Bf depressed

I dunno. My bf has had a fair bit going on and I've been trying to be supportive but I'm feeling like..... I don't even know how to put it.

 

He's had family issues which are hopefully getting sorted now (Mum has dementia, but he's sorted out professional care for her now, his dad had heart attack but is on the mend too now, which is good news obviously) and I was trying really hard to be supportive thru that stuff, but then it's like he gets all depressed about everything else in his life.

 

Like he earns 5x the average wage, he has me, his parents are getting better now, he should be happy. But he keeps finding to be depressed about and I'm like omg. I just want to make him happy and I feel like I'm a failure that I can't fix it.

 

I dunno this is more a vent than anything. Truth is I'm probably not gonna say or do anything except to go on yet another diet and spend more money on trying to look pretty and then tell him how wonderful he is.... He IS real nice to me but I just want him to be a bit happier and to look on the bright side!!!

He might be actually depressed and need professional help.

 

It's not your job to fix depression nor is it your fault he feels like that. Depressed people can seem to have the best life on paper but that has nothing to do with how they feel inside. Sometimes they need the help of a professional.

 

I'm also concerned with the fact that this prompts you to diet and trying to look better for him. How he feels has nothing to do with how you look

You should consider the possibility that some people are simply content being miserable. It's just who they are and you aren't going to fix that or change that. I'm also concerned that you are dieting in response to his demeanor. His miserable demeanor is not on you and is not your problem. If he is dragging you down with him, then you need to leave him. He isn't as nice as you think in that case.

The dieting thing is just, I feel happier in myself if I know I look good. And makes it easier to not internalise it, which I do have a tendency to do.

 

I dunno. He did seem happier this weekend after spending time together - like I was real worried after some of the stuff he actually put on social media!! - but he did seem a lot better after we'd spent some time together. Didn't really do much, just cuddled and watched movies and I made pancakes (no diets when he's actually there!!) and we took my dog for a walk - but god, the next day he's all depressed again.

 

Maybe he does need professional help. Or maybe it's just a temporary thing and once he gets past these issues at the moment he'll be better again.

Unfortunately when it comes to depression... No one can make you snap out or make you feel happy.

 

You'll have to support him. If you notice it getting worst maybe suggest professional help?

 

He is lucky to have you there as not many people pick up the signs. Try not to make a big deal as it can be overwhelming.

 

Also don't be hard on yourself with the dieting and "trying to look pretty". I guarantee you it has nothing to do with you. It's what ever is going on in his head. I am sure you are lovely the way you are it is just that is not enough for him to snap out of whatever he is going through right now.

 

To everyone looking on the outside he may seem to have the "perfect" life but that doesn't stop depression. When you get dragged down it's hard to see ant postives. Which is why you'll have to stand back and see if it gets worst then suggest professional help sadly.

 

Right not there is not much you can do but be there for him. He may even pull away like people with depression tend to do. So keep that in mind and know he isn't doing anything to spite you or be horrible.

 

Hope it's not too serious and he can come out of this on his own.

OP, how long has he been your boyfriend?

 

You are internalizing a lot of his circumstantial issues for what you have previously described as a very short relationship in this thread: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=555286

 

Is your attempt to "look pretty" because you think he looks like a model? (I am assuming it's the same guy you spoke about a month ago) I would be concerned that you have rushed in and still don't know him all that well, but have attached your own sense of worth to how much time he spends with you and how he's reacting to the stresses in his life.

OP, how long has he been your boyfriend?

 

You are internalizing a lot of his circumstantial issues for what you have previously described as a very short relationship in this thread: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=555286

 

Is your attempt to "look pretty" because you think he looks like a model? (I am assuming it's the same guy you spoke about a month ago) I would be concerned that you have rushed in and still don't know him all that well, but have attached your own sense of worth to how much time he spends with you and how he's reacting to the stresses in his life.

 

I completely missed the fact this was the OP's first post.

 

In this case I don't think there is much you can do SmittenKittn.

 

It's different to support a partner you have built a connection with for year with depression.

 

This is an incredibly new relationship! The likelihood is he will get to a point where he will no longer see the relationship as an additional stress in his life and more than likely pull away. Or he could use you as a crutch to make himself feel better which is not fair on you what so ever.

 

 

It's way too new for you to have to be involved in this man's depression.

