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Life is hard with a kid


Mr.Mister

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Many years ago, I met a beautiful woman, whom I fell madly in love with, and I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. So, we got married. Everything was going great, until we had our daughter.

 

I always hear other dad's saying they fell in love with their children the minute they saw them. And, even with all the difficulties of raising a child, their hearts are filled with joy from having a child. I don't know why, but I didn't feel any different when my baby girl was born, and I still feel no different a year later. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter, but she doesn't bring me this, like, life-affirming joy a lot of people claim to receive from having kids.

 

My wife is wonderful, and I feel as though she completes me, so I'm very happy to be with her. But now, ever since she had the baby, we seem distant; like, we barely get to spend time together. Also, my job is actually pretty decent (good pay and very lenient employers), but I'm starting to get sick of it, and feel somewhat stuck going there, whether I want to or not.

 

I feel extremely sad lately, since I have no time to do anything that I wish, I barely get to have fun, and I miss my wife. But, I feel even worse because I feel like I'm not allowed to feel that way, as others near me have it a lot worse.

 

For example, my wife is currently a stay-at-home mom, so she has to deal with our crying baby through all the tantrums and sicknesses and whatever else happens, all while trying to deal with severe wrist pain she started having after giving birth.

 

I'm sure things will get better as our kid gets older, so I probably just have to suffer through, but it's hard. Like, really hard, and it makes me cry. Even so, I'll just deal with it, and will continue to look towards the future to have my life back somewhat.

 

What's also nerve-racking is that my wife wants to have a second baby, since she thinks having an only child won't be so good for the kid. I'm ok with having another one, but that just means it'll take a few more years before I can do anything again. Ugh.

 

I doubt I'll get much sympathy on here, but I mostly just wanted to vent my frustrations. Not really sure what else I can do to feel better, besides just waiting patiently for things to get better...

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First few years with little kids is difficult . It is. Period. I adore kids and have my own but he’s an adult now. And I have my own home daycare .

 

Take heart the first few years are difficult . Maybe though you will get into it when your child is more interactive with you . Maybe instead of thinking about it as when you get your wife back think about it as when I can do some fun and playful interactive things with my children .

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You've posted about this before. A few times, if I recall correctly.

 

Have you any thought to the suggestion of changing things NOW instead of just shrugging your shoulders and having the attitude of 'this is just the way it has to be."?

 

There's nothing set in stone here, you could change things up. Maybe that means she goes back to work at least part time, and you can spend more time at home with your child and family and won't feel obligated to stay in a particular job. Maybe that means finding reliable childcare sometimes so you and your wife can go on dates. Etc. Endless possibilities.

 

But you aren't stuck and you shouldn't just ignore being miserable.

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I was home full time for 7 years. Now work part time. One child who is 9. I never ever remember it as having to endure tantrums and sickness. There were both (less sickness the first 3 years because he wasn’t in day care). It was hard work and the best job in the world even though I had no family help (they would have loved to and couldn’t other than my niece who was our mothers helper part time for a few months in the 4th and 5th years )

 

. I mean I worked my tail off for 15 years in an intense stressful environment and I don’t just remember the stressful times. If your wife sees her role and job as mostly drudgery and mostly “dealing with tantrums” rather than mostly what she is glad to do and partly drudgery then it’s probdbly better if she gets at least part time help and takes care of her needs / then it’s not the right role for her and it probably is adding to your negative mindset. How much one on one time do you spend with your daughter and what do you do at those times ?

 

My husband used to spend hours playing and being silly and singing with our baby and then toddler and still does - age appropriate. They’d fill up a dump truck with Cheerios and push it along a table top then he’d yell “dump it!!!!” And he would all over. Then clean it up and rinse repeat. Never got old. Or he’d take him on nature walks and they’d look at trees and feed ducks and later roll and play with a ball or collect sticks and leaves. And again lots of songs and lots of “tours” of the apartment while holding him. And story time. And yes he changed diapers and fed and all that stuff when he was home.

