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Thread: How did you get your life together after the Narcissist

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    You may "know" when you're being harssed, shouted at and called names" but unfortunately you don't know enough to get away and stay away from someone that does all that to you. THAT is why you should get therapy to help you understand your own worth. You don't value yourself enough, you don't have the emotional tools to maintain the confidence one needs to keep themselves safe from people (not just lovers) like your ex.
    You are finding constructive criticism to be "judgemental" when it's not.

    Get the help YOU need to be the best you that you can be and to get you in a good place where you love yourself enough to get away and stay away from people who you call "narcissistic" Anyone who you deem "narcissistic" should not be able to hoover you back for more just because the "chemistry" is good.

    You need help with your codependency more then what help you think you've gotten because you're still not "getting it" and you've not figured out what YOU need to do to get out of your dysfunctional way of thinking how relationships should work.

    Adding: You're allowing a mental abusive bully to dictate your well being to the point you are "sick" every other day. Get over your victimhood because as long as you continue to wallow in it and not look yourself and your emotional illness in the mirror so you can lean how to forgive YOURSELF, you will continue to suffer. It's time to stop your own dysfunctional patterns and do the work to be the best you can be with the help of a professional. Enabling dialogue will do nothing to get YOU out of the dysfunctional patterned thinking you have engrained.

    What was your childhood like?

    I agree that I need to learn more and get more help in dealing with Codependency and MY role in it and WHY i allowed him in my life twice. I am also open to hear resources and books that my help me. My issue with the above poster is that he implied i was making up the verbal harassment, which for me was the worst part of the ordeal.

    Yes I do have dysfunctional patterns, we all have blind spots hence why I'm back in therapy. Ive been in and out of therapy since I was 16- I thought I was "done" but having him in my life and what happened over the last 3 years has shown me I'm not.

    Im willing to see and look and heal- hence why I started the Post saying I do not blame anyone in this only myself.

    My childhood- Please do not judge me. Im only here for constructive help.
    A little snapshot.

    I am the black sheep of my family. I grew up very lonely. By the age of 5 I was bald from pulling out my hair from anxiety . My father was a very successful business man, loud and angry. everyone tip toed around his anger and moods. My family was very image conscious.
    My mom was very openly rejecting of me. My sister was her doll and they played dress up. I preferred climbing trees and riding bikes. I never bonded with either of them. My family was one in which the whole house could be on fire and no one dared say a thing, everything was swept under a carpet.

    I never had my emotions validated by my parents. The opposite, I was constantly invalidated and told i was "making things up" or "over reacting" . I never felt seen/heard in my family. Ive never had an open heart to heart with any of my parents. It affected all of us differently, One sibling is an alcoholic and hasn't left the house for years, the other is functioning but has high narc traits and is the golden child. If i wanted something, I had the golden child ask my parents as they wont say no to her. I never really asked directly.

    I haven't unlearned all of this- not in the way I thought I had. I still have trouble asking for exactly what I want.

    By age 10 I was overweight and depressed, by 13, I was suicidal. Three suicide attempts between 16-19. I left home at 18, i was happier away from home. I trusted a man to walk me home when I was 19 and drunk and scantily dressed, he raped me. I restarted therapy because of this.
    Bulimia kicked in when I was 21, I got better about age 26, Im no longer actively bulimic but the depression/anxiety is still there.
    Im "book smart" but thats it- emotionally, I feel dead on a good day, but smile, and say the right things and i think fast on my feet. I dont feel deeply though. only pain. If you met me you might suspect as my eyes look glassy like I'm about to cry half the time. I genuinely like people but I dont know who to trust and who not to trust.

    i was drawn in by his intensity- i felt seen.

    Im not close to my family, I never have been.

    I want and need help- I know somethings wrong, but I just dont know what and how to fix this.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Adding further: If you are currently in therapy, please consider getting someone new, someone proficient in codependency issues and will help you change your ingrained (dysfunctional) patterns of relating and relationships. Someone to help you with your personal boundaries, self-worth and love of self.

    Good luck, hope with the right help, you figure it out.