 

Not to say if things get better with his family that you and him can't make it work.

 

Just as it stands right now I don't know how you can "help" him.

 

I can't stress this enough you do not have to change by dieting to make him want you anymore.

 

Depression is a funny old thing. Doesn't matter what is good and that's in front of you. You go completely blind.

 

So his lack of attention to you right now has nothing to do with you or the way you look. It's the fact he is blind from the depression.

 

As we also know depression greatly reduces your sex drive too. So no amount of changing you will change his desires right now. It's the depression clouding it all.

It's starting to sound like your boyfriend has bipolar disorder. You have to find a way to be supportive without getting depressed yourself by him. Just keep telling yourself none of this has to do with you. Hopefully things will work out, but if things get too tough, there is no shame in saving yourself.

Stop trying to fix or change him. Stop assuming that he should be happy as a clam, even though he still has significant family problems and responsibilities. It's not your job to fix men. You don't have to be clingy or obsequious. That isn't helping.

 

Let him deal with his stuff and leave him alone. Try not to be this selfish and expect him to entertain you and "just be happy". If you want someone with no responsibilities, no problems or no depth who is simple "happy" all the time, you need to end this.

 

Focus on yourself, your health and these insecurities. Don't date men you are compulsively trying to fix and change to your needs and specifications. Date men who are acceptable to you as they are.

he has me, his parents are getting better now, he should be happy. I feel like I'm a failure that I can't fix it. go on yet another diet and spend more money on trying to look pretty and then tell him how wonderful he is.

If this is a new relationship, then I'd tell the guy that I really like him and can picture the two of us together in the future. That's why I need to walk away to preserve that potential. He can seek professional help or otherwise manage his depression as he sees fit, and if he ever reaches a state where he feels optimistic about pursuing a relationship with me, he can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Meanwhile, I wish him the best.

 

Depression is not dating material, and people are not projects. I wouldn't consider it my job--or even feasible--to 'fix' a person who is not in the right frame of mind to be dating me in the first place, and who is not pursuing treatment for a condition that is obviously bringing ME down.

Like he earns 5x the average wage, he has me, his parents are getting better now, he should be happy.

How many times have you had to run your mother with dementia with the hospital or had to deal with the reality of being legally responsible for your own mother in the last night? I'm not sure you're in any position to dictate how he "should" be feeling. What his income has to do with the fact he's dealt with his mother receiving a damning diagnosis and his father suffering a heart attack, both within a month, is beyond me.

 

Dude's having a ****ty month for any number of reasons. I don't know to what extent this "depression" manifests itself, but being frank, if you're upset he's not exactly chipper right now, I'd consider staying home.

How many times have you had to run your mother with dementia with the hospital or had to deal with the reality of being legally responsible for your own mother in the last night? I'm not sure you're in any position to dictate how he "should" be feeling. What his income has to do with the fact he's dealt with his mother receiving a damning diagnosis and his father suffering a heart attack, both within a month, is beyond me.

 

Dude's having a ****ty month for any number of reasons. I don't know to what extent this "depression" manifests itself, but being frank, if you're upset he's not exactly chipper right now, I'd consider staying home.

 

Agreed with this.

 

So many things wrong with your post.

 

You think being pretty will change his mood?

 

You think money cures his parents?

 

I doubt he’s depressed. I bet he’s in a rough patch. He just needs time and support. Not a girlfriend who forces herself into disordered eating to look pretty.

Well, I broke up with him last night anyway.

 

I'm tired of his drama. It's not just the family stuff, he also goes on and on about his ex all the time - putting up posts on social media running her down and calling her names etc - tbh that's what I was thinking of when I said he should "be happy" to have me. As in if he's actually serious about me - like he said - he shouldn't still be telling all his 900 fb friends about how much he hates his ex. Its not healthy and its not very nice.

 

And he also rings me up all the time to tell me, in the coarsest language, about how he's yelled at his colleagues and people from work etc, how f***ING useless they all are, etc, etc, etc. And it's like every day he's mad at someone new. You'd think he'd be happy to be on 250k, most people would, but the way he talks to and about people is almost like he's trying to get fired. It's incredibly draining

 

Even his parents. They're sick, but all he has to say about them is bad stuff. His dad is getting discharged from hospital and you'd think he'd be happy about that too, but instead he tells me how all his dad could do was tell him off for spending his money while he had power of attorney. And his mum, he keeps running her down too....calling her nuts and an alkie, which is so unfair given her condition. I'm really really over it. I told him I didn't think he was a very nice person. Which is probably the understatement of the century.

