Workaholics girlfriend - please help!

Hey, I am struggling to make sense of my situation and would be really grateful for your thoughts.

Me and my girlfriend have been together for 5 years. We live separately. About 2 years ago she got a job at a very prestigious financial firm where she started working crazy hours. She has since moved to one of its competitors to work and continues to work the same crazy hours. She is in a senior position and is very well paid which is why I understand the hard work she needs to do.

However when I say crazy hours I mean finishing at 9pm would be an early finish and anything before that would be very rare! She typically finishes at 11pm to 1:30am - everyweekday. I do tell her she’s going to get burnt out but she genuinely loves what she does, and I can tell.

THE ISSUE:

She doesn’t like making plans with me as she is at the mercy of her superiors and may have to cancel last minute without warning - which happens often for example we went for a weekend break away and she spent 75% working instead of spending tome together which we planned.

She says I can see her on the weekends when she tries not to work but I don’t think that’s compromising as that means I cannot have plans in the weekend with others as I will not get to see her until the following weekend.

My ideal situation is to see her at least once mid week and on the weekend, that way we can space the time we see each other as otherwise it’s every 5 days before I can see her. I have had instances where I wanted to spend time and see her mid week but she’s unavailable which I find difficult.

She says there is nothing she can do until they get more staff which hasn’t happened in either of the two firms she’s worked for in the last 2 years.

I know I am second to her career which I sometimes find difficult as I never know when we will next meet (other than the weekends). I admire her ternacity and work ethic - but feel a lack of balance is adversely impacting our relationship.

Am I being unreasonable not wanting to limit our relationship to a weekend? Is there anything we can do to improve the situation?

Thanks for your help on this.

She typically finishes at 11pm to 1:30am - everyweekday. .

I hate to ask this, but ...... are you sure she is at work?

No, you are not being unreasonable for wanting a more balanced relationship, but it seems the way things are heading (her being a "workaholic") this relationship will not give you what you want or need. Maybe time to re-think your relationship?

Unfortunately it sounds like you're incompatible. You acknowledge that she loves her work and works many hours. It seems like an impasse because she does clear weekends for you, but you 'want to see others and do other things weekends' and want to see her weekdays when she is clearly not available.

Sounds like a power struggle. Does she make a lot more than you? It seems you want to undermine her job and insinuate she should work less and give her a hard time about clearing weekends for you (when you want to see others) and again insisting on weekdays when you know she's not available. Maybe it's time to reflect and consider that you may be happier with a m-f 9-5 woman and she may be happier with someone more flexible.

she genuinely loves what she does.

-She says I can see her on the weekends when she tries not to work but I don’t think that’s compromising as that means I cannot have plans in the weekend with others.

-I have had instances where I wanted to spend time and see her mid week but she’s unavailable which I find difficult.

Yes, she’s definitely at work as I know her colleagues who also work those hours with her - they are all single though. If she’s not st work she is working insane hours at home.

I completely disagree in fact it’s quite the opposite. I’ve never told her not to go to work even when we are on holiday and she’s working most the trip.

I am questioning if it’s reeasobable for her to do that. Whether it’s also reasonable to only see her on the weekends, meaning I can’t make plans with anyone else on the weekends otherwise we won’t see each other. I am not saying not meet on the weekends, just not exclusively on the weekends as I have my own commitments too - hence the suggestion to compromise and see mid week and weekends perhaps Wednesday and Saturday or something like that. I don’t know the answers which is why I made the post as I’m interested in what non invested people think of the situation.

Ultimately I feel relationships are about compromise. She said she’s free weekends I’ve asked to meet a day in the week - I think we should meet in the middle - just wanted to run it by others as currently feel everything is on her terms.

If that's the only time she has off it's not about "reasonable" or not it's about compatible or not. Why can't you do whatever you want with your friends and others whenever you want? So what if you miss a weekend? Your relationship can't survive that?

It seems you want to keep debating this with her. It's either don't see her on a weekend when your "other" plans, people, etc are happening or reschedule or find a simpler gf, who is home by 5 everyday and has no work obligations past 9-5, m-f. Weekday nights are not an option with this gf, so why beat a dead horse? Just do what you want weekends with your "others".

There's no rule that you rigidly must see each other on no less than 5 days apart and it must be one weeknight and one weekend night. Do you have child custody or some other pressing scheduled thing weekends that precludes you from seeing her?

