I felt that she only contact me if she needed something or someone to talk to

I am a male 32 years old. I got to know this female co-worker of mine. We became quite close and share our problems. We texted almost everyday. When she have problems, i am always the first person she would speak to. We always do crazy things together and she told me she loves being around me ( no physical contact was involved) . She also always tell me she likes me to be around her and said that i am her pillar of strength. She always asked me for advice and i would always follow her and support her for her projects.

Things change when she had a boyfriend. She tells me about her boyfriend. I would just acknowledge her. But then our conversation become lesser. Our lunch and time together became lesser. but she still asked me for help. I would still help her cause i care for her. So i decided to minimise my contact with her. She notices and became unhappy and kept telling she cares for me and does not wants me to leave her no matter what. I am confused!!

There is also one time, there is this project of her which she needs my help. I helped her with all my heart and she thanks me for it. Then the time for her to present her project, she did not tell me about it and brought her boyfriend instead. For that moment i felt heartbroken. Why she is doing this to me? What does she wants?

But behavior towards her had already change but i told her if she needs anything. I am always her. I felt that this it is a mistake to say this. But anyway, we carried on with out work since she is my co-worker and she would only talk to me if she need to. Thats what i feel.

And then she was transfered to a another department. I felt abit of releave but at the same time, i missed her alot. But on the day she left. She told me part of her will be missing once she leaves and promised me that we will stay connected and will meet once a month. But of course it did not happened. She only text me if she needs help. I had alot of problems which she knew but she dont even bother to ask.

So now, she broke up with her boyfriend and started texting me again to tell me her problems. As per normal, i just listen and tell her my opinions. But at times, she did not reply to me until 3 to 4 days later and even few weeks!

I need help. So what is the problem here. Should i just ignore her for good. The problem is she still text me about her break up and all. I want to forget about her but i cant because she is the only person in my life whom i have shared my problems with and she claim to know me inside out

Please help me

Do you have feelings for her?

Unfortunately you are in the friendzone. She thinks of you as a male-girlfriend who she chats about her bfs and love life with. She's using you as a shoulder to cry on.

It seems you have feelings for her so it's time to stop being her fan and support system and find women who are interested in dating you romantically.

She tells me about her boyfriend. she broke up with her boyfriend and started texting me again to tell me her problems. I want to forget about her but i cant because she is the only person in my life whom i have shared my problems with and she claim to know me inside out

Somehow yes.

The problem now..she still text me about her break up with her bf. How am i going to say no to her? I felt pitty for her and hoping of being there for her but at the same time, i want to stop all this and move on.

I'm sorry to break this to you but if you keep being the 'nice guy' like that people will continuously walk over you in life. Not just women but everyone.

For some reason, some people (like you) grow up thinking their way through life is just helping others and being 'there' for everyone without asking for anything in return. Unfortunately, this only leads people to disrespect you more and more.

There's a book called 'No More Mr. Nice Guy' that is available online if you google it. You'd benefit very much from reading it. I think it will open your eyes. It's never too late to learn and to change.

OP, you need to stop responding to her. She is not a true friend to you.

I'm sorry to break this to you but if you keep being the 'nice guy' like that people will continuously walk over you in life. Not just women but everyone.

 

For some reason, some people (like you) grow up thinking their way through life is just helping others and being 'there' for everyone without asking for anything in return. Unfortunately, this only leads people to disrespect you more and more.

 

There's a book called 'No More Mr. Nice Guy' that is available online if you google it. You'd benefit very much from reading it. I think it will open your eyes. It's never too late to learn and to change.

I don't think it has to go to that extreme. You can be a good person without being pushed over. You can be good and kind to others but still not being a doormat and having people respecting you.

Now think about it... Is the OP and the proverbial "nice guys" nice solely because he's/they're a good person or because they also want something in return, like being liked by her/people or hoping that this will lead them to a more than platonic relationship?

Some people think you either have to be super nice aka pushover/doormat or that when it doesn't work you have to be cold and mean. Neither of these will attract an healthy partner and healthy romantic relationships or friendships. As someone who was a people pleaser, I'm learning that you can still be kind and nice to people but still keep your boundaries and self respect.

As to the OP what I'd do would simply be less available to her. Probably get busy or even tell her that I don't have time to talk about it or even be honest and say that I don't want to talk about it every time and that it's better that she turns to her girlfriends and family. It's also time to try to meet women, maybe date a bit with others and do other stuff that take this woman out of the center of his mind and life (and maybe pedestal). He has to accept that she doesn't have romantic feelings for him and sees him like a shoulder to cry on. Maybe treat her like he'd treat any other coworker. Polite, professional and kind, but not overly personal and keeping a certain healthy distance.

If this is too much and he can't do it, better be honest and ask her for distance directly. She'll respect it if she's a decent person. Or maybe she's too selfish for that.

