How do I ever move on with life after drunk kissing my friend's husband?

I am absolutely horrified by what I did.

Me and my friend have been best friends for 20 years. Her and her husband have been married for 10 years. I also have a boyfriend of 2 years.

Last week, I went to her house for drinks. I had too many drinks. Far too many. It's the most I've ever drunk in such a short amount of time. I also hadn't eaten. I was so drunk that I don't remember the end of the night. I don't remember going to sleep on her sofa, I have no idea how I have tons of bruises, and worst of all, I don't remember kissing her husband once she'd gone to bed But apparently we did, a couple of times. I kind of remember laughing and saying 'this isn't ok' but that's about it. He initiated it and in the end I told him to go to bed, but obviously that doesn't make it better.

This is completely out of character and I feel so disgusted with myself - I've vomited numerous times. I have absolutely no feelings for him or attraction towards him of any kind and I never have before. I have literally no idea why this happened.

My friend knows everything and obviously hates me. I think she's going to work it out with him but I highly doubt that our friendship will ever recover.

I know I'm the one to blame so I don't expect any sympathy. But I don't know what to do. I'm so close to the edge it's unreal.

I've had a drink problem for years. Although I don't get drunk every day, I do drink every day and have done for the last 10 years. At the weekends I get drunk. Only my boyfriend knows this, no one else. But after this I've vowed to myself that I'll never drink again and I haven't done since.

I also suffer with anxiety. So the feelings (guilt, shame, remourse), along with the anxiety and quitting alcohol all at once is really difficult to deal with. I can't believe I have hurt her like this and I will never forgive myself. It's selfish to even talk about how I'm feeling in all of this, but I can't cope. I think the only reason I haven't hurt myself yet is my son. But I have no idea how to move on with my life. It feels like I don't want to. I brought this on myself, so I probably don't even deserve to.

Don't go it alone. There is a lot of help out there, even if you are a functional closet alcoholic. Most are. Check out rehabs. Get to a doctor for a physical and a therapist.

I've had a drink problem for years.

"I don't remember kissing her husband once she'd gone to bed But apparently we did, a couple of times. I kind of remember laughing and saying 'this isn't ok' but that's about it. He initiated it and in the end I told him to go to bed, but obviously that doesn't make it better."

If you don't remember it, then how do you know he initiated it? Either you remember it or you don't, and it sounds like you remember more than you want to admit.

But if it's true he initiated it, then stop taking FULL blame for it. What you did was wrong, but so was he for initiating it. HE'S the one married to her, that made vows to her and broke them. It sounds like he's a snake and odds are, this isn't the first time he's done this. Her placing all blame on you is her being in denial about the fact she's married to a snake.

You need to get into Alcoholics Anonymous or a similar organization. Clearly you have a serious drinking problem, even if you have managed to keep it closeted until now. Now you've lost a close friend because of it. It's time to deal with it.

How do you know that he initiated it? Did his wife tell you? You were both wrong so don't take the full blame for it. I feel that he is more to blame than you because he is the one that's married. And, yes, please seek help.

After this thing happened, my friend told me that she'd overheard him on an occasion saying to his friends that he found me attractive (I had no idea whatsoever) so she wanted to record him to see if he did anything about it. I've never done anything to make her not trust me, but I think she wanted proof if he did do anything. So that's how she knows and that's how I know he initiated it.

The fact that she wanted to record him and overheard conversations means she knew that he's a cheater. Also if he kissed you while you were so drunk you remember nothing, that can be considered harassment. Her husband is disgusting for taking advantage of a drunk person while his wife is sleeping.

Yes you didn't act right, but the blame isn't all on you. He's the one who cheated and tried to take advantage of you.

Now it's important that you finally get help for your drinking problem and therapy.

So she set you up and recorded it? That's really creepy IMO. She knows he's a creep or she wouldn't have set up this whole situation and recorded it. She's as culpable as he is for putting you in this situation. They've got a messed up marriage and she pulled you into it. I suggest taking a step back from both of them. You weren't a good friend, but she's not a good friend either if she set you up like that. In some states, her setting up this situation and recording it could be considered criminal. What if you two had had sex? I don't know where you're located, but in my state, it would have been criminal for her to record it without your knowledge and consent and she could go to jail for that. What if he had been drunk enough to ignore your rejection and raped you? While it's good to acknowledge and take responsibility for your own screw up, that was really messed up for her to set you up like that. Stop feeling so riddled with guilt and just work on yourself.

Wow. So I think if she is your friend for 20 years and saw you get drunk in her home enough to basically be asleep on the couch (no other more private place to stay) then she also knew you really weren’t capable of coming on to her husband. Certainly if you choose to drink you choose the consequences but if she’s your friend she should have taken care of you since you weren’t being aggressive - just sleeping. I suspect she wanted to test her husband’s fidelity and you were the pawn. I would take responsibility for your generally poor choice to drink so much, tell her you are seeking help so it never happens again and apologize for the terrible situation you started. Tell her you didn’t know what was happening enough to push him away but again you should not have chosen to get drunk in the first place. He owes you a big apology too!!

