I was emotionally abused in my last relationship and am struggling with breakup

I was in a relationship for only two months, I grew attached to this girl and was very serious about the relationship. After the second month the girl changed a ton and became emotionally abusive towards me and I eventually decided to stand up to her and leave the relationship. I am still finding that even 2 months later I am having a very hard time coping and am looking for advice on how to deal with the scenario. I am 22 years old.

Some backstory on my growing up I was bullied by women for 9 years of my life so much to the point that the only women I spoke to during that time of my life was my mother. Eventually when I got away from these women who bullied me and moved to a new setting I had noticed that I had missed out in the skills required to communicate effectively with women. I communicate perfectly with men and make friends with them almost instantly, and in the business world my skills are very good but with women they seem to get bored when talking to me. I spent many years working on trying to get better (and I have gotten better at it but not much) so then came along this girl. She was the first girl to say she liked me and actually the first month was great. Then the second month came and she changed. She started not wanting anything to do with me and when she did hang around me when I would do kind things or make little surprises for her she'd like them and thank me at first. But then about an hour or two later she would just change and start swearing at me ignore me completely. I was getting so stressed out that I dropped from 139 lbs to 130 lbs and started experiencing physical chest pain (I am 6 ft 1 in). I eventually decided that it was the right thing to get out of the relationship and decided to leave.

Now that i'm out however I feel very lost. It feels like my trust has been so broken. She is the first women I trusted in so long and I feel betrayed. I am looking for advice on how I can move on

Thank you so much

You did all the right things and ended it so your insight and instincts are in tact. Don't get too involved too soon. Take your time getting to know someone. If you see moody or nasty behavior, just end it. Try not to label yourself. You can't change the past only your future. It's up to you and not at the mercy of bully women.

Build confidence by broadening your social interactions. Take some social courses and classes like cooking, dancing, language. Join some clubs and groups and volunteer. This serves several purposes. It makes your life interesting and makes you an interesting person. It builds confidence and allows for conversation with women that is relaxed and no pressure. It may be a way to meet women who have similar interests.

Also focus on getting in shape, updating your look clothes, hair etc. Go to a good hair place and men's store and get tips on a good look for you. Then get on some dating apps with a good profile and some good pics. Start browsing. Start messaging women. Start meeting women who you are interested in for a low-key coffee, take it slow. Learn basic conversational skills in low key settings. Do not strive for instant relationships or attachments.

I was in a relationship for only two months, I grew attached to this girl and was very serious about the relationship. She started not wanting anything to do with me and when she did hang around me when I would do kind things or make little surprises for her she'd like them and thank me at first. But then about an hour or two later she would just change and start swearing at me ignore me completely.

I think you'd benefit from some social groups like join a club, a gym, take up a sport, go to night school etc. Anything that gets you out with both men and women. Some therapy may help you too.

I think you'd benefit from some social groups like join a club, a gym, take up a sport, go to night school etc. Anything that gets you out with both men and women. Some therapy may help you too.

Good advice. I also think you should ask friends to set you up.

If you reflect back, were there any red flags with this girl that you ignored? I am wondering if you are actively choosing abusers as this is what you are familiar with.

Can you also give examples of the things you were doing for her? I am wondering if you were doing too much, as this can also cause disrespect. I am not excusing any of her behavior, but am thinking you may be an overgiver

Your instant attachment Is a bit concerning.

Who were these women who bullied you?

Good advice. I also think you should ask friends to set you up.

 

If you reflect back, were there any red flags with this girl that you ignored? I am wondering if you are actively choosing abusers as this is what you are familiar with.

 

Can you also give examples of the things you were doing for her? I am wondering if you were doing too much, as this can also cause disrespect. I am not excusing any of her behavior, but am thinking you may be an overgiver

 

Your instant attachment Is a bit concerning.

 

Who were these women who bullied you?

The women who bullied me were girl I went to school with growing up. People pointed out red-flags to me that she had already dated 5 people and it was my first relationship and a few other things (This was after we started dating) I wanted to try because it was my first relationship.

My relationship was a long distance relationship. So the things I did was tell her good morning and that I love her, I'd try to make the messages unique every morning (nothing excessive but enough for her to know that I care 2-3 lines of text) and I'd also give her good night texts of a similar way. We both played this online game together and would hangout sometimes when doing that. I tried to make things unique so for our 2 months I made a video telling her all the things I liked about it (it was about 1 minute 30 seconds long) I voiced it over put in music lightly in the background to match the tone of my messages and edited in a bunch of pictures. For our 1 month I drew her a picture of her (Since I am an amateur artist as a hobby).

