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Thread: It is so easy for him to hit me, but leaving him isn't so simple.

  1. #1

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    It is so easy for him to hit me, but leaving him isn't so simple.

    I apologize for the lengthy post, but I figured the near-whole story is better than just the highlights.

    Some details:
    -I am a 24 year old graduate student working on my PhD in chemistry.
    -He is a 31 year old that has a couple of rotating jobs.
    -We have been together for over a year.
    -We live in a house we rent together. (lease ends in 6 months)
    -We have a dog together. (I have recently --secretly-- registered our dog on "American Kennel Club", and only listed myself as the owner)

    The first time he physically hurt me was about 2-3 months into the relationship. He slapped me across the face. After that, he has intermittently been abusing me until now. When he does, it consists of strangling, slapping, punching, kicking, or just the general pushing to the ground, etc. Although I don't think anything warrants physical abuse from a partner, in the beginning, I was definitely a little immature in the relationship. Even though that was over a year ago, I think I have matured a lot since then, and in general gotten used to our relationship and how he is as a person. I was definitely spiteful and immature in the beginning, which I think definitely sparked his abusive behaviors.

    In the beginning, each time it happened I would say I am done, the relationship was over. This would always result in more anger and fighting from him. Eventually it got so bad about 7-8 months in that we did end it. By that point we were living together, so I kicked him out (police were involved) and he was living in hotel rooms for a week, and then I caved and let him back in. He offered to buy me a puppy as a gift (dogs are my weak point), and I said yes. He gave me $2,500 to buy a golden retriever puppy from a breeder, and that is how we got Cooper. Cooper is 6 months old now. A little after we got Cooper, I honestly thought things were getting better. We still fought, but it was much more infrequent, and physically, I was starting to fight back. From month 10 in our relationship to month 13, things generally seemed pretty good. Like I said we still had intense fights a handful of times, but is was do-able. I think I learned that it is impossible to get angry at him. Which sucks. Even when he is annoying me, or has actually done something to piss me off, I can't make a fuss out of it, because if I do I know that I will be the one who will get physically hurt. So I have learned to not get mad or annoyed with him.

    I am now in month 14 of the relationship, and things are getting bad, possibly the worst it has been. We have already had 3 really bad fights and just in general had many nights that weren't necessarily fighting, but we did not go to bed on good terms. The most recent fight was yesterday: my boyfriend got mad at our dog (he barked once), and my boyfriend hates barking. --Side-note-- my boyfriend is not a dog person, but agreed to get a dog because he knew how much I love dogs. Anyways, my boyfriend got mad at the dog, and screamed, quite literally, at the top of his lungs to "Shut the up". He does this all of the time. He will get extremely mad at our dog for the most trivial of things. Now as I said before I have been in the relationship long enough to know that I cannot get mad at my boyfriend. However, when he treats my dog poorly, I cannot control my anger. My dog is defenseless, and if I don't stick up for him against my boyfriend, who will? Anyways, I got angry with my boyfriend for yelling at the dog and started yelling at him to "Leave him alone". This didn't bode well with my boyfriend. He grabbed my neck and punched me right in the nose. At first I thought I was crying because my face felt wet, and usually when he punches me or slaps me my eyes start to water. However, I started to taste blood and knew my nose was bleeding. He saw my face and instantly felt bad and started freaking out that he really did some damage. He immediately dropped all of his anger and was trying to wipe the blood away. I ran to the bathroom and I was covered in blood, and it was dripping everywhere. This is definitely the first time he has hit me hard enough where there is a large amount of blood.

    Anyways, he calmed down, got mad again, destroyed the WiFi router box, the Roomba, a potted plant, and a set of wine glasses. And then he calmed down for the night. That is typically how his outbursts go: he hurts me, calms down, destroys some things in the house, calms down.

