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Thread: Canít get out of my own head to enjoy this new potential relationship.

  1. #21
    Member hpinky's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    I am going to be honest, OP.

    My experience taught me that grown men who rush in and declare love this early on are usually not great candidates for relationships.

    He might not be lying about how he's feeling, but I would be wary about him trying to fill a void or having other issues that compel him to try to nail down a girlfriend and seal the deal when he barely knows the woman.

    Take the above for what you will. Just my two cents.
    I think this is part of the reason why Iím also so wary right now as Iím also thinking this too.

  2. #22
    Member hpinky's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Take it more slowly. Go out on dates. Pace yourself and be more honest with yourself. Why lead with a netflix and chill precedence? Hopping into bed doesn't rule anything in or out. That is from twisted logic of "guys only want one thing" and unfortunately you thought having sex asap would be some sort of screening test for this. It isn't. If you are lonely, randy etc and wanted a hookup that's fine too. But know yourself and your true motivations.

    What you can do is some homework such as googling him. Also have you had the exclusive talk? Ironically all the texting, calling, love you, you're the one, etc. talk worked because you did hop into bed asap even though all that talk is clearly a red flag in itself. Again sex right away is fine. But do so because you want sex not because you are testing him or trying to secure a relationship.

    See what happens when you return. In the mean time focus on some non hookup dates and slow way down on the calling and texting and over-sharing and TMI. Employ boundaries and try to get to know him by slowing things down.
    Thank you. He has asked me to be his girlfriend and has been the one who wants exclusiveness. Iím the one super hesitant. And youíre right, I shouldnít be testing people like I did him. I def have many insecurities to work through and these advices are making me more aware of myself.

  3. #23
    Member hpinky's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Keyman
    OKay, so everyone has been focused on this guy being too eager, going too fast, saying he's in love too early etc etc. So bad of him to be kind, gentle, considerate and a little eager, he must be a bad person.

    The RED FLAG for me was you being depressed and and downloading a dating app to help. So, it's okay for you to use men for attention to help in making you feel happier? Should you not be finding ways to help yourself our of depression instead of hoping other people will? As a sufferer of depression myself, a part of its cause it spending too much time in your head thinking of the past or the future. This is what is making your feel anxious and worried about him being too eager. You already labelled him a player, have been throwing tests out that he much meet before HE is worthy. To me, this is a sure sign that YOU are not ready to be in the dating scene.

    Sure, he may be eager, but I suggest you back out of the scene and try to find your own happiness first. Practice some mindfulness, focus on being in the present and not in the future or past, get out of your head more and then when you are ready, and willing enough to accept someone else's feelings, then get out there. Until then, let the poor guy down nicely and be done with it.
    Youíre right that Iím the one setting red flags when I did what I did at the beginning. Iím no innocent party to this either. Thank you for your honesty. I think I really needed that.

  4. #24
    Gold Member maew's Avatar
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    The man may have no ulterior motive other than being someone that easily gets swept up in his emotions and romantic fantasies.... sometimes love bombing has sinister connotations to it (for good reason), but from all the posts I have read here, a lot of times what happens is when people come on really strong at the beginning it ends up fizzling out after a short while, and the love bomber will pull away while the person being love bombed chases them looking for more. This usually only works when particularly needy or desperate people connect, as someone with high value will generally be put off by such behavior.

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  6. #25
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    OK, I agree with all the other posters about his going too fast (and you as well) However, you said "I keep thinking heís a player and just wants sex. One night I couldnít get out of my own head, so I suggested we slept together. He asked if I was sure. I told him I had a question in my head that I want an answer to. (The question was, does he want sex Or is he really sincere?) after we slept together, to my surprise heís still around. He still tells me he loves me."

    OK, so he may be sincere. I hope for you sake that he is. But, I also see red flags. I also am of the opinion that you made it too easy for him to get into your pants. Come on, let's be real. What guy would want to not get laid when it's so easy for him to get some? Sorry for the harshness, and perhaps I am too cynical, but I think this guy is playing you. Of course he's going to say all the right things to keep you hanging on. But, again, perhaps he is being sincere. Proceed with a lot of caution and don't be too heartbroken when he's no longer interested. We all seem to feel that there is something that's a bit odd with this whole "relationship". I do wish you all the best though.

