Jump to content

How do I convince myself that I deserve better?


SleepyOwl1969

Recommended Posts

I have had an on and off long distance relationship with a man.

On and off because he will ghost me from time to time.

I have not seen him in 7 months ; he lives 6 hours away...by car!

So, as usual, he says he promises he will see me in November, however when I ask him of his plans there is no mention of me.

 

I am typically a pushover which is why I keep getting back with him. But this time I told him that we needed to talk. He assumed that I was going to break up with him ( and I didn't confirm nor deny this). He barely let me talk for 5 minutes when he said he had to go.

He promised me (there's that word again) that we would talk things out later that night. Well,this was 3 nights ago. Again he is ignoring me.

 

I have no clue what I could have said to upset him that much. I mean we barely had a conversation!

 

After far too many texts he reached out to me to say he wasn't in the mood to talk. Just a side note : he's one of those individuals who need to take a break when things are overwhelming etc. That's how he copes. I cope by talking and so it makes things a bit difficult for me.

 

Today I found out that my aunt is ailing and so I reached out to him for support, and he never responded. This upsets me because I have done so much for him and he couldn't even talk to me for a minute to support me.

 

My question is; how do I convince myself that I'm worth more than this behaviour he's showing me?? ( and has for the past 2 years).

How do I get up the nerve to put him behind me and not let this get to me as much as it always does?

 

I don't know why I have such an incredibly difficult time with the idea of not being with him.

 

We are both almost 50 . For him, I feel as though he is acting childish and for me I feel that I should be able to stand my ground and know my self worth.

 

Thanks in advance

Link to comment

I would read books on how to improve your self esteem, and if that isn't enough, seek some psychological counseling. Until you feel self worth, you will keep choosing men who aren't worthy of you. It's probably why you chose the most difficult types of relationships, LDR.

 

When you are ready, date locally. There's a far better success rate with local dating, and make a must-have and dealbreaker list, and stick to it. No matter how cute and fun the guy is, if he has a dealbreaker, cut him off.

Link to comment

It doesn't really sound like you're with him, if he's far away, won't let you talk, or support you with a piddly text when your relative is sick. If you can't cut him out completely, can you at least try to get out and date and see if you can find someone who treats you better? I wouldn't even tell him you're dating, he's not acting like a boyfriend. Try to think about it as if he was your daughter or your best friend's boyfriend; what would you say to them if they accepted that treatment?

Link to comment

Hah, that would be awesome begin dating, because he would notice, let’s be honest, then when he reaches out say sorry I’m out with my boyfriend.

 

 

No don’t do that... funny but would be the opposite of healthy.

 

You can’t just ‘convince’ yourself you’re worth it, it’s going to take some work because right now you probably don’t really believe it.

 

This has been going on for years, so clearly you’re getting something out of this, I assume the high you get when he finally responds. It’s going to be tough to break away from this addiction, but you can do it, you deserve so much better, like others have said, this isn’t even a relationship, in what world is it acceptable to just ignore someone you’re with. It’s cruel.

Link to comment

Well, I guess you feel a long distance ghost of a boyfriend is better than nothing, but it sounds like anything would be better than this joker. You probably don't have another guy in your life and so you're willing to put up with him to get a little nookie once or twice a year.

 

You already know this guy isn't worth your time, but you really need to find someone else before you can really dump him in your mind. I went through a similar 10-year period in my life, so I've been there. Of course, that was when I was in my late 20s and early 30s. I will say guys get a little weird if they get to 50 without being in a permanent relationship. So you have that to contend with too.

 

While you're waiting for Mr. Right to show up, I would say just to treat this guy as a Friend With Benefit relationship and don't look towards him for any emotional support. He might actually ghost you less if you don't burden him with any problems. And keep looking for a nice guy that you can have a real relationship with.

Link to comment

How do you convince yourself you deserve better?

 

Just do it, sweetie.

 

I know how hard this is because you're thinking, he's finally available, and I'm available or I can move things around...the thing is, you do all the moving...he breezes into town once in awhile and grabs some puder and affection...it's been seven months...you barely get a conversation out of him unless you are appeasing him...what are you getting out of this relationship?

 

I don't care if your goal for the night is getting a couple dishes in the dishwasher when you get home and watching "Grey's Anatomy;" this is your goal, and this is what you want and you enjoy and no one is going to disrupt you from it. This guy does not disrupt his life to accommodate you, and you will do the same and stick to your "one thing" when he gets a hard-on and comes sniffing after you. End of story.

 

Here's the sad reality...you won't convince him of anything. Sure, he may ramp up the attention when he feels you slipping away, but he can't and won't maintain that, and he'll move on to some other woman who is eager and waiting on pins and needles to talk with him the second he's available, but when she starts pressuring him on relationships and seriousness and where is this going, he'll quickly move on to the next easy lay or the next woman who lives 6 hours away and can listen to him whine.

 

There is a REASON he is pursuing unattainable women who live outside of his geographic region...distance and jobs preclude actual interaction.

 

Understand that YOU are the only one emotionally invested in this relationship. HE is NOT. He's just happy for a buddy...maybe a sex buddy if he has the time and he's in the mood when he breezes into town.

 

Trust me, he'll go after easy sex before someone he has to entertain and give attention to and extend any level of work, unless he's in the mood to do so. The more work he has to do, the less inclined he will be to do it...this can fluctuate up and down.

 

No one can give you an easy way to convince yourself you can do better.

 

What you have to do is focus on yourself and the things you enjoy in his absence and then not drop everything when he decides he's interested...and I am not kidding you that when I say your only goal for the night is to clean the cat box and hang up your laundry, that is what you do, not that you tell him that specifically (you tell him you have other plans with friends), you simply do what makes your life happy and easy and functional, and if he finds himself available tomorrow or on the weekend, after you have caught up on NCIS and laundry and the fish tank is cleaned and you got the oil changed, Yay!

