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Thread: No spoken words of me ever moving to his city? Is it just a matter of time?

  1. #1
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    No spoken words of me ever moving to his city? Is it just a matter of time?

    My boyfriend moved almost 3 weeks ago to another state 3 hours away from my hometown, where he used to live too. It requires a plane ride to get to his city.

    However I have been over since he moved, now it will be two weeks apart which is the longest we have been apart before.. but he travels a lot for work so this will become a regular thing, I can only get there on weekends because of work.

    He hasn't asked me to move over there but he's really busy at the moment training in his new job. The other thing is I have a son who lives with his dad, I have him most weekends.. so that could be another factor why he doesn't want me to relocate, but I could come back in the weekends easily (costs of flight tickets not an issue), if I were to move out of state.

    In the past a couple of months ago when I brought up moving there with him, he said it's too soon.. and mentioned my son.

    At the moment I will see him almost every weekend, or second weekend..

    ** We have both very committed to each other and we both trust each other a lot and love each other **


    There's been no talk recently about what will happen in the future...

    I also have a very good job here in my state that I recently got promoted at so I should stay here for a bit to at least get the experience.

    Does that all sound ok? Or should he be talking to me about future plans already.

    Even if it's not to move soon but just to know the future plans..
    Last edited by OceanMoon18; 11-20-2018 at 08:22 PM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    How long have you been dating? That answer could affect the responses you get here.

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    Been together for 16 months, and we've lived together for a few months before he moved too.. and have traveled a lot together in that time too.

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    Please see my answer, what are your thoughts on this?

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    3 hours by car is not really bad -- its too far to catch dinner but close enough to go spend a 4 day weekend or maybe in the good weather meet halfway. Do you really need a plane ride for that, or do you mean 3 hours via plane?

    I think you need to relax. This guy just moved and is trying to get settled and trying to figure out if this is a permanent move. Give him a break. If he doesn't stay and transfers back, its a moot point. Don't get clingy -- just give him the head space to get settled and concentrate on his training. Let him miss you - he hasn't had the chance yet. Focus on planning a time to see eachother, whether you have already planned dates or find some time over the holidays.


    you have a son --- i would focus on keeping stability for him. And moving him would possibly taking him away from his dad who i assume has visitation.

    If you were to move in with him that is a HUUUGE commitment being that you have a kid. I think that if you DID move to his town, it should be because you get a job there, too and also are moving because its best for your son. Lots of couples live apart until a child is easier to transition grade-wise, etc and commute until they actually get engaged and its too soon for that.

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    You clearly didn't read the post clear enough.

    My son lives with his dad and I only see him weekends.. sometimes not every weekend, so if I moved I would see him the same amount of time.
    I wouldn't be moving my son he has a stable home life where he lives with his dad.

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    What was the discussion like before he decided to move? Did he involve you in those discussions, as a "What do you think about me moving?" or did he just tell you his decision once he'd made it? As for now, in your shoes, once I'd visited him, I wouldn't invite myself to his place again. I'd let him show his continued interest in me by waiting for him to suggest visiting me, or to offer to pay my ticket if he would rather I visit again. Don't put more effort in than you're getting, to find out if he's really interested in continuing on, versus him maybe wanting the relationship to fade away.

    What would be your cut-off timeline for him to suggest living together? Would you wait indefinitely, or do you have a deadline of, say, 3 years? It's important to think about what you want and to be with someone who will be on the same page. Otherwise, the incompatibility will be unsatisfying and your needs won't be fulfilled.

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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    What was the discussion like before he decided to move?
    Yeah, I would like to know this too. Did he just say, hey, honey, I'm moving out, and left?

    From what I've read so far, he may not be very invested in the relationship. He stayed with you after he gave up his place which made it easier for him to take this job out of state. It sounds like he's going to let the long distance fizzle out the relationship. He may be doing the long fade out.

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    Ok... so... I donít think you will like what I have to say, but I will say it anyways.

    I think your child needs to be your priority.

    I know you are the non-custodial parent and I know you only see your child on the weekends... but you are still a mom. And being a mom is still a 24/7 job. What about school plays? And meet the teacher nights? And ballet recitals? And medical emergencies? And the odd doctorís appointment when your ex canít take off work? Or - especially as they get older - they just miss mom and want to spend time with you. Even if this is not a regular part of your routine - you should be ďon callĒ for all of that stuff. You canít do that from another state.

    In reading your history, yes, youíve lived together - but he didnít seem too excited about it at the time? And heís not considering you in his plans to move, or talking to you about the future, etc.

    Iím sorry, but I really think your priorities are in the wrong place. You are contemplating sacrificing having a real role in your childís life for some dude who is only lukewarm about everything. You are waaaaaaay more invested in the relationship than he is, in my opinion, and frankly, your child should come first - even if you only see them part time.

    My advice would be to let this guy go and concentrate on your relationship with your child instead. Your child will always be your child... this guy is just some guy you are dating.

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    Why are you making all of the trips? It should be 50/50. Are you paying for all of these flights?

    Sounds like you are much more invested than he is. I also agree with the poster who said you should not be so far away from your child.

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