Relationship Advice... Why am I feeling this way?

Hi everyone :) very new here. I really just need advice.

I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year now. Our anniversary is this week. I’ve only ever been in one other relationship previously that lasted about 6 months...

So really my boyfriend was a lot of firsts for me. At first I thought he was the guy of my dreams... Incredibly smart, a leader, hard worker, funny, a family man…. We are in the same field and have the same goals as well.

The longer we started dating, the more “ugly sides” of his personality seeped out. He’s incredibly controlling, he has a short temper, he’s not very generous, judgmental, superficial, overly sensitive, egotistical and egocentric to the point where I sometimes think he has somewhat of a narcissistic personality.

But through it all he seems to love me so much. He’s very clingy and always wants to be around me. Always is saying how much he loves me. This makes me feel guilty because I don’t know if reciprocate just how much he loves me. For instance, he has been staying over my place for three weeks. Because of a work project, he had to leave this morning and will be gone for 2-3 days. He was really depressed and sad about the fact he had to leave and was already missing me. I couldn’t help but feel relieved that he finally was going back to his place (thus making me feel guilty).

My problem is that I think I fell for the idea of him instead of HIM. I can’t help but find certain parts of him so unappealing that it colors my opinion of him at times. We’ve actually fought about this before when I decided to be completely honest with him.

I love him.... but I don’t know if I am in love with him. I cannot determine if it’s exclusively him or a problem within myself. Am I too cold? Am I too critical of him? Am I just asexual/aromantic? Am I just going through a rough patch?

See, I’ve never been a person seeking out to be in a relationship nor am I clingy. I prefer to be alone or with my family. And as I mentioned I don’t have much experience of being in a relationship. In my only other relationship, I wasn't crazy about him... like if we hung out or not it was all the same to me. Thus, I go back and forth on the idea that I’m aromantic because of the way I’m feeling. I’m just confused I guess and really need some thoughts/opinions.

Am I always gonna feel this way when in a relationship despite who I am with or is he just “not the one.”

I wish it was clearer :(

Thank you guys for the help. Feels good to let this out.

Hey OP

You are meant to be in a relationship. It’s just not with him. To be honest, he sounds awful!

I would end things with him because it’s going to only get worse with his controlling and other not so good things about him.

He won’t change! It’s been a year and I’m afraid what you see is what you get.

You deserve better.

I don't think the problem is with you here. You sound very independent and balanced and can enjoy your own company and being with your family without needing to be attached to your partner 24-7, which is a healthy way to be. You're probably much better in a relationship because you're so used to your independence that you have more to offer as an individual in your own right. He is overly attached if he can't handle space and it sounds like he really needs to work on insecurities because that's probably what contributes to his controlling side and need to be close at all times.

I can't tell you what to do but I can say that if it's only 1 year in and you're questioning so many of his personality traits and finding some so unappealing with such intensity then it doesn't sound like the relationship has longevity, and if I were you I wouldn't waste your time.

He may have been the "man of your dreams" at the very beginning, but that's not real life - most people come off at their best in the honeymoon stage before reality kicks in and then later down the line you have to consider whether this person would be a good life partner for you. Your gushy feelings now sound like they've been thoroughly tainted by incompatibilities.

It sounds like he's emotionally abusive, especially if you're having arguments and he's not giving you any breathing room. People think abusers just abuse people and act badly, but a big part of syndrome is exaggerated expressions of love that they use to control and manipulate their partners. And then they use that as a weapon by making their partners feel guilty that they don't love them as much as they love them.

I think subconsciously you know this and that's why you're trying to push him away. You know there's something wrong. He's just too much and it's not a healthy relationship. This has nothing to do with you. But sometimes it's difficult to find a nice guy. You should get out of this relationship and move on.

OP,

It sounds to me that you’re in a bit of a catch 22, and you’re clearly lost, not knowing if you should stay or leave. I can tell you this, because I’ve been there.

I’m a guy, but I was in your shoes once with a woman I dated years ago. She was the same way: controlling, angry, condescending, you name it. Like your boyfriend, she always wanted to be with me, every time I wanted to go out with my friends she would get mad, you name it. It was hard for me to leave her, but in the end I finally did, and I didn’t regret it.

What I would recommend is talking to him about these things, tell him what is bothering you. If he decides “ok you’re right, I’ll work on it”, then let him have a chance. There is a possibility he might resist and defend himself, if that’d be the case then I would recommend leaving him. When you’re in a relationship, you should be happy; you should never feel that you HAVE to be with a person. This guy is clearly not making you happy.

"The longer we started dating, the more “ugly sides” of his personality seeped out. He’s incredibly controlling, he has a short temper, he’s not very generous, judgmental, superficial, overly sensitive, egotistical and egocentric to the point where I sometimes think he has somewhat of a narcissistic personality."

I do not understand why you are with this person! He is emotionally abusive, controlling and manipulative, but you already know this. It will get worse.

I had my first true love as a teen, and it lasted two years. He had wonderful qualities, just like your man. If I had a headache, he would massage my temples for so long I'd fall asleep. He was faithful. He was fun. But like your man, he also possessed dealbreakers like being possessive and controlling, and as time went by, I learned that I wasn't going to let myself be treated like that and broke up with him.

It's okay to feel guilty when you break up, because you're not a robot, but it's the right thing to do for yourself. I always say that to gauge your feelings, it's a good idea to think of growing old with a partner. Do you have a warm fuzzy feeling or do you feel like a weight is crushing your chest? I believe I know the answer, since you already mentioned how relieved you were when he left your house. Take care and don't let him emotionally blackmail you when you end things. That's what controllers do. Be prepared and be strong.

Read up on red flags for controlling relationships and warning signs of abusive personalities. You need to end this asap. Then you need to delete and block him from all messaging and social media. Tell your parents, family, friends what is going on. Change your locks. Never let him near you again. He targeted you because of your lack of experience and romantic fantasies of love.

He’s incredibly controlling, he has a short temper, he’s not very generous, judgmental, superficial, overly sensitive, egotistical and egocentric. He’s very clingy and always wants to be around me. he has been staying over my place for three weeks..

This guy seems to be like a possesive guy. Seems like toxic relation. This is gonna go so far if not stopped early. Give him clear boundaries first.

Thank you so much to everyone that responded. A lot of the responses really hit home. @mack1490 Thanks for sharing your similar experience.

I’m a little reluctant to think that he might be abusive. I’m not naive enough to think that it couldn’t ever happen but I just don’t think its at that point right now.

When we have arguments he does apologize for his behaviors and shows remorse. And I don't feel like i'm in harms way.

You don't have to wait until you have more emotional damage, self esteem issues or wait until you end up in an ER. Abusive relationships are like quicksand. The longer you stay the harder it is to get out and the more insidious the damage is. You don't want to believe it because the pain of believing it is greater than the dealing with the cognitive dissonance it creates.

Your words are very typical of someone in denial of being in an abusive relationship: "he apologizes", "it's not that bad", "there are good times", "he is troubled and has a few issues with anger, but can't help it". Do yourself a favor and read up on "red flags for abusers", "The Cycle Of Violence" (google that one right away). You are afraid of educating yourself about it because you are afraid the description may fit your situation.

I’m a little reluctant to think that he might be abusive. I just don’t think its at that point right now. When we have arguments he does apologize for his behaviors and shows remorse.