If your friend saw all this going on and was recording it, why didn't she STOP IT? She is no friend if she let this happen to you. Did she show you the recording? Are you sure she's not guilt-tripping you? Ask to see the recording so you can be sure it happened the way your friend says it did.

And, yeah, you need to work on all the issues you outlined, including your drinking. Limit yourself to one drink per day ONLY. And if you can't do that, then no drinks.

Does your boyfriend know about this "kissing" episode?

Oh my god what a couple of jerks!! (and that's a nice way of saying it!)....He was attracted to you, she knew it and set you up to see if you would take the bait.

He initiated and he was the one who did all of this. How can you be blamed at all?? This is not much different than being raped while you were too out of it to know better.

What's worse is, your "friend" is blaming you when it's her creep husband who did this.

Don't allow them to do this to you, you did nothing wrong. Yes, you drank too much, but that was your only mistake. You also trusted these people and had no clue how deceptive both of them could be.

I am so sorry you're going through this. I hope you are getting therapy in order to cope. You need to STOP the blame. You didn't do this!!

Change your focus, realize they both set you up and took advantage. You are the victim.

Stay away from them and do your best to heal from this.

I realize that losing a 20 year friendship is going to be difficult. But in truth, she wasn't your friend if she set you up like this. She also has serious issues with her husband and her marriage, neither of which are your fault.

Try to calm your mind, take back your power. Don't allow them to affect you like this. It's said and done. You were not the bad person in this scenario.

Stay strong and take care of yourself.

Consider attending AA meetings. There are likely several sites near you, so I'd visit each of them on different days throughout the week to get the support you need. Ask the facilitator to pair you with a sponsor. Make a 3 meeting rule, where you won't ditch a given site until after 3 meetings. They are all run differently, some are more spiritually based, while others barely touch there. So you'll learn your preference for the best group for you.

AA can help you use your story as your trigger for getting and staying sober. Your friend is beside that point. If she's been your drinking buddy for 20 years, she's not a great candidate to keep in your sober life, anyway. If she watched you get blasted and left you to fend off her untrustworthy husband, then she didn't exactly have your back--or your best interests--in mind.

None of this is about blaming the friend, but rather recognizing that you selected her to support your drinking life--and she did. That's changed, she helped to set up that change. She got out of that what she expected, and you got what you didn't expect. Now you get to decide whether you're on a new road today, or you're not.

Head high, and focus on 'you' right now. You'll thank yourself later.

The drinking definitely has to stop now. It's taking you to bad places. That's when you know it needs to be done for good.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply. It really has been so helpful and it's very much appreciated.

I feel like I'm in a better place than I was when I wrote my first message. I've also been sober for 6 days and will be attending my first meeting tomorrow, which I'm extremely nervous about but I know it's something I need to do.

Thanks again

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply. It really has been so helpful and it's very much appreciated.

 

I feel like I'm in a better place than I was when I wrote my first message. I've also been sober for 6 days and will be attending my first meeting tomorrow, which I'm extremely nervous about but I know it's something I need to do.

 

Thanks again

That is terrific!

Wait, you have a bunch of bruises? Did you take pictures of them? If not, although they’ve faded, take pics now.

Who knows what else he/they did to you. I wouldn’t have put it past her to have “helped” him.

Instead of waiting around to see how she “feels”, you unfriend and block them both.

Wait, you have a bunch of bruises? Did you take pictures of them? If not, although they’ve faded, take pics now.

 

Who knows what else he/they did to you. I wouldn’t have put it past her to have “helped” him.

 

Instead of waiting around to see how she “feels”, you unfriend and block them both.

She wouldn't have done that, I know she wouldn't. The bruises look more like I fell and/or walked into something - one of my knees is black and swollen (getting better now as it's been a week) and the other is on my hip. I remember dancing with my friend earlier in the night, maybe I fell at some point then, I don't know.

I thought I was starting to feel better but I'm not. I've not gone to work again today. I only went in one day last week and when I did I couldn't stop crying and kept needing to go to the bathroom to hide it. I took my son to school this morning then started to drive to work but broke down again and had to pull over. I sat on the side of the road for probably about an hour then came home. My boyfriend, who is off work at the moment, got angry and told me that I have to pull it together for my sake and his. I'm honestly trying my hardest - he's been so understanding and said he knows it was completely out of character and I don't want to hurt him any more. So I've been trying to keep smiling at home. But it's all I think about, all day every day. I don't sleep at night and it's the first thing I think of when I wake up. I don't have any other close friends. I'm not that close to my family, although my mum is being supportive. I don't think this can ever get better, I just don't see how. My friend's husband is back home with her, so that's good I suppose. But I'm due to start a new job in a few weeks and I'm thinking of quitting before I start. This is all my own doing and I'll never forgive myself. My mum keeps telling me it will get better with time but I just don't see how and I can't cope with that.

