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In my community, we have this latest so called 'Rule' of being skinny or else would hardly find a parter for marriage. People body scan the girls especially to check where the extra fat is. I believe I am in a heathy figure, but because of my large body frame, I am assumed to be overweight and am rejected by many groom prospects. While I was in college, I was the like the dream girl to guys but I couldnt find the dream guy there. Hence, I have to rely on online sites and matchmakers to find the right guy. My parents too are blaming me for not losing weight to become supermodel thin which I cannot owing to my bone structure and large frame. Even if the guy likes me, their parents are making a mess and cancelling the proposal for me not being like a supermodel. I wonder if I can find the guy. God knows whats wrong with guys in my community, they werent like this few years ago. Its all because of societal trend and influences that people base their preferences and not their own mind.

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Oh it's not just your community... there is a perception globally that being thin somehow means you get everything you want in life... men, jobs, success, happiness, etc, etc. Of course I think we all know that being thin doesn't give you a good personality or make you a better person... nor does it make you happy.

 

You know deep down inside that this isn't true... unfortunately you are being bombarded by messages that your beliefs aren't valid. But that voice inside you that says they are wrong... that you are beautiful the way you are and that you want a relationship with someone that loves you for who you are... those are the voices you need to listen to.

 

If you have the ways and means, consider breaking away from your community to a community that is more accepting of diversity and will celebrate you as you are.

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I’m in my mid 50’s, and it’s the same thing in the social circles I’m in. So it’s not just you, nor is it just amongst young people or certain comminunities. Even at my age, a size 8 is considered “large”, and I struggle as well. My ex-boyfriend made sure to point out how fat I looked in all their family photos, as size 00 - 2 are considered “average”. So I looked huge in comparison. He was a jerk, hence the “ex”, but I have to admit it did hurt.

 

I have 2 teenage nieces who are sisters. One is thin, the other one a larger gal. Both play sports, both eat the same. But their grandmother (not my mom, their other grandmother) gives the larger one a hard time, constantly. It’s horrible.

 

Best thing I can say is, F it. Seriously. Be healthy. Eat right. Exercise. And be whatever size your body maintains.

 

I think the Instagram-model phenomenon has contributed, as well as so much other social media.

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OP where on earth do you live? Sounds awful. I'm chubby, always have been, and doubt it will change as I take after my dad's family. As I got older I learned to not let it bother me and honestly it doesnt bother me. If you dont like me because I am not thin, well then I dont need you in my life. My husband loves me for me.

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I’m in my mid 50’s, and it’s the same thing in the social circles I’m in. So it’s not just you, nor is it just amongst young people or certain comminunities. Even at my age, a size 8 is considered “large”, and I struggle as well. My ex-boyfriend made sure to point out how fat I looked in all their family photos, as size 00 - 2 are considered “average”. So I looked huge in comparison. He was a jerk, hence the “ex”, but I have to admit it did hurt.

 

I have 2 teenage nieces who are sisters. One is thin, the other one a larger gal. Both play sports, both eat the same. But their grandmother (not my mom, their other grandmother) gives the larger one a hard time, constantly. It’s horrible.

 

Best thing I can say is, F it. Seriously. Be healthy. Eat right. Exercise. And be whatever size your body maintains.

 

I think the Instagram-model phenomenon has contributed, as well as so much other social media.

 

Good advice. I have been mildly overweight my whole life -- around 20-30 pounds mostly, but at one point closer to 40 -- and when I was growing up, I got a TON of messages that boys wouldn't want to date me, men would never be interested in me, etc. I internalized those messages well into my 30's. When I was a teenager, I starved myself down to 112 pounds at one point, and I was miserable and looked gaunt. At one point, I ballooned up to around 180 and even size 16 was starting to get snug. I was miserable then, too, so I lost close to 30 pounds about 15 years ago, and at around 155 and size 10, I'm finally fine with how I look AND feel, even though I am definitely not thin by societal standards, and am probably still at least 20 pounds overweight for my height/frame.

 

 

 

The bottom line: How do YOU feel about yourself? That's all that matters. Others' opinions are just noise. It's hard, but try to focus more on how you feel about yourself than how others feel about you. I finally got to a decent weight, one where I'm happy, when I stopped listening to everyone else -- the media, "society," my parents, peers who obsess over weight.

 

Think about how you want to spend the rest of your life. Even if you get "thin enough" for one of these arranged marriages to come about, you will no doubt feel pressure every minute of every day to maintain that size, and that will lead to a lot of stress -- and even misery -- for you. I once met a woman at a party who was impeccably dressed and, very thin, etc. She had a handsome, similarly fit and well-groomed husband. It was back when I was single, and I was jealous -- they seemed to have it ALL! After they left the party, the party hostess confided that she was worried about the woman because her husband was extremely controlling -- that he made her weigh herself EVERY morning and tell him how much she weighed, and that if she went over a certain weight, he would freak out. All the envy I had immediately vanished, and I was grateful not to have to deal with that -- to be able to just be myself, and love myself, how I was/am. That, above all, is the most important thing. It's worth it to hold out for someone who is going to love you and appreciate you for who you are and what you look like.

