My boyfriend is moving away and doesn't want me to come with him.

I met my boyfriend 5 months ago now. When we first met he told me he was going to be moving to Japan to teach English, so it is something I have known for the entire relationship. He wants to go to be able to see what kind of life he can make for himself, and who he is without family and friends. He has always had friends and family around him all the time to do things for him and has not done much travelling or things on his own. Originally he didn't have a date but now he is going to leave at the beginning of January.

Although the time we have spent together has been short, we haven't spent more than about 3 days apart in that time. We went to Paris at the beginning of this month (his idea) and he told me, under the Eiffel Tower that I am his "person". I also have this feeling. We are so connected and we fit together really well in every aspect. We have become incredibly close and he says he has never felt so much himself around anyone in his life, ever.

His longest relationship has been 6 months and he's nearly 28. I'm 30 next month. I am so in love with him and can't see being with anyone else, I feel like we are meant to be together! An issue he does have is that he avoids thinking about the impending departure, so he has not really considered what it is going to be like when he goes. He's said he doesn't want to lose me and that we can try and stay together, but he can't say how long he will be gone for. He says him going isn't about him getting with other people or looking for other partners etc, and that he doesn't want anyone else. I have asked if I could come and visit and he said he would love for me to come and visit.

I would move for him in a flash, I would do anything to be able to keep us together but I do understand and respect he needs this time to be independent and learn about himself. I have done a lot of solo travel and have lived abroad for a few years, so I am aware of how important and constructive for my personality that time away was. I just wish I could be a part of it with him.

I just don't know what to do, whether to wait for him or not. I don't think I would do very well in a LDR, I need physical touch and the intimacy of being close to him. I think I could bear it if I knew there was a final goal, like if it was 6 months or so and then I could go out and scope out whether I could move there too.

I am just so confused as to what it all means, and he can't seem to provide any more answers. He seems very confused himself. When I asked about longer term goals (and I did say I know we haven't known each other very long), he said he doesn't know if he even ever wants to be in long term relationship. I said perhaps you haven't found the right person, and he said I can't imagine wanting to be with anyone more than you. That all sounds quite insincere but he is a very sincere and honest person.

I suppose I am trying to get some advice or some opinions on what the best course of action here is. I feel like I am breaking at the moment, I am almost constantly on the verge of tears thinking about him leaving and the thought that January might be the end of us. I can't work out whether he really does want to stay together or whether he is just avoiding breaking up with me before. Has anyone got any insights or thoughts about this situation?

You've known all along that that he sees this as short term like all his other relationships. He will meet new people and be moving on when he moves and so should you.

5 months When we first met he told me he was going to be moving to Japan to teach English, so it is something I have known for the entire relationship.

His longest relationship has been 6 months

I did bring this up the other day, he said it's not always been him that has ended things.

I am confused as to why he says things like I'm his "person". He's also said he wants me to be a part of his life forever, I am just so confused. I think he needs time to appreciate properly what we have but is that best done with us not talking while he is away?

I just can't bring myself to go completely NC on him after January as I have these remnants of hope that will be hard to give up on. I am going to his Dad's for Christmas with my Dad (I am quite close with his family now) and he's going to be a big part of my 30th birthday, if I see it as the end in January I will have to make big changes to my plans for the next few weeks and it will be very awkward to explain. At this point I want to get off the planet!

Kick this dude to the curb, relationships don't work like that. He doesn't know what he wants. I'm 28 myself, my longest relationship was a year and a half; and I just recently just got out of a 6 month relationship with a woman who I thought was "the one" because I loved everything about her, but she hit the brakes out of the blue. I would kill to have a woman like you who cares about maintaining a relationship. Let me also put it this way: If I was in a committed relationship; with a woman whom I love the most, and never want to leave her, I could get offered a six-figure job somewhere, but if it wasn't close to her and she didn't want to move, I wouldn't take it. That's how I roll. Relationships should never be one way, it's clear to me that he is only caring about himself and the fact that he said "he doesn't know if he wants a long-term relationship" should give it away right there. Plus the fact that his longest relationship was only 6 months is also a red flag as well; my most recent ex never had a relationship longer than six months either.

I know it'll be tough for you, it's been hard for me to let my ex go after she left me, but I would advise you to move on. I know the feeling of being in love with this dude felt awesome while it lasted; I went through the exact same thing with my ex so I know exactly how you feel, but I promise you those feelings will fade away, and you'll find another man who will fill those voids for you. It sounds to me that if you hold on to this dude, he'll hurt you even worse somewhere down the road.

You deserve better than that.

