Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 21

Thread: He makes me feel crazy

  1. #11
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    49,595
    I think they are both handling this poorly. He is acting like a jerk and she is dealing with her disappointment over Christmas gifts by sending him and her mother wish lists. Much more here than about gift giving.

  2. #12
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2015
    Posts
    993
    In my family, it is traditional to make lists for every Christmas. It IS easier for the buyer if there's a diverse list to choose from for a gift. We did it when we were kids to Santa and now as knowing adults in my family. It IS traditional to make a list for Christmas, albeit a forgotten tradition in the transition to adulthood, so it is quite accusatory to say you are passive aggressive without prior incidents.

    He is wrong for belittling you, however this situation is salvageable. Go to classes for learning communication skills. Your husband is right about one thing; your communication between each other can use work. Invite him to go after taking some courses you approve of and perhaps go to therapy to get a more accurate, objective perspective on your life situations. If that doesn't help, perhaps couples therapy is needed. There are many resources you can utilize in today's world of technology. Read self help books on communication, mindfulness, self improvement, etc.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    49,595
    Yes in some families it is. From what she wrote in her family it is not and instead of communicating with him about her personal expectations about gifts she took this tactic. I am certain if it was a tradition or standard for her family she would not have done this and would not be concerned that her mother received it. I think they both have work to do.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    9,068
    Originally Posted by Erx

    My husband never puts anything in my Christmas stocking and every year Iím disappointed so this year I figured I would make an Amazon list for him to give some ideas.

    Somehow I sent the list to my mom too and when she asked about it I explained it was for my husband. She said she wanted to talk to him about it so she could get me some stuff on it too. I told him this and this giant fight ensued.

    He told me I have ruined the spirit of Christmas because I donít care who gets me the items on my list of demands since my mom wants to get me some stuff off it.

    I explained I only made the list to help give him some ideas.

    His response is that I am to busy defending myself to comprehend what I did.
    I'm not going to defend your husband for speaking to you the way did, because it was definitely wrong, but I think his annoyance and frustration extend far beyond this one incident.

    The above quote suggests Xmas for you is all about gifts, for you, versus the true spirit of spending time and connecting with loved ones.

    I do get receiving gifts are important to some people, it represents how your partner feels about you. Your love language may be 'gift giving.'

    But if your partner can't relate, and has a different main love language like say "quality time" for example (as I do), there is going to be a clash.

    You're gonna be hurt he doesn't buy you 'things" and he's gonna think you're self-entitled, which sounds like is exactly what's happening, again far beyond just this one incident.

    And you are both responding to this clash in negative ways.

    I agree with Batya, you both have work to do w/r/t better communication re your respective expectations and perhaps even your love languages.

    I did that recently with my bf and it really helped.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 11-22-2018 at 12:22 PM.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2015
    Posts
    993
    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Yes in some families it is. From what she wrote in her family it is not and instead of communicating with him about her personal expectations about gifts she took this tactic. I am certain if it was a tradition or standard for her family she would not have done this and would not be concerned that her mother received it. I think they both have work to do.
    My point being is it is a tradition in general. I don't believe the OP had any ill intentions and truly believed this method would have been appropriate. Many do this, even some friends of mine. Some ask what's my list. Others give it out. Their communication can be better, but I don't see how the OP is wrong. Lists serve as a guide in order to make gift giving easier, not a must have everything on said list.

  7. #16
    Bronze Member BecxyRex's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
    Posts
    292
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    It sounds like there is a lot of tension as well as very poor communication in your marriage. Is it really about stocking stuffers and Amazon lists? It sounds as though you use a lot of innuendo and passive-aggressive ways of getting what you want, under the guise of innocently "helping give ideas" and "reminding".

    Keep in mind you didn't marry Santa Claus or any of his elves. Perhaps you need a more mature attitude toward gifts, holidays and especially not recruiting your mother in this mission to turn your husband into the ideal Santa with "hints". It seems your husband is onto your "help" and manipulations.

    Therapy would help you understand more effective and mature communication and hopefully help you stop acting like a spoiled child and more like a mature partner.
    This made me laugh! Seriously, why do you demand he stuffs your stocking? Iíve never even heard of that beyond child years.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    9,068
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2

    Keep in mind you didn't marry Santa Claus or any of his elves.
    LOL, this is hilarious!

    Ty Wise for making me laugh today, I soooo needed that!

  9. #18
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    1,334
    My husband never puts anything in my Christmas stocking and every year Iím disappointed so this year I figured I would make an Amazon list for him to give some ideas.
    Somehow I sent the list to my mom too and when she asked about it I explained it was for my husband. She said she wanted to talk to him about it so she could get me some stuff on it too. I told him this and this giant fight ensued
    Looking at this example I can see why the fight happened. Instead of communicating with him, you chose a passive aggressive way of reminding him of your disappointment... and not only this you involved your mom to remind him of how inadequate you feel he is in this area.

    He definitely handled his response to this situation like a complete a$$hole so your feelings are valid. Your responses to him when he does this are also passive which seems to frustrate him even more.

    My ex would gaslight me in a similar way until I ended up shutting down completely to avoid dealing with his aggression. The answer isn't to shut down though, it's to either find a better way to communicate or to get comfortable with the idea of letting the relationship go... because what you guys are doing now definitely isn't working.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    49,595
    Yes and my point is from what I read she took this tactic to avoid the less comfortable but more mature alternative. Many things can be traditions and also abused or misused.
    Last edited by Batya33; 11-22-2018 at 02:52 PM. Reason: Typo

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    Posts
    2,837
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by j.man
    Everything about this story is hilarious. Right down from a grown woman being upset her stocking isn't stuffed, to his mother "somehow" getting this list, to him not being able to let it go after two days. To be frank, yeah, your solution being to send him a "list of suggestions" and apparently "by accident" sending it to his mother and involving his family in Operation: Stocking Stuffer is 100% jokeworthy. Still, he's your husband and needs to cool it.

    I highly doubt aside from this your marriage is hunky dory. It sounds like you've got two people fed up with the dynamic and who have no qualms being obnoxious about it.
    She sent the list to her mom, not his mom. Still him calling her "good girl", clapping and not letting go for 2 days us ridiculous. He sounds like an immature jerk to say the least.

Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •