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Thread: Would You Consider This Okay?

  1. #1
    Silver Member Slagar's Avatar
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    Would You Consider This Okay?

    She's 28, an immigrant, I'm 33. I have C-PTSD, so relationships do not come easily. Been together 3 months, a very rocky time.

    Last week, we had a really amazing date. The next day she came over for about an hour and a half. I kissed her for the first time - her first kiss, ever (in her country, due to Islam, it is forbidden and very dangerous to be in a relationship). Our date and kiss part could not have been more storybook - I don't regret those for one second.

    I was aware she hadn't kissed before and so intended to just take it slow, and just make out for a while. While I enjoyed her body a bit, she progressed things in a way I didn't expect - and I didn't stop after that - we had sex.

    After a while, I heard her say "bus". She had to catch the last bus home. She had originally planned to stay the night, and was prepared to, by sleeping in another bed (longer story), but a miscommunication meant she changed her plans to catch the last bus home. So I was a bit unhappy that she didn't just stay with me (- though she had mentioned the bus beforehand).

    I walked her to the bus stop, holding hands. We were quiet, mostly just soaking things in. At the bus stop, she told me, "you can go now. If you want. No problem." It was pitch black and there were two guys around so I told her I would wait until the bus arrived. She said ok. A few moments later, as the bus was arriving, she completely snapped: "ok, go now, thank you, you're welcome, goodbye!" with an insane look on her face. I left immediately.

    She SMS'd asking me if I was ok. I waited for a bit and replied making a joke - "I grazed my knee somehow". She replied, "yes yes. Joking tonight..". I asked her if she was okay. She said, "maybe" and that she still could not believe it.

    I saw her the next morning as I got on the bus. She was on it and I passed her as I walked down the aisle. She gave me a secret smile and an uncharacteristically goofy wave. -At least I know she had a good time, then!

    I went into no contact to sort out how I felt after the bus stop incident - and my apparent inability to read her mind over SMS (/s).

    She SMS'd me later that morning after passing her on the bus. She said she was very upset. She said she is a Muslim woman; it is a great sin for her; she cannot forgive herself. She asked me not to kiss or have sex with her again (presumably before marriage??) and said she feels very guilty.

    The idea of talking to her just hurts right now - she deals out SO much rejection so regularly. The thing is, she knew these things beforehand - she knew damn well that I had been trying to kiss her. I didn't know she wasn't "allowed" to do that! She said she was unsure about the religion, and doesn't wear a hijab etc. By comparison, I was doing what I wanted - she knew very well what I was like!

    I actually feel used. It really hurts me- it was her first time and things should have been special and intimate. I don't like that she left me like that - when she was actually prepared to stay the night - but mainly that she went totally nuts at me at the bus stop.

    And I take religious views very seriously. ...I let her have what she wanted... and got involved in breaking something sacred.

    She is so cold and rejecting. She almost never shows any sign of being in love - she does say it from time to time, and we do have fun - but any move I make on her almost ends the relationship - she does NOT reciprocate. She only wants to chase me and won't allow me to have feelings for her - if I do, I'm too weak (probably fair to be honest, but still!). I am quite surprised that we kissed actually. So I've learned to almost entirely let her decide when she wants to be close to me - never enough for my liking! ...I can't even cuddle her! No kissing!? I don't know..

    I almost wonder if she wants The Dark Knight to chase after. The thing is, what happens when I don't meet her expectations in other areas - when she stops feeling like she wants to chase me? See ya later? The kind of tolerance I've showed her, she would NOT show me... she's not a total ice queen, but where is the love?... I'm nobody in this relationship...

  2. #2
    Gold Member maew's Avatar
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    Calling her an ice queen, and saying that she is cold and rejecting, isn't very compassionate about a woman you supposedly love. What do you know about her background? People don't get that shut down and fearful for no reason.

    And it sounds like she doesn't trust you for some reason.

    The other side of this is... it sounds like an unhappy relationship and that you aren't suited to each other, so why do you continue to stay in it?

  3. #3
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    Bottom line, you are not compatible. If she has a history of being cold, then why would you allow it to get to this level? Don't date people with expectation they will change.

    This had disaster written all over it. It is time to end it.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's frustrating to be this incompatible on so many levels and come from vastly different cultures where you don't understand hers and she doesn't understand yours. It sounds like she is frightened and feels guilty for betraying her faith. It has nothing to do with "being cold" or "rejection". It's a lack of cultural sensitivity or feasibility or respecting each other's needs. Don't date devotedly religious people if you want casual sex.
    Originally Posted by Slagar
    her first kiss, ever in her country, due to Islam, it is forbidden and very dangerous to be in a relationship. - we had sex.

    She said she is a Muslim woman; it is a great sin for her; she cannot forgive herself. She asked me not to kiss or have sex with her again and said she feels very guilty.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    She now views you as the man who tempted her and lead her down a bad road of lust and sin.

    When you were at the bus stop, she was angry at you and herself which is why she did not want you near her anymore. She didn't want to be reminded of what just happened as she was ashamed of it.

    I can't see this working. You want a relationship with cuddling, kissing etc. She see's it as a sin. If you continue to try to steer her in that direction, she will resent and blame you, even if she went along with it.
    She won't ever see your intimacy as anything but evil. It's her religion, it's what she's been taught to respect.

    I think if you want to be with her at all, you will respect her views and not tempt her into touching or kissing etc. But I can't see you being happy with that.

    Like other posters have said, you are incompatible. You view the world through two different set of lens.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Dude she's not in any way ready for a relationship. Stop trying to force this.
    Find someone who is ready to date and has compatible views as you.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    She now views you as the man who tempted her and lead her down a bad road of lust and sin.

    When you were at the bus stop, she was angry at you and herself which is why she did not want you near her anymore. She didn't want to be reminded of what just happened as she was ashamed of it.

    I can't see this working. You want a relationship with cuddling, kissing etc. She see's it as a sin. If you continue to try to steer her in that direction, she will resent and blame you, even if she went along with it.
    She won't ever see your intimacy as anything but evil. It's her religion, it's what she's been taught to respect.

    I think if you want to be with her at all, you will respect her views and not tempt her into touching or kissing etc. But I can't see you being happy with that.

    Like other posters have said, you are incompatible. You view the world through two different set of lens.
    This is what screams at me:"She is so cold and rejecting. She almost never shows any sign of being in love -" I don't understand why this was pursued, as they have been dating such a short time, and she is like this.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I agree, Holly.

    I think she is a very mixed up girl being raised Muslim and trying to live another way of life and blaming him when it goes wrong or she feels ashamed.

    You can't fix that.

    They don't belong together.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    I agree, Holly.

    I think she is a very mixed up girl being raised Muslim and trying to live another way of life and blaming him when it goes wrong or she feels ashamed.

    You can't fix that.

    They don't belong together.
    But, she was cold before this happened. It seems like the OP likes a project, and wants to pursue someone who is emotionally unavailable, due to his own unavailability.

    OP, I suggest you check out baggagereclaim.com It will help you understand your choices in partners.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I agree.

    I don't think we ever choose people by accident, even the broken ones. We choose them due to our own issues or something inside of us that thinks we either don't deserve better or can't do better.

    There is always a reason somewhere as to why a relationship with the wrong person keeps happening.

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