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He makes me feel crazy


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I’ve never posted on one of these but I just don’t know what to do.

My husband makes me feel crazy because he never listens and tells me what I think. I need to know am I in the wrong and he is actually right or am I right for feeling this way?

Ile use the most recent fight.

My husband never puts anything in my Christmas stocking and every year I’m disappointed so this year I figured I would make an Amazon list for him to give some ideas.

Somehow I sent the list to my mom too and when she asked about it I explained it was for my husband. She said she wanted to talk to him about it so she could get me some stuff on it too. I told him this and this giant fight ensued.

He told me I have ruined the spirit of Christmas because I don’t care who gets me the items on my list of demands since my mom wants to get me some stuff off it.

I explained I only made the list to help give him some ideas.

His response is that I am to busy defending myself to comprehend what I did.

I said I was sorry that wasn’t my intention, I was just trying to help.

Again he says I can’t comprehend what I did because I am in defender mode.

I told him I can comprehend why he perceived it that way but it wasn’t my intention.

He then starts doing the whole talking slowly making me acknowledge every little detail then saying ‘good girl’ and clapping after.

In the end I give up trying to talk and just agree I am a greedy, demanding person who is ruining Christmas.

He then makes comments like how bad our communication is and how he wishes I would use my words and how he hates it when I shut down.

What’s the point in trying to talk if everything i I say is wrong?

I have tried to move on and make some jokes since but he just keeps bringing it up and needling me all over again. I don’t know how many times I can say sorry.

This is how all our fights end up.

It’s been 2 days of this one.

Any opinions?

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This sounds insane. You shouldn’t need to apologize for this over and over again, there’s no reason. I don’t know all the details of your relationship, but he’s treating you like a toddler. Clapping and calling you good girl? I’d have a talk on how it’s unacceptable to treat an adult the way he is and if he’s not willing to work on this I’d be out.

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It's pure emotional abuse. How long has this been going on? You should Google the terms "emotional abuse" and "emotional dependency" for a better understanding what is happening. You see, the arguments are about control and manipulation. He will find any excuse to argue any point with you because he uses the fights to tear you down, call you stupid, blame you for ruining Christmas (that's a good one), and just in general knock down any sense of pride or self-esteem that you have. It keeps you in line. A lot of people feel like they're walking on eggshells because any little thing will set off their Significant Others.

 

If you don't have the courage to leave your husband, what you can do is just agree with him. You don't have to mean it, but bypass all the fighting and the arguing you know is going to take place and just agree. "Yup, I'm greedy." Then he has nothing to argue with you about. My grandmother use to say "Don't be silly" and that's how she would skip any arguments.

 

Also, you should know by now how your husband is. Why are you even expecting him to buy you gifts? Just buy gifts for yourself or let your mom buy you some of the gifts. In fact, don't make any demands on your husband. You know he's not going to fulfill them anyways. Again, skip denial of what your husband is, an abuser, and go right to acceptance. You'll be happier that way.

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Everything about this story is hilarious. Right down from a grown woman being upset her stocking isn't stuffed, to his mother "somehow" getting this list, to him not being able to let it go after two days. To be frank, yeah, your solution being to send him a "list of suggestions" and apparently "by accident" sending it to his mother and involving his family in Operation: Stocking Stuffer is 100% jokeworthy. Still, he's your husband and needs to cool it.

 

I highly doubt aside from this your marriage is hunky dory. It sounds like you've got two people fed up with the dynamic and who have no qualms being obnoxious about it.

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Might be worth reading chump lady’s blog, to get a feel for how narcissists argue (he kind of sounds like one).

 

And then also captain awkward for scripts on how to shut down inappropriate conduct during arguments (like calling you good girl. Wow!)

 

The suggestion to just agree with whatever slight has been delivered against you is also an excellent one for stopping arguments in their tracks.

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It sounds like there is a lot of tension as well as very poor communication in your marriage. Is it really about stocking stuffers and Amazon lists? It sounds as though you use a lot of innuendo and passive-aggressive ways of getting what you want, under the guise of innocently "helping give ideas" and "reminding".

 

Keep in mind you didn't marry Santa Claus or any of his elves. Perhaps you need a more mature attitude toward gifts, holidays and especially not recruiting your mother in this mission to turn your husband into the ideal Santa with "hints". It seems your husband is onto your "help" and manipulations.

 

Therapy would help you understand more effective and mature communication and hopefully help you stop acting like a spoiled child and more like a mature partner.

 

My husband never puts anything in my Christmas stocking and every year I’m disappointed so this year I figured I would make an Amazon list for him to give some ideas.

 

He told me I have ruined the spirit of Christmas because I don’t care who gets me the items on my list of demands since my mom wants to get me some stuff off it. I explained I only made the list to help give him some ideas.I explained I only made the list to help give him some ideas.

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In my family, it is traditional to make lists for every Christmas. It IS easier for the buyer if there's a diverse list to choose from for a gift. We did it when we were kids to Santa and now as knowing adults in my family. It IS traditional to make a list for Christmas, albeit a forgotten tradition in the transition to adulthood, so it is quite accusatory to say you are passive aggressive without prior incidents.

 

He is wrong for belittling you, however this situation is salvageable. Go to classes for learning communication skills. Your husband is right about one thing; your communication between each other can use work. Invite him to go after taking some courses you approve of and perhaps go to therapy to get a more accurate, objective perspective on your life situations. If that doesn't help, perhaps couples therapy is needed. There are many resources you can utilize in today's world of technology. Read self help books on communication, mindfulness, self improvement, etc.

