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Thread: How did you get your life together after the Narcissist

  1. #1
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    How did you get your life together after the Narcissist

    Hello
    Ive been away for a while. I do not blame anyone but myself in all of this, i am seeking to take back control of my life.

    He wormed his way back in, the ex. I worked on myself nd I was in a much better place, I had gotten over him.
    He begged and apologised and wooed me and wined and dined me. I opened up to him and allowed him in. We were not in a relationship but in a business partner/psedo - friendship arrangement and I was also a part time employee in his company. I helped with sales/ marketing. I was overworked and underpaid. We still flirted, people still thought we were a couple. I enjoyed being around him, secretly hoping that i would one day prove my use and loyalty. maybe we would get back together since we have such "chemistry".

    As with every narcissist, it was an unequal relationship. Bonding like crazy, talking about his childhood one minute, dinners, dates, compliments and flirting. The next moment, being called a , s**T , shouted at over the phone and in public, being ignored, silent treatment, sabotaging my business deals, constantly being on edge, shifting goalposts, being distant. Over time, his hatred of me was palpable. I was not allowed to have opinions. My company lost money as all my energy, time and attention was siphoned into His . I was drained .

    I knew i was in trouble and I started planning my exit.I started studying about narcissistic abuse and codependency and I wanted out. What was my part in this? It felt wrong being treated like this, standing up for myself brought more punishment . I felt too powerless to do anything abut it.
    One day I uncovered a lot of lies in his personal life/ a criminal past / GBH/ Prison sentences for serious crimes i knew nothing about/ and that he had stolen some of my intellectual property. He said he did it so " to have a one up on me" . I was accused of " not the kind of woman that can be controlled" I was discarded- and happily so. i started doubting myself again. Am I over reacting? Am I seeing things that weren't there? Did i push him?

    I blame myself for thinking That by allowing him in and being open, I could prove my loyalty and he will reciprocate . I still loved him and had this fantasy of us being a "power couple" running successful businesses side by side. fantasy. i was called every name under the sun.He said he had gone beyond hate to not feeling anything for me- i doubt he ever did. He said his goal was to completely destroy me. I was shocked and bewildered. I was physically shaking for days.

    Today- ive been sick every month this year , migraines, throwing up, flu- no energy i feel like I'm floating through life. My spark is gone. My business is suffering. i feel like my insides have been scooped out.

    I haven't been able to get myself back.

    Im still in therapy, but i feel its slow . I need action- i need it now.

    I keep getting images of how to end it and some part of me has planned it in my head.
    I know I wont act on it- I'm still processing the shock and bewilderment.
    I let the monster back in and now I'm bleeding to death.

    ive blocked him on every platform, he says i owe him money for his contribution to my venture. I was left broke- too broke to hire a solicitor. there might be a court case pending.

    Please dont bash me over the head with how silly I have been- I know this. I know.. It takes someone of incredibly low self esteem and worth to get entangled in this.
    I feel like the walking dead. I need help.
    Last edited by Cocoapetal; 11-24-2018 at 05:47 AM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Read up on sociopaths. Get therapy to improve your self esteem and guide you through it all. Recover what is yours and block and delete him as well as stop working for or doing business with him. Get an attorney and sue him for the intellectual property theft. Do you have copyrights, patents or trademarks on it? Don't be passive or continue to feel like his victim. Take action and get help.

    Is this a coworker, business partner or a bf?
    Originally Posted by Cocoapetal
    We were not in a relationship but in a business partner/ friendship arrangement and I was also a part time employee in his company.

    I uncovered a lot of lies in his personal life/ a criminal past / GBH/ Prison sentences for serious crimes he had stolen some of my intellectual property.

  3. #3
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    He was an ex who i had no contact with for months. He said he was separated from his childs mother,.. but i doubt so now. He came on strong and dumped me as soon as i let him in fully.
    we work in the same industry so we kept seeing each other at trade shows and events. we became business partners as we took on a joint lease and did some projects together. eventually, he became a partner in my company and I managed his sales.

    Ive cut off all ties. personal and business there is no contact.
    He still after everything approached me to work together again.
    Im building up my case as i have evidence of verbal harassment and that I am the rightful owner and creator of said property. HE registered my trademark in his name and has used this to blackmail me for months.

