Living alone after a long term relationship

Hey everyone.

I am a 33 year old female that broke up with my ex in April. We were together for almost ten years and lived together for 8 of them. We were best friends but not compatibale romantically towards the end. We have had NO communication since our split. It was easiest this way overall but i feel very isolated.

I would be interested to hear peoples experience with living alone for the first time. I live in a different country to my family and close friends because we emigrated . I have some friends here but not too many but they are good nice people. I find myself incredibly lonely because i was so used to having my ex living with me. Is it normal to feel so alone?

I am seeing someone new now and he still lives at home and has never moved out of home. He's 29 ( cougar much :) ) he is saving for a house so i understand why but I wonder if we are compatible. i find myself jealous of his family life and being able to go home to his family home. Is this weird? He stays over once or twice a week but works alot and starts VERY early in the morning so it's easier for him to stay at home. This is not an issue. I am just looking for some feedback from anyone who may have had a similar situation. I am scared my loneliness will make me appear needy or look like a loser because i live alone .. I I am very self conscious. At first I didn't tell my new guy about my ex but then I did so he had context of why I was living alone in a different country and he took it well but still I feel super self conscious about it.

Will I live alone forever?

Thanks in advance.

xo

First, let me say that you are still so young to be feeling like that. I can almost guarantee you that you will not be alone forever. I do think though that you you should have waited to date. IMO, it's too soon after your breakup. I don't think you gave yourself enough time to heal. Perhaps it is why you harbour those feelings. I am double your age and I feel isolated and lonely at times but I think it's all part of the healing process. My STBX said he wanted a divorce mid-May. I was a SAHM and I haven't worked since 1992. I was married for 29 years. I was fortunate enough that my STBX made enough money so that I was able to stay home and raise my kids. That, to me, was of utmost importance.

The STBX works at a hospital. We moved here in 2004 so I lost touch with any friends prior to this date. All the people that I know are spouses of the people that he works with. That said, they don't seem to want to reach out to me. Guess they feel uncomfortable or whatever, and I can understand it to a point. I am disappointed with a couple of them because we were close and they could have reached out via Facebook (I'm on often) and sent a "Thinking of you" message. Not too much to ask, IMHO. I don't expect them to take sides but it would have been a nice gesture and something that a genuine friend would do. I do have two wonderful adult sons and 3 friends who are not part of the hospital scene. Two of them are males, and married. My parents are both deceased. I have brother and his family, my MIL, his sister and her family who all live 5 hours away. My cousins live in Europe. No living aunts or uncles. So, I don't have many friends either, OP. I find it really scary at times after being with someone for so many years. Now, I am alone. But, once I heal, I plan to join Meetup groups and meet new people. I am not going to feel sorry for myself and sit home and rot. You have so many more options and opportunities open to you than I do. It's up to you to make your own happiness. Remember that.

Why don't you make your life more full with activities? You need to expand your social life.

It is a bit dramatic to think that you will always be alone . Don't you think it is time to be more independent and not so dependent on others. Not healthy.

Way too early to be dating after a long term relationship.

First, let me say that you are still so young to be feeling like that. I can almost guarantee you that you will not be alone forever. I do think though that you you should have waited to date. IMO, it's too soon after your breakup. I don't think you gave yourself enough time to heal. Perhaps it is why you harbour those feelings. I am double your age and I feel isolated and lonely at times but I think it's all part of the healing process. My STBX said he wanted a divorce mid-May. I was a SAHM and I haven't worked since 1992. I was married for 29 years. I was fortunate enough that my STBX made enough money so that I was able to stay home and raise my kids. That, to me, was of utmost importance.

 

The STBX works at a hospital. We moved here in 2004 so I lost touch with any friends prior to this date. All the people that I know are spouses of the people that he works with. That said, they don't seem to want to reach out to me. Guess they feel uncomfortable or whatever, and I can understand it to a point. I am disappointed with a couple of them because we were close and they could have reached out via Facebook (I'm on often) and sent a "Thinking of you" message. Not too much to ask, IMHO. I don't expect them to take sides but it would have been a nice gesture and something that a genuine friend would do. I do have two wonderful adult sons and 3 friends who are not part of the hospital scene. Two of them are males, and married. My parents are both deceased. I have brother and his family, my MIL, his sister and her family who all live 5 hours away. My cousins live in Europe. No living aunts or uncles. So, I don't have many friends either, OP. I find it really scary at times after being with someone for so many years. Now, I am alone. But, once I heal, I plan to join Meetup groups and meet new people. I am not going to feel sorry for myself and sit home and rot. You have so many more options and opportunities open to you than I do. It's up to you to make your own happiness. Remember that.

Good for you!

Hmm. What country are you in that there's a stigma to living alone? You can always move in with a roommate if you want to. Or if you're that lonely, you could always move back home. You have a lot of options.

It’s normal to feel alone after such a long relationship, but it won’t last forever, if you actively do something to fill your life.

I got a divorce a few years back after a 12 year relationship. 6 of those we were married and having a place to myself at first felt a bit intimidating. I got to appreciate my new freedom pretty soon after though. I got to decorate it the way I wanted, meet friends any time I wanted and have people come over whenever. I started taking lots of classes, went to the gym, worked my job etc.

It’ll take some time to get over someone after this long, but try not to isolate yourself, enjoy your freedom! I’m also not so sure that you’re ready to date just yet, because it seems like you’re not comfortable on your own yet.

Unfortunately it sounds like you are filling a void. You are compatible because you fill an empty house and he can pretend to be a grown up and get away from mom and dad for a while. Make sure you don't get in mothering or free bed and breakfast mode with him just to quell loneliness.

It may be a good idea to date more mature and independent men who are available for real adult relationships and have cut the apron strings.

I find myself incredibly lonely because i was so used to having my ex living with me.

I am seeing someone new now and he still lives at home and has never moved out of home. He stays over once or twice a week but works alot and starts VERY early in the morning so it's easier for him to stay at home.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read my post and for taking the time to reply. You have all made points that I have thought but not considered truly so now i realise i NEED to be more mindful of what my gut tells me. I do have hobbies. I train in Martial arts 4 times a week and run alot and do yoga and am currently in the process of working on developing a new career. I do need to work on my emotional intelligence though. As the clouds clear i can start to see the forest from the trees. Thank you everyone for your input I really like this new man and part of me is ALWAYS worrying he will leave me ( hangover from ex i think ) and It scares me because i told him about my ex and now I see myself as tainted goods. I wish you all happiness xo

Good for you!

Thank you, Hollyj!