Whether it’s also reasonable to only see her on the weekends, meaning I can’t make plans with anyone else on the weekends otherwise we won’t see each other.

I can see where you are coming from and appreciate your response - however it’s more a question of if we are not seeing each other for two weeks at a time if I can’t make a weekend then what’s the difference between having a gf and being single as we rarely see or speak.

The issue with the weekends is that I have a life too and my friends and family aren’t always around on the weeekdays likelywise I play sports in the weekend. None of which she can do with me as when I see my friends which isn’t that often due to general life then we tend to have 1 on 1 time to catch up.

Last week she had a friend over for the week d so didn’t see her as she was having girl time.

I feel not seeing your gf that often defeats the purpose of being in a relationship- I am very independent and am happy with seeing her twice weekly.

You're very incompatible. Your schedules conflict and it's difficult for either of you to be able to or want to make time for each other. The sooner you see this, the happier you'll be.

what’s the difference between having a gf and being single as we rarely see or speak.

I dont see this working long term for you, she is a true workaholic and her job comes first. It stinks for you, but she has her priority which is her work. She doesnt seem willing to bend at all to see you more often and perhaps she truly cant make more time for you. You will probably have to rethink this down the road...if not sooner.

I had this lifestyle and was not a workaholic. I was ambitious and wanted to pay off grad school loans and build a nest egg. And I wanted sophisticated work at prestigious firms. I also did volunteer work for much of that time. I did both and wow was it worth it - the financial security of knowing I could be home full time with my child for years and not have to worry about money - knowing when I went back I didn’t have to go back to working crazy hours or unpredictable hours. And I didn’t. Because I’m not a workaholic. I still work really hard between part time job and taking care of our school age son - I love working in my field again and I love not having crazy hours.

During the 18 years I had crazy hours in grad school and then 15 years of working I mostly dated men with similar schedules. I was single for most of those years. Who were not workaholics- they understood how it worked and how stressful and unpredictable it was and that of course I was at work or working.

But I always made time during the week. Sometimes a quick dinner or just working from home with him there so we could take breaks and cuddle and hang out some. I did my best not to work the whole vacation of course or even most of it. On weekends I did my utmost to be available both weekend nights and hopefully more. It was really stressful and challenging. Some men bailed but always early on - lots of compliments about my work and ambitions and when the reality of tentative plans hit they weren’t up for it. No harm done. I had relationships with terrific people. I met my husband through work. I met others in other ways. I did have stuff going on other than work (volunteer work, friends, social activities, religious activities) so if your girlfriend doesn’t that could get to be an imbalance for her and not work as far as her being a well rounded person. There is a way to balance and labeling her as a workaholic just because she chose one of these crazy jobs is unfair.

To me a workaholic is someone who chooses never to stop working because of a compulsion that is not related to the actual work or job or her passions - it’s a disorder. Of course people labeled me and people like me who worked for firms like that as “workaholics” - it’s easier to be negative and generalize than take the time to treat people as individuals. She may not be for you but my sense is she’s not presumably a workaholic.

I'm not a "workaholic", but I must do some form of work 7 days a week. I go to work sometimes at midnight and other times I have to be there until 8 pm. It's just the nature of the job. I accepted the promotion and knew what I was getting into.

She is not working so much "at" you...she is meeting the requirements of the job. Whether or not you think it's "reasonable" doesn't even factor in. I hope you didn't tell her she's "unreasonable".

If you want a girlfriend who is more available you'll have to look elsewhere. There is no magic solution where she can suddenly be more available, not now anyway.

I think you need to accept her as she is. It sounds like she is a Type A personality and it is a part of her. She's ambitious, driven, and thrives on having a demanding and challenging job. This drive and dedication is not something she can change without completely compromising herself, and honestly, she shouldn't have to change herself to suit you. You are just not compatible. You want someone who makes your relationship a priority, who needs a good work/life balance. She is not the one to fit into the lifestyle you really want. Stop wasting time with her and find someone who wants the same kind of lifestyle you do, who doesn't have to change to make you happy. Find someone who doesn't make you feel like you always come in second.

I know what you are going through. My boyfriend works ALL THE TIME. I often have the same thoughts as you. It sucks because you think well if we don't see each other well then we won't breed the familiarity we need to develop a long relationship. You are perfectly right to question this situation. If you see her staying like this long term well then I suggest you move on. You need to protect your happiness long term.

