Can’t get out of my own head to enjoy this new potential relationship.

I’m sorry, this is going to be long. I recently joined a dating app, mostly because I was feeling depressed and insecure so my sister suggested I join a dating app. I got messages from several guys but nothing really stuck. There was one guy, he messaged me to tell me he thinks we have a lot in common. I decided, sure I’ll respond. I don’t know why I did, he didn’t seem much of my type. But we started to build a connection. I went into this not looking to gain anything. After 3 weeks of talking every single day. (He’d call me every day during my work commute to make sure I didn’t fall asleep). He confessed to me that he’s sure he’s found the one. He convinced me to go on a date with him. He was super sweet during our date, he leaned in and kissed me. This whole time I’m feeling really happy. We saw each other 3 or 4 times the following week. He’s told me that he’s in love with me and really wants this to develops into a relationship. I’m conflicted, because I feel a lot of feelings and connection for him. But I know it’s moving way too fast. In my head I keep thinking he’s a player and just wants sex. One night I couldn’t get out of my own head, so I suggested we slept together. He asked if I was sure. I told him I had a question in my head that I want an answer to. (The question was, does he want sex Or is he really sincere?) after we slept together, to my surprise he’s still around. He still tells me he loves me. Still calls me every night. I can’t seem to get myself to believe that he is in this. I can’t get myself to feel like I deserve something good. I keep waiting for him to show me that he’s lying and is just messing with my head. I don’t know how to just relax and watch this unfold. He’s asked me to be his girlfriend. And on the surface I tell him I would but deep down I don’t know if it’s real. I keep waiting for him to redact it. I’ve been hurt so much that I can’t seem to believe anything nice that he says. I’m afraid that I’m going to ruin this relationship before it becomes anything.

I've got red flags going off with him telling you he's "sure he's found the one" before you've even met in person. That's moving way too fast, so I don't blame you for not trusting his sincerity. I'd move very very cautiously and watch for flags of an abuser. Abusers often push to get serious really fast, including saying they love you really quickly. I'm not saying he is. He could actually just really like you and be swept away with enthusiasm. But definitely move with caution and keep your head about you.

Well, what's the background of this guy? Not every guy is trying to mess with a girl's head. It sounds like he wants a relationship too. But I agree he was moving way too quickly, putting a full court press on you by calling you every day until you went out with him, and then keeping it up. So what is he like? Is he sensitive? How about clingy? Is he pushy? You could date him for a couple of months until you get over the honeymoon period and start seeing how he really is. Rather than being abusive, he could be needy, and that's not goo either. Stay critical, but see how it goes until you commit yourself to him.

I've got red flags going off with him telling you he's "sure he's found the one" before you've even met in person. That's moving way too fast, so I don't blame you for not trusting his sincerity. I'd move very very cautiously and watch for flags of an abuser. Abusers often push to get serious really fast, including saying they love you really quickly. I'm not saying he is. He could actually just really like you and be swept away with enthusiasm. But definitely move with caution and keep your head about you.

I’ll definitely need to look up signs of abusers. I usually don’t tolerate that kind of behavior, but I’ve never really encountered one before so I’m not too experienced. He isn’t pushy because he’ll tell me things he wants but said he’ll wait for me to be ready. But I do have worries, so thank you for the advice. I am going to continue cautiously.

You’re gut is trying to keep you safe. He can’t possibly love you, he needs more time to get to know you. The infatuation is probably real for him though. I don’t know what advice to give you going forward, just trust your gut and don’t trust love bombing!

Edit to add; you absolutely deserve something real and this nice. But also for it to be something that grows organically out of sincere and ongoing attraction, not comes ready made from someone who is just looking to fill the girlfriend shaped hole in their life. Is your guy cool with you maintaining your life outside of him? Is he maintaining his own hobbies and friendships?

Well, what's the background of this guy? Not every guy is trying to mess with a girl's head. It sounds like he wants a relationship too. But I agree he was moving way too quickly, putting a full court press on you by calling you every day until you went out with him, and then keeping it up. So what is he like? Is he sensitive? How about clingy? Is he pushy? You could date him for a couple of months until you get over the honeymoon period and start seeing how he really is. Rather than being abusive, he could be needy, and that's not goo either. Stay critical, but see how it goes until you commit yourself to him.