 

He is not your priority.

 

He has never made you his priority.

 

Follow his lead.

Link to comment

He doesnt appear to give a rat's butt about you. No time for you, doesnt want to see or talk to you. He's not into you in a way that you'd like him to be. You really need to forget about this guy, you dont get what you want or need from him so why do this to yourself? If you cant convince yourself you are better off without him and that you dont need him, then get some therapy and learn how to make that break that you need. You could just stop talking to him completely and he probably wouldn't even notice. I know that's harsh but really, he doesnt care.

Link to comment

He does not care about or respect you. Don't really understand what you get from all of this.

 

Have you addressed your emotional unavailability? If you were available you would not be with someone like this: treats you like crap, offers no future and simply does not care.

 

Check out baggagereclaim.com You need to deal with your issues and choosing crap men!

Link to comment

Not only is he emotionally unavailable...he's physically unavailable...and he likes it that way. I dealt with that for 5 years. Well...the first year he was pursuing, so that was good. But once he got me....wham! Out the door. One time, early in the relationship (if you could call it that) I walked into his house and he said, 'If you're gonna talk relationship, you can walk right back out that door'. I shut my mouth. Haven't had a relationship talk for almost 2 years!

 

If we can just talk about hiking, or kayaking, or the weather...we're fine. Have sex....he's GONE!

 

So, read the Unavailable man. or the emotionally unavailable man. Gives you LOTS of insight.

Link to comment

It sounds like there is someone else and you are just an afterthought. Why chase this guy? It would be best to end it, block and delete him and attend to your own life including dating local men who are interested in you.

I have had an on and off long distance relationship with a man. I have not seen him in 7 months. We are both almost 50
Link to comment
I don't know why I have such an incredibly difficult time with the idea of not being with him.

 

You're already not with him, so there are no gymnastics necessary. I'd make it a private goal to adopt self respect and resilience as new life skills, and I'd move my focus onto learning ways to build these. I'd invest in exploring interests and classes and bonds with family and friends.

 

If Mr. Charming ever wants to turn his ship around, he'll have no problem letting you know this. But keeping yourself on his back burner while putting your own life on hold makes no sense--and certainly won't make expanding your own life skills any easier.

 

Head high, and read my sig.

Link to comment

You can't seek self worth from someone else.

 

Starts with you!

 

He does not sound like a nice man what so ever!

 

The best way to achieve this is to be single. Work on yourself. As no man will ever make you realise how special you really are!

 

There are some amazing self help books out there.

 

One of my friends swears by mediation.

 

Giving yourself you time will help you appreciate yourself.

 

It goes back to that age old saying. You have to love yourself before anyone can love you!

 

Best of luck. The first step in your journey is to walk away from this man. Then you'll start to feel better and realize your worth!

Link to comment

Thanks again everyone.

 

Yes, my self-esteem is fairly low, has been most of my life.

I've been to councelling and recently through Cognitive Behavioural Therapy . I find CBT to be helpful on some level but I suppose I have to be more diligent with it , in order to see results.

I have other 'issues' as told to me by my CBT therapist. I have pretty bad abandonment issues from when I was about 7-20 years of age. And my therapist said that my addiction is to pain, suffering and drama. (HollyJ, I think this might answer questions as to what I get out of this :( ) I thought he was off his rocker when he told me about that, but I have done some research and all of the big arrows point to me. So, I guess I have a lot more going on than just low self-esteem, but whatever it is that is hindering me from moving on, has been with me for a very very very long time ; you're right "Figureitout23", you hit the nail on the head.

 

DanZee, I think you have a point; not to look to him for any support, and to change my mindset of the role that he plays in my life.

 

Purplepaisley, you are right, he certainly does not disrupt his life for me, not one bit. And I need to try not to jump if and when he texts (for fear of not knowing when we will talk again).

 

Realitynut and HollyJ, thank you for the recommendations, I'll check into them for sure.

 

As for those thinking/wondering if he has someone else....I'd love to say no. I feel as though he doesn't, but who am I kidding, there is no way to know for sure, unfortunately.

 

Catfeeder, I agree . I've just been doing this for so long , not just with him but men in general (going out of my way for them, putting my life on the backburner) that it seems like an unreachable goal. But, I know it isn't .

 

Jellybean9, I know you are right. It's just tough for me.

 

My mind is in a state of confusion at the moment. I know what decision is best for me and my mental health, it's just SO difficult when your heart and emotions are all entangled up in a mess.

Link to comment

The best thing you can do is go to a physician for a complete physical to rule out or determine if there are physical issues going on including untreated metabolic, hormonal and mood disorders that could be treated medically in addition to regular consistent talk therapy support. This isn't about a crappy bf, it's about under treated physical and psychological issues.

I find CBT to be helpful on some level but I suppose I have to be more diligent with it , in order to see results. My mind is in a state of confusion at the moment.
Link to comment
  • 1 month later...

It would be best to delete and block him from all messaging apps and social media. So many red flags. On/off. LDR, etc. He wanted nothing to do with you after you argued and screamed at him 2 weeks after his heart surgery. He can not fulfill your needs on so many levels. Do him and yourself a favor and let go.

 

Admit it's just not working and never has. This has nothing to do with "what you deserve" or your "self worth". It has to do with pursuing a completely impossible/improbable situation. Get on quality dating apps and start meeting LOCAL available men.

I have had an on and off long distance relationship with a man.

On and off because he will ghost me from time to time.

I have not seen him in 7 months

We are both almost 50

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...