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Thread: What to do with my ex who was my best friend that wants to hang out....

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Nov 2017

    What to do with my ex who was my best friend that wants to hang out....

    Recently I felt bad about how my ex couldn't hang out with my sister because she thinks I'm angry at her. Someone told me that my best bet was just to talk to her, so I thought about it for a while

    Not too long ago I figured that I just genuinely missed her as a friend as we hung out nearly every day and had the best of fun. I decided to just tell my sister about it because we often confide in each other. I told her that I kind of felt like I just wanted to hang out with her again as it had been 8 months since we last saw each other/talked. My sister said that she would tell her if I really wanted and because I didn't really have anything to lose, I agreed.

    Now some background. Me and my ex go back over a year, she was a classmate of my sister and good friends with her so I met her through her. Back then I didn't care about my appearance at all and didn't even conceive of the notion of getting a girlfriend. We kinda started hanging out as just friends but I quickly realized that I genuinely started to develop feeling for her.

    Me and her both have autism and she was abused as a kid. I genuinely felt bad for her so I talked to her about personal stuff a lot. She told me that I was one of the only people who she actually opened up to so I felt quite flattered.

    At this point this whole thinking process got shattered when I realized she already had someone she liked at the time. This guy ended up being the largest thorn in my eye I've ever experienced. He would boast about them having sex, have loud sex when I was there, punch me for just jokingly irritating him, the list goes on. She and him also fought a lot but it was also kind of one of her kinks as far as I know.

    Now most of you probably find it shocking that I stayed in that position for such a long time like some kind of ultra beta male but please keep in mind that it's pretty rare to have such a strong emotional connection to someone when you suffer from autism. High functioning autism brings about a myriad of weird and unavoidable situations and most people who suffer from it become depressed before the age of 20. Imagine people interacting with you like you're a child, just because they feel your social skills are awkward, welp, that's my every day life to be honest.

    But yea, she ended up braking up with this guy and I wasn't really at a good place back then. I used drugs, I drank my sorrows away, it wasn't good. But when she left this guy, I genuinely thought I could just step in and get her to accept me as her boyfriend.

    One day after we had been kind of flirty and drank a little I just went to sleep next to her, we didn't have sex or anything but I just wanted to be with her that night. After that our relationship progressed pretty quickly yet in an awkward autistic fashion.

    For example, I never even asked her if she wanted to be my GF because if was just too awkward to do after we had been "dating" for a week or 2. Also, the first time I kissed her was also the first time we had sex, fun fact. but yea, this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship in any way, shape or form.

    Well, it ended up just being a rebound relationship and within less then 2 month she told me we should break up and the next day she was back with her ex again. I felt really bad about it and I couldn't even imagine how she could do something like that to me. I was just angry at this point so I send her one more angry message expressing how I felt about it and just straight up pushed her out of my mind.

    I spend the next 8 months working diligently. I helped others who felt bad about themselves, kicked my bad habits, became more socially active. I was almost unrecognizable, mentally and physically. I went from a lazy junkie bum with autism and a drinking problem to someone who want's to go into biomedical engineering, go to uni and spend my life helping others (I have a really good visual memory and because of my autism so something like this would be an amazing job for me). I worked on a lot of passion projects and hobbies too, I got into flying drones and 3D scanning stuff with them and I started working on my own game.

    That's where we are now. I've spend the last 8 months working out my own stuff. My depression wasn't something related to my ex at all, it was something I've always suffered from but now, slowly but surely, it's dissolving away.

    My Ex had a relationship with that guy all this time, at one point he broke up with her for a while and got back to her after 2 weeks. Now, quite recently, he broke up with her over the phone and I believe she really learned her lesson in a way. Now don't get me wrong, if I ever wanted a relationship with this girl again it's not something I would rush in to. I have my education to finish and I need to have a stable mental state so I can actually pass my exams.

    All I want to know from you people is if you think I'm making a mistake by allowing her back into my life. We shared so much but she cheated on me and we didn't even speak for such a long time. When my sister told her about the way I felt (that I wanted to hang out again) she told her that she felt the same way. From day one she regretted to lose me as a friend but is that all I was? just a friend.

    Well, sorry for the overly long post but I felt like it would be needed to get an idea of the situation. The fact me and her have so much in common is just something I can't get over that easily, I guess I just still love her but it sucks to admit that...

  2. #2
    Silver Member dundermiflin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Hi, Well I think I understand the feeling of missing a friend that you also have feelings for. Sounds like a nice connection you had too. You're doing a fantastic job of getting your life together and you should be proud. I think you could see her if you want, but if you can, try to keep it at just friends, in light of how she is with relationships. I feel like you will start to look attractive to her now that you're doing well and she's single, so at some point she may try to get that kind of affection from you. You'd have to go against your feelings and tell her no, you just want to be friends. Otherwise I think she'll use you and make you feel like crap, and you deserve better. Just my guess of how this friendship will go. Don't give her control, is the bottom line, and see if you can enjoy your time together. If she does hit on you and you want that, wait for her to genuinely beyond all doubts say that she wants only you and she'll treat you right. Then maybe, but also make her prove it before you give her your heart again.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2017
    Boston, MA
    Well, you had a connection with her, but did she have a connection with you? Apparently not because she broke up with you after only 2 months and went back to her abusive boyfriend. I don't know if you can trust her. I would be afraid to let her back into your life.

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