    I think the blood is what really scared me. My relationship with him has been a ride of abusive firsts. The first time he slapped me, the first time he strangled me, the first time he spit in my face, the first time he kicked the dog... etc. And I notice a trend with this, if once it has happened once, he will 100% do it again. So now that he has punched me that hard so blood poured out and I can barely touch my nose today, I know he will know it is okay to do it again. I keep thinking about all of the other firsts that haven't happened but could happen: break a bone, send me to the ER, use a knife on me, possibly kill me. He is not mentally stable. If you are rolling your eyes at me scared he will kill me... he would if he was pushed to. When he gets angry, there is nothing stopping him. He will purposefully ruin his life if that's his train of thought when he is mad.

    Also, I have noticed either I am getting worse at fighting him back, or he is getting better. Just this month, every time I have gone to defend myself, it is a miserable fail.

    Now you are thinking: just leave him and be done. And I am going to give the cliché answer that I love him. But there are many other logistical reasons as to why I cannot leave him. And I will get to those. But I do love him. When things are good, we get along very well. But then I think to myself, I can get along with many guys, that aren't mentally unstable and abusive. I was thinking about it today, and I realized the only core things my boyfriend gives me that your average boyfriend wouldn't already give you is absolute commitment and can fix my jeep for free. When I say absolute commitment, I mean it. I have never had a boyfriend so committed to me before. He moved from Ohio to Virginia just to live with me. I am thinking of moving to Portland Oregon for law school sometime in the near future, and he said he was fine with that, and he will come too. He is completely committed to me. And honestly, that is something I haven't found in previous relationships. And the whole fixing my jeep for free is great too, because it seems to always have an issue.

    But logistically, it is also hard to break-up for several reasons.
    One: he is crazy and might try to kill me, the one time I broke up the relationship for a week, I had to call the police, and they were there to escort him away. Back then he moved into my apartment, and only I was on the lease, so I had a legal right to have him escorted away. We have since moved in together in a house.
    Two: We are currently both in a lease together on this house that doesn't end for another 6 months. We are both on the lease and therefore legally bound to pay the rent. And unfortunately I cannot afford two rents, so I will be staying in the house. And there is no way to kick him out. He has a legal right to stay in that house, and I can guarantee you, he will not leave.
    Three: Everything in the house is mostly owned between us. Pretty much all of the furniture we bought half/half... so I'm not sure how that would work logistically.
    Four: Our dog. Now: I have tried to make some precautionary measures with Cooper and had him registered only under my name. When dealing with the breeder, I bought him. My name is on all of the papers, all email correspondence was through me. The only thing is, the money came from my boyfriend. I really don't think my boyfriend would try and put up a fight and try and take Cooper if we were to break-up, because he really isn't a dog person. But I will never let him take Cooper. I'd rather spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend if that's what it means to get Cooper.
    Five: This is probably the worst excuse, but my pride would be shot to hell. I unfortunately have been one of those people on Facebook that has shared a decent amount of pictures of my boyfriend and I. I can just picture it... the horrible reactions of eye-rolls and "I told you so" from people on Facebook when they realize that I have removed the "In a relationship with..." Again, I know that is a horrible excuse to not break up... I shouldn't have even of typed it.

    Well obviously I can't paint the entire picture of our relationship, but I figure that's enough to get a general image. I can of course answer any questions or clear any confusions up.

    Any and all advice is accepted, I would even like hearing past similar experiences and how you dealt with them.

    Thank you. ❤️

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Is there a woman shelter around? Do you have family or friends around or has he isolated you from everybody like most abusers do?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Not if you got a restraining order, which of course you should. He can get a police escort to get his stuff.
    Originally Posted by Rosex25
    Two: We are currently both in a lease together on this house that doesn't end for another 6 months. And there is no way to kick him out. He has a legal right to stay in that house

  4. #4

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    Surprisingly he is not like that. When he is not angry, he is not manipulative or controlling. He is just a pretty chill guy. Unfortunately all of my family is several hundreds of miles away, however I do have a great friend group I have made since starting grad school. My boyfriend is friends with them too. It isn't that I'm scared day to day when I wake-up or come home from school. It is just when he is angry that he is mentally unstable. Which... is typically predictable. He will only get angry if I get mad or annoyed at him ofr something. But I can't not get mad when it involves my dog.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Not if you got a restraining order, which of course you should. He can get a police escort to get his stuff.
    Exactly. And it's important to get everything documented. I'd also avoid breaking up with him home alone and when you do already have an action plan and like Wiseman said restraining order and police. The logistic reasons you gave are easily solved.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Being beat up to put on a show and post on social media makes sense to you?