He’s very gentlemanly. Opens the door of his car for me every time. I don’t know how sensitive he is. He’s been pretty open with me about his life and his family. Has a good job and seems legit. But you just never know. He definitely says really sweet things to me. He’s very thoughtful and attentive. Which makes me wonder if he’s a player type who knows the right things to say. He says he’s only had 3 serious relationships and don’t do flings. Says he joined the dating app hoping to find someone special because he’s ready for the next step in life. The app is not like tinder, where anyone can join and make a free account. It actually is very biased where men has to pay a monthly fee of $50 and women joins free. When I gave him my instagram, he shut down his profile on the dating app right away. I asked him why and he tells me he just wants to focus on me right now to see where things go. He texts me good morning every morning. Except this week as I’m on vacation right now and he hasn’t tried to initiate conversation. I told him that I may not have good signal but will reach out to him when I can. I lied about that as I have signal. I just don’t know where my head is in all of this right now. A part of me wants to let my guards down and just enjoy this feeling because I feel really happy when I’m with him, but another part is just too scared and doubtful. I do want to pursue a relationship but I don’t want to get hurt either.

You’re gut is trying to keep you safe. He can’t possibly love you, he needs more time to get to know you. The infatuation is probably real for him though. I don’t know what advice to give you going forward, just trust your gut and don’t trust love bombing!

 

Edit to add; you absolutely deserve something real and this nice. But also for it to be something that grows organically out of sincere and ongoing attraction, not comes ready made from someone who is just looking to fill the girlfriend shaped hole in their life. Is your guy cool with you maintaining your life outside of him? Is he maintaining his own hobbies and friendships?

He does keep a life to his own where he hangs out with his friends on certain days. He will send me a text every now and then when he’s with his friends to let me know he’s thinking of me. I’m on vacation now and he’s given me plenty of space so I can enjoy my time. I haven’t texted or reached to him all day today. I don’t even know if I should text him or not. He doesn’t over obsessively text or calls me right now. I do feel like he’s deep in infatuation and that he will sizzle out of it when I’m slowly falling for him and will be the one left sad in the end.

Hmm. He's doing all the right things. He's obviously been trained by his previous relationships. I guess the next thing to do is find out why Mr. Perfect broke up with his three girlfriends. The problem is you may not get the real reasons from him. But hearing his answer might give you a clue. But I guess you'll just have to play it out.

You could be a rebound relationship where he realizes what he's missed in a past relationship and now he's trying to get back where he had been before in a relationship. It's difficult to know right now.

It's way too early to be talking love and you being "the one" but maybe he was just super excited to have found someone with whom he feels a good connection. He might secretly be wishing he hadn't come out with that stuff in case it scares you off.

If he seems to be doing everything right then just go with it. Don't be changing how often you communicate or view his nice actions with suspicion. If he's as great as he appears to be then he won't change. Don't push him away by judging him against the bad experiences of others: take him at his word until he gives you reason not to.

I am going to be honest, OP.

My experience taught me that grown men who rush in and declare love this early on are usually not great candidates for relationships.

He might not be lying about how he's feeling, but I would be wary about him trying to fill a void or having other issues that compel him to try to nail down a girlfriend and seal the deal when he barely knows the woman.

Take the above for what you will. Just my two cents.

Take it more slowly. Go out on dates. Pace yourself and be more honest with yourself. Why lead with a netflix and chill precedence? Hopping into bed doesn't rule anything in or out. That is from twisted logic of "guys only want one thing" and unfortunately you thought having sex asap would be some sort of screening test for this. It isn't. If you are lonely, randy etc and wanted a hookup that's fine too. But know yourself and your true motivations.

What you can do is some homework such as googling him. Also have you had the exclusive talk? Ironically all the texting, calling, love you, you're the one, etc. talk worked because you did hop into bed asap even though all that talk is clearly a red flag in itself. Again sex right away is fine. But do so because you want sex not because you are testing him or trying to secure a relationship.

See what happens when you return. In the mean time focus on some non hookup dates and slow way down on the calling and texting and over-sharing and TMI. Employ boundaries and try to get to know him by slowing things down.

I suggested we slept together. after we slept together, to my surprise he’s still around.

My ex bf last year was like this. He held car doors for me and would be super reliable and would say the right things. He said he cared about me after two dates and that should have been a red flag. I remember feeling weirded out but just thought hey, since we did have a fantastic connection maybe it was one of those things. Someone rushing in always has a reason for that behaviour. He ended up disappearing on me so.

Yeah, I'd take everything he does with a grain of salt OP. We didn't have sex but saw each other pretty much everyday for three and half months. Got pretty darn serious way too quickly.

He might not be abusive or a player but it's a red flag when someone says they love you or found the one before even meeting and too much too soon.

Almost every guy I had that did that too me ended up going cold also soon and all of a sudden. I'd proceed with caution. Does love you for you or does he love the idea of having a girlfriend? Because he was love bombing before he even met you.