    What keeps hitting me in waves is the level of betrayal for someone who wasn't who i thought he was.
    I have to be an adult now and take responsibility.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It sounds like you had an affair with a married man and decided to go to work for him in his company. "Verbal harassment"? Please see an attorney and get your facts straight.

    He can't register anything that is already copyrighted, registered, patented, etc by you. If you don't have any evidence of intellectual property theft you don't have a case. If he's your employer you can see an attorney for sexual harassment, but you can't sue for an affair with a married man that went bad because you're hurt and angry, yet still hang on and choosing to work with him, be infatuated with him, etc...

    It's you who need to block and delete him and stop doing business with him. Go to an attorney if you have a case and to a therapist to help you set boundaries and make better choices. You could also use some business advice.
    Originally Posted by Cocoapetal
    He said he was separated from his childs mother. we became business partners as we took on a joint lease and did some projects together. I managed his sales.
    Im building up my case as i have evidence of verbal harassment and that I am the rightful owner and creator of said property. HE registered my trademark in his name

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    I feel your response is harsh and judgemental - its impossible to put the whole incident in a few paragraphs- ive also put the focus of the post on what I need to do to heal from this.... but for what its worth thanks for your input.

    It wasn't an affair with a married man, during when we briefly dated I had been to his place over weekends and he doesn't live with anyone, he lived alone and still does. He told me about - the mother of his child who he didnt live with and he convinced me at the time that there was nothing else between them except for talk of child and babysitting .

    I didnt "go to work for him in his company" as you have put it- we ran a few projects together and it made financial sense to pool resources and do it as a joint entity. Eventually i got roped into managing some aspects of his business - initially I didnt object. I objected when it prevented me from carrying out my own duties in my own venture. During our time in business there was NO physical contact.

    Im not suing for an "Affair that went bad" Im not suing at all- i just want my property back and to move on and rebuild my life.
    I think I would know when I'm being harassed, shouted at and called names. I think i would know when someone is flying off the handle and over reacting. you come off as very judgemental in this especially for someone who wasn't present when these incidents happen.

    Im not an arrogant or self-conceited person, I always like to put myself in the other persons shoes and apologise when I think I'm wrong. or have offended someone I wrote to him on numerous occasions asking how we could work together and if he could stop the name calling. I asked that we seek mediation to part amicably but he refused. I put myself through study and and therapy about codependency and my role in it. He's a narcissist, a self confessed one who calculated and plotted his way to destroy me- His words.
    You must realise that ppl like him are very skilled at manipulating and twisting situations and making you doubt yourself. everything I thought I knew about him was a lie, His age, date of birth, his brushes with the law.

    My property wasn't trademarked yet, i created and sold with it, we discussed it, mentioned id do it when the company gets bigger. He then goes behind my back and purchases the trademark to his own name.
    It worries me that if you read this situation like this, then others will too.
    I dont like feeling like i have to defend myself to you, I know what happened, and what ive been through Im just trying to pick up the pieces of my life and move on.
    You're entitled to your opinion as I am.
    Last edited by Cocoapetal; 11-24-2018 at 09:25 AM.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    My exwife isn't a tenfold narcissist but she does have traits. Covert/Altruistic Narcissist seems to cover it....

    I went through the Love Bomb, Devalue and Discard wringer as described in narcissistic abuse texts.

    I lost everything and I think the worst thing I lost was my identity. I did so much to try and make it work I lost my sense of who I really was as I morphed into what she wanted me to be....

    Another big loss was 90% of my community :-/

    It is difficult to recover from these types of relationships and yes they say there is much about ourselves as to why we attracted and went through it in the first place.

    14 months for me with breadcrumbs along the way and I'm still in quite a bit of pain.

    I've tried so many things.

    But the biggest part of your recovery will be to turn inwards, find your inner child, nurture that child, partner with yourself and begin the journey to self love and self care.

    Some channels that have helped me (on YouTube) are:
    Alan Robarge
    Melanie Tonia Evans
    Soul GPS
    Teal Swan

    I think the best audio book I bought (and I've bought lots!) is: The Journey From Abandonment by Susan Anderson.

    You also need to do your best to block this guy from your life although that will be difficult if there's going to be court involved.