One thing that happened is we used to video chat a bunch (She was the one to ask me to do this) then all of a sudden we hadn't done it in two weeks so I asked her if we could video chat atleast once in the next month because I missed her smile. (That was the first time she got toxic towards me) In response to that she started swearing at me and told me that she didn't want to do that because she didn't always feel confident in how she looked. She told me that she wasn't good enough for me because I told her I felt like we were being distant and needed to work on communication. (This was a time when we had gone from talking so much every day mutually talking to one another down to just 25 minutes of conversation through text over 5 days (that was why I addressed my concern). ) I eventually apologized to her and said she was good enough for me but now I understand that she was just doing this and putting on an act to make me apologize. There was much more to it (such as her posting on facebook that she was sad to get attention from people). So eventually we made up over that but slowly the communication got less and less from her not on my regard (I did try to put less attention in because I figured possibly she needed some space) but when it didn't improve I addressed my concerns on communication and she did the same thing and said she wasn't good enough. Finally we talked less again I would bring up things and she wouldn't carry the conversation so one day I decided to not instigate any conversation except saying good morning and good night. The next morning she said "So we're through right?" even though we had a sweet message the night before. That was when I addressed my concern about communication one more time and she tried to do the same thing again and this time I didn't take it. She said that me wanting to voice chat with her atleast once a week was "Disgustingly loving" and that it was my fault because it was my first relationship and she would change me. But I decided because of my health that I would ask her to compromise a little. She said no and insisted it was my fault so I left the relationship. Now for this past month I've been struggling.

There is a bit more to it I was going to meet her in February and I had also talked with her mother over the voice cam too and grown to know her family. She was a year older than me 22 years old.

I hope this adds some more context

You did the best thing leaving the abusive relationship.

I'm so sorry you have experienced the bullying in your life.

Trust me when I say there are decent women out there. I know it may not feel that way now.

Have you sought out any therapy. It sounds like a lot of damage has been done from the bullying when you were younger. It should help you overcome this issue you have simply talking and engaging with women in day to day life.

Wish you all the best x

I love how this girl has “red flags” as if the fact that you are openly admitting you can’t properly communicate with women because of past unfaced issues is irrelevant.

Come on man....

Needless to say these are red flags.

You should work through these issues before exasperating them by dating or getting into an online relationship which have a HIGH probability of harming you.

I love how this girl has “red flags” as if the fact that you are openly admitting you can’t properly communicate with women because of past unfaced issues is irrelevant.

 

Come on man....

 

Needless to say these are red flags.

 

You should work through these issues before exasperating them by dating.

You're right but what is done is done now it's about moving forward and taking this bad experience and improving on it. I realize i made a mistake now i'm looking to move forward and I just wanted some direction on how to do so. Also consider the philosophical argument of tabula rasa, it means blank slate. I was sort of like a blank slate in all this it was my first relationship and I knew nothing about anything I had no experiences to pull from and the type of person I am I don't like to give up. I didn't realize at the time someone having dated other people was a problem and some of the other things. But now I am no longer this blank slate I have experiences and i'm ready to not make the same mistakes again. I want to move forward and I just want help with the healing some tips that people can recommend and tips to avoid it from happening again. I really appreciate all the things you guys have told me it is very helpful.

Also I have worked on my communication skills a lot I spent 5 years trying to change myself I put in alot of effort and I talked to many of my friends on how I can improve on communicating with women and I've been using the things they've told me I can't effect the past but I can change the future me. I admit i'm not perfect at communicating with women but I atleast was making an effort this girl was not.

Also no I have never had therapy maybe I should look into it.

Thank you for your input I appreciate it all

You're right but what is done is done now it's about moving forward and taking this bad experience and improving on it. I realize i made a mistake now i'm looking to move forward and I just wanted some direction on how to do so. Also consider the philosophical argument of tabula rasa, it means blank slate. I was sort of like a blank slate in all this it was my first relationship and I knew nothing about anything I had no experiences to pull from and the type of person I am I don't like to give up. I didn't realize at the time someone having dated other people was a problem and some of the other things. But now I am no longer this blank slate I have experiences and i'm ready to not make the same mistakes again. I want to move forward and I just want help with the healing some tips that people can recommend and tips to avoid it from happening again. I really appreciate all the things you guys have told me it is very helpful.

 

Also no I have never had therapy maybe I should look into it.

 

Thank you for your input I appreciate it all

Understood.

My advice:

Therapy

Like others said join social groups so you can become comfortable around women.

Slow and steady wins the race, seriously, don’t force it.

No more online relationships, they have an incredibly high chance of hurting you.

Thank you appreciate that advice! You are right thank you so much everyone honestly just trying to improve myself here

Did you ever go on a date or was this all online? Why aren't you dating people in real life?