 

He worked very long hours and traveled a lot. Yes we loved our baby before he was born and we were both over the moon but what I’m suggesting is since this is your child you figure out activities and games to connect with her and you initiate taking on the work of diapers and feeding and helping when she wakes up at night if you can do that and not jeopardize your job performance. I did over 90% of that and happily and accepted it but when my husband was home he didn’t expect me to change all diapers etc. and I appreciated his mindset of rolling up his sleeves and doing that stuff.

 

Also does your wife want someone to help with cleaning? She is home mostly to take care of your daughter so maybe a cleaning service can help. Change the vibes in your home and that will promote bonding and may help you get your heart in a better place. Fake it till you make it for your daughters sake. It’s not about tantrums and ear infections. Just like your job isn’t about those negative times either. If it is start looking for something else. That will help too.

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Firstly, the way you describe how you feel about your daughter sounds more like resentment than love. I don't think you should be having a second child, I seriously don't.

You sound miserable and seem to hold it against the baby whether you see it or not.

 

What you should do, is seek treatment for depression. You sound very unhappy.

Truth be told, I don't think you're one who should have had children. You should have married a woman who didn't want any and you and she could have lived out your life just with each other.

 

You see children as a burden rather than a privilege.

 

Life will change again after you have a second one. It will create more of a divide between the life you had with your wife and how it is now. I think you'll be even more miserable.

And a child should not be punished over having a life with a dad who is that unhappy that they came along.

Not judging you, just being honest.

 

Life changes after kids, that's a guarantee. It doesn't sound like you like the change.

Get marriage counseling as well as personal counseling and put the plans for baby number 2 on hold.

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From march ..

 

I love my wife with all my heart, and I wanted to start a family with her. So, she gave birth to our daughter in November of last year. Now, our baby is 4 months old, and she makes me madder than anything ever.

 

I'm usually a very kind and gentle person, and people introduce me as such. Even so, my baby girl pisses me off more than I've ever experienced; I've never been so mad.

 

How long until she gets old enough that she doesn't piss me off and annoy the out of me all the time? I mean she is super cute and I love her, but sometimes she drives me up the wall. Of course, I will keep her safe and be as kind to her as possible, but, inside, I am exploding with anger. Everyone says it'll get better, so how long until that happens?

 

I think you have a condition ....

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From march ..

 

 

 

I think you have a condition ....

 

Yes, he does - MS.

 

My understanding of MS is that lesions can develop anywhere in the brain so symptoms present wildly differently in people with MS.

 

Could you possibly have a lesion in the emotional center of your brain? Could you consult with a neurologist?

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Years ago there was a site, it was call truuconfessions and they had true dad confessions true Mom confessions true office confessions etc. and a ton of women complained to get it taken down because they’re was an enormous amount of men and some women too who straight up HATED their lives

 

I’m not going to sit here and tell you there’s something wrong with you because you aren’t following the norm, parenting is not for everyone, it’s not and that’s doesn’t make you a bad person for not wanting to be a parent.

 

But with that being said, your child is here now so you’re gonna have to make lemonaid with those lemons. Don’t be another one of these deadbeat men who run out.

 

Talk to your wife and if this continues talk to a therapist. But also realize you aren’t a freak because you don’t like being a parent.

 

Also I agree with others for the lovenof all that is holy do not have another kid

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Could you possibly have a lesion in the emotional center of your brain? Could you consult with a neurologist?

 

My neurologist has talked to me about this before. He said the area that controls emotion is fully intact, but there is a lesion there, so that's why I'm more logical thinking. That could be part of it.

 

Also, I have heard mood swings are common in people with MS, so that might explain why I get so pissed at my daughter sometimes, though that rarely happens anymore. It's gotten a lot better, though she can still pick me off sometimes, but that's not her fault and I try not to let her see I'm upset.

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There's nothing set in stone here, you could change things up. Maybe that means she goes back to work at least part time, and you can spend more time at home with your child and family and won't feel obligated to stay in a particular job. Maybe that means finding reliable childcare sometimes so you and your wife can go on dates. Etc. Endless possibilities.

 

But you aren't stuck and you shouldn't just ignore being miserable.

