Date was going well...then completely messed it up

So got myself a little situation, not the biggest deal in the grand scheme of things admittedly but something that I have lost some sleep over and would appreciate some insight…

So I am recently out of a long relationship and decided to go on Tinder, out of boredom, loneliness, curiosity, maybe a combination. Got chatting to a nice woman, same age as me, lived nearby, texting flowed back and forth etc Didn’t say what I was ‘looking’ for (as I don’t really know myself) but was completely honest about everything. I asked her out for a drink and she said yes.

We met on the evening in question a couple of days ago. We got on well, lots of eye contact, lots in common etc the conversation flowed well, and there was definitely some attraction both ways. After a couple of hours, I asked her what she wanted to do next, she said it was best to get home and say goodnight to her children. I said no problem. She asked me if I was free later in the week to meet up, I said I would check my shifts and we could sort another meet, she seemed happy by this.

She mentioned that ideally she would have liked to have a couple more drinks and leave her car at the pub but couldn’t due to having to get up early the next day. At which point for some reason I mentioned that there was a hotel attached to the pub…and she sort of laughed awkwardly, like she wasn’t sure if I was joking or not. And I’m not sure if I was or not myself at this point. I'd had two drinks but that's it. Wasn't drunk.

We walked outside and I walked her over to her car, we kept chatting and she seemed to pause, not actually getting into her car, just chatting. I went to give her a kiss and she reciprocated, with like a very passionate lingering kiss. She then said she felt a bit exposed on the car park etc with people watching us etc. At which point I again mentioned that the nearby hotel was more private…

She was clearly very uncomfortable at this suggestion…she told me basically ‘no chance’, said to message her, we said our goodbyes and left. I messaged her when I got home to ask if she got home ok and she said she did, and thanked me for the drink. I then apologised for the ‘hotel thing’. She didn’t reply but ‘unmatched’ me a couple of hours later. Which basically means I can't contact her again through Tinder as all our messages get erased and she disappears off my 'matches' list.

This was very out of character for me to be so forward, thinking about the whole thing makes me feel uncomfortable. Didn’t sit well with me at all, that’s not who I am. Looking back I think that it may have been a combination between wanting to deal with the grief of my last relationship ending by running in the arms of another woman and getting caught up in the moment and the whole Tinder ‘thing’.

I found this woman on facebook and was considering sending her a message. I don’t think this situation is salvageable and don’t think I deserve a second chance. My post is not about that. I would just like some advice as to whether I should reach out to her and offer a sincere apology (with no expectation of anything else). For my own peace of mind. And because it just feels like the right thing to do.

It felt like the date went really well for a couple of hours, then I somehow managed to ruin everything in the space of about 60 seconds. Would the ladies on here appreciate a sincere apology…or not? Or should I just chalk it up to experience, learn from it, and let it go?

Thanks for reading.

Yes, you can ruin a nice evening in a short amount of time - it's not the seconds that count it's what is said or done. You mentioned going to a hotel twice. And if you just referenced it as "the hotel thing" that didn't own it, didn't genuinely apologize for suggesting sex on the first meet twice in one evening. I mean "apologize" as in "I am sorry I offended you by suggesting that we go to a hotel. I know I am basically a stranger to you and that was way too forward and I'm sure gave you the impression that my purpose in meeting you was to have sex. I am very sorry about that impression".

But at this point I would not contact her at all -respect her wishes not to be contacted or that would just underscore that you're pushy and don't respect her. If she didn't give you her Facebook do not contact her there -that would start to feel very creepy to her. You had ample time to give a sincere apology before she blocked you. Leave it be. Obviously it's not the worse thing you could ever do -not even close - but lesson learned and move on. I'm sorry this happened (I'd also drink nothing next time so that you don't choose to act on feeling buzzed or tipsy).

Absolutely do NOT contact her. It will add creepiness to the awkwardness of your meet.

You didn’t pick up on her social cues and offended her twice. Then you Facebook stalked her. Not trying to be mean, but you really aren’t ready to date again.

no offense OP but as a woman if a guy suggested that twice I would assume he's only after sex. You made a mistake and unfortunately it's a matter of live and learn. I say take time for yourself before you get out there again. As for Facebook, I suggest not contacting her by that means. It will feel to her an invasion of privacy since she didn't give you her Facebook information.

