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Thread: My dating story, why you need to be an iceberg

  1. #1
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    My dating story, why you need to be an iceberg

    Several years ago I met a girl (Melony) through mutual friends at a party. Although I found her very attractive I was dating someone at the time so I did not pursue anything. I have since broken up with my girlfriend and have been single for the past few years. Itís been just casual dating as I havenít really met anyone that I wanted to devote my time to. About a year ago Melonyís name came up as a suggested friend on facebook so I added her. She accepted the request, and since that time we would converse every so often.

    We started communicating more in September, and finally got together on our first date in October. Our first date we went for pho soup and decided to take advantage of the nice fall weather and went to a museum. Since I paid for everything she wanted to take me out for a drink. I thought she meant on our potential next date, but she wanted to go that evening. We basically spent the entire night together laughing, conversing on multiple topics, and basically just having fun.

    Since then we have been texting each other throughout the day always engaging each other. A couple of weeks ago something changedÖwe went out for dinner on a Thursday night and discussed what was up for the weekend. She had a busy weekend coming up with clients coming from out of town. I had taken what she said about being busy on the weekend and wanted to give her some space. Normally we would text each other good morning or a funny meme to start the day, but when Friday rolled around I didnít receive a text. As the day continued there was nothing. In all fairness, I did not send anything either so I just sat back an observed.

    Now at this point I should make it clear that this isnít about being NEEDY, itís about patterns and behavior as the lack of communication was out of the norm. It was now Saturday afternoon and still no communication. I decided to send a text message:

    Me
    ďHey, I know your busy with your clients, just wanted to say hope the weekend is going well!Ē

    Melony
    ďStill at it! Iíll message you tomorrow.Ē

    I just left it at that. Sunday, I woke up and decided to meet up with a friend to go for a hike. I always find that being out in nature has a calming effect and allows you time to think. After our little excursion I dropped my friend off and picked up some flowers and a card. I kept the message short and simple, ďThinking of youÖĒ and drew a little character that was supposed to be her.

    As I was driving home I get a text message from her.

    Melony
    ďHey, just dropped off the clients at the airport now headed home, how was your weekend?Ē

    I took a few minutes to respond,

    Me
    ďGreat 😊Ē

    Melony
    ďWhat did you do?Ē

    Now that I knew she wasnít home I stopped at her house and placed the flowers and card on her front step and continued home. I didnít bother to respond to her text as I knew she would get the flowers and card and it would initiate a reaction. I got home and put some music on while I cleaned. Half hour later I receive a textÖ

    Melony
    ďOMG!!!Ē

    Me
    ď😊. BTW, I never said I was an artist.Ē

    This spawned a volley of text. She loved the card. We continued to communicate throughout the evening. The following week we went out a couple of times and everything was great, but I still felt something was a miss. Our communication had changed. At times I would send a good morning meme or message telling her to have a great day, and it would take time before I received a response. Again, this isnít about being needy, itís about observing behaviors. I found her to be less engaging. I canít say it was cold, but it was very nonchalant. At this point I decided to be more selective in my communication with her. It happened again where I did not text, nor did she. But eventually we touched base and made plans. We went out and as always we have a great time together. I asked how her week was and she said she it had been busy. I in turn said I could tell. We talked about somethings she was going through with work and her mom and told her if she needed to talk about anything I would be here for her.

    Over the past week the story has been the same where communication during the day or evening has been very basic and non- engaging, where Iíve been the one who initiates the conversation. I setup a date this weekend and we got together Saturday evening. As always, we had a great time talking about various topics and catching up on the weeks events. We did some shopping and went out for drinks, afterwards we ended up at my place. While watching a movie on the couch we began to fool around before going upstairs to my room. (Iíll let you fill in the blanks)

    Afterwards it was late and she didnít have any of her belongings with her to stay over so I drover her home at 3am. She setup a Sunday brunch date for the afternoon as she wanted to take me somewhere, and I agreed. The next day she messaged me and we setup a time for our date. I picked her up and we went to the restaurant but there was a lineup. I suggested we go elsewhere, but everywhere I suggested she didnít like. The mood was very light hearted and were joking around while trying to find another suitable destination. We ended up at some spot that wasnít really my cup of tea. I joked about the dťcor and some of the clientele. Iím not really into the hipster thing, and this place screamed hipster with $20 breakfast plates. Although we had talked about our past relationships we never got into it much. I find this kind of subject to be tricky as depending on how you respond will determine the notes that each person takes on each other. This can either be good or bad so I chose my words carefully.

