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Thread: Life is hard with a kid

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by BecxyRex
    Mom of a 19 month old over here. Taking care of a toddler is hard and sometimes it's also pretty boring to run a car over the carpet for an hour making wooshing sounds. I totally get it. Vacation isn't the same it used to be with a little one in tow and couple's nights out are more rare. I still wouldn't trade this for my previous freedom. I love my daughter beyond anything and she brings me tons of joy. It's important to recognize that it's not all sunshine and rainbows at all times though, and people are afraid to admit that.

    It's important to come to terms with the situation at hand. A couple of years of hard work, but I've heard from everyone that it gets soooo much easier the older the kids get. When you can reason with them and they can clearly tell you what they want. You'll still have different challenges, but you know what I mean.

    I know a mom in my friend circle who is from Japan and from what I can tell they practice strong attachment parenting where the child sleeps in the family bed for many years sometimes. Is it possible your wife may fall into that category? I only ask, because she's reluctant to hand your daughter off "to a stranger" for even a bit of time. We have a baby sitter we rely on for a couple nights and it's great help for date nights. I also go out to meet friends at night when my daughter is asleep and my fiance watches her. I do the same for him. We both work and our daughter is in daycare, but I've taken a few vacation days here and there where it's just doing stuff I want until I pick her up. Massage or brunch or a movie in the theater. It's so good to throw some self care into it all. Do you have these options?
    Yes, I do admit it is very difficult especially during the first few years. Itís hard to find the time, especially as a mom, to get the self-care that you need. I didnít get a mani-pedi for like four years. A good time to get time away for your self is when they are in school or daycare for the day, you take the day off work and leave them in daycare. Youíre paying for it anyway so ... the first time I did that, was when my daughter was around 2, I felt guilty at first but then I realized I really need the time to myself. Even just to run errands. And when I told a couple of people about it, they said that they do the same thing, so I didnít feel that bad. :-)

  2. #22
    Bronze Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    get your frustrations out.. it's okay.
    it was a little bit unrealistic on your part to think your life WOUDN'T change with a kid... and that you coudl still be like you were a "dating couple" while having a baby. yes.. BABIES CHANGE LIVES! BIG TIME! In fact i hear that life never goes back to being the same once you have a kid.

    HOWEVER.. fulfillment and life comes in a different form and fashion and that's the trade-off. It probably means you should have waited a bit longer before having a baby. I nkow with me, being a very old bachelor (about to turn 50), if and when i meet my lifemate i know the smart thing to do is to NOT have a baby right away (even though everybody will tell me to do so as i'm getting old lol.) But i won't because i will want to enjoy the relationsihp first.

    Anyway.. first and foremost IT IS OKAY for you to struggle with the idea your life isn't your own right now. That's what all parents must come to terms with.
    Secondly, it sounds like you may need to start thinking of looking for a different job sitution (be it same job elsewhere, different career, etc.)
    Thirdly, not sure how old your kid is - but find a TRUSTWORTHY babysitter - aka family, friends, relatives, trustworthy neighbors, etc. and make sure you save some time (monthly minimum, if you can weekly) to schedule a date with your wife and do "date things" - this should help in that dept. I've always told people "DON'T FORGET TO STOP DATING" once they've settled in and gotten comfortable. It's the #1 thing people stop doing which is why relationships go stagnant and fail. So don't forget to DATE YOUR WIFE! :)
    Lastly, the first child is ALWAYS the toughest. BIG TIME. As more come into play - it gets easier. its kind of like a new teacher. The first year is HARD because you have to develop all your lessons, materials, schedule, ideas, etc. But after the first year, you can re-use your old materials and lessons and thus they're all ready to go... i'ts just bringing them back out for each new class each new year. Parenting is the same. Repeating the same things you had to go thru with the first kid becomes easier and less stressful with each iteration.

    Hopefully this helped in some way.
    Hang in there.