I think you need to stop beating yourself up about what happened when you were drunk and focus on the poor choice in getting drunk and how you plan to resolve your drinking problem/alcoholism so next time it's not more than bruises and an embarrassing situation for you. I'm sorry you're still so upset.

You seem to think that this event is upsetting you and that all you have to do is abstain from alcohol for a while.

However you are not going to a doctor for a complete evaluation and to assess underlying problems due to and contributing to alcoholism. You are not going to a sobriety treatment facility or support group. This issue is much larger than a drunk kiss and some guilt/regrets. Your life is unraveling because of alcoholism, not 2 crappy friends. If your bf drinks, you are going to have to evaluate that also.

You are completely ignoring the real problems that led to this and now going through alcohol withdrawal which is brutal and contributing to your depression, anxiety, insomnia, etc. Not this event. It seems you are in denial and think all these issues/symptoms are due to one drunken event. They are not. They are due to alcoholism. If you got help, you would know this.

I couldn't stop crying. My boyfriend, who is off work at the moment, got angry and told me that I have to pull it together for my sake and his. I'm honestly trying my hardest. I don't think this can ever get better, I just don't see how.

I plan on never drinking again. I haven't been to the doctor but I am attending AA meetings. My boyfriend doesn't drink at all, so that will help.

I really feel like the main problem is what I have done to my friend, how I have hurt my boyfriend and her, and the fact that because of it, I no longer have her in my life. It's all my fault and I have no one to blame but myself. She has always been an amazing, supportive close friend - we were more like sisters (I was closer to her than any of my brothers and sisters). I just can't believe I did this. As mentioned, I don't have any other close friends. I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm looking for sympathy - I'm not. I'm not even sure why I'm posting here to be honest, I just have no where to get this out and I don't know how to live with this hurt that I have caused. I know it can never get better because it can never be undone and life will never be the same again.

It's excellent that you started attending AA. Keep in mind that AA is a peer based support group. It does not address the underlying reasons for your alcoholism, or treat medical or psychological problems.

You are excessively focused and ruminating on this event, which is in the past and can't be undone. All you can do is block these 2 frenemies and focus much more on your psychological/physical health and sobriety.

The estimated recidivism rate for AA alone is up to 75%. With a multi-pronged approach, including one which addresses your obvious psychiatric issues of anxiety, depression, etc your success rate increases and you can eventually become healthy mentally and physically and maintain consistent work and be a model parent.

But you have to do a lot more than feel bad about the event and show up at a few AA meetings. Without addressing all the underlying problems many people become "dry drunks". Google it. You are already acting like that.

I plan on never drinking again. I haven't been to the doctor but I am attending AA meetings.

I agree with wiseman 100%.

You really do need medical help. It's great you are reaching out to AA! But please see a doctor.

I can't emphasize enough what a difference in your sons life you getting into the path of recovery would make. You haven't mentioned how it impacts him, but of course it does. And he's dependent on you. You can have this bright beautiful life ahead.

Cheering you on. You can do this. Glad your mom has your back !

Thank you.

But I feel like it's actually getting harder with every day. Not the alcohol cravings (well, those too), but the constant thinking about the hurt I caused and the fact that I now no longer have my friend because of it. All of my social life for the last 15 years has revolved around her and her friends. They aren't really my friends, they are her friends and family. They included me as part of her family because we've known each other since we were 13. But now she's gone, as have they, and they all hate me and they're justified in doing so. I don't make friends easily because I'm socially awkward as hell, so I was lucky to have her. And now there's no one. I still have my boyfriend but no friends.

I feel utter despair and hopelessness and I have no idea how to cope. Nothing can ever make this better. My mum keeps telling me that I have to be strong, and I'm trying, but I can't be any stronger than I am being. I can try to distract myself from it all, but the fact remains - I ed my life up and nothing and no-one can fix it. This pain feels unbearable and I don't know how much longer I can take it

Can you look into doing volunteer work, maybe with kids (some of whom might be socially awkward so you can even help in that regard?)

Please see a doctor for an evaluation and referral to a therapist to guide you. There are tons of resources for you to rebuild and recover. It sounds like you are on the verge of drinking again because you haven't treated any of the contributing or resulting problems from alcoholism.

Just want to drown your feelings and drink to soothe your nerves and social anxiety. Sadly you are not seeking help nor developing an environment for successful sobriety and a happy healthy life. You haven't hit rock bottom yet, because even though you lost all your friends and self respect you still have a bf and a job.

Many alcoholics need to get to that point to knock them out of denial and start getting help. When you loose what you have left to alcoholism, perhaps you'll reach rock bottom and get some help. Right now you still think it was one drunken mistake that had some consequences because that is easier to believe than having a serious medical/addiction problem.

-I feel like it's actually getting harder with every day. the alcohol cravings

- I ed my life up and nothing and no-one can fix it. This pain feels unbearable and I don't know how much longer I can take it