 

It doesn't matter what someone looks like or how much money they make, if they're always angry and hateful and looking for reasons to be miserable, it's not much fun to be around them.

 

And I'm tired of the suicide threats and the emotional blackmail that I "should" be more supportive. I've tried, but I'm just drained with it all.

 

All I can say is thank god we hadn't moved in together yet - which he was pushing for. I already have a feeling he's probably going to get nasty. Great.

It just sounds like you were incompatible. You don't work well together and you weren't going to.

 

You made the best choice from everything I read.

It just sounds like you were incompatible. You don't work well together and you weren't going to.

 

You made the best choice from everything I read.

 

Straight up I don't think ANYONE could be compatible with him. He's just an absolute jerk really, I was getting the "good side" and it was still awful. I mean he was nicd enough to me but what's that saying about if someone is nice to you but not the waiter???

 

I know I'm not perfect, but at least I'm nice to people. He acted like he was proud of how horrible he could be and still get away with it. I don't want to be with someone like that.

And I'm tired of the suicide threats and the emotional blackmail that I "should" be more supportive. I've tried, but I'm just drained with it all.

 

All I can say is thank god we hadn't moved in together yet - which he was pushing for. I already have a feeling he's probably going to get nasty. Great.

 

What the heck?

 

All of this within weeks of meeting him?

Did you ever see the movie "How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days"?

 

A woman, Kate Hudson, was writing an article for her job, and as research, did every obnoxious thing known to man to get this guy (Matthew McConnaughy) to break up with her.

 

In turn MM had made a bet with his boss not to no matter what, so he stuck it out.

 

So Kate Hudson ramped it up, becoming more and more obnoxious, rude, annoying, needy, etc etc. so he would break up with her. It was hysterical how obnoxious she was!

 

That's what this reminds me of, roles reversed.

 

He wanted you to break up with him. It was all way too much and over the top to be real imo.

 

Next.

Did you ever see the movie "How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days"?

 

A woman, Kate Hudson, was writing an article for her job, and as research, did every obnoxious thing known to man to get this guy (Matthew McConnaughy) to break up with her.

 

In turn MM had made a bet with his boss not to no matter what, so he stuck it out.

 

So Kate Hudson ramped it up, becoming more and more obnoxious, rude, annoying, needy, etc etc. so he would break up with her. It was hysterical how obnoxious she was!

 

That's what this reminds me of, roles reversed.

 

He wanted you to break up with him. It was all way too much and over the top to be real imo.

 

Next.

 

No. Tbh last night wasn't the first time I nearly broke up with him but each time he'd ring me up and bombard my phone til I changed my mind.

 

And the broken heart emjois are coming through now. Which makes it really hard cos I don't like to see someone hurting especially someone I do care about but this is just toxic.

He might or might not be depressed, but if he's talking that much about his ex (especially with anger), then you're his rebound.

 

The longer you stay(ed) the more you'd get hurt. Good on you for leaving.

After reading your last post about him you have made the best decision ever.

 

He sounds emotionally draining on you. And just not a nice person in general with work and the talk of his ex all the time.

 

Yes he is going through some stress with his parents but that doesn't mean he can act like that with other people!

 

Honestly glad you shared that side of him to us - you have honestly did the best thing.

 

The most important person in your life is YOU! Don't let someone else distroy you like he would have eventually done.

He might or might not be depressed, but if he's talking that much about his ex (especially with anger), then you're his rebound.

 

The longer you stay(ed) the more you'd get hurt. Good on you for leaving.

 

Thanks. Yeah it's fairly normal to talk a little bit about ones ex - the basic history etc - but the level of hatred he had was just like WOW.

 

I'm doing OK. I have lots of good friends and there's no need to feel lonely or sad right now. I'm disappointed yes but it's just life.

Well, I broke up with him last night anyway.

 

I'm tired of his drama. It's not just the family stuff, he also goes on and on about his ex all the time - putting up posts on social media running her down and calling her names etc - tbh that's what I was thinking of when I said he should "be happy" to have me. As in if he's actually serious about me - like he said - he shouldn't still be telling all his 900 fb friends about how much he hates his ex. Its not healthy and its not very nice.