    Read up on "nurturing your inner child" because clearly (so sorry to read) that you didn't get any nurturing as a child so you have to nurture yourself and the person you were as a youngster. Read and you will see what I am talking about.

    Forgive yourself, love you... learn to nurture, form good boundaries that you won't tear down to be with someone.

    I DO wish you well and hope that you learn to nurture your inner child so that you learn to love yourself and know that you are worth being loved.

    Be well <3

  3. #13
    Gold Member maew's Avatar
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    Iíve been in your situation OP... itís a long road to recovery. I took some dark turns to cope with my feelings of being bullied as a child and ended up married to someone that I chose to stay with despite how he treated me.

    My road to recovery has involved therapy yes but mostly continued actions on my part, every single day, that involve me taking responsibility for my life, not being a victim, not giving the bullies any more power, owning my part (and it wasnít just that I chose to stay I had my own behaviours that contributed to the madness) at the end of the day my life is mine and I get to choose how to live it. This is how you get over things like this.

  4. #14
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    Thank you Thatwasthen. Im considering a new therapist. My current one is great, I love her, but I feel i may be needing something else. I dont ever want to find myself in this situation again. I want to live.. i cant imagine continuing whilst feeling like this.
    I also dont want to keep getting sick as ive lost a lot of money from not working.
    I will read up on inner child work, I listened to Louise Hay for a while a year back. maybe I need to go back to it.

    Thanks for your input.<3
    Last edited by Cocoapetal; 11-24-2018 at 04:20 PM. Reason: spelling/ommsion

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cocoapetal
    Thank you Thatwasthen. Im considering a new therapist. My current one is great, I love her, but I feel i may be needing something else. I dont ever want to find myself in this situation again. I want to live.. i cant imagine continuing whilst feeling like this.
    I also dont want to keep getting sick as ive lost a lot of money from not working.
    I will read up on inner child work, I listened to Louise Hay for a while a year back. maybe I need to go back to it.

    Thanks for your input.<3
    You are welcome.. Here is a link (hope you can open it) that may help you get started on your own recovery.

    [Register to see the link]

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by maew
    Iíve been in your situation OP... itís a long road to recovery. I took some dark turns to cope with my feelings of being bullied as a child and ended up married to someone that I chose to stay with despite how he treated me.

    My road to recovery has involved therapy yes but mostly continued actions on my part, every single day, that involve me taking responsibility for my life, not being a victim, not giving the bullies any more power, owning my part (and it wasnít just that I chose to stay I had my own behaviours that contributed to the madness) at the end of the day my life is mine and I get to choose how to live it. This is how you get over things like this.

    Yes I hear you on the "continued action" I journaled today and wrote myself a new morning routine. I,e
    wake up 6am/ affirmations for 10 minutes. Workout/ shower/ breakfast/work.

    Some days Ive been up early but felt too drained to get out of bed, to be honest , i didnt create a structure for myself and I am struggling daily.
    I now have to create the structure that I need to live a fulfilling life. I have to take 100% responsibility.

    Ive spent a lot to days sick with a flu/migraine/throwing up.. I want this to stop so I can go back to normal.

    What are some examples of practical steps that you have taken?

    thanks

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    You are welcome.. Here is a link (hope you can open it) that may help you get started on your own recovery.

    [Register to see the link]
    Thank you, I found myself nodding along as I read this article. I need to find a therapist that specialises in codependency. Ill do some research.
    Thanks for your input xx

  9. #18
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    How did you get your life together after the Narcissist
    I avoided diagnosing him and victimizing myself. I chalked up my experience as a lousy one and decided what I wanted to learn in terms of actual life skills as opposed to carrying around my 'story' to keep myself small.

    Since we get to decide whether our experiences will strengthen us and make us wiser and more confident as we move forward, or whether we will stagnate and drill ourselves into a deeper hole to climb out of, I made it a private goal to surprise myself with my resilience and ability to bounce back to create a fabulous future for myself.

    We select the voice we run in our own head. It's a habit that we can't change unless we recognize what WE are doing with it. A coach at work said that it takes 21 days for a new habit to anchor into automatic behavior, so I opted to monitor and 'catch' my critical voice and switch it to one on an inspiring coach. It was the best, most effective life change I've ever made.