Unfortunately, the hotel thing didn't go over too well. Don't contact her, she already deleted you....after you apologized. Perhaps it's too soon to date and you figured Tinder = hookups and obviously she (and most women) would be offended by this. Let it go. Next time don't suggest sex on the first meet. Tinder is a dating app not an escort service.

I am recently out of a long relationship.

 

I again mentioned that the nearby hotel was more private…She was clearly very uncomfortable at this suggestion…she told me basically ‘no chance’, I can't contact her again through Tinder as all our messages get erased and she disappears off my 'matches' list. I found this woman on facebook and was considering sending her a message.

Don't contact her. Take this as a lesson. We live and learn.

I would just like some advice as to whether I should reach out to her and offer a sincere apology

No. You already apologized, and she'd likely find contacting her FB page to be creepy. There's no payoff and zero to be gained by doing that.

Dating fresh out of a relationship alters your judgment. You're still in 'relationship mode' where making such intimate jokes wouldn't be off limits with a familiar lover. Take some time to adjust to solo living and learning how to respect social limits before dating again.

Head high, we all live and learn.

That did make me chuckle though , not once did you mention it but twice

I messaged her when I got home to ask if she got home ok and she said she did, and thanked me for the drink. I then apologised for the ‘hotel thing’. She didn’t reply but ‘unmatched’ me a couple of hours later.

You already said sorry , you will become hotel man and stalker man if you message her on facebook , so just be content with hotel man and leave well alone .

Put yourself in her shoes for a moment...

To draw an even parallel, men are often worried about being taken advantage of for money while women are often worried about being taken advantage of for sex.

So - you go for dinner with a nice lady. You are having a good time. At some point she makes an off-colored joke about how you should buy her some expensive jewelry. Was she serious? Anyways, you like her enough to let it slide. You just tell her you’re on a budget or something. Then, while walking to her car and after kissing, she starts talking about the jewelry again and says “the store is right there!!” Even though you said you were on a budget. So you make it really clear that it’s just not gonna happen. Maybe it was just a socially awkward moment? Nerves? Then you get home and she messages you (which is nice) and then she starts talking about the jewelry again (even in the context of an apology). I mean... really? Why are we still talking about the jewelry?! At this point, despite her protests, I mean... she clearly has jewelry on the mind, yanno? So you unmatch her.

... now imagine if this lady then Facebook-stalked you to send you a message to talk about the jewelry again.

Would that not send off alarm bells? Really big ones?

The more you talk about it, the worse it gets.

Time to just let this one go...

For what it’s worth, I think we’ve all probably had some awkward dates. It doesn’t make you a horrible person. Just learn from it and move on.

I'm not one of the ladies, but here's the advice anyway - no apology is going to be heard, so don't try. Her actions are clear, go away. On that night, you know that you were thinking you were close to having sex, and that is why you suggested the hotel twice. Jokingly or not, humor is often used to attempt to disguise the truth. All of the smooth excuses you write here, and oh-how-I-didn't-mean that just comes off as false because it is.

However, you both may have learned valuable lessons from this. She got the lesson (probably not the first time) that even that "nice" guys or nice dates have ulterior motives so she has to be on guard, and you hopefully have learned not to make dumb suggestions to women you might actually like for more than just one romp.

I'll give you points for imagination. I don't know too many people who would interpret "I need to get home to my kids" as "let's get a hotel room and bang."

As a women who has been on her fair share of online dates.

That whole scenario would make me feel uncomfortable when dating I never ever make sexual references. So if I man was to hint for a hotel I would automatically go off him.

I get tinder had the hook up stigma. It is fine if that was on agreement prior to meeting or had been refernced by her. As it wasn't I can see why she felt uncomfortable to unmatch you.

I once went on a date. Went reasonably well. Towards the end of it he made reference to me being the sort of girl that would "bring an over night bag" on a first date. I was offended as I wasn't sexual or given the green light for that sort of thing what so ever.

We parted ways shortly after. I unmatched him. And explained I was not interested in pursuing things any further as I was offended. I then blocked his number.

I would not appreciate if he found me on Facebook to say "sorry". As he appolgised and we left it as that.

You said sorry and she decided to unmatch you. It's over what ever way and at least she knows you said sorry.

So please don't contact her as she honestly does not want to hear from you. Sorry to b so harsh.

Also I think you know deep down you are not ready for dating. So please keep that in mind when while using tinder.

Finding her on Facebook is downright creepy.

