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Thread: Life is hard with a kid

  1. #1
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    Life is hard with a kid

    Many years ago, I met a beautiful woman, whom I fell madly in love with, and I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. So, we got married. Everything was going great, until we had our daughter.

    I always hear other dad's saying they fell in love with their children the minute they saw them. And, even with all the difficulties of raising a child, their hearts are filled with joy from having a child. I don't know why, but I didn't feel any different when my baby girl was born, and I still feel no different a year later. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter, but she doesn't bring me this, like, life-affirming joy a lot of people claim to receive from having kids.

    My wife is wonderful, and I feel as though she completes me, so I'm very happy to be with her. But now, ever since she had the baby, we seem distant; like, we barely get to spend time together. Also, my job is actually pretty decent (good pay and very lenient employers), but I'm starting to get sick of it, and feel somewhat stuck going there, whether I want to or not.

    I feel extremely sad lately, since I have no time to do anything that I wish, I barely get to have fun, and I miss my wife. But, I feel even worse because I feel like I'm not allowed to feel that way, as others near me have it a lot worse.

    For example, my wife is currently a stay-at-home mom, so she has to deal with our crying baby through all the tantrums and sicknesses and whatever else happens, all while trying to deal with severe wrist pain she started having after giving birth.

    I'm sure things will get better as our kid gets older, so I probably just have to suffer through, but it's hard. Like, really hard, and it makes me cry. Even so, I'll just deal with it, and will continue to look towards the future to have my life back somewhat.

    What's also nerve-racking is that my wife wants to have a second baby, since she thinks having an only child won't be so good for the kid. I'm ok with having another one, but that just means it'll take a few more years before I can do anything again. Ugh.

    I doubt I'll get much sympathy on here, but I mostly just wanted to vent my frustrations. Not really sure what else I can do to feel better, besides just waiting patiently for things to get better...

  2. #2
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    First few years with little kids is difficult . It is. Period. I adore kids and have my own but he’s an adult now. And I have my own home daycare .

    Take heart the first few years are difficult . Maybe though you will get into it when your child is more interactive with you . Maybe instead of thinking about it as when you get your wife back think about it as when I can do some fun and playful interactive things with my children .

  3. #3
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    You've posted about this before. A few times, if I recall correctly.

    Have you any thought to the suggestion of changing things NOW instead of just shrugging your shoulders and having the attitude of 'this is just the way it has to be."?

    There's nothing set in stone here, you could change things up. Maybe that means she goes back to work at least part time, and you can spend more time at home with your child and family and won't feel obligated to stay in a particular job. Maybe that means finding reliable childcare sometimes so you and your wife can go on dates. Etc. Endless possibilities.

    But you aren't stuck and you shouldn't just ignore being miserable.

  4. #4
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    I was home full time for 7 years. Now work part time. One child who is 9. I never ever remember it as having to endure tantrums and sickness. There were both (less sickness the first 3 years because he wasn’t in day care). It was hard work and the best job in the world even though I had no family help (they would have loved to and couldn’t other than my niece who was our mothers helper part time for a few months in the 4th and 5th years )

    . I mean I worked my tail off for 15 years in an intense stressful environment and I don’t just remember the stressful times. If your wife sees her role and job as mostly drudgery and mostly “dealing with tantrums” rather than mostly what she is glad to do and partly drudgery then it’s probdbly better if she gets at least part time help and takes care of her needs / then it’s not the right role for her and it probably is adding to your negative mindset. How much one on one time do you spend with your daughter and what do you do at those times ?

    My husband used to spend hours playing and being silly and singing with our baby and then toddler and still does - age appropriate. They’d fill up a dump truck with Cheerios and push it along a table top then he’d yell “dump it!!!!” And he would all over. Then clean it up and rinse repeat. Never got old. Or he’d take him on nature walks and they’d look at trees and feed ducks and later roll and play with a ball or collect sticks and leaves. And again lots of songs and lots of “tours” of the apartment while holding him. And story time. And yes he changed diapers and fed and all that stuff when he was home.