    To this day I notice my inner voice defaulting to little mantras like, "I can do this..." or, "I'll give this my best shot..." or cheesy statements like, "I love you, babe, we've got this..." I also make a deliberate choice each morning about what kind of day I intend to have.

    You body will play out your intentions. If you're telling yourself lousy things to fight against all the time you're making each day into an unnecessarily difficult climb, and your body will revolt against all that hard work. I'd consider using meditation to teach myself how to 'float'. I'd start opting to float through my days as an observer who inspires me with the same kindness and encouragement I'd give to a friend.

    If you can regard your highest intelligence as your friend rather than an adversarial judge and jury, you'll teach yourself how to thrive. No ex is worth withering over.

    Head high.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Adding further: If you are currently in therapy, please consider getting someone new, someone proficient in codependency issues and will help you change your ingrained (dysfunctional) patterns of relating and relationships. Someone to help you with your personal boundaries, self-worth and love of self.

    Good luck, hope with the right help, you figure it out.

    Read up on "nurturing your inner child" because clearly (so sorry to read) that you didn't get any nurturing as a child so you have to nurture yourself and the person you were as a youngster. Read and you will see what I am talking about.

    Forgive yourself, love you... learn to nurture, form good boundaries that you won't tear down to be with someone.

    I DO wish you well and hope that you learn to nurture your inner child so that you learn to love yourself and know that you are worth being loved.

    Be well <3
    Great advice.

    Good luck, OP!!!

  11. #20
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    I went through a relationship last year that I've written about on these boards, while not nearly as deep as yours, as there was no business connection, it had a profound lasting impact on me.

    So much so, that I've been giving serious thought to going back to school to get a psychology degree/certification with a specialty in Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

    These disorders are extremely hard for even trained therapists to diagnose, because they cannot diagnose someone they don't know, nor do they often recognize Cluster B disorders in their own patients, as the patients often wear masks, so they charm the therapists. So it's very difficult to treat not only the patient, but those they hurt/endanger.

    So the common advice is to say to stay away, block/delete, etc., but it's important to understand the root of why you are drawn to this, even knowing how bad it is for you, like an alcoholic sneaking a drink.

    I have so many sites bookmarked I'm losing laptop memory, lol. I've bought so many books, read so many articles, and seen so many therapists, I could print out ten thousand pages.

    What helped me? All of it. I can PM you with about a dozen resources that helped me, in addition to youtube videos, DVD's, you name it.

    One thing that helped me probably more than any of it was that I finally, finally, finally found a therapist who specializes in NPD, particularly in children of narcissistic mothers. There are literally only 2-3 in the U.S. Literally. I had to do a Skype session, as she was in another state. I felt such relief at being understood, being heard, being validated. We walked through ways in which I can deal with my own mother/other Cluster B personalities I have to deal with, as well as how to recognize these things sooner in partners and friends.

    When we grow up with this behavior as a model, we seek it to correct it. If only we can get our guy/our friend/our boss to treat us better, it will help heal the pain of our parent who treated us that way.

    Just know that you are completely normal, and that just the fact that you are reaching out for help means that you are growing, you are trying, you are learning.

    Have you listened to the podcast "Dirty John"? I just finished it, and while it has literally a crime scene as its ending (it's a completely true story), which is hopefully very different from your story, you will possibly find eerie similarities in your relationship. It's also going to be aired as an 8-part mini-series on Bravo starting 11/25/2018, or you can read the entire L.A. Times report. I spent 5 hours driving home for Thanksgiving, in a trance listening to this.

    Please PM me if you'd like to chat further.

    Edited to add: I just read about the issues with your parents. In Cluster B NPD parental situations, there is a triangle of Parent/Golden Child/Scapegoat child. It sounds to me, that you were the scapegoat child, made to take blame, whereas your sibling was the Golden Child, the perfect child. I'm not trying to diagnose you or your family! But this was precisely what happened in my situation, and understanding this has helped me immensely. The therapist I skyped with helped me more in 1 hour session than anything else.
    Last edited by LHGirl; 11-24-2018 at 05:56 PM.

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