  8. #7
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    I got out of an abusive marriage with pets.

    He bought you a dog and therefore "anchored" you and insured that you will not leave. Make sure vet records are in your name only and go to a new vet if you have to.
    Yes, you can leave. do you have a relative or friend you can stay with for a few days or weeks to get safe?
    I would make sure you have copies of important papers in your purse or a bag. your birth certificate, ssn, copies of bank info, etc, and bring it with you every day to work or class. make it look normal to carry that bag, and also when he is not home, take a larger bag out with you to the car every day so that neighbors are used to seeing you come and go with it so that they don't mention anything odd to him.

    Then one day, don't come back. take cooper with you -- a couple days of food and his main items -- you can always buy more food, and you will have another sofa someday, too.
    When you are out, you can ask the landlord to release you from the lease and explain the circumstances and they may release you and its up to your boyfriend to find a roommate or you pay a pentalty to end the lease.

    I got out with my pets, a few family heirlooms and photos and some pet supplies - and basic clothing.
    I had previously taken a few small things here and there to a friends -- he hated a particular painting so i "gifted" it to the friend but the fried was "in on it" and knew that they were just holding on to it for me. (a relative painted it so i wanted to keep it)

    Identify a few irreplacable items (great grandmas wedding photo, etc) and get them to a safe deposit or a friend or family member and then remember the rest -- the spaghetti strainer, the wastebasket are all just stuff.

    you may end up with the rest of your stuff in the end - who knows - but you need to get out. And also call the police...get a papertrail - get a restraining order.

    Honestly, who cares about facebook. hide your relationship status or keep it the same. It doesn't matter what facebook says.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rosex25
    Surprisingly he is not like that. When he is not angry, he is not manipulative or controlling. He is just a pretty chill guy. Unfortunately all of my family is several hundreds of miles away, however I do have a great friend group I have made since starting grad school. My boyfriend is friends with them too. It isn't that I'm scared day to day when I wake-up or come home from school. It is just when he is angry that he is mentally unstable. Which... is typically predictable. He will only get angry if I get mad or annoyed at him ofr something. But I can't not get mad when it involves my dog.
    Almost every abuser is "amazing" when they're not being abusive... the problem is that they're... abusive and the abuse tends to get worse and worse and the "non abusive" moments less and less as he realises gradually what he can get away with. Abuse almost always escalate. Don't expect him to change and stop abusing you... he won't.

    Your life is more important than social media.

  10. #9
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    I recieved great help from the abuse hotline. They set me up with counseling. it will help you. they asked if i had a place to stay. Find out if you can move back to your family, also.

  11. #10

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    I really appreciate the advice from everyone. It warms me up so much that complete strangers are willing to put in the time to write a reply to me.

    Unfortunately, I cannot move back home with family. I am determined to at least get my Masters of Science before ending school here in Virginia. After that I would like to go to a law school out in Oregon, which I envision my new life starting. Until then, I would have to stay here in Virginia and finish my degree. I know when comparing education and abuse, education seems trivial. But it means everything to me. If I move back home now, (Massachusetts) I will forfeit all of the work I have done on my thesis, and would have to start over again.

    However, reading all of your comments really just makes me want to move out of the house. I have a really nice landlord, this lovely old man. I'm sure if he knew my situation he would release me from the lease, or at least let me pay a penalty, instead of footing half of the rent until August. I think my next move is finding a new place to live on my own with Cooper. While I have many friends who would have open door policies with me, I don't want to burden them too much, seeing as we are all full-time students. But I will start to look for new rents that I can afford on my own.

    And to all of the social media comments, I know 1000% you are all right. I just have this annoying pride about me and I like everyone to think that everything in my life is perfect. I know this is stupid, but I honestly think it is a self-confidence issue or something. But you guys are all right... screw social media. I might raise a few eyebrows, but there will be a drama the next day people can focus on.

    Again, thank you all so much for the advice. You have no idea how much it means to me.

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