Well, I think it's a lot easier to navigate dating when you are not super depressed and insecure. It can for sure impact your ability to think clearly and make healthy decisions for yourself. Dating can be fun, exciting, but also it can be taxing too. I wouldn't recommend it as a way to feel better.

He's going a hundred miles a minute and that is a good reason to be cautious and step back and breathe. Your current mindset of being so sad and fearful makes you more vulnerable to getting sucked into that.

I'd recommend you step back and work on feeling better first before jumping further into this or dating in general.

I can't give any advice to "get out of your head," but this guy has red flags everywhere. You're still in the hot and new honeymoon phase, and guys like this (girls too) tend to burn hot and fast and exit stage left when reality sinks in, or they're exceptionally needy and clingy, and this behavior starts to border on the realm of emotional abuse or simply someone who is super needy and exhausting. Right now, you're enjoying the attention, but two weeks from now or a month from now, this undying love and domination of your time might become a noose. In addition, you could feel a great level of anxiety when and if he stops the high level of time and devotion to you, and you continue to expect a long call every day during your commute; when he prioritizes other things and doesn't shower you with words of love like he used to.

There is no balance.

My only thought is to not think too much about this. Don't let it dominate your thoughts other than your next date. Two, three, or four months from now, some reality will start kicking in, and you'll either have a personality clash, or you'll settle into something more realistic and sustainable.

OKay, so everyone has been focused on this guy being too eager, going too fast, saying he's in love too early etc etc. So bad of him to be kind, gentle, considerate and a little eager, he must be a bad person.

The RED FLAG for me was you being depressed and and downloading a dating app to help. So, it's okay for you to use men for attention to help in making you feel happier? Should you not be finding ways to help yourself our of depression instead of hoping other people will? As a sufferer of depression myself, a part of its cause it spending too much time in your head thinking of the past or the future. This is what is making your feel anxious and worried about him being too eager. You already labelled him a player, have been throwing tests out that he much meet before HE is worthy. To me, this is a sure sign that YOU are not ready to be in the dating scene.

Sure, he may be eager, but I suggest you back out of the scene and try to find your own happiness first. Practice some mindfulness, focus on being in the present and not in the future or past, get out of your head more and then when you are ready, and willing enough to accept someone else's feelings, then get out there. Until then, let the poor guy down nicely and be done with it.

Excellent point, Keyman. I got lost on the "red flags" of the other guy and forgot that the OP is also a "red flag" who signed up to the dating app at the prompting of her sister because she was feeling depressed and insecure. We all encounter people who (not necessarily consciously) seek dating for security, companionship, ego, but are not in a place to really pursue anything serious, and that lends itself it's own issues, of which the OP is experiencing.

Predators are drawn to the needy.

This relationship can go in any number of directions from fraud and abuse to two people who require and expect two very different things. He could be pursuing this as long-term, while she, admittedly, is in a place of chaos and hurt from a past relationship. This really "muddies up the waters." The OP can be targeted as a "user" just like this guy, even if this is not her intent.

I appreciate you pointing out the other side of the picture.

OKay, so everyone has been focused on this guy being too eager, going too fast, saying he's in love too early etc etc. So bad of him to be kind, gentle, considerate and a little eager, he must be a bad person.

 

The RED FLAG for me was you being depressed and and downloading a dating app to help. So, it's okay for you to use men for attention to help in making you feel happier? Should you not be finding ways to help yourself our of depression instead of hoping other people will? As a sufferer of depression myself, a part of its cause it spending too much time in your head thinking of the past or the future. This is what is making your feel anxious and worried about him being too eager. You already labelled him a player, have been throwing tests out that he much meet before HE is worthy. To me, this is a sure sign that YOU are not ready to be in the dating scene.

 

Sure, he may be eager, but I suggest you back out of the scene and try to find your own happiness first. Practice some mindfulness, focus on being in the present and not in the future or past, get out of your head more and then when you are ready, and willing enough to accept someone else's feelings, then get out there. Until then, let the poor guy down nicely and be done with it.

I am with the man with the key here ..

You are buying into his enthusiasm with things like this

(He’d call me every day during my work commute to make sure I didn’t fall asleep

^^^ that to me screams co dependant for both of you and very quicky you both jumped into that , you are both , in my opinion going a million miles an hour.

Keep something back for yourself untill you know who he is etc

Hmm. He's doing all the right things. He's obviously been trained by his previous relationships. I guess the next thing to do is find out why Mr. Perfect broke up with his three girlfriends. The problem is you may not get the real reasons from him. But hearing his answer might give you a clue. But I guess you'll just have to play it out.

 

You could be a rebound relationship where he realizes what he's missed in a past relationship and now he's trying to get back where he had been before in a relationship. It's difficult to know right now.