 

And he also rings me up all the time to tell me, in the coarsest language, about how he's yelled at his colleagues and people from work etc, how f***ING useless they all are, etc, etc, etc. And it's like every day he's mad at someone new. You'd think he'd be happy to be on 250k, most people would, but the way he talks to and about people is almost like he's trying to get fired. It's incredibly draining

 

Even his parents. They're sick, but all he has to say about them is bad stuff. His dad is getting discharged from hospital and you'd think he'd be happy about that too, but instead he tells me how all his dad could do was tell him off for spending his money while he had power of attorney. And his mum, he keeps running her down too....calling her nuts and an alkie, which is so unfair given her condition. I'm really really over it. I told him I didn't think he was a very nice person. Which is probably the understatement of the century.

 

It doesn't matter what someone looks like or how much money they make, if they're always angry and hateful and looking for reasons to be miserable, it's not much fun to be around them.

 

And I'm tired of the suicide threats and the emotional blackmail that I "should" be more supportive. I've tried, but I'm just drained with it all.

 

All I can say is thank god we hadn't moved in together yet - which he was pushing for. I already have a feeling he's probably going to get nasty. Great.

 

I dunno SK, all this^ in a less than two month RL; I understand life throws us curveballs sometimes but the way he speaks about his ill parents, to a woman he just started dating no less, is beyond the pale.

 

And threatening suicide and now all the sad emojis?

 

Did you have any inking he was like this during your long weekend together?

 

Something's not quite jiving but no matter, you ended it which was for the best, it was less than two months, a mere blip.

 

Can you block him?

No, I thought he was really nice at first. And like falling in love.

 

I dunno. I still feel like it's probably just him being stressed out, and venting, he has told me some stuff about his dad when he was growing up which kinda makes me feel sorry for him, and also kinda explains why he is how he is, I mean it sounds like it was pretty bad.

 

Kinda like the opposite of my parents who were all about creating good memories together, stuff I didn't necessarily appreciate at the time but now I'm so grateful for.

 

He had talked about seeking some professional help for his stress/depression and perhaps I should've encouraged that more. Instead of telling him it's not his fault and he's just stressed etc. But I guess it's not my problem anyway now.

 

Yeah I could block him but last time I did he got really angry. I still feel a bit torn tbh.

You need to block and delete him and all his people from all messaging apps and social media unless you are still thriving on all the drama. You won't know if he's "angry you block him" because hopefully you block and delete him for good rather than continue play hate games.

And the broken heart emjois are coming through now.

Well, I broke up with him last night anyway.

 

I'm tired of his drama. It's not just the family stuff, he also goes on and on about his ex all the time - putting up posts on social media running her down and calling her names etc - tbh that's what I was thinking of when I said he should "be happy" to have me. As in if he's actually serious about me - like he said - he shouldn't still be telling all his 900 fb friends about how much he hates his ex. Its not healthy and its not very nice.

 

And he also rings me up all the time to tell me, in the coarsest language, about how he's yelled at his colleagues and people from work etc, how f***ING useless they all are, etc, etc, etc. And it's like every day he's mad at someone new. You'd think he'd be happy to be on 250k, most people would, but the way he talks to and about people is almost like he's trying to get fired. It's incredibly draining

 

Even his parents. They're sick, but all he has to say about them is bad stuff. His dad is getting discharged from hospital and you'd think he'd be happy about that too, but instead he tells me how all his dad could do was tell him off for spending his money while he had power of attorney. And his mum, he keeps running her down too....calling her nuts and an alkie, which is so unfair given her condition. I'm really really over it. I told him I didn't think he was a very nice person. Which is probably the understatement of the century.

 

It doesn't matter what someone looks like or how much money they make, if they're always angry and hateful and looking for reasons to be miserable, it's not much fun to be around them.

 

And I'm tired of the suicide threats and the emotional blackmail that I "should" be more supportive. I've tried, but I'm just drained with it all.

 

All I can say is thank god we hadn't moved in together yet - which he was pushing for. I already have a feeling he's probably going to get nasty. Great.

 

Didn't you start dating this guy about a month ago? You are seriously not reacting to a billion red flags in a potential partner. Why not? Do you usually seek this type of drama?