    I asked what category her exís belonged in, hipster, jock, etc, as I consider myself to be stylish, wearing suits or business casual to work, but when Iím off Iím in jeans or my gym clothes. She gave me an analogy of a couple of her exís including the last guy she was with. She then asked what was the longest relationship I had since my ex. Now this is where I may have given to much information. She had told me how her recent ex and her had problems. She elaborated that he had kids but even though they knew each other prior to dating he never included her in any event or to spend time with his kids. Although she understood that it was his time with his kids, it wasnít like dating a stranger where she had figured things would progress more quickly and she would get introduced the his kids at some point. He would completely shut her out. Having a little boy myself I could understand the challenges when dating. My situation is different where my son lives with my ex and I see him on a regular basis, but still have time for my personal life.

    She had asked about my recent ex and I told her why it didnít work, but I may have given to much info. Before going into detail why the last girl I dated failed I said it may sound similar to what happened with her ex, but itís not the same. The last girl I dated was insecure about my ex, as we communicated regularly about our son and that is it. I explained how this girl could not see past her own insecurities and that itís what ultimately lead to me breaking up with her. At end of the conversation I told Melony I want to build something with her and Iím not interested in anyone else. Her response caught me off guard;

    Melony
    ďIíd like to build my career to the point where I can move anywhere in the world and work in a tropical location for a few months at a time if I so choose. You have another 10 to 15 years with your son where you would have to remain close to him. At the end of the day I donít have a crystal ball to predict the future.Ē

    Me
    ďI think thatís great and you should work towards the things you want.Ē

    Her response caught me off guard in some ways, but I didnít let it show that it bothered me. I didnít want to conversation to go to that place, not yet anyways as we are still very fresh, having only dated for a couple of months, but when you feel comfortable with someone it always feels longer then what it is. This was a reminder why in the dating game you need to hold your cards close to your chest, revealing little by little as you go. We got the bill and left the restaurant, but I couldnít help but feel put off by her response. Iíll have to take part of the blame for letting the convo go there but whatís done, is done. She wanted to go to another spot to have a tea, but I said letís skip it instead go back to my place. I dropped her off at home to get her car and she would go to my place afterwards. I went home and reflected on the discussion and put all the pieces together of the past couple of weeks in my head. In my mind it all began to make sense now. From what I can gather something changed, where she doesnít want to get in to deep with me just yet, and maybe ever.

    She arrived at my house with 2 bottles of wine and some food to make dinner. Even though I was still thinking about what had transpired, I didnít change my demeanor or let her know that her words were now on my mind. I opened the bottle of wine and poured her a glass. We put a movie on and when we both started to get hungry. Instead of cooking, I told her Iíll grab some take out instead. We ordered some food and finished the bottle of wine and started on the second one. It was starting to get late so I suggested we go upstairs. We went into my room and watched TV from there where it was more comfortable. While caressing her we began to kiss before taking each others clothes off. It was getting late and after chilling for a bit it was time for her to go home. I walked her out and told her to text me when she got home. She sent me a text saying she was home, and I texted back to say good night.

    Today Iím still thinking about her words, and what to do next. I will continue to keep my demeanor and wonít show that any of this bothers me, but I am taking a little step back in some ways. There is another girl at work who wants to go out for drinks, so I may take her up on her offer to take some of the edge off.

    This was my rant, but figure others who are in the dating game may gain some perspective on their own trials an tribulations, as the dating scene at times is like a ticking time bomb where you have to find the diffuse button in order to move ahead.

    Cheers everyone

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. It sounds like she can't handle guys with kids but is willing to hang out and date casually. Keep your options open.

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    Silver Member Jellybean9's Avatar
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    She is obviously in a different stage of her life than you are.

    You need to be settled with your son. She wants to get out into the world and live.

    To be fair doesn't necessarily mean she will travel and live somewhere tropical but it's a goal.