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Yes in some families it is. From what she wrote in her family it is not and instead of communicating with him about her personal expectations about gifts she took this tactic. I am certain if it was a tradition or standard for her family she would not have done this and would not be concerned that her mother received it. I think they both have work to do.

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My husband never puts anything in my Christmas stocking and every year I’m disappointed so this year I figured I would make an Amazon list for him to give some ideas.

 

Somehow I sent the list to my mom too and when she asked about it I explained it was for my husband. She said she wanted to talk to him about it so she could get me some stuff on it too. I told him this and this giant fight ensued.

 

He told me I have ruined the spirit of Christmas because I don’t care who gets me the items on my list of demands since my mom wants to get me some stuff off it.

 

I explained I only made the list to help give him some ideas.

 

His response is that I am to busy defending myself to comprehend what I did.

 

 

I'm not going to defend your husband for speaking to you the way did, because it was definitely wrong, but I think his annoyance and frustration extend far beyond this one incident.

 

The above quote suggests Xmas for you is all about gifts, for you, versus the true spirit of spending time and connecting with loved ones.

 

I do get receiving gifts are important to some people, it represents how your partner feels about you. Your love language may be 'gift giving.'

 

But if your partner can't relate, and has a different main love language like say "quality time" for example (as I do), there is going to be a clash.

 

You're gonna be hurt he doesn't buy you 'things" and he's gonna think you're self-entitled, which sounds like is exactly what's happening, again far beyond just this one incident.

 

And you are both responding to this clash in negative ways.

 

I agree with Batya, you both have work to do w/r/t better communication re your respective expectations and perhaps even your love languages.

 

I did that recently with my bf and it really helped.

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Yes in some families it is. From what she wrote in her family it is not and instead of communicating with him about her personal expectations about gifts she took this tactic. I am certain if it was a tradition or standard for her family she would not have done this and would not be concerned that her mother received it. I think they both have work to do.

 

My point being is it is a tradition in general. I don't believe the OP had any ill intentions and truly believed this method would have been appropriate. Many do this, even some friends of mine. Some ask what's my list. Others give it out. Their communication can be better, but I don't see how the OP is wrong. Lists serve as a guide in order to make gift giving easier, not a must have everything on said list.

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It sounds like there is a lot of tension as well as very poor communication in your marriage. Is it really about stocking stuffers and Amazon lists? It sounds as though you use a lot of innuendo and passive-aggressive ways of getting what you want, under the guise of innocently "helping give ideas" and "reminding".

 

Keep in mind you didn't marry Santa Claus or any of his elves. Perhaps you need a more mature attitude toward gifts, holidays and especially not recruiting your mother in this mission to turn your husband into the ideal Santa with "hints". It seems your husband is onto your "help" and manipulations.

 

Therapy would help you understand more effective and mature communication and hopefully help you stop acting like a spoiled child and more like a mature partner.

 

This made me laugh! Seriously, why do you demand he stuffs your stocking? I’ve never even heard of that beyond child years.

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My husband never puts anything in my Christmas stocking and every year I’m disappointed so this year I figured I would make an Amazon list for him to give some ideas.

Somehow I sent the list to my mom too and when she asked about it I explained it was for my husband. She said she wanted to talk to him about it so she could get me some stuff on it too. I told him this and this giant fight ensued

 

Looking at this example I can see why the fight happened. Instead of communicating with him, you chose a passive aggressive way of reminding him of your disappointment... and not only this you involved your mom to remind him of how inadequate you feel he is in this area.

 

He definitely handled his response to this situation like a complete a$$hole so your feelings are valid. Your responses to him when he does this are also passive which seems to frustrate him even more.

 

My ex would gaslight me in a similar way until I ended up shutting down completely to avoid dealing with his aggression. The answer isn't to shut down though, it's to either find a better way to communicate or to get comfortable with the idea of letting the relationship go... because what you guys are doing now definitely isn't working.

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Everything about this story is hilarious. Right down from a grown woman being upset her stocking isn't stuffed, to his mother "somehow" getting this list, to him not being able to let it go after two days. To be frank, yeah, your solution being to send him a "list of suggestions" and apparently "by accident" sending it to his mother and involving his family in Operation: Stocking Stuffer is 100% jokeworthy. Still, he's your husband and needs to cool it.

 

I highly doubt aside from this your marriage is hunky dory. It sounds like you've got two people fed up with the dynamic and who have no qualms being obnoxious about it.

 

She sent the list to her mom, not his mom. Still him calling her "good girl", clapping and not letting go for 2 days us ridiculous. He sounds like an immature jerk to say the least.

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I agree with the person who said your husband is likely a narcissist. What you’re describing is gaslighting. Narcissists do it to their “loved” ones all the time. It will never stop and if you have any children, they will receive even more emotional abuse than you do. I would not, under any circumstances, agree with him about the terrible things he says about you, this will only be used against you in further gaslighting sessions. The best thing to do is to simply not say anything at all. Just remain calm on the outside. Once the narcissists sees that they aren’t getting the response they want, they walk away defeated. You need to really ponder whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who will constantly try to make you doubt yourself.

 

Now that I have addressed that situation, I have to agree with the others who have observed that a grown woman insisting on getting a Christmas stocking is odd to say the least. On top of it, you’re actually able to come up with an entire list of things you want to fill the stocking? You’re an adult. Quit focusing on small stuff and pay attention to the bigger issues. Happy Holidays!

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