  3. #23
    Bronze Member BecxyRex's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DaisyMayPorter
    Yes, I do admit it is very difficult especially during the first few years. Itís hard to find the time, especially as a mom, to get the self-care that you need. I didnít get a mani-pedi for like four years. A good time to get time away for your self is when they are in school or daycare for the day, you take the day off work and leave them in daycare. Youíre paying for it anyway so ... the first time I did that, was when my daughter was around 2, I felt guilty at first but then I realized I really need the time to myself. Even just to run errands. And when I told a couple of people about it, they said that they do the same thing, so I didnít feel that bad. :-)
    Absolutely! I sometimes just clean the entire house when she's at daycare, because anyone with a toddler knows they love to be exactly where you're cleaning up ;) I think it's just as important to make time for yourself to be fully there for the kids. And they are in good hands for the time being so it's perfect.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by mustlovedogs
    Well... sounds like heís talked to her. What else is he supposed to do? I donít understand the tone of your message.

    I think itís commendable OP is trying to keep his wife happy. I also thing the honesty is commendable. Itís hard to admit these things.

    OP, I donít have MS but I have friends who do. Their symptoms currently present mostly as fatigue and bathroom urges, but I donít know what is going on psychologically for them.

    Having MS, being in a new country, being a new dad - thatís a LOT. A LOT.

    Remember that and be patient.

    Try and find ways to bond with your daughter. When you get angry, stop and try to logic out the anger. Easier said than done! Why am I upset? How can I stop being upset?

    Etc.

    Also, I think your point is fair. Yes, technically your baby is a person. But their personality will grow and foster and be more interactive. I get looking forward to that time.
    There's lots of things he can do. It starts with recognizing his needs and wants are as important as his wife's. It could be he is sinking further and further into a depression. He misses his wife, he's miserable, he feels stuck.
    Instead of ignoring all this and thinking it's a normal part of being a parent, to just put up and get more miserable and go along with another kid, maybe he needs to realize it doesn't have to be like that.

    I'm not saying parenthood is all sunshine and rainbows. But people do have kids and both partners are happy with their lives. Right now, she's happy, he's not, so it seems obvious to me to change what they are doing. It great to want your partner to be happy but it goes two ways. She shouldn't be ignoring what he needs because it suits her. She shouldn't be killing time together because she doesn't want to let go of the baby for two seconds.

    Can you imagine knowing your partner was miserable and under the impression that he's not allowed to voice that because he thinks you have it so much worse being a full time mom?! That to me is insanity.

    Instead of making himself a martyr in the name of giving her what she wants and keeping her happy, he could speak up and correct what isn't working. Partnership is two people balancing - if it keeps up like this, he'll wear himself down to nothing. Makes no sense.

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  6. #25
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Snny
    Is this confirmed by a professional in mental health services? Has the OP seen a therapist whoís confirmed it?
    That's what I'd like to know too. Is MS actually diagnosed by a qualified professional, or is this just a random "internet diagnosis"?

  7. #26
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Capricorn3
    That's what I'd like to know too. Is MS actually diagnosed by a qualified professional, or is this just a random "internet diagnosis"?
    Itís diagnosed...

    He had a post about a recent lesion development.

    MS gets misdiagnosed (MISSED) by neurologists all the time. I doubt anyone would self diagnose without seeing a doctor...

  8. #27
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by mustlovedogs
    Itís diagnosed...

    He had a post about a recent lesion development.

    MS gets misdiagnosed (MISSED) by neurologists all the time. I doubt anyone would self diagnose without seeing a doctor...
    Thank you. I missed that post. So there is a lesion, but does that automatically mean you have MS? That's where I am stuck on - was MS actually confirmed by a neurologist, or is everyone just guessing/assuming that he "must have MS"? Not arguing, just want clarification.

    (As to self-diagnosis: over the many years on ENA, we have had many many people who believe they have some kind of illness but never been to a doctor and never got a professional opinion. They just believed and "knew" they had something wrong. Again, not arguing, just seen this a lot on ENA and that's why ask for clarification).