My wife is Japanese, so we live in Japan now, so the day care/nursery schools are run differently than in the States. We could pay a buttload of money to a daycare for them to watch her for the day, but my wife is not interested in having other people watch her. She enjoys hanging out with her and loves being a mom. She's happy; just has to deal with wrist pain and things like lack of sleep. It's me that's complaining, not her.

 

We have a family friend that would be more than happy to watch her for a few hours, while we go out somewhere, but my wife doesn't want to leave her somewhere where she'll not be comfortable. She's at the "stranger danger" phase still, so it takes a couple days to get used to someone enough for them to just hold her without her crying a bunch.

 

I also want time to myself, and having our baby in a daycare won't address that at all. If my wife wants to go back to work, then she will, but who knows if/when that'll be.

 

Just gotta give it time.

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But with that being said, your child is here now so you’re gonna have to make lemonaid with those lemons. Don’t be another one of these deadbeat men who run out.

 

That's not even an option. I love my wife more than anything in the universe, and would do anything to make her happy. So, I could never leave her!

 

You are right though. I will try my best to make the best out of what I've been given, even if I'm not really enjoying it all right now. Thanks for the reply.

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My wife is Japanese, so we live in Japan now, so the day care/nursery schools are run differently than in the States. We could pay a buttload of money to a daycare for them to watch her for the day, but my wife is not interested in having other people watch her. She enjoys hanging out with her and loves being a mom. She's happy; just has to deal with wrist pain and things like lack of sleep. It's me that's complaining, not her.

 

We have a family friend that would be more than happy to watch her for a few hours, while we go out somewhere, but my wife doesn't want to leave her somewhere where she'll not be comfortable. She's at the "stranger danger" phase still, so it takes a couple days to get used to someone enough for them to just hold her without her crying a bunch.

 

I also want time to myself, and having our baby in a daycare won't address that at all. If my wife wants to go back to work, then she will, but who knows if/when that'll be.

 

Just gotta give it time.

 

Wow. So no, you aren't willing to do anything. Sounds like wife calls the shots and that's it.

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Wow. So no, you aren't willing to do anything. Sounds like wife calls the shots and that's it.

 

Well... sounds like he’s talked to her. What else is he supposed to do? I don’t understand the tone of your message.

 

I think it’s commendable OP is trying to keep his wife happy. I also thing the honesty is commendable. It’s hard to admit these things.

 

OP, I don’t have MS but I have friends who do. Their symptoms currently present mostly as fatigue and bathroom urges, but I don’t know what is going on psychologically for them.

 

Having MS, being in a new country, being a new dad - that’s a LOT. A LOT.

 

Remember that and be patient.

 

Try and find ways to bond with your daughter. When you get angry, stop and try to logic out the anger. Easier said than done! Why am I upset? How can I stop being upset?

 

Etc.

 

Also, I think your point is fair. Yes, technically your baby is a person. But their personality will grow and foster and be more interactive. I get looking forward to that time.

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I doubt I'll get much sympathy on here, but I mostly just wanted to vent my frustrations.

You’re not alone. I’m in the same boat as you and feel the same way with my 3 month old. My Husband is unemployed and knew about it the week before I went into labor. That and because I didn’t qualify for FMLA, I ended up returning to work without full recovery within 4 weeks of maternity leave. My work is high stress though I love the people/clients I work with. I want out just as bad.

 

I’m F’ing miserable, and I definitely feel you. You are not a terrible person. YOU. ARE. NOT. HORRIBLE. Parenting is insanely harder than what people make it out to be. Nobody goes through parenthood the same way as everyone else. You do you to make it and survive. Keep your head low and keep moving forward.

 

Yes, he does - MS.

 

My understanding of MS is that lesions can develop anywhere in the brain so symptoms present wildly differently in people with MS.

Is this confirmed by a professional in mental health services? Has the OP seen a therapist who’s confirmed it?

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I think you need someone to talk to. Maybe your neurologist can recommend a therapist. There are a lot of things you can't really change about your life, and the MS may be causing depression in addition to your situation. Talking things out and maybe getting some meds might help you feel better.

