Long post but need advice

I feel somewhat stupid posting about this, but it is an issue that I run in to a lot and need some advice to correct it. Maybe it is just the type of girls that I am interested that are the problem, or it is something that I am doing that pushes them away. This will be a lengthy post given this particular situation with a girl because I wish to share all of the details so that the best advice can be given.

A little about me: I am 31 and very career driven. I work anywhere between 70-80 hours 8 months out of the year, which is just what my job requires. During the not so busy months, I try my best to get out and meet new people whether that be friendly or romantic. Relationships are hard to keep with once my schedule ramps up again. I am pretty picky about the girls I give my time to, and when I meet one that captivates my interest I just focus on that and cut contact with most other women, friends or not. I live in the southern midwest.

A little about her: She is 25 and a flight attendant. Very passionate about traveling, her job, and meeting new people. Started her job about 6 months ago. Very beautiful, smart, caring, and definitely captivated my interest. She lives in the southwest.

How we met: I was flying home for an unfortunate death in the family. She was working the flight and staying where I was flying in to. She asked me a few personal questions on the flight, which I found not normal for an FA (I've flown a lot). I could tell she had a very caring attitude towards people which is ultimately why I was attracted to her. Let's be real most guys have thought about hitting on a good looking flight attendant before, because of their job is pretty cool, but it wasn't what attracted me to her in the first place. As I was getting off the plane, she handed me a napkin with her name and number on it. It said to call, so I got settled in and called her a couple hours after the fact. She didn't answer so left her a message. She text me back saying that she couldn't believe I called (most guys would text) and how much she respected it and she was sorry to miss the call because she was out to eat. I didn't have the time to meet with her that evening, but we spent the rest of the day texting and getting to know each other.

It ultimately took us 2 months to go on our first date. She bid for a layover where I live and got one. The first two weeks after meeting her I called a couple of times, which she answered but the conversations were short because she was either working or heading somewhere. I texted her sparingly because most went unanswered. If a text went unanswered I usually waited a few days before trying again and after 3 unanswered texts I completely backed off. About a month before her visit she text me letting me know that she had gotten the layover but was about to fly out to meet her girlfriends for a weekend. I told her that I would call her early the following week so we could discuss her layover. I did and it went unanswered with no text or call back. I backed off again. I usually take the stance of understanding when people are busy, but also to not act needy. Part of me thought it was a bit rude, but I never showed that. A week before the layover she text me again, and it was hard to have a conversation with her because she didn't reply when I text her back, and then text me the following day while I was at work. I asked if we could wait until I was off work and she said yea chat later. I text when I got off work and no reply again. I text her the following day and she called and we set things up.

The date: I picked her up at her hotel. She got in pretty late and had to leave early the next morning so I figured we could grab dinner and a few drinks and she would be ready to call it a night. When I picked her up, the first thing that she said was fill me in on yourself again because I feel like we haven't talked that much the last two months. I kind of chuckled because she had unanswered quite a few texts, but ultimately said that it was probably for the best so we had plenty to talk about. We got to dinner and hit it off. The waitress had to come back at least 5 times to take our order because we were too busy talking to look at the menu. We both found out a lot about each other. She seemed very sincere in that she was looking for a relationship, and explained how difficult it is for flight attendants to date because of their crazy schedule. She told me she did not think that she was going to do it for too long because of that, but was enjoying it and the benefits for the time being. I also made it very clear that while I want a relationship, I didn't need one to be happy and it wasn't something I actively look for. She stated that she felt like I knew what I wanted in life and it was a very attractive quality. After dinner she wanted to get some more drinks, which surprised me. She did not want to leave. She stated how nervous she was to be on the date and that I seemed like a very genuine guy. We were both fairly drunk by the end of the night, and both of us knew I shouldn't be driving so she asked to Uber back with her to her hotel. We kissed in the back and when we got there she asked me up to her room. I had already had my mind set that I was not going to have sex with her because I believe when there is interest in a girl relationship wise, this is the respectful thing to do. We fooled around for a bit, and then she asked if I had a condom. I said no because I really was not expecting things to go that far, and she said she wasn't either. I told her we should just call it a night and we fell asleep together. The next morning as she was getting ready she told me she wanted me to walk her down to the lobby, but would have to tell her coworkers we had been seeing each other for awhile because some flight attendants get a bad reputation of sleeping with a lot of men (I know some of you may have already been thinking this while reading). I walked her down she kissed me and left.