I agree with the points made by Batya and boltnrun.

A workaholic is someone who lives to work, not works to live. They're someone who purposely chooses to work when they don't have to, as opposed to someone who doesn't have this option but continues to work anyway because it's the general nature of the job and it's expected of them.

Does your girlfriend have the option of working less? Does she know you feel this way?

It doesn't really sound like she has a choice in the matter and is working these late hours because she has deadlines to meet. Therefore, I wouldn't label your girlfriend as a workaholic since I'm assuming she isn't working these crazy hours by choice.

Unless she has the option of cutting back hours, which I highly doubt, it sounds like you either have to accept her demanding work schedule, or find someone who has more time to spend with you.

It sounds like she has quite the high pressure career, so I'm glad to hear that she likes it. I couldn't imagine working those types of hours and not enjoying the job.

Who cares whether or not the word is a fitting descriptor?

The point remains the same: OP and his gf have different desires in their relationship. OP wants more. His SO cannot provide it.

Semantics are irrelevant - unless there’s line of sight to this changing, their situations aren’t compatible.

Well I think some of us are referring to the term 'workaholic' and what it means because it implies that his girlfriend is choosing to work these late nights, which we realize does not appear to be the case once we read the OP's post.

Hence why I asked in my previous post whether she has a choice in the matter regarding her hours. I don't think OP has said anything about this. Seems to be implied that she has to work the long hours and it's not by choice.

If the OP's gf has to work these hours, he doesn't really have any other choice other than to accept the way things are or move on.

I don’t think anyone’s arguing about semantics here.

But would luv to hear back from you on this, OP. Does your girlfriend have a choice in the matter?

Again, doesn’t matter if she has a choice or not. If she had a choice, she’s made it. If she doesn’t, she’s made a de facto choice by remaining there. Again, bottom line: different relationship goals.

I think it does matter because if she's choosing to work these hours, it should be clear to the OP that her job takes priority above their relationship.

But, it doesn't sound like she's wanting to work these crazy hours.

That said, if it isn't by choice, the OP should consider whether these hours are just temporary or long-term as well before he decides what to do.

I work some crazy hours too and I know it will always be this way (and it’s not by choice). But looking at it from the OP's girlfriend's perspective, I can't imagine losing a great relationship because of my career. One of the qualities that I look for in terms of dating is someone who is supportive and understanding when it comes to the demands of my job.

I'm not judging you, OP. We all have our needs and wants and if your needs aren't being met in your relationship, I can understand why you would want to move on.

Just providing some food for thought.

What you want from a relationship is reasonable, but that doesn't mean GF will give it to you. You can try asking and bribing, but whether GF views her work schedule as voluntary or mandatory, it doesn't appear that she's willing to make any long range changes.

You get to decide whether the limits of this relationship are enough for you, or not.

I think often women who work at these kinds of jobs (as I did) are accused of being workaholics or prioritizing career over relationships far more than men are in the same situation. My career was a top priority - so was my relationship with my boyfriends. So I selected carefully. And sure sometimes the career took priority -just like the boyfriend did the same. No, I wasn't going to risk losing my job for my boyfriend unless it was an emergency (and yes for family emergencies (I had no children at the time) I left work in the middle of the day or whatever was needed)).

The "priorities" thing gets to be a lot of quibbling sometimes because it's so subjective. My husband left on a 4-day business trip when our son was 3 weeks old and I'd had an emergency life threatening medical condition the week before and i wasn't feeling well again and scared. He had to go or he'd have lost his job -or nearly lost it. Did he "prioritize" his job over me in that situation. Yes. Did I understand? Yes -took me a bit but, yes - because he knew I had people I could call if it was more than me being scared I was getting those scary symptoms again. Thing is from the time we met we each knew how important our careers were to the other - and we each knew the other was not a workaholic. And we each accepted it. Accepting doesn't mean being happy about it all the time. It just helps in resolving the frustration, etc.

Many people view their jobs as just a job, a way to make money to put food on the table, and they work set, full time hours and do not think much or at all about work when they leave. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that and probably a whole lot right with that - I had jobs like that in my teens and early 20s. Find someone who feels that way because your girlfriend does not or she would never have accepted this job.