    She has shared that with you which is good for her to be honest. As she doesn't know where her life may go.

    I do think you are overthinking things slightly. Don't get so bogged down with the texting. In the beginning it is all about the "getting to know each other". Then once you do the frequency of text dwindles.

    Enjoy the time you are having with her. She is interested as she is making time to see you. Plus you said when you meet together it feels great.

    Maybe once it gets a little serious you could talk about futures and stuff.

    If you haven't said you are both exclusive then there is no harm in going for a drink with the other girl. Although when people ask me if they should... I always ask them how they would feel if the person they was seeing was to go on a date with someone else. If you wouldn't be comfortable with her seeing someone else then rethink going on the other date.

    Best of luck

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    Hey, Maxx. Lighten up. You're overthinking and over-analyzing this whole thing. A lot of Millennials have the fantasy of being able to work several months a year in a tropical climate and travel the world as well. I just read an article on this very subject. Maybe she did too. Heck, I would like that too. But it doesn't mean I'm going to leave my wife and my job.

    As for texting, she texts you back when she can. I assume she has work to do and a life to live. We tell people all the time on ENA that people expect too much from texting. You should not expect immediate answers! I don't even hear my phone go off a lot of the time. And texting is not an indication of how someone feels about you. (Unless they never answer your texts.)

    So stop having doubts. She sounds like a nice girl. She's having sex with you. All is well. Don't make trouble! And also, don't ask about previous boyfriends and don't volunteer information about previous girlfriends. You want her to feel like she's the only girl in the world, and you're shattering that illusion by forcing her to think about her exes. Think positively and stop doubting her.

    As for going out with another girl, are you trying to justify this by making up these doubts? Not cool.

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. It sounds like she can't handle guys with kids but is willing to hang out and date casually. Keep your options open.
    Thanks for your thoughts on this. I always welcome different opinions. I'm not sure my son is the issue as the time I spend with him has never really gotten in the way.

    Originally Posted by Jellybean9
    She is obviously in a different stage of her life than you are.

    You need to be settled with your son. She wants to get out into the world and live.

    To be fair doesn't necessarily mean she will travel and live somewhere tropical but it's a goal.

    She has shared that with you which is good for her to be honest. As she doesn't know where her life may go.

    I do think you are overthinking things slightly. Don't get so bogged down with the texting. In the beginning it is all about the "getting to know each other". Then once you do the frequency of text dwindles.

    Enjoy the time you are having with her. She is interested as she is making time to see you. Plus you said when you meet together it feels great.

    Maybe once it gets a little serious you could talk about futures and stuff.

    If you haven't said you are both exclusive then there is no harm in going for a drink with the other girl. Although when people ask me if they should... I always ask them how they would feel if the person they was seeing was to go on a date with someone else. If you wouldn't be comfortable with her seeing someone else then rethink going on the other date.

    Best of luck
    Thank you for your words. I'm an analyst by trade, so I do tend to over think things sometimes, but I go with the information in front of me. In this case I'm trying not to read into anything, but a change in a pattern can sometimes be an indication of something. Regardless of this fact my demeanor towards he won't change, but I have scaled by some of my communication with her. As far as dating goes, I get where you're coming from. The girl from work is more lust than anything else, but not the girl I see myself settling down with. The danger if we go out is that it will definitely turn sexual which can complicate things. I'm leaving for a week in December so it will give Melony some time to reflect and we'll see if the heart grows fonder in my absence...

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    Originally Posted by DanZee
    Hey, Maxx. Lighten up. You're overthinking and over-analyzing this whole thing. A lot of Millennials have the fantasy of being able to work several months a year in a tropical climate and travel the world as well. I just read an article on this very subject. Maybe she did too. Heck, I would like that too. But it doesn't mean I'm going to leave my wife and my job.

    As for texting, she texts you back when she can. I assume she has work to do and a life to live. We tell people all the time on ENA that people expect too much from texting. You should not expect immediate answers! I don't even hear my phone go off a lot of the time. And texting is not an indication of how someone feels about you. (Unless they never answer your texts.)

    So stop having doubts. She sounds like a nice girl. She's having sex with you. All is well. Don't make trouble! And also, don't ask about previous boyfriends and don't volunteer information about previous girlfriends. You want her to feel like she's the only girl in the world, and you're shattering that illusion by forcing her to think about her exes. Think positively and stop doubting her.