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You would be wise to study some art and go to some museums. Do you live in a country that allows art and museums? From that you'll see that there are all forms of ideal female and male bodies throughout time. And that this varies with cultures, times, etc.

 

It seems you have an eating disorder and some sort of body image distortion in addition to poor self esteem and are very self conscious and overly focused on your appearance. You are so obsessed with this that you feel only extremely thin people will find mates. You appear to be extending this into the inability to procure a husband and even go so far to say that your parents and the parents of prospective grooms want you to lose weight and are rejecting you due to weight.

In my community, we have this latest so called 'Rule' of being skinny or else would hardly find a parter for marriage.
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I have a large frame as well OP. I am now overweight but I carry it well because of my frame. When I was thin I was still large in the sense I wore size 8 jeans and large tops. That’s only because I had the curves. But I was healthy.

 

I would give anything to go back to that body!

 

Being obese I started to realize if you’re healthy and not obese. Then you should have nothing to worry about.

 

I’m not looking to lose weight to be a size 0 I’m losing weight too come off certain medications and be healthy.

 

Op I think you need to shut out the naysayers and do your own thing! Love will come!

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If you go to a bridal shop, you will find wedding dresses in every size from 0 - 36 and up. They wouldn't make dresses for larger women if they weren't getting married! Some guys even like the extra curves, there are more of those guys out there than you think, not every man wants a thin woman.

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As women and even men we are all conscious of weight.

 

I don't even come from a culture that criticize based on weight and my nan would always point out if any of her granddaughters have put on weight! That's so damaging and was for us as teenagers. It's like water off a ducks back now. As when you grow up things like that don't worry you as much.

 

Sadly it is such a big thing in society. Gone are the days curves are considered sexy. Look at the pin-up models from back in the day. They are real women and we don't see that anymore!

 

I'm so sorry you are in a culture that are heavily focused on being "skinny". Your perfect man is out there. Trust me as cliche as it sounds. It's so true.

 

I was always conscious of muscly men... They still aren't my cup of tea. But I was talking to my cousin who is 6ft4, body of a model and genuinely handsome. Like girls stop and look at him if we are out together. Anyway he loves his girls to be on the larger side. He was like real women have meat on them. Which is true. So never judge a book by it's cover as I assumed all those men are after "surfer girls".

 

Like I said your perfect man is out there as we all have specific tastes in what we look for in a partner.

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Yeah, Marilyn Monroe's size 12 is today's 6.

 

However, in many stick-thin societies, Marilyn would be considered a much larger gal these days. In my last relationship, every single female on my ex's "side" (family, in-laws, etc.) was bone-stick-thin. Someone as large as Marilyn (or me) was considered very outcast, as I actually ate a full meal, lol.

 

Even in my current social circle, it amazes me how these mid 50's to yes, 70's aged women are bone thin. I'm the largest woman by far, as I struggle with 10-15 lbs.

 

One friend who was always a workout-a-holic has recently put on some weight, largely due to menopause and stress. She's upset about it and has brought it up to me, but I don't really notice. But recently, one of our other friends literally said to her "So why have you put on so much weight?". Unbelievable.

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As a woman, I can relate to the pressures of feeling like I have to look a certain way - at least, I used to think more so this way.

 

I'm in my 30's now, but back in my teens and during a brief time in my 20's, I was very disciplined with my eating and exercise regime - to the point where it was completely unrealistic to maintain. And I was never big! I was just tall (at 5'10"), so I wanted to feel smaller since I always felt like I was towering over all of my friends. I was also of the view during this time that the supermodel figure was the ideal image.

 

But now, I no longer feel this way!

 

I eat healthy, I exercise, I'm in great shape, and I have curves. I love them! It's what makes me feel girly and feminine, and I'd never want to lose these curves.

 

And I don't believe for a second that all men want women who are stick-thin. I honestly think that men are looking for healthy women. Some women can pull off a very thin look, where there are tons of women who look gorgeous with meat on their bones! There's no one size fits all.

 

And I can assure you that there are men out there who are looking for what you have to offer in terms of your looks and physique! Just own and love what you have.

 

Just take care of yourself, inside & out. Be healthy.

 

The right man is out there for you. But please do not think that you have to look like a thin super model to attract a man - this is simply not true.

 

I wish we could hear from some men on ENA with respect to this!

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Seriously, that's true. People of differnet sizes exist and no one has the right to mock them for who they are. Everyone has their own reason for being that weight. Wouldn't anyone as a human love to be appreciated. Criticizing is like adding oil to the fire.

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Are your parents pressuring you to find a husband?