    He worked very long hours and traveled a lot. Yes we loved our baby before he was born and we were both over the moon but what I’m suggesting is since this is your child you figure out activities and games to connect with her and you initiate taking on the work of diapers and feeding and helping when she wakes up at night if you can do that and not jeopardize your job performance. I did over 90% of that and happily and accepted it but when my husband was home he didn’t expect me to change all diapers etc. and I appreciated his mindset of rolling up his sleeves and doing that stuff.

    Also does your wife want someone to help with cleaning? She is home mostly to take care of your daughter so maybe a cleaning service can help. Change the vibes in your home and that will promote bonding and may help you get your heart in a better place. Fake it till you make it for your daughters sake. It’s not about tantrums and ear infections. Just like your job isn’t about those negative times either. If it is start looking for something else. That will help too.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Firstly, the way you describe how you feel about your daughter sounds more like resentment than love. I don't think you should be having a second child, I seriously don't.
    You sound miserable and seem to hold it against the baby whether you see it or not.

    What you should do, is seek treatment for depression. You sound very unhappy.
    Truth be told, I don't think you're one who should have had children. You should have married a woman who didn't want any and you and she could have lived out your life just with each other.

    You see children as a burden rather than a privilege.

    Life will change again after you have a second one. It will create more of a divide between the life you had with your wife and how it is now. I think you'll be even more miserable.
    And a child should not be punished over having a life with a dad who is that unhappy that they came along.
    Not judging you, just being honest.

    Life changes after kids, that's a guarantee. It doesn't sound like you like the change.
    Get marriage counseling as well as personal counseling and put the plans for baby number 2 on hold.

  7. #6
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    From march ..

    I love my wife with all my heart, and I wanted to start a family with her. So, she gave birth to our daughter in November of last year. Now, our baby is 4 months old, and she makes me madder than anything ever.

    I'm usually a very kind and gentle person, and people introduce me as such. Even so, my baby girl pisses me off more than I've ever experienced; I've never been so mad.

    How long until she gets old enough that she doesn't piss me off and annoy the out of me all the time? I mean she is super cute and I love her, but sometimes she drives me up the wall. Of course, I will keep her safe and be as kind to her as possible, but, inside, I am exploding with anger. Everyone says it'll get better, so how long until that happens?
    I think you have a condition ....

  8. #7
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by pippy longstocking
    From march ..



    I think you have a condition ....
    Yes, he does - MS.

    My understanding of MS is that lesions can develop anywhere in the brain so symptoms present wildly differently in people with MS.

    Could you possibly have a lesion in the emotional center of your brain? Could you consult with a neurologist?

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by mustlovedogs
    Yes, he does - MS.

    My understanding of MS is that lesions can develop anywhere in the brain so symptoms present wildly differently in people with MS.

    Could you possibly have a lesion in the emotional center of your brain? Could you consult with a neurologist?
    That's interesting and sure worth exploring op

  10. #9
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Years ago there was a site, it was call truuconfessions and they had true dad confessions true Mom confessions true office confessions etc. and a ton of women complained to get it taken down because they’re was an enormous amount of men and some women too who straight up HATED their lives

    I’m not going to sit here and tell you there’s something wrong with you because you aren’t following the norm, parenting is not for everyone, it’s not and that’s doesn’t make you a bad person for not wanting to be a parent.

    But with that being said, your child is here now so you’re gonna have to make lemonaid with those lemons. Don’t be another one of these deadbeat men who run out.

    Talk to your wife and if this continues talk to a therapist. But also realize you aren’t a freak because you don’t like being a parent.

    Also I agree with others for the lovenof all that is holy do not have another kid

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by mustlovedogs
    Could you possibly have a lesion in the emotional center of your brain? Could you consult with a neurologist?
    My neurologist has talked to me about this before. He said the area that controls emotion is fully intact, but there is a lesion there, so that's why I'm more logical thinking. That could be part of it.

    Also, I have heard mood swings are common in people with MS, so that might explain why I get so pissed at my daughter sometimes, though that rarely happens anymore. It's gotten a lot better, though she can still pick me off sometimes, but that's not her fault and I try not to let her see I'm upset.

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