The week after: Obviously I had fallen head over heels for this girl. She gave me one of those feelings that she was different than anyone else that I had met. I texted her on my way home thanking her for the great night and she replied that she was really hoping to see me again soon. For the remainder of the week we texted in the morning and at night. She called me a couple days after our date and we discussed me coming to see her where she lives soon, which was hard because I had trips to visit family and few obligations the rest of the month. She even through out the option of flying to where she had a longer layover so we could experience a new city together. Later on that week, which was the last day I heard from her, I had asked her for some help claiming miles from previous flights over the past year. She was giving me crap about not doing so and I figured it was a good idea if I wanted to be able to see her and not pay a bunch of money to do so. Realistically I knew I could figure this out on my own but thought it would be fun if we did it together. I also wanted to discuss expectations with her and because of the nature of long distance establish some ground rules because I thought things were going well enough to do so. Basically I just wanted to ask what she was feeling what was right and wrong to do at the time. She was on her way home from 8 days of flying and she seemed excited to help and told me she would call me later on that evening. She never did. Figuring she was tried from the travel and happy to be off work a couple days, I backed off. Honestly, it is a pet peeve of mine when people don't give at least a courtesy text if they aren't up to it, but I did not express that. I waited a few days so she could relax and be with friends, and text her 3 days after that. No response. I followed up the following day with a phone call and left a message. About 20-30 minutes after the call I noticed she started posting on stories on her Snapchat. It appeared she was with another guy (not sure if it was a date, but regardless I knew she was busy). Again, I feel as if it would be courteous to just have sent me a text saying she would get back to me later (this takes a minute tops). I didn't hear from her so I waited until the next evening and texted her that I did not think it was going to work out. No response again. I followed up the next day with another text saying that I was willing to talk about it, but I knew she did not owe me anything. I said that I thought she was a good enough girl to give me a response regardless of it's nature but if she decided not to then I wished her the best. Again no response. I sent a final text the next day (probably shouldn't have) stating that I had regretted sending those texts and that I just wanted a chance to explain why I did (more on that in a second). I told her I probably set my expectations too high and over thought a few things and that I wasn't ready to write things off just yet. Again no response. I unfollowed her on Snapchat, Facebook, and Instagram (she still follows me on this for some reason) the following day to create some distance, but I still feel myself missing the connection we made and talking to her.

Why I sent the text: There were some red flags that I noticed even before we had met (can go in to further detail about this if needed). My gut was telling me one thing, but my heart another which is why I retracted on the last text I sent to her. Most of the time I go with my gut feeling, but have been trouble getting her out of my head and moving forward. I made it very clear to her on our date that honesty was a big thing to me and even if it is something that I she doesn't think I would want to her she should just tell me because of the distance. I don't like hot/cold games and don't deal with mixed signals well and at my age I prefer people to just tell me how it is.

Advice I am seeking: As I stated at the beginning this happens to me quite often, where things go great for a short period of time, then the girl goes cold.

1) Am I doing something wrong? Am I not aggressive enough or act too needy?

2) How does one go about expressing red flags with a girl, without pushing her away? When is the right time to address these issues?

3) Does anyone think I should try and reconnect and how would you go about doing that? I really want to, but there is still the issue of the red flags that I would need to eventually address. It has been almost a month since I last texted her.

4) Is regular and effective communication still the best thing when trying to start a long distance relationship or is that something I am wrong to think?

Thank you for reading and any advice you may have for me.

Let it go. It was a fun encounter. By now the next fool is holding a cocktail napkin with her number on it.

I think you are over thinking things. You didn’t do anything wrong.

