or find solutions or help explain/rationalise some of their behaviours she has been getting very angry and annoyed with me, but I feel like I can't put my parents down in support of her, or vice versa.

Recently, my brother and wife have been doing some quite big exciting things, like moving into/decorating a new home and expecting a baby. My mother loves babies and decorating/home improvement is a big hobby of hers, so naturally these are topics that she is really interested in discussing, both with my brother/wife/dad and with myself and my partner. My partner, therefore, feels that all my mother talks about is what my brother/wife are doing and she feels that she isn't interested in what we are doing (my dad is a quiet guy so I don't think he is much of a problem in this issue). Recently, my partner was between jobs so spent a lot of time alone with my mother during the day and she would often say to me that she felt that whenever she brought up a topic with my mother that she would often use my brother/wife as a point of reference or compare our situation with my brother/wife. In addition, we recently got engaged and have started planning our wedding and while I actually quite appreciate thinking about my brother's wedding to understand things like cost/guest lists etc, my partner feels that nothing will ever compare to their wedding because she feels like my family won't care about it.

I keep trying to think about the best way to help her through this problem, making suggestions and trying to see things from both sides, but I keep failing to help her and she is getting very angry and stops speaking to me for long periods. I'm generally not very good at dealing with strong feelings, I'm a very calm, quiet person and don't tend to get upset about things very often so in many respects I think I help by being positive about everything but also probably can be annoying to someone who gets very emotional like my partner.

For the record, I can see where my partner is coming from, my mother does talk about my brother/wife a fair bit but not all the time and I think she is just really excited about what they're doing, especially the baby (her first grandchild). She also is very interested in my partner - we are doing a bit of long distance recently whilst I finish my contract with my job before moving down to where my partner has started a new job (2/3 months), and my mother always asks every few days e.g. "how is she doing?", "what has she been up to today?", "is she making friends at her new job?", things like that. I know my mother likes her, and is interested in us, but I'm really struggling to get that across to her without her getting annoyed or angry at me.

I might not have explained this very well (not good at talking about feelings!). I really want to help her feel better about this but the last thing I want to do is drive a wedge between my family and her by being too aggressive about things. Any advice you can give would be really appreciated, and if you want me to explain things more just ask!

Thanks so much!

It's funny how life is really , all of a sudden with the blink of an eye , you find yourself in your 50's with no one , no grandparents , no parents , aunt and uncles dropping like flies , not enough to even fill a small room and all of that ..your thread , is meaningless , all you have left is memories and the hope that you treat every one well and with love and kindness .

But that is more what I would say to your partner not you , you seem to be the nice guy caught up in it all .

Honest I would stop trying to make it right , does your partner not have her own parents ?

Your mum is going through a wonderful time and is allowed to , this is her first grandbaby and she can throw herself into it as much as she wants to .

The only one thing is , I would have gently asked your mum to try and quit the endless chatter about them to your partner , with kindness might I add .

What is the real issue here? Certainly your partner can't be upset about whatever sibling rivalry she believes exists. They are not even her parents and all of this has nothing to do with her. It sounds like she is jealous of the life your brother and his wife have because they are married, starting a family and have a nice home, had a nice wedding, etc. Why is she so insecure? Is this a same-sex relationship?

What's wrong with her family? Are they poor or estranged? Why can't they help with the wedding if she wants all the extravagance? She sounds immature, materialistic, difficult and moody. You'll never reason with her because the green eyed monster is too large.. And she already hates your family and views things through her envious, drama queen lens. Is it too late to call things off? She will create misery in your life and create a scene at anything that has to do with your family.

My partner thinks that my brother and his wife are my parent's favourites and are the focus of their attention, and she is becoming upset and getting angry with me because of it. my brother and wife have been doing some quite big exciting things, like moving into/decorating a new home and expecting a baby. have started planning our wedding my partner feels that nothing will ever compare to their wedding because she feels like my family won't care about it. she is getting very angry and stops speaking to me for long periods.

Is she close with her own family?