 

...for some reason I mentioned that there was a hotel attached to the pub…and she sort of laughed awkwardly, like she wasn’t sure if I was joking or not. And I’m not sure if I was or not myself at this point. I'd had two drinks but that's it. Wasn't drunk.

 

I went to give her a kiss and she reciprocated, with like a very passionate lingering kiss. She then said she felt a bit exposed on the car park etc with people watching us etc. At which point I again mentioned that the nearby hotel was more private…

 

First off I think it's important that you be emotionally and intellectually honest, with yourself mostly.

You say "for some reason" you mentioned there was a hotel attached, which is bs (sorry) of course you know the reason you mentioned it, you were attracted to her and wanted to have sex!

Best to just own that and not hide behind "gee, for some reason, I don't know what came over me" blah blah. Even just to yourself, but agree with what Batya suggested you say instead of "sorry about the hotel thing."

Anyway, since it was only a first meet, that sent her the wrong message as others have said.

That said, had you respected her boundary and left it alone, you may have saved it, probelm is you mentioned it again! Clearly disrespecting her boundary, and she was done, rightfully so.

I don't think there is anything you can do to save this one, but lesson learned for next time.

When a woman says no, respect the boundary and don't push it.

I've had men suggest sex on first date, I said no and they respected that and did not push it. And I have gone out with them again.

But when a man has continued pushing (mentioned it again), NEXT.

I’m only in the area for a few weeks and this didn’t seem to faze her or put her off when we were messaging and planning the date etc so that may have meant I made the wrong assumption about what she was after. That said, I have to admit I had a serious lack of judgement with her boundaries and if I could take it back I would.

Believe me when I say I am ashamed of myself. I cringe when I read my opening post. I know I was well over the line of what is acceptable. I have been kicking myself ever since. I just don’t feel like myself at the moment. I knew before I went that I am not in the right frame of mind for dating due to being fresh out of a relationship, and knowing that, I know I shouldn’t have even gone on Tinder in the first place. I guess curiosity got the best of me.

Interesting point about me still being in ‘relationship mode’. I hadn’t thought of that but it does resonate with me.

I’m not going to contact her. I messed up big time, I know that and I just wanted to make it right. But I know nothing I do can make it right, anything I do now can only make it worse. Therefore the best course of action is to do nothing. Thanks for everyone’s thoughts. I will try and learn from this disaster.

It's really not as bad as you are making it out to be.... hardly a disaster.

There is nothing at all wrong with wanting sex on the first date if that's what you really want! I mean that's what Tinder is all about after all. I think the problem is that you weren't transparent about it in your conversations with her, or honest with yourself about what you were looking for.

You need to figure out first what you are looking for, so you can own that the next time you go on a date with someone. Be honest with them and with yourself.

yeah you pushed the hotel thing too far and should've LEARNED the first time (with her reaction) to not say it again - that's where you screwed up.

like others said, there may be nothing you can do that she will accept, but your best bet is to apologize, tell her you just got carried away... that you were nervous and thus the first thing came to mind you said when hearing "privacy" and "leave the car here and not drive home".... unfortunately it was the wrong answer to utter.

you probably lost this one but that's your last chance. which you can't COME CLOSE to making that mistake again (with her or anybody else you ever date).

I’m only in the area for a few weeks and this didn’t seem to faze her or put her off when we were messaging and planning the date etc so that may have meant I made the wrong assumption about what she was after. That said, I have to admit I had a serious lack of judgement with her boundaries and if I could take it back I would.

 

Believe me when I say I am ashamed of myself. I cringe when I read my opening post. I know I was well over the line of what is acceptable. I have been kicking myself ever since. I just don’t feel like myself at the moment. I knew before I went that I am not in the right frame of mind for dating due to being fresh out of a relationship, and knowing that, I know I shouldn’t have even gone on Tinder in the first place. I guess curiosity got the best of me.

 

Interesting point about me still being in ‘relationship mode’. I hadn’t thought of that but it does resonate with me.

 

I’m not going to contact her. I messed up big time, I know that and I just wanted to make it right. But I know nothing I do can make it right, anything I do now can only make it worse. Therefore the best course of action is to do nothing. Thanks for everyone’s thoughts. I will try and learn from this disaster.

Well just because you were in the area for a brief period of time and she knew this does not mean she was only looking for sex. She might be open to the idea of a long distance relationship, with the right man of course.