Did you ever go on a date or was this all online? Why aren't you dating people in real life?

No I did not get the opportunity in real life we were going to date in February. The program I study is Electrical Engineering and it is a program dominated by males there is no females in our program, so I don't get the opportunity to interact with many of them. When I was in high school I worked 40 hours per week to save money for my education (since I pay for all my education on my own) also I kept top grades while doing this so I was very busy. So you guys are right I need to try and go out more life is not all about only study there is other hobbies I could give up to go out more.

Have you tried online dating, Meetups, volunteering, clubs/classes that interest you etc....

LDR online relationships are fantasy. You cannot have a relationship with someone you see a couple of times a year. Keep dating local. Pull yourself off of the computer and the video games, and interact with people face to face.

OK. So I read your thread, and as what happens, I now get a different view of what you originally said.

Is this correct, you were not abused by "women" growing up. Right? It was just a girl at school at school you went out with? Like I said, this is a totally different picture than what you originally wrote. There are some people on this forum who were actually physically and mentally abused when growing up, so you're not in this category. It sounds more like you're just shy and sensitive and you didn't talk to girls much.

Then you had an Internet relationship with a girl, right? Instead of overthinking things and thinking you're damaged somehow and can't communicate properly, keep in mind that the Internet attracts people with psychological problems. Quite often they're emotionally abusive and they like trying to control and manipulate people from afar. They like having strangers tell them they love them. Actually, I'm not surprised she got crazier as it got closer to the time she was suppose to meet you., These people will usually never meet you. They will only come up with excuses.

So what should you do? First, tell yourself YOU DID NOT HAVE A RELATIONSHIP. She is a stranger and she was probably crazy too. Secondly, you didn't say what country you're from. Girls are a bit different from continent to continent. But you need to put yourself in a situation where girls will see you. The right girl will get a crush on you, but they've got to be able to run into you. I was a technician and I wound up marrying a technician, so you might want to look for a tech-y, nerdy girl that you can talk to and who can understand what you're saying. Are there any other educational tracks at your school, like medical or radiation technician training or something like that where there might be girls? Are there other schools nearby you can hang out at? I actually wasn't even looking for a girlfriend when my wife found me, so these things can happen.

If I'm correct, then you're not some weird guy who was abused and needs therapy, but just someone who is lonely looking for a girlfriend. If you put a little thought and effort into it, then you can find someone who is nice and not crazy.

OK. So I read your thread, and as what happens, I now get a different view of what you originally said.

 

Is this correct, you were not abused by "women" growing up. Right? It was just a girl at school at school you went out with? Like I said, this is a totally different picture than what you originally wrote. There are some people on this forum who were actually physically and mentally abused when growing up, so you're not in this category. It sounds more like you're just shy and sensitive and you didn't talk to girls much.

 

Then you had an Internet relationship with a girl, right? Instead of overthinking things and thinking you're damaged somehow and can't communicate properly, keep in mind that the Internet attracts people with psychological problems. Quite often they're emotionally abusive and they like trying to control and manipulate people from afar. They like having strangers tell them they love them. Actually, I'm not surprised she got crazier as it got closer to the time she was suppose to meet you., These people will usually never meet you. They will only come up with excuses.

 

So what should you do? First, tell yourself YOU DID NOT HAVE A RELATIONSHIP. She is a stranger and she was probably crazy too. Secondly, you didn't say what country you're from. Girls are a bit different from continent to continent. But you need to put yourself in a situation where girls will see you. The right girl will get a crush on you, but they've got to be able to run into you. I was a technician and I wound up marrying a technician, so you might want to look for a tech-y, nerdy girl that you can talk to and who can understand what you're saying. Are there any other educational tracks at your school, like medical or radiation technician training or something like that where there might be girls? Are there other schools nearby you can hang out at? I actually wasn't even looking for a girlfriend when my wife found me, so these things can happen.

 

If I'm correct, then you're not some weird guy who was abused and needs therapy, but just someone who is lonely looking for a girlfriend. If you put a little thought and effort into it, then you can find someone who is nice and not crazy.

Hello, I do find this quite informative I never dated anyone when I was in school this was quite informative though I do appreciate it. I'm from Canada and have lived here my whole life. I never did date anyone when I went through schooling this online relationship was my only first sort of thing like that. The girls I went to school with a group of 8 of them would just start saying things that were not true about me and talk bad about me and eventually it spread among all the girls in my school and they just would non-stop tell me the same rumors over and over again if I was still like that. Luckily I wasn't physically abused. I more told that story to tell about my backstory so it's a little bit more understanding why i'm so poor in these communication skills with girls. I actually took that experience as a good thing I spent alot of my time during those years developing my intelligence and technical skills but it made my communication skills with girls suffer since those are vital years for developing even the basic skills. I spent the remaining 5 years after which is up until now trying to work on and improve them.

