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Thread: Canít get out of my own head to enjoy this new potential relationship.

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Take it more slowly. Go out on dates. Pace yourself and be more honest with yourself. Why lead with a netflix and chill precedence? Hopping into bed doesn't rule anything in or out. That is from twisted logic of "guys only want one thing" and unfortunately you thought having sex asap would be some sort of screening test for this. It isn't. If you are lonely, randy etc and wanted a hookup that's fine too. But know yourself and your true motivations.

    What you can do is some homework such as googling him. Also have you had the exclusive talk? Ironically all the texting, calling, love you, you're the one, etc. talk worked because you did hop into bed asap even though all that talk is clearly a red flag in itself. Again sex right away is fine. But do so because you want sex not because you are testing him or trying to secure a relationship.

    See what happens when you return. In the mean time focus on some non hookup dates and slow way down on the calling and texting and over-sharing and TMI. Employ boundaries and try to get to know him by slowing things down.
    Originally Posted by hpinky
    I suggested we slept together. after we slept together, to my surprise heís still around.

  2. #12
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    My ex bf last year was like this. He held car doors for me and would be super reliable and would say the right things. He said he cared about me after two dates and that should have been a red flag. I remember feeling weirded out but just thought hey, since we did have a fantastic connection maybe it was one of those things. Someone rushing in always has a reason for that behaviour. He ended up disappearing on me so.
    Yeah, I'd take everything he does with a grain of salt OP. We didn't have sex but saw each other pretty much everyday for three and half months. Got pretty darn serious way too quickly.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    He might not be abusive or a player but it's a red flag when someone says they love you or found the one before even meeting and too much too soon.

    Almost every guy I had that did that too me ended up going cold also soon and all of a sudden. I'd proceed with caution. Does love you for you or does he love the idea of having a girlfriend? Because he was love bombing before he even met you.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Well, I think it's a lot easier to navigate dating when you are not super depressed and insecure. It can for sure impact your ability to think clearly and make healthy decisions for yourself. Dating can be fun, exciting, but also it can be taxing too. I wouldn't recommend it as a way to feel better.

    He's going a hundred miles a minute and that is a good reason to be cautious and step back and breathe. Your current mindset of being so sad and fearful makes you more vulnerable to getting sucked into that.

    I'd recommend you step back and work on feeling better first before jumping further into this or dating in general.

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  6. #15
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    I can't give any advice to "get out of your head," but this guy has red flags everywhere. You're still in the hot and new honeymoon phase, and guys like this (girls too) tend to burn hot and fast and exit stage left when reality sinks in, or they're exceptionally needy and clingy, and this behavior starts to border on the realm of emotional abuse or simply someone who is super needy and exhausting. Right now, you're enjoying the attention, but two weeks from now or a month from now, this undying love and domination of your time might become a noose. In addition, you could feel a great level of anxiety when and if he stops the high level of time and devotion to you, and you continue to expect a long call every day during your commute; when he prioritizes other things and doesn't shower you with words of love like he used to.

    There is no balance.

    My only thought is to not think too much about this. Don't let it dominate your thoughts other than your next date. Two, three, or four months from now, some reality will start kicking in, and you'll either have a personality clash, or you'll settle into something more realistic and sustainable.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
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    OKay, so everyone has been focused on this guy being too eager, going too fast, saying he's in love too early etc etc. So bad of him to be kind, gentle, considerate and a little eager, he must be a bad person.

    The RED FLAG for me was you being depressed and and downloading a dating app to help. So, it's okay for you to use men for attention to help in making you feel happier? Should you not be finding ways to help yourself our of depression instead of hoping other people will? As a sufferer of depression myself, a part of its cause it spending too much time in your head thinking of the past or the future. This is what is making your feel anxious and worried about him being too eager. You already labelled him a player, have been throwing tests out that he much meet before HE is worthy. To me, this is a sure sign that YOU are not ready to be in the dating scene.

    Sure, he may be eager, but I suggest you back out of the scene and try to find your own happiness first. Practice some mindfulness, focus on being in the present and not in the future or past, get out of your head more and then when you are ready, and willing enough to accept someone else's feelings, then get out there. Until then, let the poor guy down nicely and be done with it.

  8. #17
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    Excellent point, Keyman. I got lost on the "red flags" of the other guy and forgot that the OP is also a "red flag" who signed up to the dating app at the prompting of her sister because she was feeling depressed and insecure. We all encounter people who (not necessarily consciously) seek dating for security, companionship, ego, but are not in a place to really pursue anything serious, and that lends itself it's own issues, of which the OP is experiencing.

    Predators are drawn to the needy.

    This relationship can go in any number of directions from fraud and abuse to two people who require and expect two very different things. He could be pursuing this as long-term, while she, admittedly, is in a place of chaos and hurt from a past relationship. This really "muddies up the waters." The OP can be targeted as a "user" just like this guy, even if this is not her intent.

    I appreciate you pointing out the other side of the picture.

    Originally Posted by Keyman
    OKay, so everyone has been focused on this guy being too eager, going too fast, saying he's in love too early etc etc. So bad of him to be kind, gentle, considerate and a little eager, he must be a bad person.

    The RED FLAG for me was you being depressed and and downloading a dating app to help. So, it's okay for you to use men for attention to help in making you feel happier? Should you not be finding ways to help yourself our of depression instead of hoping other people will? As a sufferer of depression myself, a part of its cause it spending too much time in your head thinking of the past or the future. This is what is making your feel anxious and worried about him being too eager. You already labelled him a player, have been throwing tests out that he much meet before HE is worthy. To me, this is a sure sign that YOU are not ready to be in the dating scene.

    Sure, he may be eager, but I suggest you back out of the scene and try to find your own happiness first. Practice some mindfulness, focus on being in the present and not in the future or past, get out of your head more and then when you are ready, and willing enough to accept someone else's feelings, then get out there. Until then, let the poor guy down nicely and be done with it.

  9. #18
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    I am with the man with the key here ..

    You are buying into his enthusiasm with things like this

    (Heíd call me every day during my work commute to make sure I didnít fall asleep
    ^^^ that to me screams co dependant for both of you and very quicky you both jumped into that , you are both , in my opinion going a million miles an hour.

    Keep something back for yourself untill you know who he is etc

  10. #19
    Member hpinky's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DanZee
    Hmm. He's doing all the right things. He's obviously been trained by his previous relationships. I guess the next thing to do is find out why Mr. Perfect broke up with his three girlfriends. The problem is you may not get the real reasons from him. But hearing his answer might give you a clue. But I guess you'll just have to play it out.

    You could be a rebound relationship where he realizes what he's missed in a past relationship and now he's trying to get back where he had been before in a relationship. It's difficult to know right now.
    Thank you for your advice. Iím hoping Iím not a rebound. His last relationship ended in January of this year. It is possible.

  11. #20
    Member hpinky's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by poorlittlefish
    It's way too early to be talking love and you being "the one" but maybe he was just super excited to have found someone with whom he feels a good connection. He might secretly be wishing he hadn't come out with that stuff in case it scares you off.

    If he seems to be doing everything right then just go with it. Don't be changing how often you communicate or view his nice actions with suspicion. If he's as great as he appears to be then he won't change. Don't push him away by judging him against the bad experiences of others: take him at his word until he gives you reason not to.
    Thatís just it, I donít know how to not push him away. I think and analyze it so much that Iím sure it shows in my actions. I donít know how to turn that part of me off.

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