Yeah, if I were in her shoes (and I have been before), it would have been very clear to me that you were only looking for sex. Can’t blame her for deleting you.

Your actions may have been out of character to you, but keep in mind that this person doesn't know you, and once you open your mouth and say something, you can't take it back. She had formed an impression of you based on what you said - that you were only looking for sex. Heck, you referred to the hotel twice. What else was she supposed to think?

I agree with the others. Don’t contact her. You’ve already apologized.

Reaching out via FB would make you seem super creepy. She would be so creeped out if you tried to reach out to her on social media that she won’t even hear the apology.

Leave her be.

It's really not as bad as you are making it out to be.... hardly a disaster.

 

There is nothing at all wrong with wanting sex on the first date if that's what you really want! I mean that's what Tinder is all about after all. I think the problem is that you weren't transparent about it in your conversations with her, or honest with yourself about what you were looking for.

 

You need to figure out first what you are looking for, so you can own that the next time you go on a date with someone. Be honest with them and with yourself.

I agree with this, especially when paired with this:

I’m only in the area for a few weeks and this didn’t seem to faze her or put her off when we were messaging and planning the date etc so that may have meant I made the wrong assumption about what she was after.

With the above, it makes me think there was some hinting and sex talk, and she gave you the impression that she was up for a little mattress dancing? Tinder has its reputation for a reason. I can't fault you putting a little push in the whole scenario to see if she bites, as you did capture this impression that she was possibly interested.

I wouldn't call it a disaster but a learning experience. Maybe if you didn't push the hotel situation twice in the matter of a few hours, you might have found yourself getting it on after date number two or three.

I think you need to decide what you want and then be transparent with your plan and "own it." If you're clear with what you are seeking, if a woman gets offended by such suggestions, at least you know you weren't misrepresenting yourself and being a liar and a jerk.

I also agree it's probably a bit too soon to date, even casually. If you're still in "relationship mode," this could land you some heartache when you attach yourself to a woman who was seeking casual when she agreed to meet you, and you could likewise find yourself dealing with women seeking long-term and attaching to you despite you being clear you were seeking casual only. These are risks, and I think a better sense of boundaries and grounding are what you need before dipping your toes back into the pool.

I probably wouldn't freak out if you FB'd me, but it's probably best to let this one go. It can come across as overkill on the creepy side.

Tinder doesn't have exactly to be for hook ups but many people use it for that. I know people who met on tinder and married but yes, it's full of people who only want casual sex, talk out of boredom or forget exes.

This reminds me a situation I once had years ago with a guy I met on a similar app. It was our first meet and we were drinking a beer at a bar. It was going fine and he seemed nice. At some point I excuses myself to go to the restroom and he asked if he could come with me (?). Then after I was in the restroom (alone of course), he sends me texts saying that he wishes he could join me (??). When I returned I was feeling creeped out and said it was late and we should go. He then mentioned living near and if I wanted to go to his place. I said no and when we said goodbye he was very creepy too.

I also had a guy suggesting going to his place on our first meet, me refusing politely and him bursting in almost rage, getting up and wanting to leave. He paid for his part and I sat there looking as he was out of the door. So I paid my part, went out and asked him what the hell was going on. And he said angrily "nothing!". Of course I didn't contact him anymore.

I can't make this stuff up lol

Despite the intention being casual sex or not, you always have to gauge it your date is on the same page or not.

No, absolutely do not message her on FB. I would find that so invasive if I'd deleted you from a dating app and you tracked me down on social media.

Let it go. Don't push for hotel-action when the woman in question has already told you she is going home. That was your signal that she didn't want to stay and have sex with you.

If you ever go back on Tinder, be very specific on your profile that you want casual sex. That way there is no mis-interpretations.

I'm not one to advocate casual sex, and I don't see what you'll get out of banging a stranger if you're missing your ex or the relationship. To me, it seems like a good recipe for messing up your head even more.

Either way, this woman is long gone and you did apologize. Let it be now.

Nope, you blew it. Leave it alone. Now you know. Don't insist on a hotel on the first date. Lesson learned, move on.

I don't think you made a horrible mistake. At worst, you were forward. Big deal.

But I do think contacting her on facebook would be a big mistake. It would come off as creepy, despite your best intentions. I really like Red Dress's analogy for that.

Bottom line is, the ball is in her court now. Best to leave it be, lest you become Hotel-Man or Stalker-Man!