Partner prioritises gym over family

[LHGirl]

Then why did you say you have no access to your grandmother's money? Now you're saying it's from his father? Which?

Are you married to this guy?

[Sammie40]

In my country inheritance is divided as any other asset. So my brother and his wife split JUST after my brother got his share and she 'generously' only took 40% rather than 50%. I am questioning why he chose to be a father too. Very early on in our relationship he told me kids were a dealbreaker and he was desperate to have them, but he does not seem too keen on shouldering the responsibility of the 'work' involved in parenting. Just the rolling on the floor playing for 20 minutes side.

[Sammie40]

I don't have access to it because it went into a joint account and legally inheritance is split in my country. His father is still alive and gave us money to help us get into our first home. We are not married. But we have been together 5 years so everything is a 50/50 split legally in a de facto relationship.

[Sammie40]

The family dinners are really a symptom of something much deeper and more worrying going on in your relationship.

The financial control, the fact that he effectively hijacked your inheritance and put it somewhere you could not access it, holding the relationship to ransom when you asked him to shift his schedule to fit in more family time together... All these are really quite sinister methods of control, and are likely to get worse rather than better with time. Can I just ask, has your relationship isolated you from your friends and other support network, or has it always been like that? I doubt that your mounting stress levels have very much to do with the lack of family life per se, and are also your body letting you know very clearly that something's wrong.

Whatever, you need to get legal advice and find out what your rights are before doing anything. Leave the issue of dinners aside for now, and work out how you can make your current existence work for you.

He certainly doesn't isolate me. He encourages me to go out with friends as he likes to do the same himself. But his inability to communicate without flying off the handle has put me off side so many times now I am just over it. I went to see a medium recently about my direction in life and I don't even really believe in that sort of stuff but she spent 4 hours telling me to get out now and find a good lawyer. Ha! How would I even pay for it? I'm feeling freaked.

[LHGirl]

So let me get this straight:

You're not married.

You have kids together.

He "flies off the handle" frequently.

He works at a bank, so he has put all the money into a joint account, which he will have to sign for you to have access.

He refuses to budge, or compromise, for even one family dinner.

Why won't you go to a lawyer? And don't say it's about money. Go see one, and tell them about your joint accounts. I betcha they'll find a way to help you access the money so they can get paid. Or go to a women's shelter and find a pro bono lawyer, possibly a recent law school graduate.

Or, you can continue on here, page after page, defending him.

Your choice.

[Sammie40]

Please read what I wrote in response to nutbrownhare. I agree that the dinners aren’t the real issue and agree with the others.

Thanks. Yes, I have been uneasy for a while admittedly, but I thought my discontent was due to not feeling emotionally connected to him because of his schedule. Every time I bought up the inheritance he said 'You need to stop referring to it as your inheritance, it's our money, just like my pay is our money, not mine.' He's always been pretty nutty about this 'equality' thing. But he's changed. When we met he wined and dined me like crazy and now, after five years together, if we go for dinner he pays for it at the counter and then asks me to transfer half to him. I've stopped wanting to go out because I don't have enough spending money to cover these costs anyway.

[Sammie40]

I'm not really defending him am I? I'm asking for advice and I am grateful for yours. I will be seeking advice from a lawyer. But he's also a trained lawyer and the smartest person I have met in my life. He's 'gifted intellectually'. I don't think I can outsmart him and all our money goes into a mortgage so it's not like it's not tied up already anyway. To be honest it's all just starting to dawn on me how crazy this situation feels. I guess I am venting so don't respond if you feel you are wasting your time. The kids and I are not in danger, he has NEVER ever raised his hand to me. But it's just the intellectual control and the mind games like telling me 'we are over' rather than responding to a question like a normal person.

[Hollyj]

He certainly doesn't isolate me. He encourages me to go out with friends as he likes to do the same himself. But his inability to communicate without flying off the handle has put me off side so many times now I am just over it. I went to see a medium recently about my direction in life and I don't even really believe in that sort of stuff but she spent 4 hours telling me to get out now and find a good lawyer. Ha! How would I even pay for it? I'm feeling freaked.

In this case, follow the medium's advice

[Hollyj]

Isn't he required to pay support in your country?

Also, you can certainly return to work. Many women do.

[Hollyj]

Thanks. Yes, I have been uneasy for a while admittedly, but I thought my discontent was due to not feeling emotionally connected to him because of his schedule. Every time I bought up the inheritance he said 'You need to stop referring to it as your inheritance, it's our money, just like my pay is our money, not mine.' He's always been pretty nutty about this 'equality' thing. But he's changed. When we met he wined and dined me like crazy and now, after five years together, if we go for dinner he pays for it at the counter and then asks me to transfer half to him. I've stopped wanting to go out because I don't have enough spending money to cover these costs anyway.

How is it his money? You are not married. I'm sorry, but I think that was really foolish! I don't give a damn about the house and the gift from the father. Are both of your names on the deed?