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Did you ever think, find some fun stuff to do with your kid? Kids can be really fun if you give them the chance, especially as they get older. My daughter is now at a fun age where she’s becoming more independent and can do things for herself, and we can also do fun things together, like play board games (you get the chance to play all those fun games from when you were a kid!), go hiking, go bowling, things like that. Being miserable won’t solve any problems; it will only make things worse.

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Mom of a 19 month old over here. Taking care of a toddler is hard and sometimes it's also pretty boring to run a car over the carpet for an hour making wooshing sounds. I totally get it. Vacation isn't the same it used to be with a little one in tow and couple's nights out are more rare. I still wouldn't trade this for my previous freedom. I love my daughter beyond anything and she brings me tons of joy. It's important to recognize that it's not all sunshine and rainbows at all times though, and people are afraid to admit that.

 

It's important to come to terms with the situation at hand. A couple of years of hard work, but I've heard from everyone that it gets soooo much easier the older the kids get. When you can reason with them and they can clearly tell you what they want. You'll still have different challenges, but you know what I mean.

 

I know a mom in my friend circle who is from Japan and from what I can tell they practice strong attachment parenting where the child sleeps in the family bed for many years sometimes. Is it possible your wife may fall into that category? I only ask, because she's reluctant to hand your daughter off "to a stranger" for even a bit of time. We have a baby sitter we rely on for a couple nights and it's great help for date nights. I also go out to meet friends at night when my daughter is asleep and my fiance watches her. I do the same for him. We both work and our daughter is in daycare, but I've taken a few vacation days here and there where it's just doing stuff I want until I pick her up. Massage or brunch or a movie in the theater. It's so good to throw some self care into it all. Do you have these options?

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Mom of a 19 month old over here. Taking care of a toddler is hard and sometimes it's also pretty boring to run a car over the carpet for an hour making wooshing sounds. I totally get it. Vacation isn't the same it used to be with a little one in tow and couple's nights out are more rare. I still wouldn't trade this for my previous freedom. I love my daughter beyond anything and she brings me tons of joy. It's important to recognize that it's not all sunshine and rainbows at all times though, and people are afraid to admit that.

 

It's important to come to terms with the situation at hand. A couple of years of hard work, but I've heard from everyone that it gets soooo much easier the older the kids get. When you can reason with them and they can clearly tell you what they want. You'll still have different challenges, but you know what I mean.

 

I know a mom in my friend circle who is from Japan and from what I can tell they practice strong attachment parenting where the child sleeps in the family bed for many years sometimes. Is it possible your wife may fall into that category? I only ask, because she's reluctant to hand your daughter off "to a stranger" for even a bit of time. We have a baby sitter we rely on for a couple nights and it's great help for date nights. I also go out to meet friends at night when my daughter is asleep and my fiance watches her. I do the same for him. We both work and our daughter is in daycare, but I've taken a few vacation days here and there where it's just doing stuff I want until I pick her up. Massage or brunch or a movie in the theater. It's so good to throw some self care into it all. Do you have these options?

 

Yes, I do admit it is very difficult especially during the first few years. It’s hard to find the time, especially as a mom, to get the self-care that you need. I didn’t get a mani-pedi for like four years. A good time to get time away for your self is when they are in school or daycare for the day, you take the day off work and leave them in daycare. You’re paying for it anyway so ... the first time I did that, was when my daughter was around 2, I felt guilty at first but then I realized I really need the time to myself. Even just to run errands. And when I told a couple of people about it, they said that they do the same thing, so I didn’t feel that bad. :-)

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get your frustrations out.. it's okay.

it was a little bit unrealistic on your part to think your life WOUDN'T change with a kid... and that you coudl still be like you were a "dating couple" while having a baby. yes.. BABIES CHANGE LIVES! BIG TIME! In fact i hear that life never goes back to being the same once you have a kid.

 

HOWEVER.. fulfillment and life comes in a different form and fashion and that's the trade-off. It probably means you should have waited a bit longer before having a baby. I nkow with me, being a very old bachelor (about to turn 50), if and when i meet my lifemate i know the smart thing to do is to NOT have a baby right away (even though everybody will tell me to do so as i'm getting old lol.) But i won't because i will want to enjoy the relationsihp first.

