Annoying friend

So I’m working in a small team, most people are much older than I am, except for one female co-worker. We are the same age, went out for drinks a few times, and she now considers me as her friend. I liked talking to her at the beginning, but she is a very demanding friend, and wants to talk at work all the time. She is much more talkative than I am, and does not understand I need to concentrate at work. She keeps asking me questions and trying to initiate conversation, and I just feel bad for not talking to her. Sometimes we do talk, like Friday afternoons, when there is not much work, but otherwise I prefer to stay focused. If I don’t talk to her, she sends me these emails, asking if I am okay. All this is wearing me out, I am on the phone a lot at work, so I truly appreciate a few moments of silence. She’s a nice person, but we just don’t have the same personality. I don’t want to get too close with her as I don’t feel like discussing my private life at work. I feel a little guilty for wanting to stay in my personal bubble and not socialize with her anymore. The question is – how do I keep my distance without being cold? I don’t know how to tell her I can’t entertain her every day.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Thanks!

By being polite but firm and sandwich it. "I really enjoy chatting with you! I have to focus on work right now so let's chat later. Thanks for stopping by!"

I don’t want to get too close with her as I don’t feel like discussing my private life at work.

I can completely relate with this. As I'm a very private person. And work should be kept out of your personal life.

Don't get me wrong I've made some amazing friends through work. But we have become the sort of friends that socialize outside of work. And have shared personal things just never in the office. They sort of friends you make when you leave a company and they remain friends.

This could be the making for you and this girl. But she does seem very full on. So not all blossoming work friendships are like the above.

I do like to keep very professional with my team and other workers.

You will just have to say you have a lot on right now and will catch up later when she comes to your desk and tries to distract you. Which is true! Can't have her getting in the way of you work now.

I hate discussing my personal life in the office so can get your frustration.

I had this exact issue with my manager. As she was my manager it was incredibly difficult to distance myself from her. What was worst I never encouraged her behavior and tried to keep it professional. It's essentially left me in a bad boat now lol

If you slowly pull back from this collegue I'm sure she will eventually get the idea and pull back herself. So I do hope it all works out for you.

I get how it is difficult as you also want to remain professional and as she is the same age she makes a great work buddy.

But sometimes all we need is a work buddy and nothing more!

Good luck with it :)

I agree with Batya: just tell her politely to back off. No need to disclose all of these other anxieties you have about her. Just be firm. And be nice.

Maybe I am over thinking this, but several months ago, I got too close with a male co-worker, who left the company in the meantime, so now I try to stay as professional as I can. I don’t want any close relationships at work, so I hope she will back off.

If I hadn't had close relationships at work I would never have been successful in my career or married to my husband and a mom. i think there are great ways not to get "too personal" at work while still having friendships that develop at work. I originally met my husband at work and part of the reason I got the jobs I did was because I maintained connections to coworkers that were not just professional - we socialized outside of work, kept in touch and again kept appropriate boundaries as far as personal lives. I would reconsider whether you're being too rigid and potentially sabotaging your professional life. Also maybe you have enough friends already but that is a real benefit too.

As a team we don‘t socialize outside work, our jobs require a high level of team work, so I think we are all happy with the way it is. My manager appreciates my work, and that’s what matters to me. I don’t mind having lunch with my co-workers every now and then, even going out for drinks is okay with me, I just can’t stand this co-worker and her always getting in my face.

Maybe I am over thinking this, but several months ago, I got too close with a male co-worker, who left the company in the meantime, so now I try to stay as professional as I can. I don’t want any close relationships at work, so I hope she will back off.

This is your choice, however it does mean that you limit yourself in terms of your network and how people perceive you if you go to this extreme. I also think there is a big difference between developing romantic feelings for someone you work with and having a friendship with them.

I have gotten more relaxed about my professional boundaries over the years... to the point where I now socialize with people outside of work, whereas before I never would. I found it to be very valuable in developing my network. People are a lot more likely to want to help someone they are friends with vs. someone they don't know or someone they perceive as not wanting to be part of the group.

If you want to be friends with this girl and maintain professional boundaries... be transparent with her in a kind way. "I really want to hear more about what is going on for you and will find it easier when I am not focused on trying to get my work done... do you want to meet for coffee or lunch sometime this week? That way I can pay attention more to what you are saying." Or something like that. That way she will know it's not about her and you will relieve your stress and guilt of trying to do to many things at once.

Morning: "Hi, it's great to see you. I need to handle something, so how about if we catch up at lunch?"

Use the lunch chat to mention how much you enjoy getting away to lunch with her, and you'd like to reserve lunching together a few times a week. After establishing this as 'together time,' mention before the end of lunch that you've been juggling a lot and really need to up your game on staying focused at your desk.

This is your combo plate for curbing the office chats. You can interrupt any convo she starts with, "I look forward to hearing more about this at lunch--we picked Thursday, right? Great. We can catch up about this then."

If friend starts acting too needy, you can point to the time you've reserved for her as special to you, and how much you appreciate her supporting your need to focus when you're at your desk.

Pull way back and stop communicating or hanging out with her outside of work. Be "busy" a lot and at work simply say "I have to get back to work". She has no boundaries so you need to employ some.

We are the same age, went out for drinks a few times, and she now considers me as her friend!

This is great as advice, but the thing is that I don't want to do lunch with her on a regular basis. She's way too bubbly for me, and we don't have that much in common.

Morning: "Hi, it's great to see you. I need to handle something, so how about if we catch up at lunch?"

 

Use the lunch chat to mention how much you enjoy getting away to lunch with her, and you'd like to reserve lunching together a few times a week. After establishing this as 'together time,' mention before the end of lunch that you've been juggling a lot and really need to up your game on staying focused at your desk.