Thank you for your advice. I’m hoping I’m not a rebound. His last relationship ended in January of this year. It is possible.

It's way too early to be talking love and you being "the one" but maybe he was just super excited to have found someone with whom he feels a good connection. He might secretly be wishing he hadn't come out with that stuff in case it scares you off.

 

If he seems to be doing everything right then just go with it. Don't be changing how often you communicate or view his nice actions with suspicion. If he's as great as he appears to be then he won't change. Don't push him away by judging him against the bad experiences of others: take him at his word until he gives you reason not to.

That’s just it, I don’t know how to not push him away. I think and analyze it so much that I’m sure it shows in my actions. I don’t know how to turn that part of me off.

I am going to be honest, OP.

 

My experience taught me that grown men who rush in and declare love this early on are usually not great candidates for relationships.

 

He might not be lying about how he's feeling, but I would be wary about him trying to fill a void or having other issues that compel him to try to nail down a girlfriend and seal the deal when he barely knows the woman.

 

Take the above for what you will. Just my two cents.

I think this is part of the reason why I’m also so wary right now as I’m also thinking this too.

Take it more slowly. Go out on dates. Pace yourself and be more honest with yourself. Why lead with a netflix and chill precedence? Hopping into bed doesn't rule anything in or out. That is from twisted logic of "guys only want one thing" and unfortunately you thought having sex asap would be some sort of screening test for this. It isn't. If you are lonely, randy etc and wanted a hookup that's fine too. But know yourself and your true motivations.

 

What you can do is some homework such as googling him. Also have you had the exclusive talk? Ironically all the texting, calling, love you, you're the one, etc. talk worked because you did hop into bed asap even though all that talk is clearly a red flag in itself. Again sex right away is fine. But do so because you want sex not because you are testing him or trying to secure a relationship.

 

See what happens when you return. In the mean time focus on some non hookup dates and slow way down on the calling and texting and over-sharing and TMI. Employ boundaries and try to get to know him by slowing things down.

Thank you. He has asked me to be his girlfriend and has been the one who wants exclusiveness. I’m the one super hesitant. And you’re right, I shouldn’t be testing people like I did him. I def have many insecurities to work through and these advices are making me more aware of myself.

OKay, so everyone has been focused on this guy being too eager, going too fast, saying he's in love too early etc etc. So bad of him to be kind, gentle, considerate and a little eager, he must be a bad person.

 

The RED FLAG for me was you being depressed and and downloading a dating app to help. So, it's okay for you to use men for attention to help in making you feel happier? Should you not be finding ways to help yourself our of depression instead of hoping other people will? As a sufferer of depression myself, a part of its cause it spending too much time in your head thinking of the past or the future. This is what is making your feel anxious and worried about him being too eager. You already labelled him a player, have been throwing tests out that he much meet before HE is worthy. To me, this is a sure sign that YOU are not ready to be in the dating scene.

 

Sure, he may be eager, but I suggest you back out of the scene and try to find your own happiness first. Practice some mindfulness, focus on being in the present and not in the future or past, get out of your head more and then when you are ready, and willing enough to accept someone else's feelings, then get out there. Until then, let the poor guy down nicely and be done with it.

You’re right that I’m the one setting red flags when I did what I did at the beginning. I’m no innocent party to this either. Thank you for your honesty. I think I really needed that.

The man may have no ulterior motive other than being someone that easily gets swept up in his emotions and romantic fantasies.... sometimes love bombing has sinister connotations to it (for good reason), but from all the posts I have read here, a lot of times what happens is when people come on really strong at the beginning it ends up fizzling out after a short while, and the love bomber will pull away while the person being love bombed chases them looking for more. This usually only works when particularly needy or desperate people connect, as someone with high value will generally be put off by such behavior.

OK, I agree with all the other posters about his going too fast (and you as well) However, you said "I keep thinking he’s a player and just wants sex. One night I couldn’t get out of my own head, so I suggested we slept together. He asked if I was sure. I told him I had a question in my head that I want an answer to. (The question was, does he want sex Or is he really sincere?) after we slept together, to my surprise he’s still around. He still tells me he loves me."

OK, so he may be sincere. I hope for you sake that he is. But, I also see red flags. I also am of the opinion that you made it too easy for him to get into your pants. Come on, let's be real. What guy would want to not get laid when it's so easy for him to get some? Sorry for the harshness, and perhaps I am too cynical, but I think this guy is playing you. Of course he's going to say all the right things to keep you hanging on. But, again, perhaps he is being sincere. Proceed with a lot of caution and don't be too heartbroken when he's no longer interested. We all seem to feel that there is something that's a bit odd with this whole "relationship". I do wish you all the best though.