Seriously, that's true. People of differnet sizes exist and no one has the right to mock them for who they are. Everyone has their own reason for being that weight. Wouldn't anyone as a human love to be appreciated. Criticizing is like adding oil to the fire.
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I belong to Indian ethnicity. People weren't so much judgeental about body and would like to know about the personality. Now, even if the girl is a jerk, malnourished, they just don't care. Guys seem to giving importance to so called 'FAMILY PRESTIGE' about getting a skinny daughter-in-law into their. Otherwise, they would feel ashamed of having failed. Hopeless society.

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I live in India currently, have gone to college in USA. I would like to say that to those mean guys like a punch on their face for showing how awful they are by body shaming. Im happy your husband loves you for being yourself. I belief the wait will be worth it to find my Mr.Right who loves me for being me.

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Good advice. I have been mildly overweight my whole life -- around 20-30 pounds mostly, but at one point closer to 40 -- and when I was growing up, I got a TON of messages that boys wouldn't want to date me, men would never be interested in me, etc. I internalized those messages well into my 30's. When I was a teenager, I starved myself down to 112 pounds at one point, and I was miserable and looked gaunt. At one point, I ballooned up to around 180 and even size 16 was starting to get snug. I was miserable then, too, so I lost close to 30 pounds about 15 years ago, and at around 155 and size 10, I'm finally fine with how I look AND feel, even though I am definitely not thin by societal standards, and am probably still at least 20 pounds overweight for my height/frame.

 

 

 

The bottom line: How do YOU feel about yourself? That's all that matters. Others' opinions are just noise. It's hard, but try to focus more on how you feel about yourself than how others feel about you. I finally got to a decent weight, one where I'm happy, when I stopped listening to everyone else -- the media, "society," my parents, peers who obsess over weight.

 

Think about how you want to spend the rest of your life. Even if you get "thin enough" for one of these arranged marriages to come about, you will no doubt feel pressure every minute of every day to maintain that size, and that will lead to a lot of stress -- and even misery -- for you. I once met a woman at a party who was impeccably dressed and, very thin, etc. She had a handsome, similarly fit and well-groomed husband. It was back when I was single, and I was jealous -- they seemed to have it ALL! After they left the party, the party hostess confided that she was worried about the woman because her husband was extremely controlling -- that he made her weigh herself EVERY morning and tell him how much she weighed, and that if she went over a certain weight, he would freak out. All the envy I had immediately vanished, and I was grateful not to have to deal with that -- to be able to just be myself, and love myself, how I was/am. That, above all, is the most important thing. It's worth it to hold out for someone who is going to love you and appreciate you for who you are and what you look like.

 

That is such an awful way to treat his lady. Wouldn't he leave her if she gained weight. I am happy with my body but my self-esteem used to erode away whenever someone talked about my weight. In Indian society, people openly suggest how many kilos/pounds you are suppose to lose and also give unasked for diet tips. Some of the sales people openly tell you that so and so clothes are available for your size even if you don't ask them. Its actually intentional so as to mock about your weight. Anyway, I believe Im an awesome person by heart and would like to help people who are in distress. Only a lucky guy would deserve me. All those out there who want only a girl's body are average guys no matter how muscular or hot-looking they are. They have got to know their manners on how to respect and treat women.

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Yeah, Marilyn Monroe's size 12 is today's 6.

 

However, in many stick-thin societies, Marilyn would be considered a much larger gal these days. In my last relationship, every single female on my ex's "side" (family, in-laws, etc.) was bone-stick-thin. Someone as large as Marilyn (or me) was considered very outcast, as I actually ate a full meal, lol.

 

Even in my current social circle, it amazes me how these mid 50's to yes, 70's aged women are bone thin. I'm the largest woman by far, as I struggle with 10-15 lbs.

 

One friend who was always a workout-a-holic has recently put on some weight, largely due to menopause and stress. She's upset about it and has brought it up to me, but I don't really notice. But recently, one of our other friends literally said to her "So why have you put on so much weight?". Unbelievable.

 

People sometimes cross their limits about sensitive issues. People who don't help their pals need not boast about charity they are involved in. They say charity begins at home. In stead of criticizing, why cant people actually help is what I feel too. I have decided to help people who are in any distress and not mock or laugh at their pitiful state which I never did. I would like to teach the society the lesson that real heroes are those that make a change and not the artificial heroism in body shape. In my religion, it is said that god gave you this body to be healthy and to be a true human that would add value to the society and not just for showing off the body.

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It's too bad you feel this way. It takes on a life of it's own and you are making yourself miserable. Confirmation bias is the tendency to interpret new evidence as confirmation of one's existing beliefs or theories. It's very similar to the bitterness that causes people to think "all men want is sex" and "all women want is money". Of course these people will never see people for who they are, only the reflection of their own distortions. Perhaps therapy could help you focus less on this weight anxiety and focus more on meeting nice men.

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