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Thread: Partner prioritises gym over family

  1. #41
    Gold Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Why paint this as a shady "abusive narcissist" thing when not only did you give him the money to put in a joint account, you also have access to it? Do you have access to the money he earns? It seems you are quite resentful about a host of things and decided eliminating sex would be a good solution.

    The victim mentality you are carrying over is something you need to explore in therapy so you can distinguish between what is or is not "abusive" and what is simply a scheduled conflict, disagreement about rigid family dinner times and of course the complete lack of adult affection and intimacy you have decided on.
    Yea I agree with this... he might be controlling etc (most very successful people are by the way) but you are taking it to the extreme here.

    He is taking advantage of your dependence on him, and that you are letting him. This isn't about the gym or having dinner together or anything else... it's about your frustration that you aren't getting heard or listened to... and his frustration that you don't appreciate the fact that he is financially taking care of you. Different love languages for sure.

  2. #42
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    I'm confused about the inheritance. It seems a bit hyperbolic to regard it being put into a term account (equivalent to a CD as most of us are familiar with) as you "not even having access to it" as though he stuffed it into his own checking account. In theory, neither of you have access to it, at least not without a penalty. Granted, I'm a bit perplexed as to how he works at a bank and couldn't come up with a better investment (plenty of ways to get a better return with little, if any increased risk), but with you understandably making a nominal amount, making the inheritance work for you seems sensible. You say he asks you to transfer money to him, so I assume you've got your own account. You say you've got a joint account, so it seems you've got access to general funds. If he's a banker or otherwise is more financially trained or educated, it would make sense he makes decisions about investing lump sums. While, yes, I do think it should be a collaborative decision, I'm not willing to call it him holding you financially hostage. Has he told you that you can't return to work if you'd like to?

    I also have no idea why dinner can't just be later. My grams had 13 kids and a ~9:00pm dinner time. Same with my family. Granted, it's cultural, but it's not beyond conditioning to, particularly if we're talking a more conventionally moderate hour of 7:30pm - 8:00pm.

    I can't speak to your arguments or what him "flipping out" exactly entails, whether they on there own aren't in fact worthy of getting in touch with a lawyer over, how much of it may in fact be reciprocal, etc. I'm just not sure if we should be going from 0 to 60 on the divorce train prior to any sort of marital counseling, particularly when we've got the livelihoods of two children to factor in.

  3. #43
    Gold Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    I also have no idea why dinner can't just be later. My grams had 13 kids and a ~9:00pm dinner time. Same with my family. Granted, it's cultural, but it's not beyond conditioning to, particularly if we're talking a more conventionally moderate hour of 7:30pm - 8:00pm.
    I was wondering this too. I conditioned my family to adapt to later dinners so their dad and I could hit the gym after work... and the kids were completely fine with it... the bonus is that it taught them the value and importance of prioritizing health and fitness.

  4. #44
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    he comes home and spends about 30 minutes in the house, getting changed out of his suit, changing a nappy and brushing a set of teeth and then he's out the door to the gym and doesn't get home until 7:30-8pm.
    Negotiation means offering something of value as fair trade for something of value to you. Bribery is the fine art of showing someone 'what's in it for them' to give you what you want. Successful couples negotiate bribes all the time to get mutual wins.

    I'd ask what kind of bribe I can offer husband to test a possible solution with me for one month. We can start with a great gym bag and a shoe bag of his choice. I'd agree to be in charge of keeping these bags filled with clean versions of everything on a list he makes for me, and I'd leave the gym bag in the passenger seat of his car each night so he won't even need to remember to take it with him in the mornings.

    This would allow husband to skip the commute home before the gym. He can change in the locker room and hopefully make it home for dinner somewhere between 6:30 and 7:30--that's the thing to test.

    I'd train the kids to eat all meals a bit later to accommodate a later dinner. I'd promise husband that I'll be open to his feedback on how we can tweak this compromise or skip it after a month. Hopefully, he will come to enjoy the partnership in keeping his gym clothes organized and refreshed, and he'll feel supported by the teamwork.

    As for finances, I'd propose a 3 account system: His, Hers and Ours. A dollar value of income is assigned to your home and child care services as earnings--so research an average of what these services would cost if you both paid someone else to do them. From there, you each contribute weekly, according to your percentage of income, to the Ours account, which covers your budget for all shared monthly expenses and investments. So if husband earns, say, 75% more than you, he contributes 75% of the monthly Ours budget, and you contribute 25%. The leftover funds go into the His and Hers accounts for each of you to save or spend as you wish. This prevents disputes over discretionary funds.

    If husband won't compromise on the finances, I'd get good legal advice about your options for self protection along with the steps involved for each option.

    There's no way that I'd relinquish all power over my financial health. I'd insist that we pay all bills together, and I'd be present and involved in learning about all accounts and ensuring that I have equal access to them.

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  6. #45
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Negotiation means offering something of value as fair trade for something of value to you. Bribery is the fine art of showing someone 'what's in it for them' to give you what you want. Successful couples negotiate bribes all the time to get mutual wins.

    I'd ask what kind of bribe I can offer husband to test a possible solution with me for one month. We can start with a great gym bag and a shoe bag of his choice. I'd agree to be in charge of keeping these bags filled with clean versions of everything on a list he makes for me, and I'd leave the gym bag in the passenger seat of his car each night so he won't even need to remember to take it with him in the mornings.

    This would allow husband to skip the commute home before the gym. He can change in the locker room and hopefully make it home for dinner somewhere between 6:30 and 7:30--that's the thing to test.
    Well, I understand your point but I find it hard that you need to show a father what's in it for him to spend a night eating with his new born kids and his wife.

    what is the point of founding a family if the only think you care is how much pounds you put on your squat ?

    And in a more pratical and moral concern, he makes kids, no one put a gun on his head to have them, so now he HAS to raise them properly and that means spend at least a night with them.

    Regarding the time schedule you propose, I believe that can be made, the op said he already back home between 7:30 and 8pm and that's too late. If the man is out of his job by 5:30pm, even if he has a gym bag, he will be ready in his gym at 6pm and with the warm up and all he will be out at 7pm at minimum, more 7:30 or 8pm depending of his program, so he can't be home before 7:30pm.

    I believe the best way is for him to eat with the kids/wife at 7pm and be at the gym at 8:30pm he can train till 10pm and be at bed at 10:30pm.

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