Well, I think it's very clear what he's saying, you just have to accept it. He's never been in a long-term relationship. He told you he doesn't think he EVER wants to be in a long-term relationship. I don't know what calling you his "person" means. Ultimately, it's meaningless.

I think you've just attached yourself to someone who doesn't want to be attached to anyone. You can have a nice time until he leaves, and you can check in on him from time to time via text and Facetime. But I think you have to come to the realization that this guy just isn't that involved in you, he's moving away, and you need to prepare yourself to meet new people and move on with your life. Find a new guy who isn't afraid of commitment and long-term relationships.

he can't seem to provide any more answers. He seems very confused himself. When I asked about longer term goals (and I did say I know we haven't known each other very long), he said he doesn't know if he even ever wants to be in long term relationship. I said perhaps you haven't found the right person, and he said I can't imagine wanting to be with anyone more than you. That all sounds quite insincere but he is a very sincere and honest person.

^^^ He gave you his answer, right there. He doesn't know if he ever wants to be in an LTR.

Sure, he likes you a lot, and sure, this has been fun for him.

And it must have been so romantic, at the Eiffel Tower, straight out of a movie, for him to call you his "person" (which, BTW, is a newer term that I just cannot stand, as it means nothing).

He called you his "person" because it has little meaning. It's something trendy and new and fun to call someone, in the moment. He didn't make a commitment to you, he simply said he really likes you a lot.

What he did say, is that he simply doesn't think he wants an LTR.

You asked if you could visit him in Japan, and he said sure. Did he ask if he could come back and visit you? I have a feeling you'd be the one doing all the traveling.

When a man tells you something, believe him.

I want to be all hearts & flowers for you, but I'm sorry, I just can't. I've been there before, with the heartbreak that i know you'll have to endure. This doesn't mean the same to him as it does to you.

One thing I wanted to add: If I were in his shoes, and wanted to be with you and make things work out, then I would bring you with me when I moved. If you didn't want to go, I wouldn't go either. If you love someone, you put them first before anything else, especially a career. I always say the hell with my career; money comes and it goes, but true love lasts forever, and I would never give that up for a career. The fact that he is putting his career before you should say enough.

Leave him, go NC, and move on. It's only been five months, it'll be tough but you'll heal much quicker if you do it now rather than later on down the road when you're deeper in the relationship.

Then play it by ear and stay in touch after he leaves. However 20 weeks of dating is way to soon to make lifelong changes. Just don't pine by the phone, while he's out pursuing the locals and his next short term relationship.

He did give you two warning signs and a disclaimer escape loop for himself. That is he stated he was leaving in several months and that his relationships don't go past 6 mos. If you chose to ignore that do so at your own peril.

He may say he doesn't want to end things but moving away is in fact ending things. Why put your life on hold?

I am going to his Dad's for Christmas with my Dad (I am quite close with his family now) and he's going to be a big part of my 30th birthday, if I see it as the end in January I will have to make big changes to my plans for the next few weeks and it will be very awkward to explain.

You have only been dating for five months. It is way to soon to be moving in together. much less moving to another continent with no job or ability to speak Japanese. English is seriously lacking in Japan. I LOVE Japan, but it is the most challenging country for traveling due to lack of English.

I can't believe you would completely uproot your life for someone you have been dating for under a year. I am sorry, but that is nuts.

You have only been dating for five months. It is way to soon to be moving in together. much less moving to another continent with no job or ability to speak Japanese. English is not really spoken in Japan.

 

I can't believe you would completely uproot your life for someone you have been dating for under a year. I am sorry, but that is nuts.

Agreed 100% with everything in that post.

It does not seem like he is on the same page as you. I think you guys should make a clean cut, now.

Whether he wants to be in a LTR or not is tertiary. You've been dating 5 months. With you and he being 30 and 28 respectively, you both should have enough life experience to know better than to make radical life decisions based on a relationship in its infancy. You say you'd move in a heartbeat for him. Will you have a job? Do you plan on living with him? Would you be ready and able to live happily and completely independent on him socially should things go south? He may well enjoy you, and in another world, may be interested in a long-term relationship with you. There aren't a whole lot of healthy people who want someone basing their life decisions around them, particularly when it hasn't even been half a year. It's a lot of responsibility to shoulder, and for the sake of someone who should be a partner and a peer.

Full disclosure, my now wife and I were dating for a similar amount of time when she was accepted for a residency across the country in NYC. We'd both decided that we were at a point in our lives LTR wasn't something we'd want to try. I ended up traveling out to her as a last hoorah, and by sheer coincidence, got a call from my agency back West about a sister company in NYC that needed services for the week I was visiting. They were very happy with me, cleared it with my original agency, and offered me an amazing contract even relative to the higher cost of living. I'd honestly been contemplating bailing on the Pacific NW for awhile, so I ended up accepting, and we got to continue dating. Difference is I had my own job lined up, I got my own apartment, I built my own social circles. We actually got to continue dating, not rush into an uncertain situation that could very likely end up with one partner being responsible for the other, fostering unhealthy dependence and resentment. And just as important, I knew that, win or lose with her, I could make the city work for me.

But it's very rarely a good sign if someone is willing to drop their own life to be a passenger in someone else's. Honestly, I'd take after his example in this scenario, or even take it further and end it yourself if you know you'll only grow more attached and be hurt that much more once he does leave. He understandably and perhaps rightfully doesn't want you moving with him for the sake of a new relationship. You know you can't do LDR. It sounds like you'll have to face the simple, even if difficult reality.

If I were you, I'd end things now and move on. I know it's not what you want to hear and easier said than done. Reason being is that this guy is literally talking out of both sides of his mouth. Sure he likes you and enjoys the attention so he is telling you sweet nothings to keep you around. In reality though, he has told you the unpalatable truth - he is going to move, he doesn't want you coming along, he wants to move on with his life and his plans and those plans categorically do not include you. Stop wasting your time and emotions on him, because the longer you stick around, the harder it will be on you once he is gone.

If it was just a simple situation of him being serious about you but also wanting to follow through on this trip, then he'd talk to you differently and be definitive about how long he will be gone, how your relationship can be managed in the meantime, etc. He is not doing that. He is giving you vague non answers instead which really just translate to bs'ing you just long enough that you stick around until January. Be smarter than that and cut him off. He is messing about with you.....and please don't call him honest because looking from the outside he is being quite dishonest.

I wouldn't be moving straight away but at some stage in the future, perhaps after a few months of him being there, we talked about perhaps LDR and see how it goes after a few months. When he was drunk once he said he has thought about asking me to come along, then he cried and walked away as he said if I was there he would want to spend all his time with me and wouldn't get the experience he needs (independence and getting away from home).

I am also an English teacher and have lived in similar places where English isn't spoken much, so I would be able to thrive. I wouldn't think we would live together either as I agree that is too soon. I guess I am just really sad that I will lose this connection and I am looking at any ways to keep it alive. In a normal relationship timeline I have never moved in with anyone before 1.5 years, but this situation is causing me to seek out more radical options due to trying to avoid pain. But I do agree it is crazy and I am realising now I do need to cut things off. I just love him so much and have never broken up with someone that I am in love with.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. That's amazing that it all worked like magic for you and your now wife! It certainly does give some perspective into the realities of such a move for a new relationship.

I can totally get his feelings on moving alone and wanting that freedom, since I also moved alone to another country for similar reasons. However, a long distance relationship is not doable without concrete plans to end the distance later. I think that despite him liking you and all, he's never seen this as serious and more like a short term thing. Since the beginning he knew he wanted this experience and despite being on a relationship for 5 months, that hasn't change. He'd resent you if he gave up on trying this and you'd resent him if you moved just for him.

I don't think it's fair for you that you sit an wait, while he doesn't even know what to future can bring. It's even possible that he meets someone else there. I'm very sorry that this is happening, but I'd treat this as a regular break up. This means no contact to heal and working towards accepting the relationship is over.

Hey it sounds like your man isn't being a man. Try asking yourself how you feel about that and see what thoughts come up. Creative and logical thoughts are the ones that will give you the most insight for Yourself about this situation. He needs maturity if he wants to keep you or any woman, "you" (he) can't be a boy forever (well "you" can but).

I am now thinking I need to cut it off now even though I can't actually imagine how to do this now practically due to Christmas, birthday and NY plans. Also just the fact we still get on so well. In actual fact, the thought now of breaking up with him makes me feel a little less panicked and anxious as it means I have some kind of say over how things happen instead of being at the mercy and dangling on the end of a thread for months.

Hey it sounds like your man isn't being a man. Try asking yourself how you feel about that and see what thoughts come up. Creative and logical thoughts are the ones that will give you the most insight for Yourself about this situation. He needs maturity if he wants to keep you or any woman, "you" (he) can't be a boy forever (well "you" can but).

He is very much a boy, he hasn't really experienced much of the world at all or any real responsibility. He lives with his Mum and only really moved out to go to university. I feel like he needs the time to go away and maybe one day he will come back and realise what we have. Or maybe not!

Then play it by ear and stay in touch after he leaves. However 20 weeks of dating is way to soon to make lifelong changes. Just don't pine by the phone, while he's out pursuing the locals and his next short term relationship.

 

He did give you two warning signs and a disclaimer escape loop for himself. That is he stated he was leaving in several months and that his relationships don't go past 6 mos. If you chose to ignore that do so at your own peril.

 

He may say he doesn't want to end things but moving away is in fact ending things. Why put your life on hold?

I totally agree with this.

You should feel in control of of your own life and never at the mercy of anyone's whims. It also won't seem like you are desperately chasing a man how "doesn't want long term relationships". You have your own friends and family to spend holidays and birthdays with, no?

makes me feel a little less panicked and anxious as it means I have some kind of say over how things happen instead of being at the mercy and dangling on the end of a thread for months.

I am now thinking I need to cut it off now even though I can't actually imagine how to do this now practically due to Christmas, birthday and NY plans. Also just the fact we still get on so well. In actual fact, the thought now of breaking up with him makes me feel a little less panicked and anxious as it means I have some kind of say over how things happen instead of being at the mercy and dangling on the end of a thread for months.

Why can’t you follow through on your plans and let it reach its natural conclusion when he goes?

Why can’t you follow through on your plans and let it reach its natural conclusion when he goes?

I think this may be the most viable option, and to mentally start detaching and making it clear in my mind that it will be the end in January.

Kick this dude to the curb, relationships don't work like that. He doesn't know what he wants. I'm 28 myself, my longest relationship was a year and a half; and I just recently just got out of a 6 month relationship with a woman who I thought was "the one" because I loved everything about her, but she hit the brakes out of the blue. I would kill to have a woman like you who cares about maintaining a relationship. Let me also put it this way: If I was in a committed relationship; with a woman whom I love the most, and never want to leave her, I could get offered a six-figure job somewhere, but if it wasn't close to her and she didn't want to move, I wouldn't take it. That's how I roll. Relationships should never be one way, it's clear to me that he is only caring about himself and the fact that he said "he doesn't know if he wants a long-term relationship" should give it away right there. Plus the fact that his longest relationship was only 6 months is also a red flag as well; my most recent ex never had a relationship longer than six months either.

 

I know it'll be tough for you, it's been hard for me to let my ex go after she left me, but I would advise you to move on. I know the feeling of being in love with this dude felt awesome while it lasted; I went through the exact same thing with my ex so I know exactly how you feel, but I promise you those feelings will fade away, and you'll find another man who will fill those voids for you. It sounds to me that if you hold on to this dude, he'll hurt you even worse somewhere down the road.

 

You deserve better than that.

Thank you mack1490. I know it is going to be really tough as I really thought I had found someone. It will be hard to come out of this bubble of feeling absolutely amazing and I'm sure the withdrawal is going to be bloody awful. I think I will still hold onto some hope he will realise one day and want to be with me in some way, but it is very difficult to let go once you have mentally started seeing someone in your future. I am so grateful for your reply and sharing your experience, the feeling is awful and I hope you are getting through it.

Thank you mack1490. I know it is going to be really tough as I really thought I had found someone. It will be hard to come out of this bubble of feeling absolutely amazing and I'm sure the withdrawal is going to be bloody awful. I think I will still hold onto some hope he will realise one day and want to be with me in some way, but it is very difficult to let go once you have mentally started seeing someone in your future. I am so grateful for your reply and sharing your experience, the feeling is awful and I hope you are getting through it.

Helping other people who are going through the same thing is helping me get through my situation as well. It's not easy to let go; I know that very well because the ex girlfriend before my recent ex girlfriend broke up with me THREE TIMES. She would break up with me, beg for me back, then do the same thing over again, until finally I completely ended it all. But just realize that all the "ecstasy" feelings you received from the relationships; the whole being under the Eiffel Tower and telling you you're his "person", him saying he loves you, all that goofy Hallmark stuff, those will all fade away, then you'll be like "yeah that was nothing".

One thing I've learned over the years, is that it is so easy to dwell and live in the past, because you've already seen it. We always wish we could go back to the "good times" we may have had with our ex's, and we want to go back. On the flip side, you don't know what's in the future, because you have not seen it yet. I promise you though, and I learned this from being in two different relationships, is that there is ALWAYS a bright light at the end of the tunnel.

Good luck, and remember, you are doing nothing wrong. You're doing your part to maintain the relationship, he is not. As a 28 year old man who works full-time, is college educated, independent, and uses good values in life always, I would love to have a woman like you. You will find your SO soon, but get out of this relationship while you can.