You need to decide what you want. Listening to her talk about her bf and being only a friend or having romantic feeling for her and it hurts to listen to her talk about her bf. Change the subject.

she still text me about her break up with her bf. at the same time, i want to stop all this and move on.

You definitely have a point. However, when people are in one extreme like the OP seems to be, they may need a bit of a 'shock' treatment to wake up to what's really going on. Doesn't mean they need to start being cold and mean to people, although I'll admit that a bit of coldness would help him big time to get away from his current 'doormat' persona.

Unfortunately, it is in the nature of most people to not respect or acknowledge those who are always there and do everything they can to help others. I'm not talking about volunteering and helping those in need but in friendships and romantic relationships. Just go out there and see that the ones who are the 'givers' , being always available, are usually the ones who get walked over. Doesn't mean you have to go to the other extreme and be only a 'taker'. Just needs a good balance like most things in life.

The people pleasers are usually like that because they feel inadequate or not good enough, so they feel they have to give more than the others to feel accepted and recognised. Like they feel being themselves won't get them anywhere, so they have to please everyone so people want them around. The reality is, when they do that, it only gets worse. They get even less respect.

So you're right, most people pleasers don't do that out of pure altruism. They do because they need something back. The problem is, when they don't get what they want (respect, good treatment, etc), they try to escalate and be even nicer. Which leads to additional disrespect and devalue. Little they know that if only they did a bit LESS, they'd be probably getting better results. It's a mind****, but it is what it is.

Definitely be less available to her. I found out the hard way that a “friend” of mine was the same way, he only reached out to me if he needed to vent or needed something. If you walk away maybe she’ll come around but don’t initiate anything with her and you certainly don’t need to listen to her going on about her break up.

Why do you care about being there for her problems when she didn't care about yours, and sometimes takes 3 or 4 days to respond to a text? She said she'd get together with you monthly, but that hasn't happened. She's using you for an ego boost, because yes, she knows you have a crush on her.

If she texts you about a bf, tell her: You should talk to a girlfriend about that. Or even better, since she doesn't meet your needs as a friend, why not just block her number? You say she only uses you when she has a problem. That's not friendship. She's not worthy of an explanation, and not worthy of your time and energy. Get a spine. When you eventually get new gf, it would be unethical for you to communicate with someone else who you have a crush on, so it's best to end things now in preparation for moving on. Try meetup.com, a dating experience less stressful than OLD.

This happened to me - and I was denying the fact that I was obsessed with this woman. I had feelings for her that were consuming my entire life.

There is a solution for this. It's called honest communication.

We talked it out and were completely honest with each other. After that, there were no more unanswered questions and no more wondering...we both knew how each other felt.

The obsession passes over time. We are still friends today. She was flattered and she even helped me come back to reality.

Although we only talk every few months now (don't work together anymore), our friendship is deep and I'm not confused or uncomfortable about it.

You two just need to talk openly and honestly with each other. You'll be in a much better place and you may get a really good friend for life!

Why not simply say "I'm sorry but I'm just not comfortable with our friendship any longer, wish you the best, take care."

Or, "I have enjoyed being friends, but I have lots going on right now and need a break. Then fade out.

I've done that, not because I had feelings for the guy, but because being friends with him/her wasn't adding to my life, and frankly I just wasn't enjoying the interaction/friendship any longer.

OR, as many choose to do, you can just pull back and stop responding to her. Realize you don't "owe" her an explanation, friends drop in and out of our lives all the time."

Nothing to feel guilty about.

If/when you see her at work, be professional but that's it. Keep your distance.

Why do you care about being there for her problems when she didn't care about yours, and sometimes takes 3 or 4 days to respond to a text? She said she'd get together with you monthly, but that hasn't happened. She's using you for an ego boost, because yes, she knows you have a crush on her.

 

If she texts you about a bf, tell her: You should talk to a girlfriend about that. Or even better, since she doesn't meet your needs as a friend, why not just block her number? You say she only uses you when she has a problem. That's not friendship. She's not worthy of an explanation, and not worthy of your time and energy. Get a spine. When you eventually get new gf, it would be unethical for you to communicate with someone else who you have a crush on, so it's best to end things now in preparation for moving on. Try meetup.com, a dating experience less stressful than OLD.

A slight bit harsher than my advice, but agree with this^ -- spot on!

Bottomline: She is user. Stop allowing yourself to be treated like a doormat. Stop helping her, and stop playing her therapist.

She is not a friend. Cut her off!

This happened to me - and I was denying the fact that I was obsessed with this woman. I had feelings for her that were consuming my entire life.

 

There is a solution for this. It's called honest communication.

 

We talked it out and were completely honest with each other. After that, there were no more unanswered questions and no more wondering...we both knew how each other felt.

 

The obsession passes over time. We are still friends today. She was flattered and she even helped me come back to reality.