 

Thanks, I definitely don't want to hang out with her outside of work, I just feel bad for pulling back. I know I need to work on setting boundaries, I always felt the need to please others, but as I said, her attitude has been wearing me out.

Pull way back and stop communicating or hanging out with her outside of work. Be "busy" a lot and at work simply say "I have to get back to work". She has no boundaries so you need to employ some.

Ok perhaps work on this. Because if that's the case you're doing this to yourself and perhaps being a bit unprofessional at work "people pleasing" instead of going to work in order to work. It's healthy to have appropriate boundaries.

It's fine to have friends, family and interests outside of work that you are busy with, so you don't have to babysit her at work or outside of work. In fact, telling her "I have to get back to work" is a professional attitude and thing to do. Try not to be a fake friend when in fact "she's annoying you", but you continue to hang out outside of work and chitchat at work.

I always felt the need to please others

This is great as advice, but the thing is that I don't want to do lunch with her on a regular basis. She's way too bubbly for me, and we don't have that much in common.

Totally get this. Reminds me of my neighbor, ugh. We bought townhomes a few doors down from one another several years ago, and we did a few things together before I realized she was just not someone I wanted to be friends with. So I minimized contact, but she wouldn’t get the hint. She kept stopping by my place, texting to say she saw my lights on, and just would not take the hint. I’d try saying I was too busy to talk, but not understood by her.

If she wasn’t my neighbor, I’d have had to actually have a “break up” talk with her and ask her to stop contacting me. But as we are such close neighbors, both homeowners who share an HOA, I simply couldn’t afford any ill will.

She eventually got the hint, and here’s how: I started making my answers and conversation super short. As in, literally one or two words. She’d bounce over and start telling me some huge story, and I’d nod and say “Good for you! Gotta run!”. Those days, when I see her, I smile, nod, and keep on walking. If I’m getting my mail, I just say “gotta go look at this, bye!” In the last 5 years, I bet I haven’t said more than 20 words to her.

I know I need to work on setting boundaries, I always felt the need to please others

I think this is your real issue. This false sense of obligation understandably makes you feel vulnerable to other people. I hope you come to terms with the fact that "No" is perfectly fine. There will always be a person who is over-friendly. That threshold differs from person to person. It is up to you to draw the line. It's unfair to expect other people to guess where your line is. Furthermore, if you continue blame other people for your lack of boundaries, you will never fix the problem and it will keep happening.

We went out for drinks only twice, I don’t initiate lunch or other activities with her. I think she doesn’t have many friends and probably feels isolated at work as everyone is much older than the two of us.

Ok perhaps work on this. Because if that's the case you're doing this to yourself and perhaps being a bit unprofessional at work "people pleasing" instead of going to work in order to work. It's healthy to have appropriate boundaries.

 

It's fine to have friends, family and interests outside of work that you are busy with, so you don't have to babysit her at work or outside of work. In fact, telling her "I have to get back to work" is a professional attitude and thing to do. Try not to be a fake friend when in fact "she's annoying you", but you continue to hang out outside of work and chitchat at work.

That's exactly what's going on here, thanks for sharing your story!

We bought townhomes a few doors down from one another several years ago, and we did a few things together before I realized she was just not someone I wanted to be friends with. So I minimized contact, but she wouldn’t get the hint.

Do you have friends, family and interests you could get more involved in outside of work? Don't be a social worker or fake friend if she annoys you. It's your job to go to work in order to work and find your own friends and it's her job to find her own circle of friends and get her work done.. Work on boundaries and professionalism and hopefully you'll be happier and stop trying to "fix" people and their problems..

I think she doesn’t have many friends and probably feels isolated at work as everyone is much older than the two of us.

I don't think I'm blaming anyone here. She didn't do anything bad, it's just that I don't want to be friends with her because we're too different. I came here to ask how to set boundaries, pull away a little, while still keeping it professional.

I think this is your real issue. This false sense of obligation understandably makes you feel vulnerable to other people. I hope you come to terms with the fact that "No" is perfectly fine. There will always be a person who is over-friendly. That threshold differs from person to person. It is up to you to draw the line. It's unfair to expect other people to guess where your line is. Furthermore, if you continue blame other people for your lack of boundaries, you will never fix the problem and it will keep happening.

I think you got me wrong, I didn’t hang out with her because I felt sorry for her. I have many friends outside of work, that’s why I don’t feel the need to get too close to her. I’m not trying fix anyone, I just felt a little bad for talking less to her.

Do you have friends, family and interests you could get more involved in outside of work? Don't be a social worker or fake friend if she annoys you. It's your job to go to work in order to work and find your own friends and it's her job to find her own circle of friends and get her work done.. Work on boundaries and professionalism and hopefully you'll be happier and stop trying to "fix" people and their problems..

I don't think I'm blaming anyone here.

I'm sorry you feel this way. I can point out the blame in your sentences, but I don't think it will help if it is invisible to you. It may just be a matter of time before you are able to see it yourself.

This is great as advice, but the thing is that I don't want to do lunch with her on a regular basis. She's way too bubbly for me, and we don't have that much in common.

Phase 2 after using some lunches to train her away from disturbing you at your desk would be to phase out the lunches.

Mistakenly building an unwelcome bond with a coworker tests your finesse in getting out of it without creating an enemy on the job. You can 'evolve' yourself away gracefully over time to avoid drama, presumably as you get busier and busier, or you can cut the cord more quickly and handle any fallout.

Head high, we all live and learn.

Thanks, I think I managed to pull away a little while still maintaining some sort of relationship with this girl. No drama so far!

Mistakenly building an unwelcome bond with a coworker tests your finesse in getting out of it without creating an enemy on the job. You can 'evolve' yourself away gracefully over time to avoid drama, presumably as you get busier and busier, or you can cut the cord more quickly and handle any fallout.