  7. #26
    Silver Member Jellybean9's Avatar
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    He seems like a very relationship driven person... So that's a plus in my eyes as opposed so someone who does flings.

    The way he was before you met was concerning.

    But since meeting and then having sex. He is still about! Your classic guy who uses these apps for just sex would have walked away by now. So again a very positive thing.

    It is still early days for you being out of your previous relationship. So just try and enjoy it. Stay cautious as you have been. But I guess just enjoy the ride for now.

  8. #27
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    There are pros and cons to this guy!

    Pros is that heís still devoted to you after having sex. That he really wants a relationship and is excited about you.

    Cons is that he said he loves you way too fast and that your the one for him and already you two are boyfriend and girlfriend! Although those are only cons by standard ideals and normal ways of dating.

    The biggest Con: How you feel about all of this. If it feels right it wonít matter if he is a genuine Romeo who rushes or takes his time.
    Listen to your gut! If something is off itís probably most of the time right!
    Last edited by limichelle; 11-22-2018 at 06:31 PM. Reason: Added more information

  9. #28
    Platinum Member katrina1980's Avatar
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    Maybe he's been watching too many Lifetime movies and thinks this is how he's supposed to act to "get" the girl.

    I'm being serious, I actually watched a couple of these movies this week and this is how the two guys in each movie acted.

    They ended up getting the girl.

    But yeah, it would be considered a form of lovebombing, but perhaps in some cases it's sincere.

    If it's too fast for you, talk with him about slowing things down a bit. I did that with my ex, he did slow it down and we dated six years.

    Some guys do fall in love really fast, but in any event keep eyes and ears open and continue observing.

    Most importantly, try and relax, have fun and enjoy!

    Isn't it nice having a man so into and devoted to you for a change?

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by hpinky
    Iím sorry, this is going to be long. I recently joined a dating app, mostly because I was feeling depressed and insecure so my sister suggested I join a dating app. I got messages from several guys but nothing really stuck. There was one guy, he messaged me to tell me he thinks we have a lot in common. I decided, sure Iíll respond. I donít know why I did, he didnít seem much of my type. But we started to build a connection. I went into this not looking to gain anything. After 3 weeks of talking every single day. (Heíd call me every day during my work commute to make sure I didnít fall asleep). He confessed to me that heís sure heís found the one. He convinced me to go on a date with him. He was super sweet during our date, he leaned in and kissed me. This whole time Iím feeling really happy. We saw each other 3 or 4 times the following week. Heís told me that heís in love with me and really wants this to develops into a relationship. Iím conflicted, because I feel a lot of feelings and connection for him. But I know itís moving way too fast. In my head I keep thinking heís a player and just wants sex. One night I couldnít get out of my own head, so I suggested we slept together. He asked if I was sure. I told him I had a question in my head that I want an answer to. (The question was, does he want sex Or is he really sincere?) after we slept together, to my surprise heís still around. He still tells me he loves me. Still calls me every night. I canít seem to get myself to believe that he is in this. I canít get myself to feel like I deserve something good. I keep waiting for him to show me that heís lying and is just messing with my head. I donít know how to just relax and watch this unfold. Heís asked me to be his girlfriend. And on the surface I tell him I would but deep down I donít know if itís real. I keep waiting for him to redact it. Iíve been hurt so much that I canít seem to believe anything nice that he says. Iím afraid that Iím going to ruin this relationship before it becomes anything.
    I think there is a tragic flaw in your logic. You concluded that if someone goes too fast it's because they just want sex. The reality is, there is lots of reasons why people go too fast. So know you're potentially stuck with an incorrect understanding of your situation.

    If he is going too fast, and I believe he is, don't try to figure out why. Just see it as inappropriate and avoid it.

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