  9. #28
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Plenty of sympathy from me, and I believe that it's easy to perceive a bit too much 'shoulding' about children. I'd mentally challenge that to find your level of comfort between stereotypical extremes. There is no need to cater to some imagined judge and jury in your head merely because you haven't found some imagined sweet spot of parental bliss.

    I can recall a time when media set me up to believe that the work world was a hostile and hyper-competitive place, even while reality taught me that people are voluntarily generous--even when there's nothing in it for them. I started leaning into my learned experience around socially charged situations, and I found my observations to be true: people are less poised to judge and find fault than you may have been conditioned to believe.

    They are also NOT commonly blissful in comparison--and that's important to grasp to avoid feeling isolated.

    my wife doesn't want to leave her somewhere where she'll not be comfortable.
    I'd challenge this, too. I'd do a bit of research and save it to present as a case to wife that catering to a toddler's 'comfort' deprives her of learning self-soothing as a skill. The more caretakers to which a toddler is exposed, the more open and socially comfortable she is likely to become.

    So that's about your wife's limited vision rather than any actual harm to baby--and that's what's hemming you in. You're quick to target yourself as a villain who defers to wife's expertise, except that her knowledge is selective and caters to her OWN comforts rather than what's actually beneficial to baby--and to you--and ultimately, to herself.

    I'd consider using your company benefits to pursue talk therapy, and even marriage-and-family counseling to support you in encouraging wife to be more flexible with temporary baby care.

    While throwing money at problems isn't always the best solution, throwing some wisely can buy you some inspiring leisure time along with some office visits to one or more professionals who can objectively assess your mental, emotional and physical health, and support your marriage through growth periods where wife needs to expand her scope, and without setting yourself up as the 'bad guy' who delivers unwelcome challenges to wife's overly-protective cocoon.

    People have no trouble hiring experts for plumbing or taxes or other practical matters, but what could be more practical than your quality of life? I'd spring for expert assessments and support in EVERY AREA of your life that you find troublesome. Invest in learning from people who know their stuff and are trained to help you unlock something that moves a brick in your wall.

    Head high.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by BecxyRex
    A couple of years of hard work, but I've heard from everyone that it gets soooo much easier the older the kids get.
    I've heard this too. That's what I'm waiting for. Thanks.

    I know a mom in my friend circle who is from Japan and from what I can tell they practice strong attachment parenting where the child sleeps in the family bed for many years sometimes. Is it possible your wife may fall into that category?
    Yes. Hit the nail on the head there. Our baby has a crib, but usually sleeps between us in bed for at least part of the night. I have to keep my distance from my wife in bed, so that we can have space in between of us for our daughter, if she wakes up and won't sleep in the crib anymore, which adds to the feeling of being distant from my wife.

    We have a baby sitter we rely on for a couple nights and it's great help for date nights.
    Babysitters aren't really a thing here, and nursery schools are so congested that they are super expensive to get in for a day. There are lots of rules too. Even so, as I mentioned, we do have a family friend that would take care of her for a short time, but we did that one time since we had our girl, and my wife spent the whole date worried about her; she couldn't relax.

    I also go out to meet friends at night when my daughter is asleep and my fiance watches her.
    Work culture here is crazy, so no time to go out with friends, though that doesn't really interest me anyway. I don't really get vacation time, and, the days I do get off, are usually spent watching the kid so my wife can get stuff done that she couldn't do because she's watching the kid all day. She's exhausted all the time, so she needs the break.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by Capricorn3
    Not arguing, just want clarification.
    I was diagnosed with MS 12 years ago, after a spinal tap and MRI results, after having optic neuritis. So, yes, I have MS. Also, I have a lot more than one lesion, as you have to have at least like 10 lesions to be diagnosed with MS. I believe I have just over 20, though I haven't had an MRI in many years.

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