 

Anyway.. first and foremost IT IS OKAY for you to struggle with the idea your life isn't your own right now. That's what all parents must come to terms with.

Secondly, it sounds like you may need to start thinking of looking for a different job sitution (be it same job elsewhere, different career, etc.)

Thirdly, not sure how old your kid is - but find a TRUSTWORTHY babysitter - aka family, friends, relatives, trustworthy neighbors, etc. and make sure you save some time (monthly minimum, if you can weekly) to schedule a date with your wife and do "date things" - this should help in that dept. I've always told people "DON'T FORGET TO STOP DATING" once they've settled in and gotten comfortable. It's the #1 thing people stop doing which is why relationships go stagnant and fail. So don't forget to DATE YOUR WIFE! :)

Lastly, the first child is ALWAYS the toughest. BIG TIME. As more come into play - it gets easier. its kind of like a new teacher. The first year is HARD because you have to develop all your lessons, materials, schedule, ideas, etc. But after the first year, you can re-use your old materials and lessons and thus they're all ready to go... i'ts just bringing them back out for each new class each new year. Parenting is the same. Repeating the same things you had to go thru with the first kid becomes easier and less stressful with each iteration.

 

Hopefully this helped in some way.

Hang in there.

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Yes, I do admit it is very difficult especially during the first few years. It’s hard to find the time, especially as a mom, to get the self-care that you need. I didn’t get a mani-pedi for like four years. A good time to get time away for your self is when they are in school or daycare for the day, you take the day off work and leave them in daycare. You’re paying for it anyway so ... the first time I did that, was when my daughter was around 2, I felt guilty at first but then I realized I really need the time to myself. Even just to run errands. And when I told a couple of people about it, they said that they do the same thing, so I didn’t feel that bad. :-)

 

Absolutely! I sometimes just clean the entire house when she's at daycare, because anyone with a toddler knows they love to be exactly where you're cleaning up ;) I think it's just as important to make time for yourself to be fully there for the kids. And they are in good hands for the time being so it's perfect.

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Well... sounds like he’s talked to her. What else is he supposed to do? I don’t understand the tone of your message.

 

I think it’s commendable OP is trying to keep his wife happy. I also thing the honesty is commendable. It’s hard to admit these things.

 

OP, I don’t have MS but I have friends who do. Their symptoms currently present mostly as fatigue and bathroom urges, but I don’t know what is going on psychologically for them.

 

Having MS, being in a new country, being a new dad - that’s a LOT. A LOT.

 

Remember that and be patient.

 

Try and find ways to bond with your daughter. When you get angry, stop and try to logic out the anger. Easier said than done! Why am I upset? How can I stop being upset?

 

Etc.

 

Also, I think your point is fair. Yes, technically your baby is a person. But their personality will grow and foster and be more interactive. I get looking forward to that time.

 

There's lots of things he can do. It starts with recognizing his needs and wants are as important as his wife's. It could be he is sinking further and further into a depression. He misses his wife, he's miserable, he feels stuck.

Instead of ignoring all this and thinking it's a normal part of being a parent, to just put up and get more miserable and go along with another kid, maybe he needs to realize it doesn't have to be like that.

 

I'm not saying parenthood is all sunshine and rainbows. But people do have kids and both partners are happy with their lives. Right now, she's happy, he's not, so it seems obvious to me to change what they are doing. It great to want your partner to be happy but it goes two ways. She shouldn't be ignoring what he needs because it suits her. She shouldn't be killing time together because she doesn't want to let go of the baby for two seconds.

 

Can you imagine knowing your partner was miserable and under the impression that he's not allowed to voice that because he thinks you have it so much worse being a full time mom?! That to me is insanity.

 

Instead of making himself a martyr in the name of giving her what she wants and keeping her happy, he could speak up and correct what isn't working. Partnership is two people balancing - if it keeps up like this, he'll wear himself down to nothing. Makes no sense.

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