    In the meantime, sleep and eat the best you can. Look for some meditation vids on YT and start incorporating that into every day. Stay off the alcohol. Drink plenty of water. Cry when you need to. Reach out for help.

    There's probably going to be some CPTSD here too. EFT can help with that.

    Hope this helps. Let us know how you're going.

    Carus*
    Last edited by Carus; 11-24-2018 at 09:43 AM.

  8. #7
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    Thanks for your Thoughtful Post.
    I listen to Lisa Romano, and Alan Roberge on Youtube every day while putting on my makeup and getting ready in the morning. It was Lisa Romano's YT videos that confirmed the funny feeling I was having in my gut.
    I will look into the others you have mentioned . Thank you very Much.

    Yes we had some joint friends and Ive had to back off from them too. I feel like I also have to remove the mental filter of his opinions from my mind.

    what worries me the most is that since we parted Ive been sick ALL the time . like every couple of weeks, ill get a debilitating migraine that causes me to spend the day throwing up and in bed and two days recovering. Its cost me money as ive had to cancel meetings. Drs have said I'm Fine. I think its a psychosomatic reaction to the shock and stress. Im in bed now sick again since wednesday.

    I know that I saw his traits but I thought if i was open and honest then there will be no need to feel like he had to hide himself from me. I wasn't at the receiving end of his anger and harsh words for a long time , i never thought it will be my turn on day ..my naivety I suppose. I thought maybe our relationship didnt work but business will as it was more straightforward. neither did.
    I had a stint of drinking every night, Im off the alcohol now.
    Thanks for your response xx

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Lisa Romano has some good 'Inner Child' meditation vids...

    Joe Dispenza is another good one I've come across recently....
    Originally Posted by Cocoapetal
    what worries me the most is that since we parted Ive been sick ALL the time . like every couple of weeks, ill get a debilitating migraine that causes me to spend the day throwing up and in bed and two days recovering. Its cost me money as ive had to cancel meetings. Drs have said I'm Fine. I think its a psychosomatic reaction to the shock and stress. Im in bed now sick again since wednesday.
    I would agree with that....Stress is the biggest killer and takes it's toll on your entire system....

    Somehow I didn't get sick per se, but I did have several nervous system and adrenal system breakdowns....

    Don't try to do too much right now ok. Just do what needs to be done and rest as you can.
    Originally Posted by Cocoapetal
    I know that I saw his traits but I thought if i was open and honest then there will be no need to feel like he had to hide himself from me.
    Yeh I relate to that...and they probably do hide themselves from us...for a while....

    Especially in the honeymoon or love bombing stage....But I think we all do that a little bit in the beginning....

    But in the long run they can't hide themselves from themselves and it won't matter what WE do....But I guess we can say we did what we could.....

    Be patient and kind to yourself*

    ((Hugs))

    Carus*
    Last edited by Carus; 11-24-2018 at 01:10 PM.

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    Was he married?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I think I would know when I'm being harassed, shouted at and called names. I think i would know when someone is flying off the handle and over reacting.
    You may "know" when you're being harssed, shouted at and called names" but unfortunately you don't know enough to get away and stay away from someone that does all that to you. THAT is why you should get therapy to help you understand your own worth. You don't value yourself enough, you don't have the emotional tools to maintain the confidence one needs to keep themselves safe from people (not just lovers) like your ex.
    You are finding constructive criticism to be "judgemental" when it's not.

    Get the help YOU need to be the best you that you can be and to get you in a good place where you love yourself enough to get away and stay away from people who you call "narcissistic" Anyone who you deem "narcissistic" should not be able to hoover you back for more just because the "chemistry" is good.

    You need help with your codependency more then what help you think you've gotten because you're still not "getting it" and you've not figured out what YOU need to do to get out of your dysfunctional way of thinking how relationships should work.

    Adding: You're allowing a mental abusive bully to dictate your well being to the point you are "sick" every other day. Get over your victimhood because as long as you continue to wallow in it and not look yourself and your emotional illness in the mirror so you can lean how to forgive YOURSELF, you will continue to suffer. It's time to stop your own dysfunctional patterns and do the work to be the best you can be with the help of a professional. Enabling dialogue will do nothing to get YOU out of the dysfunctional patterned thinking you have engrained.

    What was your childhood like?

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