The problem is that she’s 25, in the prime of her life, flying around the world, enjoying the attention of men and - whether she will admit it or not - is not looking for a relationship. I know she SAID she’s looking for a relationship... but she’s not. It’s like someone saying they want to lose weight while they are chomping down on cake. She wants it - yes - but she’s not ready or willing to put the effort into it.

You should never accept someone not answering texts. Sure, some of us are busy. Sure, sometimes it can take a few hours (or if she’s on an international flight maybe a day). But if she’s excited about you, she’d be texting you while waiting for a cab to her hotel, etc. When you want something, you find time. Maybe not oodles of time - but time.

The problem isn’t that you need to explain to her how to have a relationship. (Actually, that’s pretty condescending). The problem is that she’s not into it. I mean she kinda-sorta is. Like the person with the cake wanting to lose weight. No amount of talking to her about it will ‘fix’ it. It has to come from her.

Sorry - I think this is just a case of trying to find someone who is more emotionally available. This one is not.

In the future, if you like a girl, don't be so worried about "seeming needy", just ring them. It's quite attractive to a girl to be pursued.

Agreed it's probably too late with this girl - it's been a month since you last spoke - but heck if you really can't get her out of your head, then ring her and tell her that. If she doesn't pick up, then send her a text telling her how you still can't stop thinking about her, that you felt like you had a genuine connection, that you really want to see her again and feel like she is the kind of girl you could see yourself with..... Basically lay it on thick.

There's no guarantee it'll work but, if you DON'T try, or worse if you send a lame "hey how are you" then I can guarantee you'll probably never hear from her again.

Too many people are too worried about keeping their pride but they forget how good it feels to the other person to be actively pursued and "wanted", it's actually a bit intoxicating when someone is a bit crazy over you. Just give it a try.

You did absolutely nothing wrong what so ever. The modern world of dating leaves you baffled and confused!

I personally like a man to actively persue me whereas some of my friends find it off putting and needy. Every girl is different. You just need to do you. Some girl you date will fall for which ever way that is.

I know a lot of people on here may suggest you don't reach out! But if you genuinley feel reaching back won't set you back then why not give it a shot. If you'll regret not doing so then why not. Maybe keep it casual. And guage what you get back.

If you get nothing back have that be your answer then finally close the door and walk away!

It's a tricky life style. I'm not going to stereotype as I know those working as air stewards and pilots can have beautiful relationships with longevity. That said I had been talking to a pilot yesrs back. Everyone was like oooh go for it he is a pilot. Something made me stand back. He got to know me and realised I wasn't the sort of girl to just sleep around. So he opened up to me and said how he would literally hook-up with whoever on a lay-over as that sort of life is lonely. We never went on a date...

It is a different life. They often don't feel settled. So keep that in mind if you want to push for a long distance relationship with this girl as odds are it may not have any longevity and is it worth any heart ache later down the line?

Well, to be really honest I found a lot of your story to be a bit mismatched and I got an impression that maybe you yourself aren't that sure about what you actually want....Because you said to the girl on your dinner date that you're not particularly looking for a relationship. But the way you became completely infatuated with her when you barely know her and how much you were chasing her shows otherwise..? I mean, also if you wanted to start dating her and discuss what you're both looking for then why did you say to her that you're not really looking for a relationship?

I agree with some of the other posters, I don't think she's particularly looking for a relationship either (right now at least). So when you made that comment, she probably thought you were on the same page. I also think that she didn't really want to date you but she found you attractive too and was happy to hook up with you if she ever ended up in the same city. I think the fact that she was the one that asked you to go to her hotel room and have sex with her, then barely replied to any of your messages, shows that maybe she was just looking for sex. How do you know that she didn't want to pretend to her flight attendant friends that she'd been dating you because she DOES just sleep around?

You are asking what you may be doing wrong and I think what you're doing wrong in a sense is dipping your hand in the wrong honey pot lol You said you are very picky about women. Judging by how much you talk about how attractive and beautiful this woman is and how charming, you clearly have a high standard regarding physical appearance and appeal.