 

Although we only talk every few months now (don't work together anymore), our friendship is deep and I'm not confused or uncomfortable about it.

 

You two just need to talk openly and honestly with each other. You'll be in a much better place and you may get a really good friend for life!

I'm glad it worked out for you that way DP, but your friendship sounds much deeper than what OP has with this girl.

What he has with her is not a friendship, it's him being a "white knight" because he wants more than friendship, and her taking advantage of that (using him for selfish purposes)..

You definitely have a point. However, when people are in one extreme like the OP seems to be, they may need a bit of a 'shock' treatment to wake up to what's really going on. Doesn't mean they need to start being cold and mean to people, although I'll admit that a bit of coldness would help him big time to get away from his current 'doormat' persona.

 

Unfortunately, it is in the nature of most people to not respect or acknowledge those who are always there and do everything they can to help others. I'm not talking about volunteering and helping those in need but in friendships and romantic relationships. Just go out there and see that the ones who are the 'givers' , being always available, are usually the ones who get walked over. Doesn't mean you have to go to the other extreme and be only a 'taker'. Just needs a good balance like most things in life.

 

The people pleasers are usually like that because they feel inadequate or not good enough, so they feel they have to give more than the others to feel accepted and recognised. Like they feel being themselves won't get them anywhere, so they have to please everyone so people want them around. The reality is, when they do that, it only gets worse. They get even less respect.

 

So you're right, most people pleasers don't do that out of pure altruism. They do because they need something back. The problem is, when they don't get what they want (respect, good treatment, etc), they try to escalate and be even nicer. Which leads to additional disrespect and devalue. Little they know that if only they did a bit LESS, they'd be probably getting better results. It's a mind****, but it is what it is.

Spot on!!!!!

why do you care about being there for her problems when she didn't care about yours, and sometimes takes 3 or 4 days to respond to a text? She said she'd get together with you monthly, but that hasn't happened. She's using you for an ego boost, because yes, she knows you have a crush on her.

 

If she texts you about a bf, tell her: You should talk to a girlfriend about that. Or even better, since she doesn't meet your needs as a friend, why not just block her number? You say she only uses you when she has a problem. That's not friendship. She's not worthy of an explanation, and not worthy of your time and energy. Get a spine. When you eventually get new gf, it would be unethical for you to communicate with someone else who you have a crush on, so it's best to end things now in preparation for moving on. Try meetup.com, a dating experience less stressful than old.

yup!!!!!!!!!!

 

So you're right, most people pleasers don't do that out of pure altruism. They do because they need something back. The problem is, when they don't get what they want (respect, good treatment, etc), they try to escalate and be even nicer. Which leads to additional disrespect and devalue. Little they know that if only they did a bit LESS, they'd be probably getting better results. It's a mind****, but it is what it is.

This^ is so insightful and so true!!!

OP cut and paste this to your fridge!! Lol

And remember, no woman (or man) will ever respect you if you first don't respect yourself.

And one way you respect yourself is by not allowing people, women or men, to take advantage of you, use you.

This^ is so insightful and so true!!!

 

OP cut and paste this to your fridge!! Lol

 

And remember, no woman (or man) will ever respect you if you first don't respect yourself.

 

And one way you respect yourself is by not allowing people, women or men, to take advantage of you, use you.

Great advice!

You are solidly in the Friendzone, though it sounds like you were hoping for more. You have a choice. You can either accept you're in the friendzone, which is not the relationship you want with her, so stop being friends and just limit contact to work, OR you can take a chance and admit your feelings to her and see what happens. It sounds like most likely she will tell you she loves you as a friend but does not have any romantic feeling for you. If this happens, then you can decide whether you want to continue just being her friend, or if it's easier for you, stop being her close friend and shoulder to cry and just be coworkers. But you never know, maybe she'll decide to take a chance and move the relationship into something romantic. You have to take the chance and speak up though for that to happen. If you want a real relationship, relationships require communication, so speak up! I think it's better to put everything on the table and find out for sure than to keep dangling in the wind wondering what her feelings and motivations are.

I don't even think that he is a friend, he is simply her personal therapist and assistant at work.

She does not respect him or see him as a partner, only someone she can take advantage of. I would not want someone like that in my life.

I don't even think that he is a friend, he is simply her personal therapist and assistant at work.

 

She does not respect him or see him as a partner, only someone she can take advantage of. I would not want someone like that in my life.

I meant don't even think she is a friend

I'm glad it worked out for you that way DP, but your friendship sounds much deeper than what OP has with this girl.

 

What he has with her is not a friendship, it's him being a "white knight" because he wants more than friendship, and her taking advantage of that (using him for selfish purposes)..

Ahhh - I too wanted more than a friendship, but in this situation, it is the HER that is different.

My "her" was compassionate, understanding and helpful.

His "her" is selfish and manipulative.

Is that what you mean?