For online dating sites the only one I tried was tinder I did not get very many quality matches I don't know if I just don't look good enough or if I suck at texting women, but I determined that site is not for me, but I do hear those other websites you suggested are good options.

I don't think i'm too terrible looking I am not sure if it' that or if I just have a bad personality, I really don't know why I struggle so much.

I do not know if it is because I look a little young for my age (22) .

You're a good looking guy.

Tinder would not be the first site one should use, as it is known for hookups. Go to Match or eharmony. Only girls who are local, and who you can meet up with.

As you mentioned earlier that when you were abused, the only woman you spoke to was your mom. Now also, do ask your mom on how to effectively deal with women. Being a women herself and having experienced a lot more in life than you, she should be giving abundance of advice.

As of now, I suggest you to make friends who are girls and not rush into relationships. One day you might find the girl in one of them or else they would be a great support system for you and can advice you how to deal with girls effectively.

Im on the same boat as you in finding true love, except that Im a woman. I hardly find good guys available out there. Let us be in support of each other and others who have been deeply hurt in heart matters . One suggestion I received was writing down my feelings when Im alone so that I can releive myself of hurt and grief. I actually feel better when I express my feelings out rather than repressing them.

Sometimes we might not be knowing what in our behaviour puts people off. Have a good friend observe you when you try flirting. He might notice any serious behaviour pattern or conversation pattern you should change. Some of my friends did advice me in the past but it was related to friendship issues and not relationship issues. Nevetheless, I believe this technoque will work certainly.

All the best to you.

As you mentioned earlier that when you were abused, the only woman you spoke to was your mom. Now also, do ask your mom on how to effectively deal with women. Being a women herself and having experienced a lot more in life than you, she should be giving abundance of advice.

As of now, I suggest you to make friends who are girls and not rush into relationships. One day you might find the girl in one of them or else they would be a great support system for you and can advice you how to deal with girls effectively.

Im on the same boat as you in finding true love, except that Im a woman. I hardly find good guys available out there. Let us be in support of each other and others who have been deeply hurt in heart matters . One suggestion I received was writing down my feelings when Im alone so that I can releive myself of hurt and grief. I actually feel better when I express my feelings out rather than repressing them.

Sometimes we might not be knowing what in our behaviour puts people off. Have a good friend observe you when you try flirting. He might notice any serious behaviour pattern or conversation pattern you should change. Some of my friends did advice me in the past but it was related to friendship issues and not relationship issues. Nevetheless, I believe this technoque will work certainly.

All the best to you.

Thank you that is actually very helpful, like you I also have been writing things down, I had done research and heard it helps. I really like your other tips and i'm going to try to implement them moving forward I really thank all of you guys for being supportive and giving proper advice. I also wish you luck i'm sorry about your struggles as well!

Nothing wrong with your looks at all, as someone else said you're actually very good-looking.

Entirely possible the girl you were talking to was actually a catfish hence the freak-out as actually meeting got close. A lot of girls use pics on social media designed to make themselves look 15 kilos lighter. Or Snapchat filters.

Also possible she jsut met someone in real life, in which case an online thing is pretty much nothing by comparison.

Tinder is fine but you just have to be straight up about what you want and be quite assertive about going after them. Most girls get more matches than they know what to do with, so if you are too shy you'll just be forgotten about. But just act confident and suggest catching up to od something fun, quickly. Good luck.

Nothing wrong with your looks at all, as someone else said you're actually very good-looking.

 

Entirely possible the girl you were talking to was actually a catfish hence the freak-out as actually meeting got close. A lot of girls use pics on social media designed to make themselves look 15 kilos lighter. Or Snapchat filters.

 

Also possible she jsut met someone in real life, in which case an online thing is pretty much nothing by comparison.

 

Tinder is fine but you just have to be straight up about what you want and be quite assertive about going after them. Most girls get more matches than they know what to do with, so if you are too shy you'll just be forgotten about. But just act confident and suggest catching up to od something fun, quickly. Good luck.

I do believe she was real from the video chats we did but yes you are correct she was alot heavier when I saw her in voice chat she did use lots of filters and/or photoshop to make herself look better but I could tell it was the same person. This was not an issue for me as I liked her for who she was before she changed. But regardless I am going to practice being more assertive I appreciate the advice and the complement thank you very much. I've been working hard these days to setup a plan to implement all your advice.

Thank you so much!