I think if you really do want to find a relationship then you may have to drop those high standards at least a little. The reason why I say this is because women that are really attractive and have jobs where they constantly meet men e.g. flight attendant, waitress, bartender, CAN be picky also. The girl you hooked up with probably gets guys flirting with her absolutely constantly and if she gives out her number, she will have many men chasing her like there's no tomorrow just like you did. Essentially I think if you really do want to date someone, you are looking in completely the wrong place.

I also know that it's easy to create a fantasy in your mind when someone gorgeous pays you attention, but I think this girl was just that. You hardly knew her and if she seemed lovely and charming, then part of that may also be that she's learnt to act like this for her job. Anyone that works in customer service, especially a flight attendant is expected to act very sweet and friendly to customers (in most cases they are beautiful too). I know she gave you her number, but she obviously likes male attention and she also has sexual needs. No offence, but you probably weren't any more special to her than any other guy she may have met on the plane.

The other point I'd just like to make is that if you want a relationship, you may need to find another job where you don't have to work such a ridiculous number of hours. I'm pretty sure that most women would not want to date someone who can pretty much never see them. If you don't want to change your lifestyle and not sure what you want, that's OK, it's your life. But then I think you just have to accept that you may just end up with one night stands and casual things. I think women, especially close to your age, would want a guy that has a lot of time for them.

Let it go. It was a fun encounter. By now the next fool is holding a cocktail napkin with her number on it.

Yes, THIS.

Sounds to me like this girl wasn't really interested in you from the outset? She's either emotionally unavailable or just isn't into you. Every girl is different and some love to be crazy-persued, some don't. In general, when a girl isn't fully into you, she will absolutely shy away from being persued. For me, I could actually see a lot of red flags in your own texting/calling behaviour because you just didn't know when to stop.

Someone above even told you to send more text messages and lay it on thick!!?? Like really?? Argh, please don't do that. You'd scare the hell out of her. Yes some girls like to feel wanted, but in general they don't want to be text-stalked.

This advice may be hard to hear, but no one else seems to be saying it, so I'll just dive right in... you have no hope of reconnecting with this one. Yeah it sucks that she never sent you a 'break up text' when you obviously needed one, but it's really common these days for women and men to ghost or do the slow fade, especially when you've only been on 1-2 dates in person. Because ppl are just kinda ty these days.

What I recommend is, next time you 'persue' someone, take note if they reply back. If they do, then they're interested. If she doesn't reply and acts distant on multiple occasions, just leave her alone. That last time you heard from the flight attendant, when she said she'd call, but never did, you then proceeded to text her, phone her, leave a message, text her again, text her again, text her again - see how that can be a little creepy?? I understand you really liked her, but these weren't just 'hi, hows it going' messages, these were full on emotional melt down texts. Then you acted like a kid and unfollowed her on everything.

Let this one go, move on and find a girl who is as crazy about you as you are crazy about her - and is happy to be persued. They are out there!!

I appreciate the honesty in everyone's replies. Even if it was a "hard to hear" advice. I really feel as if this post was more about getting closure from another source than her. It is clear that I do not deal with ghosting well, because it just is not how I handle things. I am very honest and straight to the point regardless of what I am feeling. It got to the point where I felt like I was wearing out my usual "go to's" in these situations, so that is ultimately why I posted here. I would like to address some of the things that were said and if there is any further advice, I am definitely all ears.

Tiny: I believe you are right in saying that I was not totally clear in my intentions. I definitely was vague with what I said on my post because I did not want to get too lengthy. She asked why I was still single, and I hinted that I had some bad experiences in the past. I did not go in to too much detail, but made it clear that honesty and trust were two very important things to me. I told her that I somewhat had turned myself off to seeking relationships because of past dating experiences and my vigorous work schedule, but that I was very much wanting one. I said it was hard to get out and meet new people and that if I felt there was a connection with someone, then I would definitely pursue it. She responded with "like a flight attendant giving you her number" and I said "Exactly". She then responded that she felt like I knew what I wanted and that it was a very attractive thing. I don't think at any time I gave the vibe I was not looking for one, but maybe to her I did and you may very well be right with everything you said. I realize that she probably has gotten very good at charming people, more specifically guys. I guess I just can't wrap my head around someone acting so sincere with me, but their motives are completely different (guess that is the world we live in today?). I do wonder though, how to address these red flags with someone you are interested in or should I just take them for what they are and move on? I always felt if I asked her a couple questions I had wanted to it would have pushed her away anyways, not that I guess it matters because I did with my final texts. Any advice on that?