    As for going out with another girl, are you trying to justify this by making up these doubts? Not cool.
    What's up Danzee,

    You made some good points, and at times I may over analyse but we all do in some form or another. As for bringing up an ex, i agree nothing should have been said, but it was. Not the worst thing in the world and it didn't necessarily spoil the mood but in future I'll ensure it won't come up or at least by me.

    Thanks again

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    She doesn't want to date guys with kids based on her past experiences, her age, her aspirations and what she told you. Just chalk it up to incompatibility and life-stage differences.
    Originally Posted by MAXX
    She had told me how her recent ex and her had problems. She elaborated that he had kids.

    Melony:
    ďIíd like to build my career to the point where I can move anywhere in the world and work in a tropical location for a few months at a time if I so choose.

    You have another 10 to 15 years with your son where you would have to remain close to him. At the end of the day I donít have a crystal ball to predict the future.Ē

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    Silver Member Jellybean9's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MAXX
    Thank you for your words. I'm an analyst by trade, so I do tend to over think things sometimes, but I go with the information in front of me. In this case I'm trying not to read into anything, but a change in a pattern can sometimes be an indication of something. Regardless of this fact my demeanor towards he won't change, but I have scaled by some of my communication with her. As far as dating goes, I get where you're coming from. The girl from work is more lust than anything else, but not the girl I see myself settling down with. The danger if we go out is that it will definitely turn sexual which can complicate things. I'm leaving for a week in December so it will give Melony some time to reflect and we'll see if the heart grows fonder in my absence...
    Personally I would stay away from the work girl if it's just a lust thing. Let's also be honest work flings rarely end well.

    See how Melony behaviors when you are away for a week. Might show a different side of her.

    If it's not what you wanted. Get back out there and date again. There are plenty of girls who can fill that lust gap and not in your office lol

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. It sounds like she can't handle guys with kids but is willing to hang out and date casually. Keep your options open.
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    She doesn't want to date guys with kids based on her past experiences, her age, her aspirations and what she told you. Just chalk it up to incompatibility and life-stage differences.
    I don't think my son is the issue per say, but not ruled out. She already knew I had a son from the get go, so it is something else that is causing her to take a step back. Keep in mind my initial post wasn't a first date, we have been out plenty of times and it wasn't up until a few weeks ago her "pattern" changed. I'm aware it could be many factors as I know she has been somewhat stressed with her mom that could be contributing to this, or in the worst case there is another guy, or even losing interest, which would be odd since when were out were touchy feely and like a full on couple and still have intercourse.

    Originally Posted by Jellybean9
    Personally I would stay away from the work girl if it's just a lust thing. Let's also be honest work flings rarely end well.

    See how Melony behaviors when you are away for a week. Might show a different side of her.

    If it's not what you wanted. Get back out there and date again. There are plenty of girls who can fill that lust gap and not in your office lol
    Well here is the thing, and it is a catch 22. If Melony is truly taking a step back to figure out what she wants out of this, I'll respect and give her the space she wants, however, I don't want to waste any opportunities. That being said, I'm always weary about messing around with co-workers as things can go sour quickly. Sandra (the girl from work) and I had a chat yesterday as I've known her for a while and she pretty much came out and said sex only is fine, but I know how some women will say that but end up wanting more. Having another girl "available" takes some of the edge off. In any case I will hang back for now and observe what happens next before making any moves.

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    I don't think you're over analyzing at all. When you're close enough with someone to notice changes in behavior, pay close attention to it. More often then not, I find that your gut instinct is usually right. It does seem that maybe she isn't ready for a serious relationship right now and perhaps she is traumatized by her previous relationship with a man who had a child, that she feels like she has to distance herself from you out of fear of experiencing the same thing again. Maybe you should be honest with her and tell her how you feel and leave it up to her to decide how exactly she wants to proceed with this relationship. It's better to nip any problems in the bud then to let it fester as you develop more feelings for her, making things even more difficult for you. If you're able to work through it, then that's great! If she reacts negatively, then oh well, at least you were honest with her and you tried your best.

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