It sounds like she is very focused on planning the wedding reception and not so much focused on planning the marriage so with that mindset she is seeing this as a competition. If she were focused on her wedding vows to you and you two as a future married couple then how they party planned would be a help for the secondary part (if that - I think it’s lower priority than that )of getting married- the way you celebrate the marriage with other people if you choose to.

Your mother probably is more focused on your brother. I didn’t like when I was single and my mother was more focused on my sister’s life - married mother of several children - and in truth I think she’s always paid her more attention.

But you know what - that’s life and I wouldn’t try to convince your fiancée she is wrong - simply tell her “I don’t agree and even if it’s true my mother is more focused on their lives right now because of all the exciting changes. She is a great person and mother and is human and doing her best. She cares a lot about us too.

If she can’t be an adult and accept that and continues to be so focused on party planning rather than marriage I’d seek some counseling (couples).

Your mother probably is more focused on your brother. I didn’t like when I was single and my mother was more focused on my sister’s life - married mother of several children - and in truth I think she’s always paid her more attention.

That reminded me bats of my earlier days , my brother got married and had 4 kids before I had even had a relationship longer then an hour But I was focused on my career and didn't mind at all ....my own sad thought is probably more later down the line , he had my mam and dad and all the family to celebrate all of this with him and now they are all gone ...but it was my choice how my life went .

She needs to know the seriousness of the matter. I'd tell her: I'm not going through life with a partner who goes long periods of time without speaking to me. I'm happy with how I'm treated by my parents. It's you who is the one who is stressing me out because of your take on things. We need to get pre-marital counseling to learn to deal with problems in a way that's constructive, not toxic.

If she refuses, you should reconsider if this is the life partner you really want. You only have one precious life on this planet. There are no do-overs.

I don't understand why she is getting angry at you and not speaking to you over this? It sounds like your parents treat her nicely and include her - what all is she expecting? To be doted on constantly? Is she jealous for some reason?

Yes. I was lucky that by the time I married and had a child my parents were still alive. My mother still is. And my sister got divorced right before I got married so we weren’t ever married at the same time ironically

If her go-to is to stop speaking to you for long periods when she doesn't get her way...that doesn't bode well for a long, happy and respectful marriage.

Of course you parents are going to be over the moon about the baby. That's normal.

I agree, the bigger issue is that she gives you the silent treatment. I suggest counseling ASAP or the wedding doesn't happen

She needs to know the seriousness of the matter. I'd tell her: I'm not going through life with a partner who goes long periods of time without speaking to me. I'm happy with how I'm treated by my parents. It's you who is the one who is stressing me out because of your take on things. We need to get pre-marital counseling to learn to deal with problems in a way that's constructive, not toxic.

 

If she refuses, you should reconsider if this is the life partner you really want. You only have one precious life on this planet. There are no do-overs.

I agree with the counseling. She sounds very insecure.

She sounds like a high maintenance princess to be honest... at least that's how you've made her sound to me. I like Pippy's advice and I think you would do well to follow it and if your partner doesn't grow up, then yes... if you're going to marry her, pre-marital counseling is probably in order. Do tell your mom to cut down(not eliminate altogether though) on making your brother and his wife the focus in her company is also a good compromise

Your family dynamics are none of her business. She isn’t entitled to an opinion or to try and meddle in your family affairs. The fact that she pouts and throws tantrums because she isn’t the center of attention with your parents is beyond ridiculous.

The consensus among pediatric experts is to ignore temper tantrums and reward only positive behavior with attention. Since wife is acting like a toddler, I'd carry on with daily life, speaking with her as necessary, ignoring the tantrum. I'd let her grow out of this on her own, and if she raises it again, I'd suggest that since she's the one who perceives a problem, she's also in charge of managing it. She can let me know if there's something I can do to help beyond compromising my own relationships with my own family.

Thanks everyone, I think you've all given me really useful advice.

I'll definitely try be a little more direct with her and remind her that my family might not seem perfect to everyone but IS important to me and she needs to respect that. I'll see how see feels about counselling, and I'll also see if I can gently ask my mother to tone it down a little.

You are a really helpful bunch here!