Poppy: She is very busy, which I do get. Their schedule is God awful and almost as bad as mine. I addressed some of the unanswered texts from before the date with her while we were out. I did not take them personally because we had yet to go on a date, which I told her, but I also said that I would like to talk more and was very interested in getting to know her better. She seemed all for it, and even went as far as to say that being too busy is just an excuse for someone to make (I did not bring this up). I agree in a sense with you how I handled things in the end. The text I sent about things not working out in my mind was a "hey I am not playing games text" but maybe I should have just come out and said that instead of saying it wasn't going to work out. The following text was I am willing to talk about it, would appreciate a reply, but if not good luck. Neither were malicious because my feelings at the time were telling me I was getting played and I could think of plenty worse ways to handle it like trying to call her out for it which would have solved nothing. I also did not flood her with hey you there, why aren't you replying texts every couple hours like I have seen some men do. The last text I sent her was absolutely terrible and I should not have sent it. You are right in saying that it was an emotional meltdown text. There are times I am sure we all battle with our emotions and I let it get the best of me for sure and I will take your advice to heart. I unfollowed her on everything for two reasons and maybe you will shed some light on whether I was still being a "kid" (not offended by your usage of words) because of it. The first was to distance myself from her because clearly she needed space. I'm not sure how often to look at your crush's snapchat story or social media, but I normally check all my friend's stories every morning regardless so I would see hers anyways. I couldn't give her space and still watch her stories on snapchat and I thought if she saw I was still viewing her stories that would come off as completely creepy. The second was because I felt like I was getting too much information about her life from her social media rather than from her. I even told her on the date that I am not a fan of Snapchat (doesn't seem to be a personal way to communicate to me) and she said that is fine, I'm not forcing you to use it. She sent stuff to me after the date, which I felt obligated to reply to even though I knew it wasn't only to me. I will take note next time on the unanswered texts, but I guess that does surface a new question. If she reaches out after say a week or two wondering where I have been, how do you react? If she was truly too busy to get back to me and I back off does that not show disinterest on my part or do I take that time to say, hey we talked about this and I am not playing hot/cold games?

Thank you again for everyone that replied. You are all saints in my mind for lending a hand to complete strangers when they need it!

If I'm going to point out anything "wrong" with what you're doing, it's choosing to pursue someone that doesn't even live in your city, in addition to being very busy with travel and work. Stay local, as it increases your odds. With you being very busy with work, you probably do have to put in some extra effort to make sure your love interest feels confident in your relationship and put in some extra time...prioritize her. Not a lot of women are going to be pleased with the fly by night guy who happens to be available once every 2-3 weeks, so perhaps you need to start revamping your lifestyle and work on a goal that makes you more available more regularly. You can fill your little black book with lots of numbers to call when you're free and want some companionship, but building a relationship will take some work, time, and energy on your part. Seeking someone who lives locally would be a good first step.

My take is you waited too long. Guys have a habit of waiting too long to contact girls and overthinking things. Also texting is not foolproof and you can miss messages. Also being busy can look like you're coming up with excuses. Like people have said, it was a nice fling and now you get back to your regular life.

"Well, to be really honest I found a lot of your story to be a bit mismatched and I got an impression that maybe you yourself aren't that sure about what you actually want....Because you said to the girl on your dinner date that you're not particularly looking for a relationship. But the way you became completely infatuated with her when you barely know her and how much you were chasing her shows otherwise..? I mean, also if you wanted to start dating her and discuss what you're both looking for then why did you say to her that you're not really looking for a relationship?"

Same here and I also agree that I would not have pursued a date once she showed you she was flaky/unreliable about communicating with you.

So she told you she would call you but never did.

After which you proceeded to call her five times, ending it, then essentially taking it back, you were all over the place in each call.

She may have wanted out before that, but all those calls did not help, and may have even caused her to lose a little respect.

When she didn't call you that one night like she said she would, give one more call, leave a short voice mail.. But that's it.

Any more than that, especially lengthy voice mails explaining (mansplainig lol) make you weak and no disrespect but rather pathetic.

As a woman just telling you like it is, especially in these very early stages.

Since you said you experience this is all your dating experiences, I wonder if your energy/vibe comes across a bit needy, desperate.

I'm sorry things didn't work out.

I did not call her 5 times. I called her once and the voicemail I left said something I was doing reminded me of her and wanted to know how her time off was going. I sent her a text a day the 3 days following. One ending things, the next saying I would be willing to talk about it and that I would appreciate a response but if not then I at least wanted to wish her the best (mainly because I felt like this was taking the high road rather than ghosting someone). I will admit and agree with everyone that has mentioned, the final text was pathetic and probably put a nail in the coffin. I should have just left it with the final text wishing her luck with life, especially if I did regret it and wanted to reconnect later on down the road. I got cheated on in a very serious relationship and while I have been on quite a few dates since, I haven't felt that sort of connection with someone in awhile. I acted out of fear because of that previous relationship and have been working on that a lot this past month (reading books about self esteem in relationships, working out again, amongst other things to lower my anxiety). I did need some closure and that is why I came here and just wanted to see if there was a chance in anyone's mind to reconnect because while I have been making changes that doesn't make me miss talking to her any less. With a little more time and the help from you fine folks I am sure I will be able to move on soon though. No disrespect taken and thank you for reading and replying.

You said that you honest and straight to the point, I think you are a methodical, structured person as I am. You probably want your ducks lined up in a row and you want to know all information as much as you can, otherwise a little blank on the form throws a tiny monkey wrench in your thinking pattern. You are probably a thinker/planner and the long email is a clue because you want to explain as much as you can and you want them clear and understandably you would rather get the same in return. In some ways we are similar. I concentrated on more conservative types and laid back women and I married someone who has been faithful for two decades. Women on the fly or who are whimsical or with crazy schedules might better be handled by guys who can also react as quickly. I hope I did not write anything offensive, and if I did, I apologize. I put a lot of stereotyping in there but I just want to suggest that when you cast your net, you might lessen the emotional ups and downs when you find someone more “grounded” than a mile-high flyer. Happy Thanksgiving, bro.

Not offensive at all. I have been working on handling the ups and downs as much as I can. If I am attracted to those types of girls, then I need to make changes myself, which is what I have been focusing on. The dating game has changed a bit since my last serious relationship and I think part of it is looking in some bad areas for advice. Same to you and thanks for your reply.

1) Am I doing something wrong? Am I not aggressive enough or act too needy?

You had a night of drunken fondling. You seem to be pushing a bit.

I also wanted to discuss expectations with her and because of the nature of long distance establish some ground rules because I thought things were going well enough to do so. Basically I just wanted to ask what she was feeling what was right and wrong to do at the time.

2) How does one go about expressing red flags with a girl, without pushing her away? When is the right time to address these issues?

You can seek clarification, maybe. If you see red flags, you just don't stick around. Nothing good will come from 'addressing' someone's behaviour. Take it or leave it.

3) Does anyone think I should try and reconnect and how would you go about doing that? I really want to, but there is still the issue of the red flags that I would need to eventually address. It has been almost a month since I last texted her.

OMG no man. Leave it alone.

4) Is regular and effective communication still the best thing when trying to start a long distance relationship or is that something I am wrong to think?

Effective communication is always good. Keep in mind, often less is more. You can never say anything stupid, if you're not talking. And, effective communication is more about listening, not talking.